Hi
Warriorprincess, sorry for the long delay in response. (Side note: Your name kind of amused me because "Xena the Warrior Princess" was one of if my ex's childhood heroes. Early in our r/s (circa 12 years ago) she used to have it on a lot in the background at home.)
I think our routes to healing may vary, as our situations are somewhat different.
Difference #1: You still have friendships within your ex's family / people group. In my case, uBPDstbxw was already estranged from most of her family and pretty much disowned any mutual friends. As such, my exposure to "news" or "updates" about her is very limited.
Difference #2: In my case, I've effectively got full custody of our son. In your case, the kids went with the ex which gives you a whole extra layer of strained and relationships to process.
I'm blessed to have minimal entanglements, which means I can spend more time/focus on building my new life apart from her.
I'm curious about two things you said that helped you feel better- 1) that your ex is still with the "replacement," and 2) that your ex feels no regret. I am angry about these two things with my exW.
Both of these things did upset me, but being upset was the kick in the pants I needed to really internalize what was going on and begin to move on. If I were to elaborate on the thought processes, they would be along the lines of:
- She is with my replacement. Therefore, she considers me replacable... I do not want to be with someone who views me as replacable.
- She left a 13 year marriage, financial stability, and her son for someone she had only just met days prior... I do not want my life to be subject to someone who acts so irrationally.
- She is only bothered by "what she lost", not the "harm that she caused"... I do not want to be with someone who treats my own wants/needs with such disregard.
I was devastated at first because
she chose to leave me, but now I can look to the "she... / I..." statements above and re-frame it as
here is why I am choosing not to re-engage with her.
I'll also mention: One of my greatest fears early on was "what if she tries to come back?". Knowing that I was especially vulnerable to a recycle attempt, it was very reassuring to know that she was still occupied with the replacement.
Now that I'm a bit further along, I still deal with some guilt and a bit of fear (especially right now -- I think her situation may be starting to destabilize), but I'm less vulnerable because of the "she... / I..." re-framing. I can lean on those statements to remind me that I'm doing the right thing.
I want her to see her and the replacement broken up; am I just being petty? It's like I want to feel vindicated and say, "I told you it wasn't me." I also want to hear her apologize for all the terrible things she did to me.
All of those statements you made point to one thing: Seeking closure. This is another area that I struggled with.
There's nothing wrong with wanting closure, but all three scenarios you give (her new r/s collapsing, being able to say it wasn't you, or getting an apology) hinge on her giving you that closure. I desperately wanted
her to provide closure, but every time I tried to find it in my interactions with her it just put me deeper into unsettled feelings, depression, and FOG.
Eventually I had to accept that her inability to maintain healthy relationships also precludes her ability to provide closure. Instead, I came to realize that any closure I receive will have to come from within, and not from what she does or says.
In a way, detachment and radical acceptance give me closure.
As an example:
- I recently found out third-hand (casual mutual acquaintance, not familiar with the full details of our situation) that the ex is accusing me of being abusive.
- Old me (closure "from her"): I would have gotten defensive / embarrassed with the third-hand source. I would then have called the ex out on it, tried to reason with her, tried to understand why she feels I have been abusive, etc... In a "perfect dream world", she would apologize and admit things weren't true... In reality the whole thing would just turn into an argument and leave me feeling even more betrayed.
- New me (closure from "within"): I thank the third-hand source for their openness in sharing (since it's akward to tell someone they're being accused of abuse) and acknowledge that this isn't the first time the ex has said such things. I would then NOT contact my ex, and instead just remind myself that abuse allegations are her way of gaining sympathy and that they are a reflection of who she is, not who I am.
So in one scenario, resolution relies on her responses (giving her power over me). In the other, it doesn't rely on anything she does at all (eliminating her power over me).
How do I move on?
Back to the differences in our scenarios... I don't have specific advice, but I do want to re-emphasize having a lack of entanglements.
Do you find your continued friendships with the ex's family are mostly to your betterment or to your detriment?
Are there ways you can limit the flow of information and lessen your exposure to news of how your ex is doing?
