Boyfriend with BPD and don’t know what to do

[Stros78]

Long story short, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy with BPD for almost a year now. I realized quickly that something was off in terms of his mood swings. And at the most random times when we were hanging out, he would just suddenly ask me,  “When are you gonna leave me? they always leave me.”

As the relationship got more serious, that’s when the constant accusations of cheating began. I do know that pretty much every woman he’s been with has cheated on him or caused him physical harm in someway. His friends and people around town have confirmed this…. It’s not just him playing the victim.

I’ve gotten used to him getting angry, and then ghosting me for days at a time. If I don’t respond to his text messages fast enough, then he accuses me of being busy with other dudes, But he’ll never respond to my text messages.

He’ll go from saying i’m his guardian angel to acting like he hates me. It’s obvious that I am the first person he reaches out to when he’s having anxiety attack (from his substance-abuse issues) or needing something from the store, when he’s too drunk to drive and get it himself…. A sandwich, cigarettes, etc.

His substance issue has gotten worse within the last couple of months since his family member passed away. They had a complicated relationship because there was a lot of domestic abuse caused by the deceased person. And now his daughter has moved back in with him after he was only allowed weekend visits. Last time I saw him, he told me he wasn’t ready for her to come back full-time and he seems stressed out. His mood swings that night were happening every 30 seconds where he would call me every vulgar name in the book and then demand I come over and kiss him.

A few days after that, he told me to go to the store for him and I told him I didn’t know if I could because I wasn’t allowed to meet his daughter so I didn’t know how to bring the stuff to his house & not see her. I suggested I drop it off at the end of his very long driveway. He said that he would ask her if she was ready to meet me and then I was waiting for a clarification as to whether or not I could come up to his house. Then he said never mind she was angry, and I asked if she was angry at me and he said that she was angry at him and then he goes off on me, saying I ruined everything and again calls me all kinds of horrible names. For once I actually stood up for myself, and I said you can be angry at me if you want but I’m none of the things that you say I am… all he responded was “OK” and now he’s ghosted me.

His friends are concerned for my well-being. Even his own adult son said he doesn’t understand why I stay with him and that I should just leave because I don’t deserve to be treated like that. And his best friend has noticed that his anger has gotten worse recently too. I’m just worried that he’s ghosted me forever this time and that he’s not coming back. I regret standing up for myself and I feel like he’s blaming me for his daughter being mad at him even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

In two days it’ll be a week since I’ve heard from him. I don’t know if I should reach out to him personally. Or if I should ask his friend if he can kind of discreetly ask if he considers us still together.

I know he cheated on me a couple months ago with his ex-wife, the one that was constantly abandoning him and their children and getting pregnant by another man. He said it was a mistake, but I know she’s been coming over to the house since their daughter now lives there full-time. But I think back to when he told me how his ex-wife always ruins things whenever he’s happy. He was in a three-year relationship with another woman during one of the times his ex-wife abandoned him, and then he dumped the new girl to get back with the ex-wife when she wanted to reconnect.

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[kells76]

Hi Stros78, welcome to a group that really gets it about the "you're my angel / you're the devil" dynamics. Hard stuff to live with.

A lot has come to a head lately, with his daughter moving in, his family member passing away, his substance abuse, and his choices about fidelity. And it all impacts you, whether you like it or not.

What have been some of the positive things about your relationship? What would you say the biggest negatives are, for you?

And how did the last few days go?