Im at the end here

[Grammysgone]

 
My 32yr old daughter has BPD. She and my non verbal autistic grandson with ADHD has been living with my husband and myself for 9 moths now. She is divorcing an abusive narcissist X. We have spent close to 35K in 9 months on 3 lawyers.(the first 2 backed out because of her antics). I have been covering for her through this mess to protect my grandson. She would not be here if it wasn’t for him. My son moved out and only talks with her if needed. My husband has mentally checked out and is no help other than paying her lawyer bills(he’s currently on vacation in another country for 3 weeks) and then there’s me with MS trying to keep her X from getting full custody. We won the first round because of all my work custody wise.. The divorce is coming up late fall and keeping her controlled is like trying to put  a cat in a bag! She’s beaten up my mother and she blames me, she has had the DCF involved with my grandson and blames me, has no friends, blames me, and is more of a playmate than a parent. My grandson only has received help because of me.Her attitude, antics and  lack of parenting have taken a terrible toll on my health and my husbands(who I will probably be divorcing soon myself) No one in my family talks because of her. I am the only one who try’s to help my grandson, no one else cares about him. She is now manipulating him to not like me. All she does is sleep and lounge around telling me I’m a bad parent,mother, grandmother etc.. you all know the verbal part. Counceling,psychotherapy,drugs.. she won’t do it or lies about it. I’m so broken financially, mentally and physically that I have no life except putting out her fires. . I just wanted to get her divorced to try and get guardianship of my grandson or possible custody as I was told they’re both unfit parents but, I feel like the universe is against me  with this one. As you all know there is no pleasing them! I am not perfect, but she had a nice family life before she met the X. Her sibling has  a job that involves government security and is a decent person. I guess 1 good one out of 2 is ok? Do I keep her here for my grandchild. or do I stop paying her bills and just give up? If she’s manipulating my grandson here in my house against me,  I could only imagine what she’d say to him without me around. I never thought one person could ruin an entire families life,health,happiness and finances but I guess I allowed it..She is like a tornado of chaos and destruction.  Any advice (other than the therapy drug thing) would be great..My friends are beyond sick of listening to me and I honestly don’t blame them. I only have some humor left to get me through the day. I’m 54 and I feel and look like I’m 90. Of course she’s made sure she I knew that to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Grammysgone
Whew! What a load you are carrying! My first reaction was to your statement:

I never thought one person could ruin an entire families life, health, happiness and finances but I guess I allowed it

I hope coming here will help you know that bpd does this to so many, many families. We don't 'allow' it - we try to deal with this awful condition step by step, moment by moment, often doing so while coping tirades of abuse. When children are involved we do our best in an impossible position ie trying to support and protect our grandchildren while walking on eggshells around the parent.

The complexity is so much greater when your health conditions and those of your grandchild are in the mix!

There are two timeframes in the situation: one is the period of time up until the divorce/child arrangements are legally decided. The other - the longterm situation will depend somewhat on those decisions.

I have a few questions. How old is your grandchild and do they attend school? Are you applying for legal guardianship of your grandchild and if so, is your dd supporting your application? You say you won the first round - what was the outcome of that? How much will it cost to continue the court process and do you have the finances to keep going?

Do you work outside your home or have other regular things outside the home that you attend?

You are well and truly at the end of your tether, but you are at a point in this legal process that will keep on sapping your energy and affecting your health. Is there any chance you could go somewhere for a day or two just to rest and look at things from a distance? I suspect not but it could be good if possible.

I feel so much for you dealing with this.

[Grammysgone]

Hi Sancho,
Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it.I will respond to your questions below.
My grandchild is 6 he attends school and summer school as well.
I want to apply for legal guardianship or custody pending on the outcome.
My husband does supports/does not support this. He is so done he left for Europe to go see his family for 3 weeks not informing me until a month ago I am probably going to file for divorce myself after my daughters  is over.  His actions during this time have spoken volumes to me as far as our relationship goes.
“The first round” was going to court for “the best interest of the child” as my daughter fled the state of FL for domestic violence and the father then filed for divorce a week after she left and emergency custody. I focused on my grandsons best interest according to FL laws as soon as she got here. I set up all his therapies,Drs appts,schooling,ABA therapy  and community outreaches IE:library,friends, outings etc..The judge was infuriated with my daughter for leaving FL (even knowing about abuse) when we finally went to court in March”for best interest and where the child should live” and only let us go back to NH because of a letter I was able to get submitted regarding his therapeutic needs here. The divorce case is set for November. The judge is bias and FL is a 50/50 state and has jurisdiction currently. I say currently because there are a couple of loopholes here.
I have the finances to keep it going but they are coming from my husband right now. I am waiting for disability approval 1.5 years in so that’s another set of problems.( I worked 50 hours a week before this and had a great job)Then I will be in a stronger place financially. .
As far as attending things out of my home: they are few and far between. I’ve canceled many appointments and meet ups with people  solely because of her. I’m honestly afraid to leave her home alone with my grandson or my dogs. The last time was in Oct when I had surgery and was in the hospital for 2 days. I came home to most of  my window screens ripped out, my bedroom door off its base(she had to kick it in because my grandson locked himself in there and what she was doing at the time is a mystery) my dog missing a portion of hair above her eye as if she almost lost her eye on something. My daughter claims my grandson was running with her and she hurt herself(probably a lie) and my washing machine and dishwasher broken . I was gone a total of 48 hours. My husband was working a lot but has checked out other than checking in to shower,sleep, and leave again.
As far as going away for a couple of days,..In March of this year my daughter, grandson and myself were driving back from Florida to NH after winning the first court case. We were halfway home and she lashed out so bad I left the hotel we were at hysterical and checked into a local rehab for 5 days because I couldn’t take it anymore. When I returned home a week later, my daughter waited 48hrs and started up again. I never thought she’d break me but with all the additional issues she finally did.
I am working on a few back up plans for the November outcome. I’m very type A when it comes to crisis situations.
Most people  think dealing with a non verbal Autistic child is difficult when they hear this.. honestly he’s the easier one. It’s dealing with his 32yr old BPD/bi polar  mother and narcissistic abusive father(term used loosely with no child support) who are  the nightmare. I wonder if there is hope for this poor child DNA aside.. I see the damage his parents have done in 6 years to him.  I can’t even imagine 6 more..
Thank you so much for hearing me out

[Sancho]

Thanks for responding Grammysgone. It is hard to know what to say - such a load you are carrying!

Congratulations on what you have been able to put in place for your gs. That is truly amazing and will benefit him no end, and will also be very helpful in the court case. I am assuming there will be a court decision on custody/guardianship before the divorce is finalised in November?

November is such a long way away in these circumstances. What do the various outcomes look like to you? For example, if you are granted custody of your gs, will your dd still live with you? Does she accept that you are applying for this responsibility?

I can understand how just a few hours to yourself can be very difficult to organise. Being away for just 48 hours was truly awful! To come home from hospital to find all that  . . . !

I am so glad your gs has a routine and is well supported. Well done you!

I am sorry I don't have any helpful answers. I am in a slightly similar situation - dd and gd living in my small home with me, dd badmouthing me, now gd getting into that habit etc etc.

A friend (who is having a terrible time at the moment but for different reasons) told me of a saying the other day 'when you are going through hell, keep going'.

Since then I have told myself that each morning and I try to just get through each day. One thing that helps is taking a coffee and sitting outside on the steps listening to the birds in the trees behind the house. There I try to put all the stuff aside and think 'Well I am alive, in this difficult life, but I am here, breathing the air, listening to the birds, part of a world spinning in an immense universe'.

Sometimes I even connect in my mind with others who come here, knowing that we link up , sharing the fact that we are all faced with what I think is one of the most demanding challenges in the world ie living with a loved bpd child.

Taking this short time - time just to have a drink - and remind myself that my life is valuable, that I know others' are experiencing the pain that I experience, and that I am not going to let this pain overwhelm the fact that I am alive and part of this living universe, helps me reset and get through the demands of the day.

Sorry for rabbiting on! Just wanting you to know you are not alone  . . .

[Grammysgone]

Im so sorry you’re going through this! You don’t need helpful answers just and ear and I will offer mine to you! I read an article once about kids with mental illnesses moving back with parents and the title was “My life and house  have been hijacked” I completely got that! It’s bittersweet to know there are others out there going through this mess. It seems like the same statements keep coming up.. “I find a few minutes to myself every day”  My GS therapist is here 5 nights a week for 3.5 hrs so now I  am trying to get things done or find some time to myself while he’s here. I have been making my dd oversee it for now..The court case is for the divorce itself. The X husband is not willing to give up.He’s worse. He fell asleep once  while watching my GS and my gs managed to get out of the house and walk a 1/2 mile alone near a major route near tbe Xs apt. Thank God a Good Samaritan found him. When your going through he’ll keep going.. I like that! Thank you for reaching out and giving advice and your thoughts during your own difficult struggles. The hardest part is that you can’t even make excuses anymore for them. I just have to say I’m sorry, my dd has a mental illness and does not take her meds when she’s acting up. I used to make excuses and it got to a point where individuals where questioning my sanity! I can’t sit outside in the AM when my gs is home he’s got ADHD to and wakes up super early so I try to at night sit outside. I guess some of us are being challenged more than others in life  but it’s good to know that we can find others to talk to. I really appreciate you reaching out!