Univited to Wedding

[Our abuse recovery guide]

First post here. I had to un invited my mother to my wedding due to her harassing behavior before the wedding. I tried everything to get her to stop for a year

Therapy with her therapist (ended horribly 2x), NC, and pretty much just having firm boundaries. I always held onto a string of hope that I could fix her but I never was able to. In fact, every time I tried to fix it ("mom please stop saying hurtful things to us" or "mom any more negative comments about our marriage or wedding we will not have you there") things progressively became worse.

We had an amazing wedding, I don't regret not having her there cause I did try every single thing to get some form of guarantee that she would behave. She threatened my wife and I saying she will destroy us. Has publicly bashed both of us on social media saying how horrible we are, etc...I'm not realizing that my relationship with my mother wil most likely never be the same unless I bow down to her which will never happen. I don't think she'll ever get past this.  The other issue I have is my siblings were able to get through their weddings and now have an ok relationship with her but this just 'feels' different.

I'm struggling with these feelings of damn this is never going to be the same with her. Any advice how to cope with this? I'm NC with my mother at the moment.

[calmentreprenuer]

First post here. I had to un invited my mother to my wedding due to her harassing behavior before the wedding. I tried everything to get her to stop for a year

Therapy with her therapist (ended horribly 2x), NC, and pretty much just having firm boundaries. I always held onto a string of hope that I could fix her but I never was able to. In fact, every time I tried to fix it ("mom please stop saying hurtful things to us" or "mom any more negative comments about our marriage or wedding we will not have you there") things progressively became worse.

We had an amazing wedding, I don't regret not having her there cause I did try every single thing to get some form of guarantee that she would behave. She threatened my wife and I saying she will destroy us. Has publicly bashed both of us on social media saying how horrible we are, etc...I'm not realizing that my relationship with my mother wil most likely never be the same unless I bow down to her which will never happen. I don't think she'll ever get past this.  The other issue I have is my siblings were able to get through their weddings and now have an ok relationship with her but this just 'feels' different.

I'm struggling with these feelings of damn this is never going to be the same with her. Any advice how to cope with this? I'm NC with my mother at the moment.

[zachira]

You are one of many members on this site to post about how their mother with BPD attempted to ruin their wedding or actually did ruin it. You were wise to uninvite your mother. Now you are wondering about how to cope with how things will never be the same with your mother AND likely they won't as you have stood up to your mother, no longer being willing to stand for her terrible and disrespectful treatment of you and your wife. Putting your wife and yourself first and not allowing your mother to ruin your wedding means you will have a level of happiness and trust in your marriage that would likely not exist without having set healthy boundaries with your mother. Many members on this site are at different levels of contact with their mother with BPD. My mother with BPD is deceased. I was very low contact with her in her last years. No contact can be permanent or temporary. What I have seen a lot on this site, is members experiment with different levels of contact with their disordered family members, either eventually deciding on limited levels of contact that work somewhat after much soul searching and experiences, And other members who opt for permanent no contact as having contact with their disordered family members does not work at all and they are actually able to do permanent no contact. I am low contact with my entire immediate and extended families because of many generations of abuse, and I am one of many scapegoats from at least six generations. I am not able to go completely no contact with my relatives, and you are probably going to be at least hearing about your mother through your siblings or other relatives. You will find ways to deal with this, something that other members here can help you with. Congratulations on your wedding! Much happiness to you and your wife!

[Notwendy]

She may or may not get past this. One question is - would you want to?

My BPD mother has gone back and forth with how she decides she feels about me. When she decides she wants the relationship, she does what I call the "dry erase" connection. Basically whatever she did needs to be forgotten, erased, as if it never happened. She'll say "let's start over". The idea of forgiveness is important but it doesn't mean we forget or don't have boundaries with her. To me, this feels a bit like Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown. She convinces him that she won't pull it away, but when he runs to kick it, she does.

I can forgive in terms of not holding a grudge or resentment, but I'm wary about running after that "ball" ( the wish for a good relationship). It may be that in the moment, BPD mother wishes that too. It's her BPD that affects how she perceives things and this is the limit to the relationship. I can't change that for her.

I am going to bet that your mother, as angry as she is, will likely come around. The question is- what will you do. I think it's common for parents with BPD to relate to siblings differently. My mother has a better relationship with her favorite child. I think it helps to keep in mind that none of this is personal to you, but about how your mother perceives things, even if it's difficult.

Congratulations on the wedding. I am glad you were able to have this special day in the way you wanted it to be.

[livednlearned]

The other issue I have is my siblings were able to get through their weddings and now have an ok relationship with her but this just 'feels' different.

I think they pay for this ok relationship in ways that are hard to see.

Were you the scapegoat in the family?

In pathologic families, it is often the scapegoat who goes to therapy and learns to do things in different, healthier ways. Often this involves introspection and an ability to experience vulnerability and intimacy and spontaneity, which are qualities that can be quite threatening to dysfunctional families. Families with BPD patterns tend to use rigid roles to function and getting out of line elicits swift punishment by the rest of the family in an effort to stabilize and return to dysfunction.

People with untreated BPD tend to have no boundaries. We need boundaries to help us define who we are. Getting along with someone who has no boundaries often involves some kind of sacrifice that can have an impact on other parts of our lives and even how we feel about ourselves.

There is a cost to estrangement but if it comes at the expense of having a healthy boundary then most likely it is worth it. Giving into a bully in exchange for the illusion of peace only empowers bullies more. It's inevitable that more of the same behavior will follow.