My realiziation

[1crzybanana]

Well hello everyone. What a difference a week makes in terms of a reality check. Being my first post I would like to say how grateful to have this place to come to and I hope I can get some guidance for my sanity and my relationship with my mom. My daughter after the last "episode" last year said Mom I think grandma has bpd. I had never heard of that. But I began researching and immediately was in denial with guilt that I would think this way about my mom. But after a phone call last week ended with my decision to not come over for father's day, my world has shattered. I realize the damage this has done to me along with the hurt and confusion and the constant knot in my stomach before each visit.  It all sadly makes sense. Things that I had accepted as just "her". There was never any physical abuse, but there were countless occasions of guilt trips, blowing up and throwing things, and getting in the car and leaving over minor comments or issues.
My husband of 33 years has been the target for the last 20+ years. He has no right to disagree, question or suggest anything. She literally, I believe hates him. All our "events" are due to him. Over the years he has been so good as to keep the peace to apologize for things he did not even do. Knowing what I know now, I carry that guilt as well. Has he "poked the bear", sure because I think he has just gotten tired of being made out to be the enemy and bully. When I say this, for example, he simply said one day that he didn't care for meatloaf . At the time it was "I can't believe you don't like it, it was part of my childhood, something is wrong with you". Then I endured a phone call about how it hurt my parent's feelings that he was making fun of how they were raised. Then we endured her insistence of a family meeting to discuss how he insulted them. I was so stupid to even put up with that. He left their house on another occasion after another stupid trigger and that's pretty much were I find myself right now only this time I have drawn the line and said no more. She blew up on me the Friday before fathers day, we didn't go and I have not spoken to her since. It only took me 53 years. Today I receive a text asking for a meeting between myself and my parents, of course without my husband. It literally made me nauseous. My husband told me he did not want me going over by myself. I agree after reading about triangling. I realize I really do need therapy and looking for one right now. But how do I respond to this request. I have so much fear and anxiety and feel so stupid that I have put myself in this position, but I'm tired of all the blame on my husband and really me. I do love my parents, but feel like I grew up with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[livednlearned]

Hello, you fit right in here  

I identify so much with the nausea. I've done a lot of therapy and come a long way but I still seem to get back spasms and migraines when I visit my family, and one time got a case of shingles an hour before driving to see them. That's without any active conflict.

One of the lessons I've learned here is to use BIFF statements (brief, informative, friendly, firm). Less is more. You want a small target.

Often the hard thing is managing the physical and emotional sensations that come up when we change behaviors. It will probably be tough to not respond, although that's a perfectly reasonable option.

If you do text, keep it short. It may take you time to work up to other changed behaviors so it's really about what you feel strong enough to tolerate.

"I'm taking a time out this week. Maybe another time when I'm feeling better."
"I'll get back to you on that when I have a better handle on things."
"How about never."

Just kidding on the last one.

Buy some time for yourself. It's ok to be non-committal and vague. A lot of us grew up in families with no boundaries and oversharing was part of how the family system maintained control. However, it's perfectly ok to hold space for yourself and not let people rush you into things you don't want to do.

They'll definitely freak out because you're changing behaviors and that will scare them (losing control). But you'll get a bit of time to get centered and settle in for this important new chapter.

[1crzybanana]

Livednlearned,
You are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for just talking to me and being a voice of reason.I go in and out of being angry with my parents, feeling guilty because I do love them and just wanting to go on a long trip to get away from them. Then I hear that familiar voice in my head that says maybe you should go over and try to work things out and the new voice that says, this has to stop! Thank you so much for your response suggestions. I have had so much support from my kids and husband this week, but I still have felt very isolated and these small interactions make a huge difference.