Troubling signs in the new relationship

[csquare319]

Hi everybody. It's been a while since my last post, hope everyone is doing well.

I recently met an older woman, probably in her late 50s or early 60s, about a month ago at a dog park. We started talking, and she gradually became both a friend and a romantic interest. However, I've noticed some concerning behaviors that indicate she may have BPD. These behaviors include being hot and cold with me and using push-pull tactics to manipulate me, which I find quite frustrating.

One red flag I've observed is her refusal to take responsibility for cheating on her ex-husband, which ultimately led to their divorce. She seems to believe that her only fault in the marriage was being overly accommodating to him.

Additionally, her relationship with her late father was strained, particularly after his divorce from her mother.

Another aspect is her habit of intentionally delaying her responses to my text messages, using this tactic to maintain control over the situation.

Furthermore, she frequently suffers from migraine headaches, and it's worth noting that BPD is often found among individuals who experience migraines.

I plan to confront her about her hot-cold, push-pull tactics. Would appreciate any advice/suggestions from the community.

[kells76]

Hi csquare319, welcome back; we're glad we can be somewhere that you feel safe sharing what's going on in your life.

Just a couple of questions to help us get a handle on your situation and goals --

You've been through one relationship with a woman with BPD in the past, and now, you're noticing some possible similar red flags in this current romantic interest.

What's your goal in confronting her with your observations of her behavior?

What would be the best possible outcome?

What would be the worst possible outcome?

And, as you reflect on your goal, the best/worst case scenarios, and your previous experience with pwBPD -- what would be the most likely outcome of confronting her?

Lots of questions, I know 

[capecodling]

To echo some of the sentiments of kells76, there are a lot of questions I would ask myself in your position, such as why you would want to engage with her at all?  I would think any previous relationship would cure most of us from ever wanting to have anything to do with another BPD, its just too painful.  I can see some value in recognizing the BPD behavior and calling her out on it, not that she’ll be likely to change, but to do that for yourself.

I have a similar story, post breakup with my BPDex I went on a few dates with a woman who clearly turned out to have BPD, midway through the past date she took a call from her boyfriend wondering where she was.  I was visibly bewildered she said to me “its ok, I’m probably going to dump him.”  With all the other signs i saw in her of BPD (love bombing, hot-cold, unreasonable demands, terror of abandonment, constant emergencies every single day) I just walked away from her mid-date.  She looked shocked as I walked away but there was also this knowing gleam in her eyes, that inner BPD saying “don’t leave me, go away.”  She still contacts me wanting to meet up, I won’t engage her, it will just be too painful.

[jaded7]

Hi everybody. It's been a while since my last post, hope everyone is doing well.

I recently met an older woman, probably in her late 50s or early 60s, about a month ago at a dog park. We started talking, and she gradually became both a friend and a romantic interest. However, I've noticed some concerning behaviors that indicate she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These behaviors include being hot and cold with me and using push-pull tactics to manipulate me, which I find quite frustrating.

One red flag I've observed is her refusal to take responsibility for cheating on her ex-husband, which ultimately led to their divorce. She seems to believe that her only fault in the marriage was being overly accommodating to him.

Additionally, her relationship with her late father was strained, particularly after his divorce from her mother.

Another aspect is her habit of intentionally delaying her responses to my text messages, using this tactic to maintain control over the situation.

Furthermore, she frequently suffers from migraine headaches, and it's worth noting that BPD is often found among individuals who experience migraines.

I plan to confront her about her hot-cold, push-pull tactics. Would appreciate any advice/suggestions from the community.

The two things that stand out to me are not taking responsibility for cheating and blaming her ex-husband for her behavior- cheating. This is classic. Then she'll probably denigrate him for his response to her cheating- the problem isn't my behavior, it's your response to my bad behavior.

The second is the intentionally delaying responses to text messages. First, how do you know for sure that she is intentionally delaying? Not criticizing, but it's easy to assign intentions to peoples behavior. But if true, I really dislike that. It's controlling, intentional manipulation. Which is never a good sign.

[Biggus]

One red flag I've observed is her refusal to take responsibility for cheating on her ex-husband, which ultimately led to their divorce. She seems to believe that her only fault in the marriage was being overly accommodating to him.

This would be a serious red flag to me. In your shoes I'd imagine, that she would cheat me when there's a problem or a lull, and then put the blame on me. Trust is the most important thing. Can there be trust without responsibility?

Then, "her being overly accommodating to him" is just words. It could as well mean that she was really nasty to him, but in her opinion she should have been so much nastier. Kind of sounds like a job interview joke, "my only fault is I'm just too perfect!".

From these two things you could deduct, that her unhappiness in the marriage didn't lead to real conversations and problem solving, but her keeping up a smiley face while cheating him.

Push and pull is annoying, but I'd figure out some way to confront her about her ideas of what responsibility means.

One more thing: How do you feel about yourself when you are with her? Do you feel valued? Relaxed?

[SinisterComplex]

Hi everybody. It's been a while since my last post, hope everyone is doing well.

I recently met an older woman, probably in her late 50s or early 60s, about a month ago at a dog park. We started talking, and she gradually became both a friend and a romantic interest. However, I've noticed some concerning behaviors that indicate she may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These behaviors include being hot and cold with me and using push-pull tactics to manipulate me, which I find quite frustrating.

One red flag I've observed is her refusal to take responsibility for cheating on her ex-husband, which ultimately led to their divorce. She seems to believe that her only fault in the marriage was being overly accommodating to him.

Additionally, her relationship with her late father was strained, particularly after his divorce from her mother.

Another aspect is her habit of intentionally delaying her responses to my text messages, using this tactic to maintain control over the situation.

Furthermore, she frequently suffers from migraine headaches, and it's worth noting that BPD is often found among individuals who experience migraines.

I plan to confront her about her hot-cold, push-pull tactics. Would appreciate any advice/suggestions from the community.

Could she have BPD? Sure. Could she have PTSD? Possible. My point is to be careful about trying to diagnose. Calling someone out on their behavior though I always fully support. However, before doing it consider what your endgame is and what goals do you hope to achieve. Don't just shoot from the hip and see what happens...have a plan and please strive to be clear headed with making assumptions. From what I gather you do not have enough information to go off of. However, on the flip side though...you see red flags so I have to ask why continue and pursue? What are your deal breakers?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[csquare319]

Thank you, Kells, for these soul searching questions. Despite the current phase of devaluation I find myself in, I appreciate that she continues to demonstrate empathy and kindness. Our shared interests and connection make it difficult for me to let go of the relationship, especially if she is not someone who has BPD.

Ideally, the best outcome would be for the devaluation to cease, allowing us to return to the same positive and fulfilling relationship we had before. On the other hand, the worst-case scenario would involve a complete breakup and the severing of all communication between us.

Regarding confronting her with my observations of her behavior, my goal is to address the concerns I have and seek understanding. However, I understand that the most likely outcome, given the current circumstances, is the second scenario I mentioned earlier.

I now understand your perspective, although a bit too late, as I have already expressed my concerns to her. Unfortunately, this has led to her devaluing me, causing me significant emotional pain. Despite this, I am doing my best not to pursue her and instead focus on healing myself during this challenging time.

[csquare319]

I appreciate your advice, my friend. You're absolutely right, I should have approached the situation with more caution when it came to diagnosing her. The lingering effects of my previous relationship with someone who had BPD were still affecting me deeply. As our new relationship began, I found myself caught up in the intoxicating idealization phase, and I unintentionally associated her behavior with the pain I had experienced before. It's a clear demonstration of how trauma from a past relationship with a pwBPD can potentially undermine and sabotage future relationships.

Recognizing this now, I understand the importance of being mindful and not allowing past experiences to cloud my judgment in new relationships. It's crucial to give each person a fair chance and not project past pain onto them. Healing from past trauma is a necessary journey, and I am committed to working on it so that it doesn't hinder future connections and the potential for healthy relationships. Thank you for highlighting this valuable lesson.

[csquare319]

Great questions, Capecodling, and thank you for sharing your experience. Kudos that you had the courage to walk out on your date once you realized she wasn't the right fit for you.

In my case, I have noticed that this person demonstrates conscientiousness and empathy, qualities that were lacking in my previous relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD. She has explained to me that the delayed texts were due to her busy workday and has reassured me that she is not into manipulative hot-and-cold behavior. I find myself inclined to believe her.

Regardless of the outcome of this relationship, I recognize that there is a lot of personal work I need to do on myself. If there is any value that can come out of this already failed relationship, it's the realization that I need to focus on self-improvement and becoming a better version of myself. I acknowledge that I might have rushed into this relationship too quickly, and now I am dealing with the painful consequences. This serves as a reminder for me to take the time to develop and grow, ensuring that I approach future relationships with more care and self-awareness.

[csquare319]

The two things that stand out to me are not taking responsibility for cheating and blaming her ex-husband for her behavior- cheating. This is classic. Then she'll probably denigrate him for his response to her cheating- the problem isn't my behavior, it's your response to my bad behavior.

The second is the intentionally delaying responses to text messages. First, how do you know for sure that she is intentionally delaying? Not criticizing, but it's easy to assign intentions to peoples behavior. But if true, I really dislike that. It's controlling, intentional manipulation. Which is never a good sign.

Great point, Jaded. You're absolutely right—I shouldn't have jumped to the worst conclusions. It's possible that she was genuinely busy with work, and I mistakenly interpreted her delayed response as a push-pull, hot-cold tactic. It's important for me to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider alternative explanations for her behavior.

However, I must admit that during the week when I confronted her about my concerns, I noticed a decrease in her level of engagement with me. It caught my attention that she was in contact with someone she referred to as a "friend" but whom she had a previous long-term romantic relationship with, even being briefly engaged. Interestingly, this person lives in a different part of the country but happened to be in town that same week. Naturally, I began to worry and assumed the worst about their relationship.

On her part, she maintains that they are only friends, but I understand that this situation has caused some doubt and unease for me.

[csquare319]

Thank you, Biggus. Your support means the world to me right now. With her, I felt an incredible sense of comfort and ease, but I'm beginning to question if it was just the idealization phase, where everything seemed effortless and perfect. Ever since I confronted her about my concerns, I've noticed a shift towards devaluation, and I find myself walking on eggshells, trying to navigate our interactions with caution. It's been two weeks now since I last saw or spoke to her, and I'm attempting to use this time as an opportunity to detach and create some space.

However, I must admit that this process is incredibly painful—perhaps even more so than my previous relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD. The uncertainty is weighing on me heavily. I question whether she truly has BPD or if my own insecurities and past trauma have caused me to overanalyze and misinterpret everything. It's a constant battle within myself, trying to determine the root cause of the pain and confusion I'm experiencing.

The community's support and listening ears provide a much-needed anchor during this challenging time. Thanks everybody for being there for me.