Finally decided to end the relationship

[Collaguazo]

Hi,

I have been following this forum for a while after learning my exGF has BPD. We were together for 10 months(broke up last Monday)  and it was very intense. I had been single for a few years and when I met her, I soon fell madly in love. Things were great for around 3-4 months although I was already seeing some BPD traits, which I chose to ignore. I suffer from depression and during a session with my doc in January, he told me she most likely has BPD.

I believe she is undiagnosed, never mentioned it besides her anxiety disorder. But after reading more about BPD, the stories in here, everything made sense.

We had an unplanned 8 week pregnancy that sadly ended in miscarriage at the beginning of may. II initially brought us closer together but when she became dysregulated she blamed me for losing the baby because I was a “terrible” partner. Also during one of her outbursts it slipped from her that she was in contact with her ex and wanted to get back with him until she learned of the pregnancy. Then finally in another anger outburst she said she kissed with the guy while we were together and insulted my parents.  She denied the kiss afterwards saying she just wanted to hurt me, hard to believe it since she accepted they meet for lunch.

Anyhow, the last 2 weeks the abuse became unbearable, constantly wanted to break and, ironically, she was convinced I cheated on her. My birthday was at the beginning of June and she was convinced I got messages from other girls and didn’t tell her. She keep demanding that I make something to save the relationship but honestly I didn’t have the energy anymore so last Monday when she once again said we are no longer together I hung up the phone, grabbed some of her things that were at my place, put them in a bag together with a goodbye note and left it at her house with the security guard. Right away she tried to call me around 20 times and even went to my place to try and talk to me. I refused to engage because I was not sure about her reaction (fury, regret, etc) and I was sticking to my decision of stop chasing her.

She left a couple of messages saying I am the worse kind of guy, and a liar that never cared or loved her.

Now I have a mix of anger, loneliness and doubt if ending the relationship was the right thing to do. I still miss her a lot but then I remember that she most likely cheated on me and get angry and frustrated. I also remember the abuse and get mad at myself for not being more firm and enabling her. But also deep down I still hope she will try to get back with me and apologize for everything, and maybe recognize she needs therapy.

She blocked me and then unblocked me. We haven’t  spoke since Monday but I think about her all day trying to make sense of everything and sometimes I wonder if she really loved me or cared about me.

It’s really hard

[ConflictedWalrus]

Welcome to the forum. We're all in this together!

Now I have a mix of anger, loneliness and doubt if ending the relationship was the right thing to do. I still miss her a lot but then I remember that she most likely cheated on me and get angry and frustrated. I also remember the abuse and get mad at myself for not being more firm and enabling her. But also deep down I still hope she will try to get back with me and apologize for everything, and maybe recognize she needs therapy.

I don't have a lot of insight, but I'd like to acknowledge that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. A hallmark of BPD relationships is getting lost deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Getting out of the FOG can be extremely painful at times.

... I think about her all day trying to make sense of everything and sometimes I wonder if she really loved me or cared about me

If you want to understand her better, I recommend reading books on BPD and searching thru the back-catalog of forum posts here to learn from others who have been in your shoes.

Seeking closure from your ex (be it through conversation, social media snooping, etc.) is rarely effective and will often leave you feeling worse than before.

It’s really hard

This is true. Ending a BPD r/s may be the hardest thing you do in your life, but you've wisely chosen to detach before it's too late.

Staying on your current course (non-reactive, no contact) will give you the "breathing room" needed to process what happened in the r/s.

Just hang in there.

[Collaguazo]

Hi ConflictedWalrus,

Thanks for your post! It was really helpful.

Today has been particularly hard, still think about her a lot, and was really considering contacting her. But, as you said, most likely it will do more harm than good. I am not gonna get any closure if I am still painted black and if it’s not case, I know my hope of getting back together will get stronger and it will hurt a lot.

[capecodling]

I second what you have already said.  Each cycle of reconnecting-devalue-discard gets more and more painful and does more damage as you do more and more of them.  But some of us had to go back multiple times to finally get the lesson, and some on here are still in contact with their ex.  It is sad to see that, because you can always see the doubt and fear and also hope in their messages: maybe this time will be different?  But its always the same (or worse) result.  Whatever you decide to do — and I hope you think back to when you ended things how you felt then, to remain no contact — but if you go back and get hurt again here we are to help start the recovery process again.

[Collaguazo]

I second what you have already said.  Each cycle of reconnecting-devalue-discard gets more and more painful and does more damage as you do more and more of them.  But some of us had to go back multiple times to finally get the lesson, and some on here are still in contact with their ex.  It is sad to see that, because you can always see the doubt and fear and also hope in their messages: maybe this time will be different?  But its always the same (or worse) result.  Whatever you decide to do — and I hope you think back to when you ended things how you felt then, to remain no contact — but if you go back and get hurt again here we are to help start the recovery process again.

Thanks capecodling

The last few days have been hard, a mix of sadness and frustration. However, I still have some of our chats as a reminder of how bad things could get. Seeing how in 30 minutes I went from being her love of her life to being the worst that happened to her, it’s a reality check.

After what we went through I guess she will always be a part of me, so I might as well make peace with her and myself and try to move forward.

[WickedStepMum]

Hang in there! I think you did the right thing.

[babyducks]

Today has been particularly hard, still think about her a lot, and was really considering contacting her.

These relationships we find ourselves in are not like ~normal~ relationships.   and they are particularly hard to detach from.

On the top of this board is a thread called Lessons which is always locked there.   It's a great way to browse this very large site.    The links are helpful in steering a course.

It says in the Lessons tab that we are "bound to an unhealthy partner in unhealthy ways".   Certainly, was true in my case. 

For me one of the steps of detaching was working on tricks, tips, and tools to not ruminate.   To get my thinking unstuck.    It took some time.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#5

I would recommend a look at this link.

[capecodling]

Thanks capecodling

The last few days have been hard, a mix of sadness and frustration. However, I still have some of our chats as a reminder of how bad things could get. Seeing how in 30 minutes I went from being her love of her life to being the worst that happened to her, it’s a reality check.

After what we went through I guess she will always be a part of me, so I might as well make peace with her and myself and try to move forward.

Good I am pulling for you to stick to it!  As the page babyducks sent you correctly pointed out, each cycle with the BPD will inflict more deep damage on your psyche and will result in her also painting you blacker and blacker, which is also difficult to endure.  Its like your once sweet little angel has turned into a zombie, if you go back you will get mauled and infected.  Its actually nothing personal to you, she’s a zombie who will maul and infect anyone around her, particularly a romantic partner.  It still hurts when you depersonalize it in this way, but if you can detach yourself enough to see it, internalize that you can’t be near her or you’ll get infected, that is enough to start your healing and put yourself back together.