Been a while since posting, things just super bad atm

[isilme]

He projects a lot onto me. Angry at coworkers, he picks a fight with me, then says I picked a fight.

I am practically a human door mat.  I had been doing better, but in 2018 a hereditary immune disorder that had been an unknown but present issue kicked into overdrive to the point where I finally had to find help.

I don’t pick fights. I may speak up if there is something to say, mis reading signs that I am in the crosshairs, but I get no joy, no funsies from fighting. I know there are couples who fight to make up, and maybe they even exist without it being dysfunctional, somehow.

But usually, if I make the mistake of invalidating I picked a fight, or if my face, tone, or a single comment is wrong, suddenly it bows up, and I get chased room to room (tiny house, 800 sq ft, few doors) and as an ill person NC with all family, I have nowhere to go.  I can’t even rely on the age old final straw emergency plan of staying in my office, since it’s become evident it literally makes me ill.  Been working from home since march.

He’s had a bad few weeks. He has a lack of support from two areas at work, he’s had to move an entire office alone, and I get he’s on edge.  I’ve been trying to accommodate him, do what I can (still do all chores, but I’m home now, it makes more sense).  I’ve felt ill much of June, the weather system seems to making my system flare, so I’ve been a little slow on a few things, but his laundry is done. Dishes are clean. Pets cared for. House swept, maybe not mopped. Most rooms cluttered, but not dirty.  Routinely dusting. Put away his stuff left out. Lawn-care arranged. Etc.

He’s on new meds, I think as before, his blood sugar is dropping more than he’s used to and that combined with BPD is just bad. Diabetic Hypoglycemic psychosis plus bpd rage is just not fun.

And most of our fights center around me trying to feed him.

He is an emotional picky eater. He will balk, refuse to tell me what he will eat.  If I make the decision and order wrong, he literally throws it at me, or on the floor, stomps around, and it’s just a nightmare, then he’s physically ill for about two days from the tantrum plus the off balance sugars. Same if I cook.  If he needs a nap, and sleeps past restaurants being open, it’s my fault for not waking him, rage ensues. If I wake him sooner, 50/50 he will answer, tell me what he will eat, or, he will rage for bothering him.

Yes. It has gotten briefly violent. No, I cannot go anywhere, seek assistance on that front.  I try to ‘take a break’ and leave him, but the ticking clock of sugar dropping means I don’t have the time needed for the bpd dysregulation to reset, before the sugar falling makes it resurface 100 fold.

I’m just typing because I pretty much had my ears boxed a few times, and I have no where to go, no one to call, need to calm myself down, and this is how I self soothe.  I am hoping he oasses out so I can go grab what I suggested Inordr

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[Turkish]

isilme!

I'm glad to see you back, but not under the same circumstances which you last posted about 2 years ago. Have things gotten worse resulting in you returning for support? You indicate that you are isolated. Have you reached out to an anonymous help line?

Not to impugn diabetics, but it sounds like the symptoms in combination with his BPD behaviors are too much to handle for you, and violence is never acceptable, no matter how sick physically or mentally a person is.

[isilme]

I have tried to reply three times, it’s gotten eaten each time.  Maybe it’s best, I’ll just ramble about a situation I cannot gather the needed drive and energy to change. 

Tried a self harm hotline a month back, it was not really helpful.  The chat person was… not very communicative, I felt unheard, unhelped, and like as usual I am just in existence when people want me for things, and forgotten when not.  I don’t want to be here, but I am too chicken and squeamish to do anyhting people should worry about.  I’d go somewhere no one I know would find me.

He’s in a devalue stage.  A person like me doesn’t have that far left to ne devalued.  I already don’t matter to most human beings.  I do work, unseen, others take credit or forget, as I’ve learned about work this last few months, abandoned by friends once chronic illness set in, H does not hand,e me being sick, too, he becomes competative or controlling about me.  Either I am to just act fine, or be wrapped in bubble wrap,  jt his help is as always limited.

Except for my cats I am alone anyway.

[Cat Familiar]

How are you doing today isilme ?