Non-monogamous mistake

[Anxiathy]

Hi. I'm not emotionally ready to share everything, but I am going through a recent break up with my ex of 4 years. We started out as non-monogamous based on my suggestion. Big mistake. Looking back on it I suppose she must have been mirroring or trying too hard to please me. Cue 4 years of on and off turmoil of trying to being her partner/best friend/amateur psychologist/enemy/manipulator/boundary crosser and now, nothing. There were a couple instances of unusual cheating that I overlooked due to vicious codependency on my part, as well as what I still feel is a genuine love for her. There were a few more instances of me pulling back from the honesty I'd tried to approach the relationship with due to a fear of being left emotionally alone when she'd pull away, and allowed the sensation of walking on eggshells to lead me to lying to her in a way that contributed to shattering an already naturally frayed trust.

It's been a few weeks of no contact now. Every once in a while I notice her blocking me on more social media. It hurts every time. We were supposed to break no contact again today and I'm struggling to not make that happen myself. I know I shouldn't. I just miss her horribly and want desperately want someone back they may have never even been there in the first place.

[kells76]

Hi Anxiathy, welcome to the group  it's totally fine here to share at a level that works for you, so please know you can take your time and "be in the driver's seat" about what you disclose.

Even a "normal" breakup is painful at a core level, and breakups with pwBPD aren't "normal".

You two were together for four years -- I'm curious what happened along the way to lead you to suspecting BPD?

Did your ex initiate the breakup, or did you, or... other?

Tell me a little more about this (if you're okay with it):

We were supposed to break no contact again today and I'm struggling to not make that happen myself.

Am I tracking with you that the two of you had an agreement to reach out to each other on a certain day?

I just miss her horribly and want desperately want someone back they may have never even been there in the first place.

That's a whole other layer of pain to BPD relationships and breakups -- that pwBPD (whether diagnosed or not) struggle to have a real self. Was the "good" one the "real her?" Who was it you were with, anyway?

The pain and loneliness are so heavy. How are you doing with all of that today? Fill us in whenever works for you, and, again, at any level of detail that you personally are okay with.

-kells76

[SinisterComplex]

Hi. I'm not emotionally ready to share everything, but I am going through a recent break up with my ex of 4 years. We started out as non-monogamous based on my suggestion. Big mistake. Looking back on it I suppose she must have been mirroring or trying too hard to please me. Cue 4 years of on and off turmoil of trying to being her partner/best friend/amateur psychologist/enemy/manipulator/boundary crosser and now, nothing. There were a couple instances of unusual cheating that I overlooked due to vicious codependency on my part, as well as what I still feel is a genuine love for her. There were a few more instances of me pulling back from the honesty I'd tried to approach the relationship with due to a fear of being left emotionally alone when she'd pull away, and allowed the sensation of walking on eggshells to lead me to lying to her in a way that contributed to shattering an already naturally frayed trust.

It's been a few weeks of no contact now. Every once in a while I notice her blocking me on more social media. It hurts every time. We were supposed to break no contact again today and I'm struggling to not make that happen myself. I know I shouldn't. I just miss her horribly and want desperately want someone back they may have never even been there in the first place.

Welcome to the fam. 

Feel free to share as much or as little as you want to. However, keep in mind that you will get more out of this experience the more you put into it.

Beyond that I would ask you to center yourself and take some time to reflect and see if your desperate feelings are based on your ego being bruised or if you just truly want the person back. You have to take the steps to work on yourself and put yourself into a position to where if you do cross the bridge and allow this person back into your life that you are prepared for it. Figure out what goals you hope to achieve and have a plan in place.

Your feelings are hard to deal with now of course...you still have to grieve and have a lot to unpack...take the time to heal YOU. So as not to overload you I will leave it at that for now. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. This family will have your back.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-