favoritism among children

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wrote an email (below, using DEAR MAN) to my co-parent (uBPD/NPD), but I am expecting he will respond that the left-out child (#1) wasn't as interested in sewing or is just fine with the arrangement. When I intervened in the same situation before, he and his mother said it's because that child changed her mind or couldn't decide on a project, and when I pushed back on that (neither are true), the grandmother (uNPD) did rush to fit in a third project, although sloppily and with some huff.

How do I respond to a reply of "she's just fine with this"? (And feel free to give me feedback on the email, too, although I already sent it.) I also fear my intervention may only make it worse for the children. The children are visiting their paternal grandparents out of state for a week; their father is with them.

Your mom is helping the children with sewing projects this week. I very much appreciate that she does this with them. #3 has described the cape she is making and #2 the blouse, and they are both excited about these. When I talked with #1, she extolled the beauty of #2's fabric, but she had no sewing project herself and said maybe she'd have one if there was time after her sisters finished.

This feels unfair and not in the interest of any of the children. It reminds me of similar patterns we've encountered with sewing projects in the past, and it makes me mad these patterns continue and I have to intervene--and ask you to intervene--again.

Would you please make sure that all three children are treated equally with sewing projects? This means that all three have a sewing project, that the projects are allotted roughly equal amount of time, that one project is not left to the end and if there is time, and that fabric and patterns are provided for all three children, with no saving of a particularly special fabric for one child.

Being intentional about the fair and equal distribution of the gift of sewing  projects is in everyone's interest and will make the time and memories of it far more pleasurable for all.

[zondolit]

I wrote an email (below, using DEAR MAN) to my co-parent (uBPD/NPD), but I am expecting he will respond that the left-out child (#1) wasn't as interested in sewing or is just fine with the arrangement. When I intervened in the same situation before, he and his mother said it's because that child changed her mind or couldn't decide on a project, and when I pushed back on that (neither are true), the grandmother (uNPD) did rush to fit in a third project, although sloppily and with some huff.

How do I respond to a reply of "she's just fine with this"? (And feel free to give me feedback on the email, too, although I already sent it.) I also fear my intervention may only make it worse for the children. The children are visiting their paternal grandparents out of state for a week; their father is with them.

Your mom is helping the children with sewing projects this week. I very much appreciate that she does this with them. #3 has described the cape she is making and #2 the blouse, and they are both excited about these. When I talked with #1, she extolled the beauty of #2's fabric, but she had no sewing project herself and said maybe she'd have one if there was time after her sisters finished.

This feels unfair and not in the interest of any of the children. It reminds me of similar patterns we've encountered with sewing projects in the past, and it makes me mad these patterns continue and I have to intervene--and ask you to intervene--again.

Would you please make sure that all three children are treated equally with sewing projects? This means that all three have a sewing project, that the projects are allotted roughly equal amount of time, that one project is not left to the end and if there is time, and that fabric and patterns are provided for all three children, with no saving of a particularly special fabric for one child.

Being intentional about the fair and equal distribution of the gift of sewing  projects is in everyone's interest and will make the time and memories of it far more pleasurable for all.

[Notwendy]

From the perspective of being the child not favored, I appreciate that you tried with this email but I don't think it would do any good. The response, denial, "the child isn't interested" is their perspective, and one can't change their thinking. They don't see anything wrong with it.

You can only control yourself and your own relationship with your kids. They will see that they are all loved equally and unconditionally by you.

[zondolit]

Thanks, Notwendy. I'm sorry you experienced (un)favoritism.

Not bringing it up does have the advantage of being a far easier approach--I save having to write an email and brace myself for the response.

Their response was indeed denial: there is no problem.

[Notwendy]

As a child, this was difficult but as an adult, I can see how my "golden child" sibling was more affected by being my BPD mother's favorite- there's more enmeshment and difficulty separating as an adult. I was more motivated to become independent from my parents.

In families where there's a dysfunctional person, the other family members tend to take on specific roles- like scapegoat child, golden child. Parents with personality disorders tend to see their children as extensions of themselves- there to serve the parent's need, rather than parents being the caretakers of the child. Since this is a part of their thinking, I don't think they see the discrepancy.

I don't think either "role"- favorite or unfavorite- is good for a child. I know, as a parent, that it's difficult to be completely equal in terms of time and attention for children- they have different personalities, some have different needs at different times but I think it's clear that all are equally valued and loved. You can be that parent for your children.

[zondolit]

This is a helpful perspective.

My co-parent's FOO is full of favoritism. Overall, my co-parent is called the golden child (literally), but I've found that whatever adult child is not at home is the favored child.

Compared to my in-laws, my co-parent's favoritism is not as strong but still there.

I can see my approach (for example, pointing out that my co-parent took child A out for ice cream twice--when will he take child B out? which he then will do) might even things up on the surface but doesn't affect the underlying dynamic that I'm sure the children pick up on.

I wish there was something more I could do for my children but I will try to be reassured that my parenting of the children is enough, or at least all I can do.

[Notwendy]

I think it is the best you can do, but don't underestimate the influence of the more emotionally stable parent- which you can provide. It does mean a lot and makes a difference to your children.

[kells76]

Hi zondolit;

Just a couple of questions to make sure I'm following along:

Is Child #1, who is being left out, your oldest?
Can you remind me of your kids' ages again (if you are comfortable with sharing)?
Are your oldest two still in counseling? And did your youngest start after the divorce?

...

It is painful to watch the hurtful favoritism that can happen when the kids are with the disordered parent. We've been through that before, too.

It is really hard to find a way to thread the needle on how to address it effectively. Your goal is probably for Child #1 to be equally included, right?

However, any "callout" of their dad's behavior and/or his family's behavior was, as you found, met with denial and defensiveness -- there cannot possibly be any problem with how they are treating the kids; in fact, they are loving and nurturing, and you are the problem for interfering. "The kids told me they liked it this way" or "They told me they don't like your approach to crafts at your house" or "I already had a heart-to-heart with the kids, and they were able to be honest with me that this was what they wanted -- they don't feel safe being open with you about what they really want" would all be responses I'd expect in our situation.

There are a couple of approaches you could think about, either besides or in addition to an email.

One is working with Child #1 directly -- have whatever conversation your child is up for and see if you can either problem-solve with that child ahead of time or in the middle of things. Ahead of time might look like: you already know that Child #1 will be "neglected" there, so you send Child #1 with nice fabric and thread. In the middle of things might look like: you listen to and validate Child #1 on the phone, and brainstorm together things Child #1 can do that are enjoyable while she waits. Maybe there is a special book she can read, or something relaxing she can do, to do something nice for herself to make it through that situation.

The email is tricky. If I had hopes that it'd change how the other parent behaved, or that it'd make things better for a kid, I'd likely be disappointed. I think for an email like that to work for me, I'd have to frame it to myself as -- I'm writing this for my own integrity, and no matter what happens, in order for me to reflect on my actions and priorities with pride, I need to send this, no matter the outcome.

I think our situation has more manipulation and inappropriate "bringing kids into adult conversations" than yours? That's where things would differ for me; I would expect that the kids' mom would show the kids that email and rope them into affirming "No Mom, you're a great mom, you didn't do anything wrong, I actually hate it at Dad's, in fact you're the fair one and he's so unfair".

If I'm reading your history correctly, your kids have a little more ability to withstand that kind of stuff from Dad, and he also isn't as overtly and incessantly manipulative of them and their relationship with you?

Overall, it could make sense to send an email for your own records and integrity. It's also worth considering that it may have no impact or the opposite impact that you'd hoped for, and that even though short-term she may be hurt and excluded, it may be more effective and supportive to work with your kiddo one on one to validate, reflect, problem-solve, and listen (vs trying to problem solve by explaining things to her dad).

Really difficult and hurtful situation -- and ultimately, I think we're on the same page as your reflection here:

I can see my approach (for example, pointing out that my co-parent took child A out for ice cream twice--when will he take child B out? which he then will do) might even things up on the surface but doesn't affect the underlying dynamic that I'm sure the children pick up on.

I wish there was something more I could do for my children but I will try to be reassured that my parenting of the children is enough, or at least all I can do.

 

[zondolit]

kells,

Yes, child 1 is the oldest.

Last year, child 1 and child 2 were in counseling. Post-divorce, all three were offered counseling but child 1 is not (yet) interested.

I promised myself I would speak up when the children's paternal grandparents show favoritism and body shame them. So, yes, it is partly for myself that I wrote the email regardless of the response. In the past, it does seem to have helped somewhat when I spoke up, usually through my husband, who couldn't deny there was a problem and would confront his parents. Then the grandparents would watch their behavior for a while.

My husband is far more subtle and savvy than his parents, though I've come to believe his dysfunction runs just as deep--and in a sense is worse because he is so adept at hiding it from others and himself. He also favors child 2 (and maybe increasingly child 3, as the youngest and most impressionable). Instead of addressing the favoritism head-on, I would simply point out that he'd, say, taken child 2 out biking three times. It was time to invite child 1. He would usually comply. I know it didn't address the underlying favoritism, but I felt I had to say something. I treated it almost like a learning disability: he couldn't help himself from extending opportunities to only one child. I'd simply point out the discrepancy with as little judgement as possible on my part and he would then try to invite the other children.

In general, and from the children's point of view, the issue is not so much their grandparents, favoritism, and sewing projects but their dad: he is self-pitying, angry, passive aggressive, and prone to breakdowns, all words they've used to describe him this week. The good news is 1) the older children can accurately describe what they see and the younger one listens to them, 2) they come to me to share and seek solace, and 3) child 2 tells me my advice on working with her dad sounds like something her counselor would say, which I told her is a great compliment. I have been through everything they are experiencing so I feel validated, I can validate them, and I can try to coach them (it's so much easier to give advice from a distance!). The bad news is they have increasingly become targets as my co-parent's access to me is so limited by the separation and pending divorce. And child 3, usually a very affectionate child who freely gives me cuddles and tells me she loves me, was unable to respond over the phone when I said I missed her and loved her. I suspect her discomfort with me saying I love and miss her is temporary, but it still saddens me.