The unacknowledged hurt the BPD inflicted on you

[capecodling]

I am 2 months post-breakup and almost 1 month NC.   I went NC a month ago because I finally decided I'd had enough of her endless recycle attempts and blocked her on *everything*.

By all accounts, I'm doing pretty well now.   I have large spaces of time every day where I feel completely over my ex, I have been able to go out into the world and enjoy myself again.  I go to the gym.  I socialize with friends.   I do activities.   I've even been on a few dates, which I was able to enjoy quite a bit.   I can feel my old self coming back.   

And yet, and yet... Some troubling signs remain that I might be sugarcoating the whole thing and not acknowledging the harm and damage I took on from 1.5 years with my BPDex.   One sign of this is that it is still hard to get going in the mornings.   I have an exhaustive list of things I do to jumpstart myself each day, such as: breath-work, meditation, EFT, cold showers, exercises, supplements, cord-cutting, etc, etc ... it seems like it takes a massive amount of energy to get going each day.

I wonder if this sluggishness in the mornings might be because I have not fully acknowledged the wound inflicted on me by the relationship with my BPDex.   Like some sort of defense mechanism in me doesn't want me to feel all the pain at once because it would be too much.   Does anyone else have thoughts on this?  Was there a way to just go into the full pain and start to feel it (and dissolve it) or did anyone else go through a process like this?

[UnbalancedForce]

I find I am like this...

www.givelivehug.com/grief-memes.html



Dude, not gonna lie, it gets worse before it gets better. Just keep doing you! I find the more I look back on it the more it doesn't make sense. I wish I had blocked earlier like you as the 6 months following and the smear campaign kept me tortured like a rat in a lab. Introspection is ok, but I wouldn't look into how you reacted or what you are doing too much if you have had healthy relationships in the past. You just dealt with a disordered tornado cluster "B"omb. I was dumbfounded by how my brain was changed in such a short amount of time. The sluggishness for me is the dissipation of the F.O.G. She planted this into your brain like the Harlow's Pit of Despair:

https://www.iflscience.com/the-pit-of-despair-was-one-of-the-most-unethical-experiments-of-modern-science-60408

Make sure you are untangled which it appears you are and let time do its thing.

[capecodling]

Its a storm, exactly like what you said.   Sometimes I didn't even know what happened, I found myself acting so out of character and tolerating behavior I couldn't believe I was tolerating, nor had I been willing to tolerate before.   I think once you are trauma bonded to a BPD partner, the trauma bond itself wants to preserve itself, so when something objectionable happens, it gives you reasons to "wait and see" or "let's not speak up this time" and then suddenly you've tolerated something you would have never tolerated before.    I think that's what you were referencing when you said how you were surprised how quickly you saw your own brain starting to change under the influence of a BPD.

One encouraging sign I've noticed recently is that my sleep has started to come back.   I've slept all the way through a few nights without waking up and have been getting 7-8+ hours per night.   The whole time I was with her my sleep suffered, a lot of 5-6 hour nights, with tossing and turning and getting up all the time, even with sleep supplements.   So it was 1.5 years of lousy sleep being with her, another common thread I've noticed with BPD relationships, sleep, health, finances, friendships, all start to fall apart.   Its part of the process of being infected by the BPD energy.

[bluebutterflies]

My sleep also suffered when I was with my ex-H. I would either not be able to fall asleep until 4am, or just sleep until 12pm the next day and not want to wake up. So glad you're able to sleep better now, I am too!

Healing is hard. I'm 4 months post-divorce and it's been going okay, but the last week has been a lot of crying and processing. Right now I can't do much that reminds me of my ex, so I put a lot of things in a box and un-subscribed myself from emails and etc that I've associated with him. It's hard, but it's exciting to turn over a new leaf. You'll get there, I hope I do as well! I guess I walk around daily wondering what other people are going through, its kinda wild to know that there's other people like us who have gone through the same thing but have to put on a face while grocery shopping, pretending we're okay <3

[Collaguazo]

I wonder if this sluggishness in the mornings might be because I have not fully acknowledged the wound inflicted on me by the relationship with my BPDex.   Like some sort of defense mechanism in me doesn't want me to feel all the pain at once because it would be too much.   Does anyone else have thoughts on this?  Was there a way to just go into the full pain and start to feel it (and dissolve it) or did anyone else go through a process like this?

I am in the same place right now. Sometimes the pain is so much that I want all my memories with my BPDex erased. I got nothing positive out of the relationship.

However, I don’t want this bad experience to poison me and any future relationships so I am working on primarily forgiving myself for tolerating the abuse for so long and just letting all the conflicting feelings flow. I have spend days crying in anger, frustration, nostalgia, shame and feeling lonely. It has been helpful.

I also spoke with my psychiatrist and he said two things that helped me:

1) Be grateful you escaped the relationship relative unharmed. It could have been a lot worse. The pain you are feeling now is normal so don’t fight it. It will go away in time.

2) BPDs have their love manual written in their own language so stop trying to make sense of it. You were given an incomplete script that she expected you to follow exactly but what can you do If you get to page 3 and everything is blank? No matter how much you try, it will be wrong.

[capecodling]

My sleep also suffered when I was with my ex-H. I would either not be able to fall asleep until 4am, or just sleep until 12pm the next day and not want to wake up. So glad you're able to sleep better now, I am too!

Healing is hard. I'm 4 months post-divorce and it's been going okay, but the last week has been a lot of crying and processing. Right now I can't do much that reminds me of my ex, so I put a lot of things in a box and un-subscribed myself from emails and etc that I've associated with him. It's hard, but it's exciting to turn over a new leaf. You'll get there, I hope I do as well! I guess I walk around daily wondering what other people are going through, its kinda wild to know that there's other people like us who have gone through the same thing but have to put on a face while grocery shopping, pretending we're okay <3

Glad your sleep is better.   We process a lot of trauma in our sleep, which is why this is such an important thing.   Once you get your sleep back, even if you do nothing else aside from remain no-contact, your mind will start slowly processing and healing the trauma.    So you can chalk that up to a win right away!

I agree with things that remind you of the person, just put them in a box and deal with them later.   I assume you are speaking literally, not metaphorically?   I ask because its important, I think, to just sit with those emotions and see if you can accept them.   I also believe a similar process works for processing our unintegrated trauma --- the thing that caused us to seek relationships with these emotionally unavailable BPDs and also what causes our bonds to them to hold on, even once we recognize there is no possible future with this person.

Sounds like you are doing great overall, and having a tough streak like you did, full of tears, crying is a great way to purge a lot of the negative emotions that built up from all your time with a BPD so even that's helping you too.

[capecodling]

I also spoke with my psychiatrist and he said two things that helped me:

1) Be grateful you escaped the relationship relative unharmed. It could have been a lot worse. The pain you are feeling now is normal so don’t fight it. It will go away in time.

2) BPDs have their love manual written in their own language so stop trying to make sense of it. You were given an incomplete script that she expected you to follow exactly but what can you do If you get to page 3 and everything is blank? No matter how much you try, it will be wrong.

These are both excellent points.   If you still have your health, then you haven't lost arguably the single most important thing you can lose in this lifetime.   With your health still intact, you can put anything else back together, provided one does not get back together with the BPD.   Even deep emotional wounding can be overcome from a place of good health.

I know exactly what you mean by item 2), I went back to the final recycle knowing everything I no now about BPD, and within 6 weeks it was exactly the same outcome as every other time, only worse.   She was operating from a different script and set of rules that seemed to change constantly, and made less and less sense over time.   

Its funny, for the final recycle I introduced some extra protection measures, including: 2 hours of daily meditation, daily gym workouts, daily breath-work, wim hof breathing, cold showers, practicing the power of now ----- and within a few short weeks even those weren't enough to protect me from the insanity of the relationship with the BPD.   I was the same emotional trainwreck as every other time, despite working harder than I ever have at anything to remain grounded and present. 

This is not meant at all to be a humble-brag at all: one thing a lot of people who know me say is that I'm a very confident individual.  I am absolutely fearless in social situations (including dating, parties, etc) and have always been perceived by others as unusually sure-of-myself and grounded ------ and yet a short relationship with a BPD turned me into a shaky, self-conscious, mess.  It goes to show you, being with a BPD, you truly can't win.

[Collaguazo]

Its funny, for the final recycle I introduced some extra protection measures, including: 2 hours of daily meditation, daily gym workouts, daily breath-work, wim hof breathing, cold showers, practicing the power of now ----- and within a few short weeks even those weren't enough to protect me from the insanity of the relationship with the BPD.   I was the same emotional trainwreck as every other time, despite working harder than I ever have at anything to remain grounded and present. 

This is not meant at all to be a humble-brag at all: one thing a lot of people who know me say is that I'm a very confident individual.  I am absolutely fearless in social situations (including dating, parties, etc) and have always been perceived by others as unusually sure-of-myself and grounded ------ and yet a short relationship with a BPD turned me into a shaky, self-conscious, mess.  It goes to show you, being with a BPD, you truly can't win.

Wow those are indeed some strong protection measures but yet they were not enough.

Thanks for sharing capecodling, today I received an out of the blue email from my ex telling me that she is now finally letting me go, that I am a coward for cutting all contact and that she regrets apologizing in a previous email, that everything is my fault.

At first I thought she was playing some mind games but turns out 2 previous emails went directly to spam. The first one was indeed her apologizing for her behavior and saying that the relationship was special. The second said that she missed me and wanted me back. But in classic BPD she demanded an answer in 2 days otherwise my chance is gone, hence that last email. Thank goodness I missed the first two because then I was really struggling and for sure I would have gone back with her.

Nevertheless, today I have been pondering contacting her and what protection measures I could use but reading about your experience has been eye opening and gave me the strength to keep NC

Thanks again capecodling for sharing and thanks for this forum for giving all the tools for managing the detachment process.

[Matty]

This is so completely true. When I was care taking her, I lost all confidence, all interest in anything else, thought about retiring early to a cabin the woods, couldn’t enjoy anything because my world had become such a constant whirlwind of WTF is she going to do next and how can I help her? I almost entirely lost myself and it was only because of close family and friends (and in these crisis you learn who your real friends are) that I was able recover at all.

I know she is suffering, I know that she was sexually abused as a child but you can also protect yourself while helping in the only way you can with out getting yourself hurt again.

Fortunately she could not do all the damaged she wanted to do to me. I put up a note on my fridge and at my desk: its fortunate it ended this way, be grateful for that as it could have been far, far worst.

[capecodling]

Thanks for sharing capecodling, today I received an out of the blue email from my ex telling me that she is now finally letting me go, that I am a coward for cutting all contact and that she regrets apologizing in a previous email, that everything is my fault.

At first I thought she was playing some mind games but turns out 2 previous emails went directly to spam. The first one was indeed her apologizing for her behavior and saying that the relationship was special. The second said that she missed me and wanted me back. But in classic BPD she demanded an answer in 2 days otherwise my chance is gone, hence that last email. Thank goodness I missed the first two because then I was really struggling and for sure I would have gone back with her.

In the final breakup, I had a similar, almost identical experience to this.  The only difference was that I deliberately was sending her emails to spam having blocked her intentionally. 

I later made the mistake of checking my spam folder, and the messages followed a similar pattern — they went from declaring her undying love to basically saying she was done forever and that she never loved me.

She made it seem like she had uncovered new information about me, like my response — I responded to one of her messages essentially denying her request to see her — meant she never really knew me.

I was at the point of not even wanting to try to understand her BPD logic, I just deleted all of the messages and every other email, photo, text, etc she ever sent me, realizing any interaction (even if its her love bombing me and wanting to get back together again) will just cause more pain and endanger my health.

If you’re still struggling with the idea that you can never talk again to this person you once loved passionately,  you can make a deal with yourself, this helped me:

1) I’m not allowed to read any messages from her until my reactivity to her is all the way down to a 0 out of 10, in other words, total indifference.

2) If I still want to contact her despite rule #1, I’m not allowed to unless my overall emotional state / happiness in that moment is at least an 8 out of 10.  I found this got me through the initial weeks because when I was an 8+ / 10 in terms of happiness I didn’t want to reach out to her.  It was only when I was lonely and depressed that I really longed for her.

[capecodling]

This is so completely true. When I was care taking her, I lost all confidence, all interest in anything else, thought about retiring early to a cabin the woods, couldn’t enjoy anything because my world had become such a constant whirlwind of WTF is she going to do next and how can I help her? I almost entirely lost myself and it was only because of close family and friends (and in these crisis you learn who your real friends are) that I was able recover at all.

I know she is suffering, I know that she was sexually abused as a child but you can also protect yourself while helping in the only way you can with out getting yourself hurt again.

Fortunately she could not do all the damaged she wanted to do to me. I put up a note on my fridge and at my desk: its fortunate it ended this way, be grateful for that as it could have been far, far worst.

Yes, I know what you mean, I’ve had the “fortune” of having 3 different relationships with BPDs, two of them were diagnosed by professionals, and they all followed this pattern where I lost myself in their constant whirlwind of problems.  When I say I was “fortunate”  to have these prior BPD relationships, I’m partially not joking because each one has helped me to better cope with the horrendous pain that comes post breakup with a BPD.  My second breakup was a true nightmare, I was in 10/10 emotional pain for around 6 weeks and the pain didn’t fully disappear until around the 2 year mark, but I didn’t understand BPD until this most recent breakup, and my coping mechanisms were not healthy, that’s why the recovery took so long.  I know there won’t be another borderline in my life now that I understand what it is and have learned about trauma bonds.

I think as you saw, there are so many common themes to those relationships you will find on these message boards, it can help ground you to the base of knowledge about BPD and that you certainly made the right decision to leave.  On many of the messages I’ve noticed remarkable similarities to what I experienced with my BPDex.

I know it can be discouraging to look around these message boards and see so much hurt and pain everywhere, and see people who are still grieving their BPD-ex after months or even years — although normally those still grieving after years have been in contact or on social media checking up on their ex.  

Its important to remember that those who make a full recovery, the majority, then move on with their lives and don’t need to come back to these message boards, so we are selecting largely here for a demographic who is still in pain.

[Collaguazo]

I am having a hard time right now. I think my exBPD did more damage of what I initially thought.

I keep relieving all the instances of abuse and how worthless she made me feel, that I am getting more resentful and angrier with her.

I have been thinking of responding one of her emails and just let it all out, but I am not sure if that’s gonna help in my healing process or what exactly to expect from her.

What are your thoughts?

[jaded7]

I am having a hard time right now. I think my exBPD did more damage of what I initially thought.

I keep relieving all the instances of abuse and how worthless she made me feel, that I am getting more resentful and angrier with her.

I have been thinking of responding one of her emails and just let it all out, but I am not sure if that’s gonna help in my healing process or what exactly to expect from her.

What are your thoughts?

Anger is good. It is your authentic self asserting itself and declaring that how you were treated was _____________. (unkind, abusive, harsh, mean, disrespectful). It might also be you being mad at yourself for tolerating all of this, which many here can relate to. In general, I think anger is a good sign. I myself, 3 years out, still can't summon anger. I'm still in the self-blame and self-hatred, wishing I would have done things differently, wanting to 'take care' of her, feeling I failed.

Re: the letter...I don't know. Some will say that it will do absolutely no good whatsoever, others will tell you it could actually hurt you in the long run because they will twist what you say, how you said it, into something it's not. And then call you the unstable one, the abuser. And tell everyone about you on social media. I've seen it here many times before.

In my case, I distinctly remember in our phone conversation, the last we had, when I tried to explain to her that she accuses me of and yells at me for things SHE actually does, when I explained that NO we didn't talk about this thing, NO we never made that plan, NO you never said that, NO I never did that...I recall thinking "whatever I say she deflects, denies, makes up things out of whole cloth, diverts from the truthful things I'm saying (and much more)...I'm not going to even try. This is a complete waste of time and effort."

So I quit. I just said "ok". I distinctly remember thinking "this person is mentally unstable and I cannot have a rational conversation with her".

Maybe writing it out and NOT sending it is a good therapeutic exercise, but I'm no therapist.

[UnbalancedForce]

I know you are hurting. Don't send it. I did and it lets them know you are hurting but not in a good way. They like to know you are in pain like them. If it is positive or negative reinforcement it does not matter. It soothes them nonetheless. The manipulation and charming are unbearable. They will use it against you in either a smear campaign or when they come back around right when you are feeling better. I am at 6 months NC with charming every few weeks intensely. It DOES get better. Just keep doing the work and focus on why you got with someone like this. There is some internal work we all can do. Ride the waves and keep this about you and not about her. She is like a parasite in your brain. You are enmeshed right now. She projected these traits onto you. Anger is great, it is in the stages of grief. Once you stop feeling sorry like you have and get angry is when you can start letting go and push her out of your mind. Eventually you will pity her and you will awaken from the rubble a changed man. Scarred yes, but you will fight your inner demons, she sadly will not.   

[Collaguazo]

Thanks for your comments

I decided not to send it. (Perhaps just writing it could be therapeutic) She will use it against me and most likely respond saying more vile and hurtful things.

[capecodling]

  I myself, 3 years out, still can't summon anger. I'm still in the self-blame and self-hatred, wishing I would have done things differently, wanting to 'take care' of her, feeling I failed.

Wow, 3 years is a long time to be stuck in those earlier phases of self blame, second guessing, thinking you were the whole problem.  I can remember spending several months in that state and it was the most painful and felt like the healing went the slowest too.   You seem quite aware that you were gaslit and abused on other threads I’ve seen you write.  Do you know why you have been stuck this way for so long?

[capecodling]

I know you are hurting. Don't send it. I did and it lets them know you are hurting but not in a good way. They like to know you are in pain like them. If it is positive or negative reinforcement it does not matter. It soothes them nonetheless. The manipulation and charming are unbearable. They will use it against you in either a smear campaign or when they come back around right when you are feeling better. I am at 6 months NC with charming every few weeks intensely. It DOES get better. Just keep doing the work and focus on why you got with someone like this. There is some internal work we all can do. Ride the waves and keep this about you and not about her. She is like a parasite in your brain. You are enmeshed right now. She projected these traits onto you. Anger is great, it is in the stages of grief. Once you stop feeling sorry like you have and get angry is when you can start letting go and push her out of your mind. Eventually you will pity her and you will awaken from the rubble a changed man. Scarred yes, but you will fight your inner demons, she sadly will not.   

Agree with absolutely everything here.  Once you get to anger you are less susceptible to charming and manipulations because now you are starting to see them for what they really are, you might still have moments of weakness and self blame, but that is largely gone and replaced with the emotion of anger, which is actually much more empowering and directs your healing and momentum away from the pwBPD.

Even beyond anger there is an acceptance that all the so-called “terrible” things they did to you weren’t really even about you. They would have done those things to anybody in your position, that person is mentally ill, and like a wounded tiger, if you get close to try to help them, you are going to get mauled because that person is in pain.

[capecodling]

I am having a hard time right now. I think my exBPD did more damage of what I initially thought.

I keep relieving all the instances of abuse and how worthless she made me feel, that I am getting more resentful and angrier with her.

I have been thinking of responding one of her emails and just let it all out, but I am not sure if that’s gonna help in my healing process or what exactly to expect from her.

What are your thoughts?

The tragic thing is that her elaborate defense mechanisms won’t allow her to take in the letter, even if you did send it to her.   I would write the letter (by hand) put everything you’ve wanted to say to her in it, then burn it and try to envision her reading it.   But don’t send it to her, it just gives the BPD more leverage to push you back into self doubt.  She’s so terrified of abandonment that, in her mind, she feels completely 100% justified in convincing you that you imagined everything, even though she knows she is the one who is lying.  So if you communicate with her — in any form — she will use that as leverage to move you backwards from anger back to self-doubt and self-blame.  It makes sense because when you are in self-doubt you are far easier for the pwBPD to manipulate.  In anger it is harder for them to control you.  So their illness wants you where it can control you the easiest..   As others have said, anger is a GOOD place to be and shows you are healing, but I would suggest you use that anger to direct you away from her and further along in your healing process.

[jaded7]

Wow, 3 years is a long time to be stuck in those earlier phases of self blame, second guessing, thinking you were the whole problem.  I can remember spending several months in that state and it was the most painful and felt like the healing went the slowest too.   You seem quite aware that you were gaslit and abused on other threads I’ve seen you write.  Do you know why you have been stuck this way for so long?

Capecodling...yes, it is a long time. It feels like a long time- constant rumination and 'missing' her. Aching for her, really.

And yes, I do have a huge sense of understanding as you can see in the threads (thank you for reading them and commenting).

I've been stuck because of my childhood sexual abuse, and the non-attachment I experienced as a child. These two things, combined, in me made me very leery of relationships my whole life. I spent much of my life not believing in love, and keeping to myself like I don't 'need' anyone. This started when I was kid, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it is painful to need someone and they don't see you, it's painful to want to be loved for who you are and not getting it, it's painful to feel like you are 'wrong' and not good.

At 5 years old, I remember telling my Mom that I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask for any of this. It was you who brought me into this world, and I can't help who I am. This came from me feeling wrong and bad all the time, not being seen. And, I wasn't a bad kid, at all. I was a very good kid, in fact, it's just that my Mom could not accept me for who I was and tried to change me. She even had some fear of me since I so closely resembled her Dad, who she had a very troubled relationship with since he was an alcoholic and disappeared from the home a lot when she was young. Then he's show up with gifts and love, then a couple a weeks later disappear again. This caused huge turmoil and stress in the family, and I'm sure huge confusion for her.

So when I trust and really allow myself to love someone, and have a physical relationship with them (which I almost never do- she was the first person I dated in 10 years), I become very open and vulnerable. I assume when the person says she loves me that she loves me for who I am.

So when the criticism and name calling and belittling and gaslighting and yelling come into the relationship, I'm really unprepared and don't know how to respond- my brain kinda immediately goes to I've done something really, really wrong and bad.

Coupled with my vulnerability in being physical with this person, I'm really in a stuck state.

So yes, it's a long time because I was really attached to her- emotionally and physically. Two parts of me that I have tried so long to protect, and made available to her.

[capecodling]

So when the criticism and name calling and belittling and gaslighting and yelling come into the relationship, I'm really unprepared and don't know how to respond- my brain kinda immediately goes to I've done something really, really wrong and bad.

Yes, I can see now why you’re stuck for such a long time in those early stages of guilt / self-blame / shame unable to move on to things like anger — because your core wound from your father’s behavior IS feeling responsible (and I would imagine hyper-vigilant and unable to express anger.). The inability to express anger could be something like: a fear that doing so would cause your father to disappear again.

Are you looking for advice on things to try or just venting?  I’m a rather extreme dude, so in a position like yours I would take extreme measures, but that’s not for everyone.  Also, it does sound like your condition is rather extreme, given how much you have avoided relationships prior to this BPDex which you had.  So I think you came into it with an unusually heavy trauma burden, which is like a buffet of emotional trauma and drama for the BPD to feed on.  As a side note, I don’t think it is the BPD doing these things consciously, I think their illness takes on a life of its own, becomes sort of a living entity that feeds off pressing your buttons.

[capecodling]

I've been stuck because of my childhood sexual abuse, and the non-attachment I experienced as a child. These two things, combined, in me made me very leery of relationships my whole life. I spent much of my life not believing in love, and keeping to myself like I don't 'need' anyone. This started when I was kid, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it is painful to need someone and they don't see you, it's painful to want to be loved for who you are and not getting it, it's painful to feel like you are 'wrong' and not good.

To level-set a bit more, in the stages of grief — the 7 stage model seems to fit BPD breakups the best — you are stuck in stage 2) pain and guilt due to the nature of your early wounding:

1) shock and denial
2) pain and guilt
3) anger and bargaining
4) depression
5) the upward turn
6) reconstruction and working through
7) acceptance and hope

I was looking over some examples from Healthline and I’m actually more in the depression stage than in anger, though its possible to revisit earlier stages even after you’ve mostly moved past them:

Shock and denial: “She absolutely wouldn’t do this to me. She’ll realize she’s wrong and be back here tomorrow.”

Pain and guilt: “How could she do this to me? How selfish is she? How did I mess this up?”

Anger and bargaining: “If she’ll give me another chance, I’ll be a better boyfriend. I’ll dote on her and give her everything she asks.”

Depression: “I’ll never have another relationship. I’m doomed to fail everyone.”

The upward turn: “The end was hard, but there could be a place in the future where I could see myself in another relationship.”

Reconstruction and working through: “I need to evaluate that relationship and learn from my mistakes.”

Acceptance and hope: “I have a lot to offer another person. I just have to meet them.”

[jaded7]

To level-set a bit more, in the stages of grief — the 7 stage model seems to fit BPD breakups the best — you are stuck in stage 2) pain and guilt due to the nature of your early wounding:

1) shock and denial
2) pain and guilt
3) anger and bargaining
4) depression
5) the upward turn
6) reconstruction and working through
7) acceptance and hope

I was looking over some examples from Healthline and I’m actually more in the depression stage than in anger, though its possible to revisit earlier stages even after you’ve mostly moved past them:

Shock and denial: “She absolutely wouldn’t do this to me. She’ll realize she’s wrong and be back here tomorrow.”

Pain and guilt: “How could she do this to me? How selfish is she? How did I mess this up?”

Anger and bargaining: “If she’ll give me another chance, I’ll be a better boyfriend. I’ll dote on her and give her everything she asks.”

Depression: “I’ll never have another relationship. I’m doomed to fail everyone.”

The upward turn: “The end was hard, but there could be a place in the future where I could see myself in another relationship.”

Reconstruction and working through: “I need to evaluate that relationship and learn from my mistakes.”

Acceptance and hope: “I have a lot to offer another person. I just have to meet them.”

This is very useful, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out.

Yes, as you say in the post before this one, I was really stuck in the idea that if she says I did something wrong, I must have. If she's mad at me, I did something to deserve being treated poorly, and on and on...this was my mental state, a core wound as you say.

Note: it was my Mother who didn't accept me as I was, who tried to change me, who was afraid of vulnerability, etc. SHE was this way because of her father, who was the alcoholic.

My mother admitted to this later, when I was in my 20s, she told me "I tried to make you into someone you weren't, and that caused a lot of problems" We were constantly at odds, and I couldn't figure out WHY...what have I done wrong, what was I supposed to be doing that I didn't do? I ended up believing who I am is just WRONG.

Then, the sexual abuse by a priest. Which carries its own problems.

Then this partner, who in retrospect was shockingly like my Mom.

Thank you again for writing this out, I'll be studying it today. I hope it's helpful to you too.

For anyone reading, I found a really good pair of podcasts on Emotionally Immature People. The podcast is The 10% Happier podcast and the two episodes feature Dr. Lindsay Gibson. There are two of them, and she really gets into the dynamics of having emotionally immature parents and partners, their behaviors, how to handle them, etc.

[Concerned_4_kids]

One sign of this is that it is still hard to get going in the mornings.   I have an exhaustive list of things I do to jumpstart myself each day, such as: breath-work, meditation, EFT, cold showers, exercises, supplements, cord-cutting, etc, etc ... it seems like it takes a massive amount of energy to get going each day.

I wonder if this sluggishness in the mornings might be because I have not fully acknowledged the wound inflicted on me by the relationship with my BPDex. 

I see that others have made some excellent points so I will not try to cover territory already covered but as a person who left my undiagnosed BPD wife after 15 years - 2 years after leaving her my energy and confidence pre-her have not returned. Same as you I have adopted all sorts of interventions (exercise, meditation, breathing, showers) but I am still having issues working and not falling asleep. And I have working on this with my psychiatrist, therapist etc.

This has been debilitating for me. I almost can't recognize myself. This person is looking for SUPPLY https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202108/the-concept-narcissistic-supply of any kind. Going forward, not looking back is the only way I was able to move on. Still to this day she uses tactics to draw me in, attacking friends, coworkers, family members, using our kids ---- not a way to live. Its hard enough to repair one's self.

[Azrael]

  I read this post, as is as if we are all talking about the same person. For those of you who are suffering in blaming yourselves, understand that you were not facing a small thing. I had studied psychology in college, but not as a profession, and even having knowledge, at the moment I went into this person, I was not prepared for the atomic bomb I was getting into. All that you have described and more. The cycles of lies, accusations, changing and twisting was what said or in text to create a distortion( their own twisted reality). When I saw how bad this was, I went back into my old books, etc and did a refresher, and everything was there. I did not want to believe it, bc I actually loved her.
  Here is the thing. The pwBPD is not in love. It is in impulse, of what they "think" is love. And since they suffer from hypersensitivity, they "feel" things 100 times more than a normal person, and can not come back to neutral. That is called dysregulation. In this initial impulsive stage, they made us think they love us more than anyone in the word, but it was never truth. Is the same impulse they feel for about anything. Then the next bend, it will be from "you are the most wonderful man in the world" to " I dont love you and you are the worst". Etc.
 These people are projecting their failed relations with their parents in us, then trying to get revenge against those parents but in US. They think this time they will rewrite the history with US being the abuser that this time fail to abuse, and they get their revenge. They will always be victims.
 I found a resource, an essay written to explain to psychologists how to deal with BPD patients. When I read it, it was like describing word by word, behavior by behavior, sentence by sentence the person I was with. I will share the link here, and hope it helps someone. It goes to say to therapists, that BPD is so so aggresive and difficult, that even a therapist could get to experience suicidal thoughts by treating one of these patients and getting emotionally attached to them. So, if they can do this to therapists that are supposed to be prepared for this, imagine the common person. I read somwhere else, that people that have been in a relation with a BPD, can experience PTSD, which is what I think some of us are going through. I read about one of you guys still feeling you have not get to the energy level you had previous the BPD. I can tell you this is TOTALLY truth. IT is like being in a very bad car accident. The energy both physically and mentally takes long to come back. Is depression. I remember I was getting into the best physical shape of my life when I met that sick person, and in everything, I was putting the effort in me, and seeing the results. But with her, it was agony, all the time. At one point I told her I felt I was on a downward spiral of health, and that I felt I would not make it, and probably even die( bc of some conditions I already had), and she was like nothing. NO empathy, no real worry. She even would say that she knew how much I was hurting( after cheating one me) but she in her talionic response, was actually ENJOYING it, without saying a word about it. But when I went deep into the books and experiences of others, and patient cases, I could clearly see, that they INDEED ENJOY the process of hurting us, and that they hurt us CONSCIOUSLY. One of the behavior patterns ideas of their mind is " I WANT HIM TO EXPERIENCE THE SAME PAIN OR WORST THAT I AM FEELING", but of course, that pain is generated by their distortions or twisted ideas of reality that normally are not even happening. BPD people can be said mostly to be "malignant", in the sense that what they do and how they react is based on rage all the time, and in revenge. That is their fuel. I will leave this link here, and feel free to comment back how this helps you. BPDs are energy sponges, resource sponges, and they can make us react in anger and they bring all that anger and put it in US. Is like getting loaded with someone else trash. Is really getting poisoned, bc these people are completely toxic, even as in their "3 seconds" of good behavior , they can actually be sincere and seem nice( which is only a tactic to collect more information about us to make more damage, and to try to connect and restart the relationship cycle).


https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/tag/talionic-revenge/

[Azrael]

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/tag/talionic-revenge/

[capecodling]

I see that others have made some excellent points so I will not try to cover territory already covered but as a person who left my undiagnosed BPD wife after 15 years - 2 years after leaving her my energy and confidence pre-her have not returned. Same as you I have adopted all sorts of interventions (exercise, meditation, breathing, showers) but I am still having issues working and not falling asleep. And I have working on this with my psychiatrist, therapist etc.

This has been debilitating for me. I almost can't recognize myself. This person is looking for SUPPLY https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202108/the-concept-narcissistic-supply of any kind. Going forward, not looking back is the only way I was able to move on. Still to this day she uses tactics to draw me in, attacking friends, coworkers, family members, using our kids ---- not a way to live. Its hard enough to repair one's self.

wow, i'm sorry that you continue to struggle all of this time later.   it sounds like she still has ways of keeping her hooks in you given all the ways you cited above that she has drawn you back in.  every time they draw you back it, it seems to reset the clock on the healing.   its like you have to go all the way back to the beginning and start over again.   that's the hardest thing about detaching after the relationship, whatever is driving them loves to reopen the old wounds and feed off your pain and suffering all over again.  in your case, is no contact a possibility?

[capecodling]

I found a resource, an essay written to explain to psychologists how to deal with BPD patients. When I read it, it was like describing word by word, behavior by behavior, sentence by sentence the person I was with. I will share the link here, and hope it helps someone. It goes to say to therapists, that BPD is so so aggresive and difficult, that even a therapist could get to experience suicidal thoughts by treating one of these patients and getting emotionally attached to them.

one of my favorite things about your post was how it reminded me that i am not the crazy one.   i struggled a lot with the earlier on in the breakup cycle with my ex --- why for the first time in my life did i feel like i was the one with all the problems and she had no blame?   i think that was part of the healing process to realize that all that went wrong with our relationship was not just because of my issues.

i also really identified with the point above, how the BPD is able to infect others around them.   its the thing that always bothered me so much but i couldn't ever logically identify it -- how it felt like i was being infected by something when i was with her.   my body definitely sent me plenty of warning signs; more colds, flus, upset stomach, difficulty sleeping, lack of energy, anxiety that  i couldn't explain.  But it was too easy to write it off as i was the one with the problem.   for example, with the anxiety, which i generally don't have problems with, i thought it was just butterflies from a new relationship.   the colds and flus just seemed like a logical reaction to all the anxiety and stress i was feeling.  as did lack of sleep.   looking back now i can see that it was anything but 'new relationship butterflies' and 'regular stress.'  thank you for the reminder about that.

[Collaguazo]

Thanks for sharing the article.

This quote here caught my attention:

“As a result, BPD relationships are representational and transactional rather than egalitarian. Borderlines want the appearance of an adult relationship with the fulfillment of a parental relationship. In this sense, their concept of a relationship is pathologically immature. They’re unconsciously searching for an all-loving, all-caring, and all-giving surrogate parent.”

I believe my exBPD cared about me (in her own way) but deep down I had this feeling that it was all transactional which became more acute towards the end of the relationship. She also continuously mentioned how much she wanted an adult relationship, only to later on throw a tantrum because I called her on the phone just 1 time and she had already called me 4 times.

I am now fluctuating between the angry and depression phases but mostly depression. The need of contacting her is almost gone. I even dreamt the other day that we got back together and, for a moment, I felt happiness but it was quickly replaced by the burden of dealing with BPD.

[capecodling]

I am now fluctuating between the angry and depression phases but mostly depression. The need of contacting her is almost gone. I even dreamt the other day that we got back together and, for a moment, I felt happiness but it was quickly replaced by the burden of dealing with BPD.

This captures it exactly.  In all of the recycles it was like that, there was the initial hit of validation and love-bombing that felt good, followed by her pulling away (doing her hot and cold thing she always did, even at the very beginning when I first met her), followed by a feeling of dread that I had just made a HUGE mistake in taking her back.

[kells76]

capecodling, I'd be curious to learn more about where you're at with this:

I am 2 months post-breakup...

...And yet, and yet... Some troubling signs remain that I might be sugarcoating the whole thing and not acknowledging the harm and damage I took on from 1.5 years with my BPDex.   One sign of this is that it is still hard to get going in the mornings.   I have an exhaustive list of things I do to jumpstart myself each day, such as: breath-work, meditation, EFT, cold showers, exercises, supplements, cord-cutting, etc, etc ... it seems like it takes a massive amount of energy to get going each day.

I wonder if this sluggishness in the mornings might be because I have not fully acknowledged the wound inflicted on me by the relationship with my BPDex.   Like some sort of defense mechanism in me doesn't want me to feel all the pain at once because it would be too much.   Does anyone else have thoughts on this?  Was there a way to just go into the full pain and start to feel it (and dissolve it) or did anyone else go through a process like this?

That stood out to you two weeks ago -- would love to hear your reflections on how it's going now. Any changes? insights? It's an interesting aspect of the grief/recovery process.