Bewildered

[Bewildered4now]

Late night ramble on a very dizzying 4th of July. Im going to post this unedited, otherwise I’ll never post it.

My fiancé (who just broke up with me again about 10 minutes ago) has undiagnosed BPB. She ticks every box on the list but it took me five years to see it. And lots of childhood/adult trauma. Friends telling me something was going on, my own therapists telling me things were not okay, but I made excuses for her. After all, I’m a therapist, so I’d recognize BPB in my own partner, right? She’s also a therapist with a lot of sophistication. But I saw glimpses. First, I couldn’t figure out why my attachment style went absolutely bonkers with her. But over the last few weeks it suddenly  clicked. Me and our young daughter both are basically my fiancés (ex now I guess? Who knows) caregiver. We both unconsciously realized that the only way to be in my fiancés good graces was to tend to her. A few days ago I talked with a couple who my fiancé lived with during grad school. After talking with them about my new revelation about my fiancé having BPD, they both told me they’d known for years about her BPD.

Anyway, I feel empty and confused. Like I’ve been trapped inside a hurricane and now I suddenly find myself right in the eye of the storm. I can see the storm, but from the inside. I’m wrapped up in it. Consumed.   But it’s all around me and I can’t escape it because we have a child together and are very intertwined because we work at the same company. How did I wake up here? Me? I was always so kind m, generous, and loving. Still am. Somehow I let her fool me into believing that I was this horrible person. The cause of all her problems. Yet no one else in my whole life has ever reflected that to me, quite the opposite. I come from a kind and gentle family…but the engineering type. Methodical, but still warm. I wasn’t accustomed to this type of chaos in my fiancé. Perhaps that is what drew me in. I’ve gotta find my way to the other side of this hurricane.. Differentiate myself and rediscover me again after years of gaslighting and emotional abuse. I feel like a shard of who I used to be. But mostly I just feel heartbroken for our daughter who is at the whim of her. She has an incredibly anxious attachment to her mom.

Anyway, I have a good support system. Friends, family, therapist, and I’ve signed up for a local support group. However, if anyone has any support group recommendations, I’m all ears. I need to talk to people who really get this. I don’t want to wear my friends and family out too much. They’re lovely and I also need to find people who get it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

  Welcome to the group, glad you found us, sorry you needed us.

How long have you known or suspected that she has BPD? Does she reference it herself? The childhood trauma typically manifests as C-PTSD or BPD (or sometimes both) which have some similarities certainly. You have a child together so obviously there's not a great exit strategy, anything would be messy - wait until you have a better overview of where things stand right now. I assume you've broken up before, perhaps theatrically, or is this the first time?

Best support group, which is highly recommended here incl. by me, is the Family Connections course for caretakers of loved ones with BPD - five years into a relationship and a kid together, you'll probably fit in.

[Bewildered4now]

Thank you for the support group Rec. I’ve suspected BPD for several years, but recently she has really taken a turn. Sometimes I worry she’s beginning to experience some form of psychosis or like a developmental regression. It has been very odd to watch all of this unfold. Feels like I’m living in a hell. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.

She does not use the term BPD to describe herself…she does not see the writing on the wall. I gently confronted her that I suspect  BPD and it went as well as could beI expected. It was the cause of the latest breakup. I know that it is not a good idea to confront someone about suspecting a diagnosis like a personality disorder, not from a partner. And at the same time no one in her life will reflect this to her. And she is a mother and a mental health therapist. So she really needs to understand what is happening. So figured I’d try. Didn’t go well, and I’m worried it may be sending her into some new scary emotional place. She’s unrecognizable compared to the woman I knew three weeks ago. Some switch has been flipped. There is a lot I have not shared, of course.

She has threatened to leave dozens of times.. I honestly don’t recall if she has fully broken up with me the way she did yesterday because they all blend together. But it’s usually quite  theatrical.

[PearlsBefore]

Definitely experienced the "whoa, this is PSYCHOSIS, I only signed up for the NEUROSIS" switch - it's actually one of the areas of BPD that still doesn't make sense to me - some patients have both simmering simultaneously, and others are almost biplar in switching between the two and I"m not aware of the easy differential between them. If either of you are the reading type, there's a variety of books on BPD - some of them like "I hate you don't leave me" or "Stop walking on eggshells" or "Sometimes I act crazy" are written to be "Helpful to both the pwBPD and the caretaker"...but then end up being not as helpful as the ones written exclusively for the caretaker which can afford to be more blunt.

No shortage of people here who would recommend weighing whether the break-up is God's way of saving you from something even worse down the road if you'd remained together; think carefully before fully re-engaging.

Sorry things are a bit quiet on this thread right now, often it'll take a few days before people see new content - but I promise it's worth sticking around even if only to figure out ways to be a part of your child's life while keeping her other parent at a distance. ("Within arm's reach, but at arm's length")

[Bewildered4now]

Thank you so very much for the validation and support. She told me last night that mold is causing her to have BPD symptoms.  It sorta makes me feel crazy when other people outside of our relationship don’t see the BPD side of her. I know that is pretty common, though. She is highly educated, so people look at her in a certain way and her family comes from very low socioeconomic status and hold her in somewhat high esteem. But they are beginning to worry about her, too. But her mom 100% plays into the BPD caretaking deal.

I’m an avid reader/audio book listener. I’m just about finished with Stop Walking on Eggshells and I already have I Hate you Don’t Leave Me on the docket. Do you have book recommendations for the caretaker dynamic I participated in without knowing what I was doing it?

[kells76]

Hi Bewildered4now, I want to join alongside PearlsBefore in welcoming you to the group 

It's good to hear that you've started checking out some books about BPD. One title that we've recommended here about the "caretaker dynamic" is:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT. Take a look at the reviews in the link -- it could be helpful for your question.

-kells76

[PearlsBefore]

Understanding the BPD Mother - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0

Meltdown Moments - Children's Book https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345614.0

[Cat Familiar]

A German expression I just came across on Twitter: Strass-Engel, Haus-Teufel (Street Angel, House Devil) may very well describe BPD.

It truly is shocking when partners regress into particularly bizarre behavior. I remember as if it was yesterday when my Yale-educated attorney husband began yelling, “You hate me…this is what you want,” as he was pounding his fist into his face.

I’d never before experienced anything so crazy, and I was married previously to someone with a multitude of personality disorders—along with BPD, there was NPD and a touch of Antisocial Personality Disorder, as he frequently engaged in illegal activities as well as chose to physically vent his hostility.

But to see someone I’d previously thought was so sensitive and refined hit himself in the head repeatedly—I still am shocked…years later.

[Bewildered4now]

Cat Familiar, thank you for sharing the term Strass-Engel, Haus-Teufel. I think this term is very fitting for my situation with my pwBPD (undiagnosed). I confronted her two days ago about the way her struggles with mental health is impacting our young child and all hell broke loose. She reached out to many of her family members and  told them that I called her “crazy” (her interpretation). Now she has an army of her people out for my blood. I know the drill and am just sitting back and watching it all unfold. It’s like I’m watching a family full of small tornados turn into a hurricane. But it’ll dissipate in about 3 days. The devaluing by my pwBPD toward me has been fluctuating more rapidly.

Tonight, after getting my child to bed, my pwBPD has been expressing very intense anger toward our child because our kiddo is “too clingy” and never gives her a break. Our child is responding in a very normal, anxiously attached way to a chaotic parent. That being said, it is very hard for her and she does care dearly for our child, but goes deep into places of anger. She continued to berate her and cuss about her for about 40 minutes with a smattering of comments about how we all “suck her dry.”

I am learning the dance. To not invalidate, not caretake, and not let her berate me. I find that it is difficult for me to pickup the hidden messages behind her anger when I’m the one she is angry at. I feel very unsafe and she is quite quick whitted. This evening she oscillated from fuming anger, intense shame, tremendous resentment, crushing sadness, and horrible physical pain all in a matter about 30-40 minutes. I feel so lost and confused in all of this and I can feel my own anxious attachment cropping up in a big way.

Cat Familiar, I can very much empathize with you watching your Yale-educated husband repeatedly  hit himself. I’ve seen this on numerous occasions. I’ve got a doctorate in clinical psychology, and somehow I feel like I’m just barely starting to understand BPD. Education just wasn’t enough to really understand BPD in a non clinical context.

Today I had this resounding feeling that  “I’m waaay over my head here.” I felt depersonalized in a way I’ve only experienced one other time. It’s been a few weeks now since I really understood what was going on with her in terms of BPD. I always thought it was PTSD from her military experience. But now I really understand why my attachment system has been so anxious our entire relationship. Up until my current partner, I had never experienced perpetual anxious attachment. Even in my previous marriage, which was very difficult, I generally felt secure.

I feel so confused and alone in all of this. I’ve been so focused on caring for my pwBPD and keeping the peace in our household that I’ve lost  connections with others.although I am reaching out and seeking support. I think I want to reverse this breakup. In some ways she really is a very beautiful and tremendously caring, fun person. But I’ve also been miserable for a good portion of the past five years. Seems like when we are adventuring together, camping, running, etc things are good. But outside of that every day is a fearing inducing slog.

[Cat Familiar]

The only way I’ve figured out how to regain my equilibrium, while remaining in this relationship, is to totally let go of expectations of validation, affirmation, even understanding.

Granted, not an emotionally fulfilling thought to remain in such a relationship, but I’m so enmeshed financially and otherwise, that I have no desire to split up.

Also I can reframe it for myself as an opportunity to learn strong boundaries as well as other coping skills that allow me to fully enjoy my life, particularly in areas where he is not involved. Remaining in this relationship creates a stable platform for me to not experience other hardships, and with my new mindset, I’m able to rationalize it as enjoying him from a perspective where I’m not so emotionally invested.

I realized some time ago, after fully coming to the awareness of what it means to have a partner with a personality disorder, that my biggest issue was self-created. I was so angry/frustrated/irritated/perplexed having a partner who not only self-sabotaged, but also was seemingly disinterested in self-examination. I kept thinking that if only I could figure out a strategy, somehow we could return to that idyllic honeymoon phase. But realistically, that was never going to be possible.

What kept me in a continual state of upset was not accepting the *what is* and wishing and hoping for something different. Now that I’ve finally surrendered to reality, I’m much less encumbered, and ironically more joyful and hopeful—not that he’s ever going to change, but rather making the most of every moment and finding connection and happiness.

[waverider]

Much the same as Cat on this one. Accepting that we are no longer a "team", sadly its more like "a job" that you can emotionally switch off and come home to normal. Except it is the reverse. Work is at home and normal me time is away from home for me.

Trying to rebuild the team is futile and it dominates your entire time and leaving no room for you. Without "you time" you loose who you are. Do not dump all your drama on your fiends and family, they are part of "you time" and you just pollute it, that gives no respite.

I also know what you mean about you have to live it to know it. Even working in the field is not the same. The outlandishness of it is simply inconceivable, and the adage that if you throw enough dirt some will stick is true.

There is always the attitude from advisors that compromise will fix things. Personality disorders is one area where the "victim' is expected to meet the "abuser" halfway, as though its a regular domestic dispute. Can you imagine if a victim of any other kind of abuse was told this. If he promises not to beat you mon-fri will you let him knock the living daylights out of you on the weekends as compromise (then he ignores his half of the bargain anyway)? The number of times i have experienced health professionals take the stance of "He said/She said, so the truth is probably in the middle" leaves me gobsmacked. the truth is not even in the room

The "street angel victim" persona seems to have no trouble rounding up a posse of Avenging Flying monkeys to "have their back". They are far better at acting a victim than real victims do, its a lifetime of perfected performances. Do not compete for "supporters". This is why anyone you open up to is better to be remote from your close circle, avoids competition and pollution.

Stay safe and stay sane.

[PearlsBefore]

Accepting that we are no longer a "team", sadly its more like "a job"...Trying to rebuild the team is futile ...There is always the attitude from advisors that compromise will fix things. Personality disorders is one area where the "victim' is expected to meet the "abuser" halfway, as though its a regular domestic dispute.

I'm not a big fan of Fjelstead's 1.5 books on this, but this is one area where she excels - the idea that "normal marriage advice" is going to be counter-productive and you need to focus on what actually works when dealing with  pwBPD. In some ways it's more, in some ways it's less - but it's definitely atypical.  Axis II, Cluster B - special time.