Punched in the gut - seeking perspective gone wrong

[tina7868]

Hello! I am going to get right into the thick of it.

Why I am posting on this board specifically : I am seeking to understand the thought process behind my ex with BPD's latest response, as well as my role in triggering him. I am hoping this insight will be constructive for me as I feel a lot of hurt. I am not seeking to rekindle a romantic relationship with him.

What happened : My ex and I had been officially seperated for a couple of years. We remained in contact, as friends with benefits, until around last year when he started dating his current girlfriend. We still spoke, albeit much more sporadically and more in the realm of catching up every so often. Last year, he had said his girlfriend was uncomfortable with us talking, and I accepted that. He reinitiated contact three months later. He told me the same thing this June, and I again told him it was okay. From my perspective, the conversation ended on a friendly tone. I told him to reach out if things changed because I liked to hear from him.

I myself had been making strides on my healing journey. I felt I was in a space where I could tackle issues that used to be hard for me to face. Why had our relationship ended? What did I learn? How had I contributed to the unhealthy patterns? How could I grow from this experience? I took my time to answer these questions and more, and it left me feeling grateful for the experience and looking forward to meeting someone new. I spoke to some friends about my steps, and they suggested I contact my ex to get his perspective as well, so as to have an even better understanding on the matter and a greater sense of closure (in the place of waiting and wondering whether I'd hear from him again). I thought it through, and decided it was an action that aligned with my values and I could gain a lot from hearing his truth.

Now I come to the reason behind this post. I do not feel comfortable posting word for word what he replied. It was not what I expected. I had considered that he might not reply or say no, and I was fine with that.

I received a message that was spiteful and purposefully hurtful. He said no he was greatly comfortable talking to me or helping me move forward. He said that my growth shouldn't come at his expense. He said we haven't been together for a long time, and I needed to move on. He ended with saying consider this our last interaction (he actually put it in bold!), that my contact is unwelcome, and I should stop it.

What I'm feeling : After having smooth interactions for over a year, I didn't expect such a harsh reply. I feel like I was harassing him. I thought that since he had been in DBT therapy, and in a relationship with someone that seemed to be working out, even if he felt negatively about our relationship he could talk about it with distance. I think it hurts especially because all my reflections brought me to feel like, despite the ups and downs, my past relationship shaped who I am today and I am grateful for it. We were young, didn't know ourselves and didn't have good models of communication, so no wonder the relationship failed. I had a place in my heart for him, because I had loved him a lot in the way I knew how at the time. This whole situation hurts me a lot.

What do you think? Did I mess things up beyond repair (I mean we weren't even talking so I didn't lose much)?

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[Cat Familiar]

He did say his current gf was uncomfortable with you communicating with him. Then…you initiated more communication with him.

Even with an emotionally healthy ex, asking specifically what contributed to the end of a relationship can be a fraught endeavor.

He had asserted a boundary (his? hers?) and you chose to step over it.

That you are on the Bettering Board seems to indicate that you want to continue to pursue some sort of relationship, even after he has told you that he doesn’t.

What keeps you invested in having a connection with him?

[tina7868]

You do have a point. I saw it as, if he doesn’t want to reply, he doesn’t have to, and I’d be okay with that. He had said more specifically he didn’t want to reconnect. I saw this discussion as separate to being friends. I can see that I pushed his buttons. 

When I had gone through the reflection process myself, I had a positive feeling about the relationship overall. He meant a lot to me, and so I think I will always be open to a connection with him. I get that his process is different than mine.

Also, he has said in the past that he didn’t want to talk to me because of his girlfriend, and then reached out again without explaining what changed. I was hoping this talk would allow me to clear my head from waiting to see if that happened again. I felt like I was in a space where I could hear honest answers without taking it personally.

I guess I made a mistake in interpreting where he was at. Maybe his harsh tone was because of his frustration at me not getting that he is in another place. I guess his reaching out was not meaningful from his perspective.

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps his reaching out to you was simply seeking narcissistic supply. He’s been in a relationship for a while, so perhaps the bloom is somewhat off the rose. As you’re aware, pwBPD love the *honeymoon phase* and dealing with *reality* is not their preferred mode, which might also explain why he had no desire to delve into a relationship necropsy.