discarded , should I wait or take initiative?

[kaycee]

  so my ex gf discarded me 6 days ago, i was at her house with flowers and her favorite snacks but she was so hateful towards me and wanted me to go and told me to never go near her flat or her again or contact her again. she done something similar already sometimes but this time it really felt different and final from the others like u can sense it. she blocked me everywhere.

((note: I havent done nothing wrong, we were just in this "not officially together since some months but together limbo" and sometimes she would get triggered and sometimes we could have a rl good time. a reason I think triggered her was , two weeks before she went on a spontaneous two day trip to spain with a girl friend , but she havent even told me about that trip and I said I wont be happy with open arms waiting for her when she comes back. we beefed a lil and she blocked me for a week. but after she came back I asked if she still loves me and got feelings for me she said to both yes) (week also before that i was lil distant cuz her behavior and she even pushed to at least never lose contact and be friends)

1-2 days later after being at her place she wrote me in the middle of the night she got a hoodie I cant even remember and that she would bring it to me , or asked if she should send it to me or if even want it.

i responded the next morning when i woke up that she can bring it by at evening.

suddenly she responded "is xxxx your adress right?"

i said u know where i live

she said im gonna send it instead

so I ignored this message cuz she obviously wanted to fxck with me cuz she knew how bad I wanted to see her.

suddenly she texted me : havent I made it clear to dont come to my home why is there a picture of us at by my window?

I respond : when I brought u the flowers days ago I put it there cuz i didnt know u were home

- this was just made up from her , cuz she already seen the picture , so that was cuz I igored her message she wrote this

she unblocked me on whatsapp to text me all this^^

and I couldnt hold back to text her the same evening if she wants to meet up and not even talk all serious bout us but relax and enjoy a good time together and be just like in our beginning stages, she responded she dont want what I suggest, I asked what do u want? she said : no contact

now she even left me unblocked on whatsapp.. what lets me wonder.. ( she got no insta or snap etc., and on my knowledge havent cheated and had others) ( I assume one reason she left me unblocked to ask petty in a few days If I got the package, even tho adress is correct cuz she knows it)

I explained someone my situation on a other redditsub , they said we arent finished and she wants me back and she will try it, cuz even tho she says all that- her actions is something different--> .. but honestly I cant see that myself.. i mean I even asked to meetup and she straight said she dont want contact .. but again why left me unblocked? I aint got hope but tryna make sense

I tried briefly to summarize my story but what do u think, is it final? what should I do, text her again something special cuz I´m unblocked? wait on her part till she contacts me ? or..?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UnbalancedForce]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I know you are confused. The push/pull is terrible. However, if someone asks for no contact that is a boundary. From what you wrote she has told you this several times. I personally would not text her. She is baiting you so you look needy and she can demonize you as you get turned black. Is it the last time? Only you know. Maybe that is why you are looking into it so much. You have to be a confident rock and not let your emotions take over (I know this is impossible). Unblock/block is very common. Do not look into it. It can mean she wants you to contact, she is confused, or she is toying with you. Either way it is up to her to contact you at this point in my eyes. Either way she is very confused. Trying to figure out what someone means from what they actually say is not good communication for a relationship. Ignoring messages is buying into manipulation and playing her mind games. Sorry to say you will not win. Focus on learning D.E.A.R.M.A.N. method and not to J.A.D.E. Maybe even get a therapist for yourself. DBT for you could be helpful. They like to leave a line open to contact you at some point. Could be 1 minute or 5 years or never depending on supply. She has come back 6 times so I'm guessing she will come back sooner than later. I am sorry if this came across bluntly but I wish I knew this then. Focus on yourself right now and try to heal your wounds. From there you can decide if you want to wait for a recycle or move on. There are great resources on this site for you to do this.

[Pook075]

I was in the exact same situation when I split up with my ex- she told me not to contact her, then she used me not contacting her as proof that I didn't love her.  Or when I did contact her, she used that as proof that I didn't respect her boundaries or actually care about her.  So no matter what I did, I was wrong.

But I wasn't actually wrong, I was trying to apply logic to someone with BPD that was running solely out of unstable emotion.  That's like the square peg in a round hole type of thing- it just doesn't work and there's no way to make it work. 

Since you're going to be wrong no matter what you do, my advice would be to call up an old friend and go do something fun.  Don't talk about your relationship or what's going on because NOBODY can understand the actions of someone that's currently unstable.  In other words, there's no mystery here to figure out and there's no way to fix things today.  So focus on yourself instead and try to make the best of the day.

[kaycee]

so...After 3 weeks contact but not meeting up we met ( I contacted her after see my post above) and had a good time, kisses , etc. talked a lil bout us and we kissed goodbye saying I love u when she got on the train, anyway after 3 days back and forth on the phone I called her out on her bs because she was playing games and always denied meeting but rather text and argue instead of building trust and bond again, well she didn’t like this and blocked me everywhere, a day after this I collapsed on the street and got a panic attack as well and texted her from another number I would really need her rn , she blasted at me that I don’t leave her alone and she will change her number cuz I don’t get it , I texted her a classic „ Alright got it , no need for that, u will never hear from me again ,will always be here for u love u .. text and that I love her always etc.“

Two days later I noticed she really changed her number..

does she come back after something like this?

[kaycee]

please look at my answer in the comments, what u think about it?

[UnbalancedForce]

kaycee,
I would reread the answers we provided earlier. Pook made a good point where she is highly unstable right now. I want to let you know I feel your pain. Try to look outside of your self and look at your comment. She is asking for space and changing her number. You said that you "need" her and had a panic attack. Do you see where this relationship is going haywire and is unhealthy? They are very volatile and I can tell you at this point they can become destructive. Restraining orders, police, or worse. Do not take this lightly. I understand you are very confused. You are addicted like a drug. This is due to cognitive dissonance and intermittent reinforcement due to a trauma bond. I highly suggest seeing a therapist if you can. These relationships are very difficult to unpack. I can not stress enough how important it is for you to stop thinking about her and try to focus on yourself. Your health is going downhill. I know she is stuck in your brain. You can't get her out. You can not stop ruminating. You are going through the F.O.G.(fear, obligation, guilt) right now. This disorder is truly a difficult experience for someone like you. Let's see if you are like me. You are chivalrous, caring, romantic, loving, empathetic, and would go to the ends of the earth for your partner. You can not understand what happened. The bouts of despair are gut wrenching. You have to soul search and if you really love her you have to focus on yourself. You are pushing her farther and farther away right now. If you really want her back into your life at some point you have to learn to let go and work on yourself. Most partners do tend to pop back up at some point. I used that as motivation to get my life together. I started to exercise, eat right, meditate, see my friends and family again, saw a therapist. I am 7 months out and it is not easy. I can tell you I know now the relationship was not what I thought it was. This is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever faced. I would start from the beginning of this site and really learn about this disorder. You have been used for her emotional dysregulation as you guys have become enmeshed. It is going to take some time for this to leave your body and self regulate. I would start reading from the beginning of this site or watching YouTube or reading on BPD. Here is a long video that I found and calmed me down when I was where you are. His is Prof Vaknin, he is tough to understand but he really gets how their mind works. It helped me to understand my partner and myself. If you look at it from the outside you will see there is predictable patterns. I like him myself as he loves Borderlines how I do. Maybe he will help you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-THt5sJ5VE4&list=PLsh_y_ett4o064nEQL4gRqxg4MHqfMfdq&index=13

[Pook075]

so...After 3 weeks contact but not meeting up we met ( I contacted her after see my post above) and had a good time, kisses , etc. talked a lil bout us and we kissed goodbye saying I love u when she got on the train, anyway after 3 days back and forth on the phone I called her out on her bs because she was playing games and always denied meeting but rather text and argue instead of building trust and bond again, well she didn’t like this and blocked me everywhere, a day after this I collapsed on the street and got a panic attack as well and texted her from another number I would really need her rn , she blasted at me that I don’t leave her alone and she will change her number cuz I don’t get it , I texted her a classic „ Alright got it , no need for that, u will never hear from me again ,will always be here for u love u .. text and that I love her always etc.“

Two days later I noticed she really changed her number..

does she come back after something like this?

That's the wrong question to ask- if she's coming back or not.  Will she come back today?  No.  This week?  No.  This month?  Probably not.  This year?  None of us can answer that other than to say right now, she's unstable and asking for space.  You have to give that to her regardless of how much it hurts.

What you can focus on right now is yourself.  You've been through the ringer and it is essential for you to start focusing on your life outside of that relationship.  It's hard, we all get that, but there's nothing you can say or do this week that would make any difference at all.  You really have to wait for her to make contact when she's in a different mindset.

In the meantime, get outside and enjoy the fresh air.  Do what you used to do- sports, hobbies, interests, whatever.  Fall back into those routines that used to make you happy in life before her.  Work on building a support system of friends and family as well, not to talk about your relationship because they won't get it at all.  Instead, just lean on them to get through this and help you fall back into healthy life patterns.

It really stinks buddy and we've all been there.  The pain and confusion is unimaginable to anyone on the outside looking in.  But you will get through this just as thousands of others here have, myself included.  Keep your head up and get busy living life...that's the best advice you'll receive here.

[kaycee]

yea ur right, I’m moving on slowly, like drug addict going through the withdrawals .. it’s still some hope there and it sounds like a contradiction to the moving on part wanting to know that but is changing her number a telltale sign it’s done done? if I could hear from some who experienced this if this is just another extreme push away it would be easier.

[UnbalancedForce]

Ok here is my story. Their number went blocked not sure what happened. They called me from a new number which I picked up and did not say anything. I did not call back because I wasn't sure at first. After looking up the number on whitepages.com I found it it was indeed their number. Thing is it was registered to them but was from many years ago. The other number was still active. Turns out they had two phones. This is what I thought she was thinking...

I Love You, but I do not know how to say it!
I Love you, but I’m afraid of the situation.
I Love you, but I’m afraid you’d reject me.
I Love you, but I’m afraid of what others would think about me.
I Love you, but I don’t think this is the right time.
I Love you, but I’m not sure what it is that I feel for you.
I Love you, but you scare me.
I Love you, but the emotions I feel for you terrify me.
I Love you, but I need more time.
I Love you, but my life is a mess right now.
I Love you, but I’m not worthy of you.

I got "charmed" extensively for the next 3 months. Kept that dopamine and drug addict feel going. Right when I thought I was better, BOOM another breadcrumb. I go to reddit subs trying to figure out what's going on, read every article, looking for signs from god. Then I am unblocked on social media. Random calls, FB my parent, etc...I'm still in NC but I need definite proof they want to contact. I don't want breadcrumbs. I know this game. Then about 6 months post breakup I am sent a FB update. They have been with their prior ex the WHOLE time. The thing is what they think one minute drastically changes to the next. Will yours come back, yes, probably. Mine is trying to monkey branch back to me as we speak. The number on this site says that 73% of these type of relationships recycle 5 or more times! Every time it gets worse. The cycles become shorter. They know what they are doing. Now, if they are in therapy there is a chance. I don't want to kill your hope. Do I still believe deep down I'm hoping mine will come back and say they are in therapy blah blah blah. I would be lying if I didn't. I do know after working on MYSELF I had to stop needing someone to fix ME. I deserve way more. Being a co-dependent mess is not going to help me help her and be a great partner. I had to find my love for myself again if I could give unconditional love. Then, they are going to have to come at me with the world because it takes 50/50. I do know now unfortunately this is not going to happen. We can't fix them. I am not trying to kill your hope. I am just saying I was right where you were. I did use them possibly coming back to me as a catalyst at first. Hey do it for yourself if this works. Who's to say true love won't come to you. Maybe she will beat it. So, let's think of your current situation either way. If you want to help her get better and actually love her and have a relationship that flourishes, do you think you can do it in your current state of mind? Why does what she thinks in this situation matter? Do you just want her right now so your pain goes away? Is it that you want the "high"? To keep the chemicals in your head going and get your fix? I know you want to know if she's pushing you away but still wants you. This could be the case, but you see she didn't ultimately come to you yet. In the present moment she is gone. I just wanted the excuse to hang on and keep suffering. If you really learn about this disorder you will see that it is her subconscious. She can't come to you if she tried in this state of mind. You can not figure out the disordered. Have you read through this site and what you have to do to be their partner? Have you done DBT, learned not to J.A.D.E., J.E.T., D.E.A.R.M.A.N.,  etc...yet? You are going to have to get yourself in check and be her rock. You are not going to get the validation of the idealization phase ever again. Her post relationship behavior is more indicative of how your relationship is going to be going forward. You are not going to get validation for your relationship like you are craving right now. I am not trying to sway you either way and I know I sound harsh. I just wish someone told me this when I was going through this. I really am sending you love. A youtuber Mike who does these breakups said that his short 5 month relationship with a BPD was worse than losing his non-disordered fiancé to cancer. This pain and longing you have is ripping your soul. Use it as your dark night of your soul. It is going to suck but I can tell you I am feeling so much better and am unlocking parts of myself I didn't know existed. I am just trying to get you to focus on yourself. It is the only way you are going to make it work between you two.    

[Pook075]

yea ur right, I’m moving on slowly, like drug addict going through the withdrawals .. it’s still some hope there and it sounds like a contradiction to the moving on part wanting to know that but is changing her number a telltale sign it’s done done? if I could hear from some who experienced this if this is just another extreme push away it would be easier.

Changing her number is a telltale sign that it's done for now.  She's unstable though so who knows what she'll think in a week or a month.  The odds are really good that she'll reach out again, putting you back on the hook and hoping that the relationship will return.  The honest truth is that we can't say whether it's just an extreme push or something else.  We can guess that she did this impulsively, which fits BPD behavior when someone is unstable.

Again, try to focus on you and make the best of a horrible situation.  It's super hard but you will get through this no matter what.  Wishing you the best, my friend.  Good luck!