Discarded and ghosted for 4 months now

[vivalafica]

Hi to all, this is my first post, i'm Italian and i live in Italy, i found this forum searching about BDP, because i had a relationship woth a woman with BDP. And i found it very interesting. Please apologize me if my english is not perfect

I will tell you only the last act between me and her. The whole thing start in the Spring 2022
We were in a no contact moment, one of the many in the last period, but i decide to broke it, and i called her with other phone number, because i was blocked everywhere ( social, phone,sms ). Decided to do this because in the last ghosting time she was her to come back.

She was surprised to ear me, and then hung ip telling she was driving and tell me she will call later. She phoned me 2 days later, using poor excuses for the late, then unblock me everywhere. The next day she asked me to go to the lake, we went, we enjoy a lot and she verbalized that also. We are very compatible and we have a lot of feeling

2 days later she sent a whatsapp vocal to me, telling the same lament circle ( my family have abbanoned me, and the same row of attacks to me ) . Decided to ignore hoping she will calm down, but she saw the blu double check in the whatsapp vocal but no answer come back. After 30 min she called me, and start to verbal attack me, unusefull was to try to calm down and tell her i was at work, and i willing to reply her once work was done. The situation lead to silence. Two days later she went me crazy and obtain my reaction, every time she had a ridicolous reaction related to the real fact and bring me to reaction for use that. I think it's intentional but i don't know if is conscious. My kind of reaction is verbal, i told her bad things, i know. They still hurt, but she leads me to that every time

And also this time they use my reaction to trow the guilty to me, i'm the worst person in the world and all bad things. After devaluating a lot, she blocked me everywhere

Now are 4 months from that moment, peroodically i tried to reach her, but i was ignored all the time. I knew they wrote to a friend of mine and speak about me

It was very painfull, i'm out from the worst period but i'm still thinking about her, forcing me to see the real person that showed me, and that still showing now.

We where very happy togheter, is a paradox i know, but little by little we fell in the toxic part. I was conscious of all, but i don't understand her final moves. She wanted to punish me giving an illusion and final discarding me? Or?

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[Pook075]

Hi Viva and thanks for posting.  I can relate to so much of what you said because that's how these relationships usually break down- everything is great at the beginning, then it levels out, then it completely falls apart.

Four months is a long time for what you've been through and unfortunately, reaching out will likely only push her away even further.  In your significant other's mind, they want you to pursue them to "prove your love" but when you do, they see it as you not respecting their boundaries.  But when you don't reach out, it proves to them that you don't care so there's very little you can do in that situation. 

My best advice would be to continue to wait it out, focus on yourself as much as possible, and do some research on BPD and communicating.  There's some great help sections here that will teach you to better communicate, and other members here will be happy to answer any questions you may have.

One other thing, don't worry about English being your second language- I was able to follow your story just fine.  Again, I'm very sorry you're going through this since we all know how badly it hurts.

[vivalafica]

Thanks for the reply

Yes it was a very difficult time, it still is difficult now. We live in a small town and the possibility to meet her is very high, but it happened one time only, we went window to window with cars. Ice moment. I had also the searching phase, going in her way to work for "casually" met her. But never happened

I live now with the fear to met her, that works against the need to see her. What a situation.
Considering also that i have two opposite kind of toughts about her. In one moment i can feel love for her, in another i can consider and feel the real person and what she did to me, because this is a final act of a long abuses row
Not easy, but now at least i can control me

She kept to say can't trust me anymore, and this is for my behaviours i had with her. Many things were invented too

I had the perception that i ever obtained back the exact contrary of the love i gave

[Simple80s]

This sounds very familiar. I’m not well placed to offer advise as I’m searching for understanding myself, I can share patterns I’ve seen.

Arguing to get a reaction, then shifting all outcome blame. That could build resentment so find a way with that feeling.

Continual blocking and unblocking, adds to both of your sense of instability in being able to exchange your feelings. I understand it’s one person doing the blocking. I’d like a better understanding of the motive behind this myself if anyone can comment further…

One thing I would say, is these patterns are unsettling for you both. As a believer in people, I assume her intentions are good even if possibly confused, the alternative isn’t worth dwelling on. To me I believe it’s a defence rather than manipulation given the insecurity/chaos of the blocking and invoking reactions, seems like a sabotaging act.
When you came back together previously, how until she contacted you and how long did you wait for things to settle before calling? It might be worth considering if you have a pattern to learn from.  

With any relationship descending toxic, have you tried to address the underlying feelings that might be driving the surface activity from an emotionally safe place?

Sorry to read you are going through this, it’s painful. I hope she is genuine and you can find a way to reconcile, if you can then try be in a good state of mind as defensiveness she may display with insecurities could potentially be triggering to you which will push you further apart.

[Pook075]

Thanks for the reply

Yes it was a very difficult time, it still is difficult now. We live in a small town and the possibility to meet her is very high, but it happened one time only, we went window to window with cars. Ice moment. I had also the searching phase, going in her way to work for "casually" met her. But never happened

I live now with the fear to met her, that works against the need to see her. What a situation.
Considering also that i have two opposite kind of toughts about her. In one moment i can feel love for her, in another i can consider and feel the real person and what she did to me, because this is a final act of a long abuses row
Not easy, but now at least i can control me

She kept to say can't trust me anymore, and this is for my behaviours i had with her. Many things were invented too

I had the perception that i ever obtained back the exact contrary of the love i gave

That's common and called projection- the person with BPD projects their behaviors onto someone else and accuses them of doing those things.

For example, one time my BPD wife started hitting me in a fit of rage after screaming for 15 minutes.  I tried to grab her wrists and she tried to bite me.  So I shoved her back and she fell down pretty hard.  She doesn't remember yelling, she doesn't remember attacking, she doesn't remember me trying to calm her down for 15 minutes as she swung at me...she remembers that I raised my voice and attacked her for no reason.  

You have to let that stuff go, my friend...you can't blame yourself for the disordered thinking of someone else.

[vivalafica]

This sounds very familiar. I’m not well placed to offer advise as I’m searching for understanding myself, I can share patterns I’ve seen.

Arguing to get a reaction, then shifting all outcome blame. That could build resentment so find a way with that feeling.

Continual blocking and unblocking, adds to both of your sense of instability in being able to exchange your feelings. I understand it’s one person doing the blocking. I’d like a better understanding of the motive behind this myself if anyone can comment further…

One thing I would say, is these patterns are unsettling for you both. As a believer in people, I assume her intentions are good even if possibly confused, the alternative isn’t worth dwelling on. To me I believe it’s a defence rather than manipulation given the insecurity/chaos of the blocking and invoking reactions, seems like a sabotaging act.
When you came back together previously, how until she contacted you and how long did you wait for things to settle before calling? It might be worth considering if you have a pattern to learn from.  

With any relationship descending toxic, have you tried to address the underlying feelings that might be driving the surface activity from an emotionally safe place?

Sorry to read you are going through this, it’s painful. I hope she is genuine and you can find a way to reconcile, if you can then try be in a good state of mind as defensiveness she may display with insecurities could potentially be triggering to you which will push you further apart.

The last time when she was her to call back, it past at least a month where i did nothing. Now are 4 months, i'm still blocked and all. And i don't know if she is genuine, but i think borderline personality can give the " best " when them feel near to the victim, they feel something for the victims, otherwise won't happen. Me and her before were friends, and i didn't suspect at all they carry with her also with a very dark side. In friendship is the best girl you can have with you...but then...
By the way i will do nothing now, anything more than i did...i did the best for her asking nothing