A Decade of Confusion

[SNOWBOARDCRAZY]

Hello,

I stumbled upon this site in my quest for sanity and after reading a number of posts, I decided to join and share my story and seek advice. It appears my story, is similar to hundreds I've read already and the outcome of my 10 years of marriage, is unknown at this time.

I've been married to my pwbpd for a decade, have three children, one is a step-son, and just recently figured out (3 months ago) she might have BPD after stumbling upon websites I found after searching "am I crazy". Although we just got a diagnosis, she has exhibited these symptoms our entire marriage. We thought is was post partum, then anxiety, then hormones, but it turned out to be BPD. She is genetically disposed to mental health issues, as her mom is bi-polar, her grandma has NPD 100%, and she was in a few long term relationships where she was abused, neglected, and demeaned. Her parents never showed any sort of affection, emotion, or comforting on their part. They idolized their son, but neglected her needs throughout her life. She spent considerable time with her grandmother when she was young. I come from a stable family, without mental health issues, and parents who allowed us to display emotions and provided the support, care, and love we need to foster growth. Out of 6 kids, I was the one that is " a ball of emotions, so being in a relationship where I am not allowed to express emotions, is killing me inside.

I have about had it with my relationship. Similar to all of you, my emotional needs have been neglected, or suppressed to the point of confusion, I've been gaslighted and accused baselessly. I've joined support groups, read books, and now stumbled upon this forum to gain an better understanding what BPD sufferers like us have to say. She has been in therapy for months, but she still can't accept her diagnosis, so I don't know how she can get better without acceptance. Anyways, I am at a crossroad and I am not sure what path to take. I love her, I empathize with her (see next paragraph on my diagnosis), I don't want a divorce (raised catholic and I'm stubborn), and I see how having a split family can be on children. At the same time, I want someone I can express my emotions to, have support from, and feel loved. Conflicted much? 

I can tell you that I use a considerable amount of my time and energy, dealing with my own severe chronic pain that's so pervasive, I consider suicide on a weekly basis and I am not ashamed to say, as well as raising 3 boys, working a stressful job, and her BPD drama is wearing me down. I applaud her for her efforts to get into therapy, although her refusal to accept her condition is a roadblock for her recovery, but she is wants to get better.  I communicate professionally in my 20 year career, but even I am having a hard time communicating with my spouse.

I am in an impossible situation. She refuses to leave when she splits and we get into huge arguments. I can't go to my parents because their defensive for their children (she'll feel they hate her anytime she is around them which is a lot) and my friends can't even grasp what BPD is, let alone support me, other than hearing me out. I am so afraid that if I go to therapy, they are going to tell me to leave her after the abuse I've been through. I am afraid if we go to marriage counseling, she'll manipulate the therapist to take her side and I am not so sure she can handle the words/feelings that will come out of my mouth. She moved her evicted parents in, because they would be living on the streets otherwise and they have no plans for leaving (waiting on low income housing for the disabled). If they went homeless, she would have spiraled, so I agreed temporarily and am kicking myself for it now!

I am tired of not being heard, tired of suppressing my emotions, so her BPD can steal the show. I am tired of not having anyone to support me when I need it (which isn't often). I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of not even being able to discuss anything that elicits emotions (which is like everything in life). I am tired of being forced to leave my house, my kids, my life while she cools off because she refuses to leave and has no where to go (her parents live with us). It takes me a long time to cool down after she brings me to the brink of insanity. She will say sorry after she is done splitting, but the sorry is not genuine.

Thanks for hearing me out and giving me a space to unload my emotional baggage, if you will. I am trying my hardest to learn to work with her diagnosis, learn to handle her splitting episodes, and allow self care for myself and stay married. I've have begun to leave the kids (hard for me to do), her, and her parents and do things that bring me joy, as an outlet for not being able to express the raw, sad, angry, and confusing emotions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Self care is important if you intend to stay in an intolerable situation. Do not feel guilty about taking care of your needs and having an outlet to express the parts of yourself you’ve suppressed in this relationship.

The critical piece of the pie is accepting she is who she is and is unlikely to ever change. Many people pin their hopes upon their BPD partners entering into therapy. It seldom happens and if it does, they generally don’t continue or they constantly change therapists.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

BPD is a disorder of shame and self loathing—often this is projected upon their partners because it’s intolerable for them to look within and be accountable for their behaviors and dysregulated emotions.

What you can do is learn to get off the crazy merry go round. Take a look at the Tools section at the top of the page for strategies that can help to dial down the insanity.

What has helped me most is not participating in the absurdity. I have a multitude of responses to exit at the first sign of dysregulation. It’s much easier to do that when there’s still a measure of sanity. Once someone has gone down the path of losing their rationality, it is pointless to try and *logic* them out of their emotions. We often say here that for people with BPD—feelings equal facts. And there’s no way we can talk them out of their feelings.

It often helps to talk about specific issues and then we can help you work on strategies to make things better. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate with a stressful job, three boys, and in-laws living with you.

[dp7]

Hi Snowboardcrazy,

I'm in a similar boat in that my partner was diagnosed 3-4 months ago so all of this is very new to me. I'm doing a lot of reading, joined this board, and trying my best to implement the tools -- which is harder than it sounds.

Based off of what you said, it sounds like you've made a decision to try to make the relationship work. With that knowledge, I think your next step is learning how to radically accept your current situation as it stands right now (I'm still trying to learn how to do this as well). The truth of the matter is that she now has a diagnosis, you now have a roadmap of sorts to learn about and follow, and you currently want to make things work.

I recommend that you keep doing what you're doing -- take time for self-care, keep reading up on BPD and practice the tools, see a therapist yourself and take it day by day with the understanding that this is just how things are going to be for a while. But, there is hope. Your wife is in treatment, and because she's still seeing her therapist, one could logically assume that it's because she sees some sort of value in those sessions and recognizes the need for them.

Keep venting on here too... it really does help to have a forum of people going through similar situations as you are.

Here for you!

[understandBPD]

Hey mate,

Just wanted to say your not alone going through similar no children only married 3 years and it got to the point where i was asking the question of am i going crazy am i really that much of a terrible person etc unfortunately my wife hasn't been diagnosed we are currently separated.

I've found talking online very helpful and being reassured from friends and family because if you try to ride it out alone you will actually end up crazy or at least believing you are and everything's your fault.

Good luck with it