The Loneliness

[MatchaGirl]

My husband is diagnosed. We’ve spent over a year trying to find the right combination of meds and a therapist who actually knows Dialectial Behavior Therapy.
He’s finally found one and FINALLY started doing the DBT exercises and having a routine and working out to release the anger.
It’s only been 2 months so I’m not foolish enough to put much stock into the changes yet.
I’m glad he’s finally doing something and I know that’s heaps better than many partners. But I’m posting tonight because it feels so lonely. Like all of his focus and energy is required just to keep him from exploding, into keeping the BPD caged. And there’s not much left for me or our marriage. Having the bar for staying together be “Just stop being emotionally abusive” Is pretty darn low. And I know it takes time and all of that. But it’s still lonely. Nursing these wounds he made alone while he’s trying to tame the beast.
I don’t really have a question today. Just sending the pain into the community in case someone else feels the same.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tranch]

I absolutely understand the loneliness. My BPD wife is constantly talking about her loneliness, even if I'm as physically and emotionally present as I can healthily be (there are times she'd want to hang out from sun-up to sun-down--it's hard for anything to be enough). And I often don't bother telling her this, because she might take it as me minimizing or invalidating or not understanding just how miserable she is, but I'm lonely too! I'm not sure about you, but I often feel smothered and lonely at the same time.

Him going to DBT is major, and maybe he really is exhausted. I also wonder, does it feel different being with him now? Is it almost like he's testing out a new, less reactive personality? Regardless, it's great you're supporting him with that and I hope he makes progress.

Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to think about your other relationships too? It's particularly draining to have someone take up so much of your time but not really do anything for your loneliness, and that's going to hurt regardless. But still, hopefully you can find some satisfaction from your other connections, and even yourself. Best of luck!

[waverider]

The loneliness wont be cured within the relationship, you need to include a portion of your life outside to supply what is not within. A life totally revolving around BPD, even if managed, will never be wholesome. To cure loneliness you need to be around someone with who you can truly relax and confide in, without constantly being on guard about stepping on triggers

[MatchaGirl]

The loneliness wont be cured within the relationship, you need to include a portion of your life outside to supply what is not within. A life totally revolving around BPD, even if managed, will never be wholesome. To cure loneliness you need to be around someone with who you can truly relax and confide in, without constantly being on guard about stepping on triggers

I believe there’s a particular brand of loneliness that comes from within an unhealthy marriage. The relationship is not functioning as it should so there is a void in its place.
I have a strong, supportive community of friends. I have a job I love and I volunteer at a place that means something to me. So my life is full. (Alongside a comprehensive self care regime)
I’m doing all of “The right things”. But when your husband has BPD, there’s still going to be the loneliness and pain.

[MatchaGirl]

I absolutely understand the loneliness. My BPD wife is constantly talking about her loneliness, even if I'm as physically and emotionally present as I can healthily be (there are times she'd want to hang out from sun-up to sun-down--it's hard for anything to be enough). And I often don't bother telling her this, because she might take it as me minimizing or invalidating or not understanding just how miserable she is, but I'm lonely too! I'm not sure about you, but I often feel smothered and lonely at the same time.

Him going to DBT is major, and maybe he really is exhausted. I also wonder, does it feel different being with him now? Is it almost like he's testing out a new, less reactive personality? Regardless, it's great you're supporting him with that and I hope he makes progress.

Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to think about your other relationships too? It's particularly draining to have someone take up so much of your time but not really do anything for your loneliness, and that's going to hurt regardless. But still, hopefully you can find some satisfaction from your other connections, and even yourself. Best of luck!

That’s a good question re: his personality. I’ve thought of it too. Will I still recognize this man? What would real love look like with him not in the “Love bombings Stage”? What is out relationship outside of BPD triggers? I don’t know. Time will tell, I guess.

You make a sound point. Maybe right now it’s all just exhausting to him. Thank you, that’s given me some perspective.

[Cat Familiar]

I think there’s often a point when you come to the realization that when a spouse has BPD it precludes an emotionally fulfilling relationship. It’s a lot to grieve when you’ve invested time and energy and are committed through children or financial entanglements.

I’ve gotten to the phase where I appreciate what is available emotionally in the relationship while not expecting what isn’t possible. In the process, I’ve strengthened my boundaries and built up my self reliance. Certainly it is not the partnership I had hoped for, but at the same time, I’m finding positives through friendship and companionship with my husband; it’s just not the fairytale marriage that it promised to be during the honeymoon phase.

I can rationalize it by saying that most relationships come with baggage, the honeymoon phase doesn’t last, and historically lots of marriages were not made through love but rather for cultural or economic reasons.

So now I’ve got a fairly nice roommate, though we share different quarters (which thankfully is a lifesaver as I’m very orderly, while he’s very chaotic). I’ve learned not to trigger him so we generally get along well, but it’s not an emotionally fulfilling relationship, though there can be glimpses of that here and there.

It’s come down to accepting him for who he is and not expecting him to be different. The honeymoon phase was wonderful and I thought I’d finally met my soulmate, but it was an artifact of mirroring and not representative of reality.

To return to the topic of loneliness, I find that I get my emotional needs met thorough friends and acquaintances with whom I can fully express myself without *managing a BPD personality*.

At this point, I can be congruently myself with my husband, but at the same time, having learned to *speak BPD*, it’s like having a partner who doesn’t share one’s native language and always needing to translate my words into a foreign language that I learned later in life.

[tranch]

"I believe there’s a particular brand of loneliness that comes from within an unhealthy marriage. The relationship is not functioning as it should so there is a void in its place."

Ouch, yes. This is what I was trying to get at but you put it so well. I used to always think of void as just absence, but it's kind of worse than that, it's a bottomless something that can't be filled. That's how I feel about the energy I pour into my wife. It's like it's a net negative. But I come back to "void" which I think is such a deep word here. As much as you build/have other connections outside the relationship, the void within the relationship feels like it leaves this open wound.

I AM curious more about Cat Familiar, who seems relatively content. I wonder, @Cat Familiar, how did you come to accept such a platonic "fairly nice roommate." Was this something that already somewhat suited you? I'm really just curious how you can be so content with it. I've tried to come to that at times, working with my therapist on how I can take it day at a time. Which is fine TODAY, but when I think, what about 10 years in the future, I wouldn't want to look back and see that the last 10 were as rough as my past 2 have been.

[Bewildered4now]

Matchagirl, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I don’t have much advice or answers to questions, but I can share my own experience while it’s raw and fresh.

I’m relatively new to the realization that my fiancé has BPD and new to  understanding my new role in this relationship. On the one hand, I feel fortunate to no longer be caught in her BPD tornados, on the other there is a deep loneliness and solitary mourning. Knowing that I can no longer hope to get many of my needs met while in this relationship has created a mix of emotions in me that I have never before experienced. Even when I was single, I always had hope/belief that I’d find someone to help create a secure and fulfilling life with. Now that seems like an impossibility while in this relationship.

There have been many positive experiences recently including reconnecting to relationships I had neglected for more than five years (most importantly my relationship to myself) and also discovering new connections. I also had a really deeply meaningful experience alongside my bwBPD a few days ago while walking on the Oregon Coast. While walking  alongside her, I realized I was completely unaffected by her and was fully in the present moment. I was able to “just be” in a way I haven’t experienced since our relationship began. The enmeshment had been lifted and I wasn’t trying to actively manage it.

 I’ll find new ways of creatively adjusting to my environment and the sadness and loneliness may gently subside, but before recognizing that BPD was at play, I clung on to false hope of fulfillment. And that was endlessly painful. Of course I have no clue what the future holds, and for the next year I’m choosing to remain financially dependent until I finish my residency. I also want to see how I adapt (being enlightened by the BPD recognition) as I don’t want to separate at this point since we have a kiddo. And I do truly care for my pwBPD. I want to give it a go.

Tranch, I very much identify  the “void” feeling and Cat Familiar, learning to accept being in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship is a difficult endeavor. One that I hope I can live with, at least for a time.

I think this relationship is forcing or encouraging me into a transformation that may not have otherwise occurred (and is likely to be a lifelong process). A transformation  that in time may help me become a more whole and less unhealthily enmeshed and more individuated person. I’ve already found new opportunities to collaborate with people on very meaningful endeavors that I previously would have been reluctant toward.

[Cat Familiar]

I AM curious more about Cat Familiar, who seems relatively content. I wonder, @Cat Familiar, how did you come to accept such a platonic "fairly nice roommate." Was this something that already somewhat suited you? I'm really just curious how you can be so content with it.

Some years ago, long after the honeymoon phase wore off, my husband said, “I don’t trust you.”

These were perhaps the four most hurtful words I’ve ever heard from someone I loved. Both of us had previously been cheated upon by partners and devastated by the betrayal.

At first I thought he meant that he thought I’d been thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. This was a ludicrous thought, as I had no intention of cheating on the person I thought was *the love of my life*. In addition, the dating pool in this rural area is shallow. I’d been single for a number of years after I divorced my first BPD husband, had dated a couple of people briefly, but had no deeper interest.

I later came to realize, that my failed attempts to intervene in his alcohol abuse had undermined his sense of *trust* in me. He is one of those people who could drink massive, and I mean massive, amounts of alcohol…until he couldn’t. (He had a disabling stroke last year.) I had seen family members wreck their health with alcohol abuse and I had wanted to save him from that fate.

Anyway, at that point, some years ago, our romantic life abruptly ceased—his doing, not mine. I tried to talk about it, but he refuses to engage in any conversation if he feels uncomfortable, and I was so distressed by the alcohol abuse that I guess I was sort of done too.

Ironically, he’s someone who externally seemed to have it all together. Friends and acquaintances think he’s a terrific person, and he is in lots of ways. Movie star looks, Ivy League education, law degree—kind, soft spoken, seemingly an easy going person (on the surface).

So I wondered what’s with the about face in our romantic life? I’m skinny and athletic, haven’t gained a pound since we got together and people tell me I look exactly the same as I did 15 years ago—not sure if they’re telling me my look is *dated*  

But over the time we’ve been together, the dynamic sort of changed. He retired from his law practice and lives with me on my ranch. I can fix plumbing, do carpentry, take care of livestock, grow fruit and vegetables—and he can do none of these things. I think over time, he felt diminished by my skill sets and had no desire to participate in the workings of rural life. He had lost the prestige of his profession and at a certain point, all he wanted to do was to sit and read books and watch TV and movies.

I cannot be sure about this hypothesis as he is not forthcoming at all about his thoughts and feelings, but I surmise this only from behavior.

Our lives are so intertwined at this point and really he is a genuinely kind, decent person—so there’s that. Also he’s extremely wealthy—at least by my reckoning. In his world, he doesn’t think he’s wealthy at all (in comparison to others far wealthier). I’ve always been someone who has scraped by, no matter how hard I tried. I ran a “successful” business for a number of years, yet my employees earned more money than I did. I’ve been a reporter for alternative weeklies, a pot grower (in my youth), a waitress, salesperson—you name it. I always seemed to land on my feet, but never made much progress.

So “content” is something I generally feel, though I do strive to make things better. But I can only change me—not him. With what I’ve learned here, we typically get along well.

Thinking back, the outward expressions of BPD horrified me at first. How can such an intelligent person behave that way? And the drinking. I had no idea what I had signed up for. He certainly didn’t fully display those behaviors at the outset, though there were clues that I was too oblivious to note—too caught up in the feeling I’d finally met my soulmate.

[MatchaGirl]

Some years ago, long after the honeymoon phase wore off, my husband said, “I don’t trust you.”

These were perhaps the four most hurtful words I’ve ever heard from someone I loved. Both of us had previously been cheated upon by partners and devastated by the
So “content” is something I generally feel, though I do strive to make things better. But I can only change me—not him. With what I’ve learned here, we typically get along well.
Thinking back, the outward expressions of BPD horrified me at first. How can such an intelligent person behave that way? And the drinking. I had no idea what I had signed up for. He certainly didn’t fully display those behaviors at the outset, though there were clues that I was too oblivious to note—too caught up in the feeling I’d finally met my soulmate.

Oh wow. Wow. Thank you for sharing. It’s both hopeful and painful.

My husband is also attractive, highly educated and successful. I’m no slouch myself but his BPD likes to remind me that I’ll never make what he does. Like yours, everyone LOVES him. Thinks he’s a “great stand up guy”. And he is. Underneath the BPD.

Our courtship was magically intense- what I now know is “love bombing”, but back then just thought I’d hit the jackpot of devoted partners.

Literally the day after our wedding things started changing. The rages, demands and absolutely bizarre accusations. I noticed after a few months that the rages have almost a script it follows. It’s always the same accusations verbatim. I can quote them at this point. He quickly lost interest in our romantic life as well after we had our child.

I demanded he get therapy. He did.  On and off for years. 5 therapists and 2 marriage counselors. No diagnosis. No improvement. Partly because he wasn’t telling the whole truth. Partly because BPD seems to go undiagnosed in men a lot. FINALLY, someone figured it out. Got a triple diagnosis of BPD, Bipolar and Chronic PTSD. Started a hard 6 months of trying to find the right meds for him.

The rages are more muted now. But the accusation script still comes out. Usually when he’s stressed. Something inside me snapped at the last one and I said “get this under control or I’m out.”

He found a therapist who knows DBT and has put himself on a rigorous regime to control. But as I said in my OP, there’s not much left. Just roommates who tolerate each other. Which is an improvement over being verbally abused. But still not the partnership I signed up for.

What has ALWAYS hurt me the most is how quickly he can turn the rages off IF he WANTS to! He can be “out of control rage” At me and then The phone rings and he immediately stops. Easy as flipping a switch. To me that says he has WAY more control than he lets on and on some level he’s partly choosing to hurt me.

[Cat Familiar]

What has ALWAYS hurt me the most is how quickly he can turn the rages off IF he WANTS to! He can be “out of control rage” At me and then The phone rings and he immediately stops. Easy as flipping a switch. To me that says he has WAY more control than he lets on and on some level he’s partly choosing to hurt me.

Isn’t that amazing?

One of the funniest episodes of this behavior that I remember (good to have a healthy sense of humor when you live or interact regularly with a pwBPD) is having lunch at a swanky outdoor restaurant with my exBPD husband and my BPD mother.

During the meal, my mother alternately went from yelling at my H and me, then becoming syrupy sweet when the wait person showed up. I wondered what the other diners there were thinking.

At that point, my exH’s BPD had yet to manifest fully, but undoubtedly my mother recognized it before I did. Takes one to know one I guess. 

[FarDrop77]

It's amazing to me how familiar this all is.  Like the script of things they say ... and how they can switch from anger to sweetness as soon as a 3rd party appears.

I feel like the loneliness is the worst, though ... like I gradually was trained so that I can never express my deepest feelings with her or they'll get turned against me. Or even really talk to her about any serious subject that needs to be discussed - it so often spirals into some kind of other, dramatized version of things.  And then the realization that I've never really seen the real her behind all this, and that she's never seen the real me, either.  She's in another reality.

I think it's amazing that @MatchaGirl's spouse is in therapy.  I wish my wife would even consider it.  Like I feel if she was even *able* to consider it, that would be game changer.

[waverider]

One other aspect of that switch is that you are still getting over the hurt that's thrown around, yet they just switch it off, and act like everything is sweet now and they act like are the adult who has "got over it" while you are being childish and holding a "grudge". So you become the double victim...

This happens because they dont "get over it" they have processed nothing, they just quarantine it, and lock it away in the back of their mind to bring it out again on demand as extra weight on top of some other drama. pwBPD don't self soothe or work things through, they just switch it on or off as the emotion of moment dictates

[MatchaGirl]

One other aspect of that switch is that you are still getting over the hurt that's thrown around, yet they just switch it off, and act like everything is sweet now and they act like are the adult who has "got over it" while you are being childish and holding a "grudge". So you become the double victim...

This happens because they dont "get over it" they have processed nothing, they just quarantine it, and lock it away in the back of their mind to bring it out again on demand as extra weight on top of some other drama. pwBPD don't self soothe or work things through, they just switch it on or off as the emotion of moment dictates

YES! This! Exactly this!

[MatchaGirl]

I think it's amazing that @MatchaGirl's spouse is in therapy.  I wish my wife would even consider it.  Like I feel if she was even *able* to consider it, that would be game changer.

I really and truly hope she does. But I will say that for us, it wasn’t the game changer I thought it would be. He’s been in and out of therapy for 7 years. For 6 years nothing changed, not even a little bit. If anything it got worse. It’s only been these last few months after I dropped a very real ultimatum of get a therapist who actually understands BPD and find better meds for the bipolar or I’m leaving. And I mean it. I have a plan in place to go.
I now also attend a session with him about every 6 weeks to tell the therapist what’s going on from my perspective.
I don’t say this to discourage you. I had really hoped therapist after therapist was going to be the big fix and it never was because he was just going through the motions to appease me and not fully disclosing his symptoms or executing any of the exercises.

[waverider]

I really and truly hope she does. But I will say that for us, it wasn’t the game changer I thought it would be. He’s been in and out of therapy for 7 years. For 6 years nothing changed, not even a little bit. If anything it got worse. It’s only been these last few months after I dropped a very real ultimatum of get a therapist who actually understands BPD and find better meds for the bipolar or I’m leaving. And I mean it. I have a plan in place to go.
I now also attend a session with him about every 6 weeks to tell the therapist what’s going on from my perspective.
I don’t say this to discourage you. I had really hoped therapist after therapist was going to be the big fix and it never was because he was just going through the motions to appease me and not fully disclosing his symptoms or executing any of the exercises.

Agree therapy over the years has not been a game changer for us. Its almost like attending a course to learn a new language to better communicate and all my partner does is go there with the intention of convincing someone why she doesn't need a new language as everyone else just needs to stop talking to her funny. Achieved nothing, except picking up new distorted reasoning and magic medication cure obsession, and of course eventually to add another therapist name to her list of bullies causing PTSD.

Another massive false summit let down for me. Especially as i feel invalidated as non of them would openly state her real disorder to her, but rather say nothing other than utter reassurances, and hence it is taken as validation that whatever she was dreaming up is real as it wasn't openly rebuked. That left me in the position of the "only person on the planet" who thinks she has a disorder in her eyes.

[FarDrop77]

Achieved nothing, except picking up new distorted reasoning and magic medication cure obsession, and of course eventually to add another therapist name to her list of bullies causing PTSD.

Another massive false summit let down for me. Especially as i feel invalidated as non of them would openly state her real disorder to her, but rather say nothing other than utter reassurances, and hence it is taken as validation that whatever she was dreaming up is real as it wasn't openly rebuked. That left me in the position of the "only person on the planet" who thinks she has a disorder in her eyes.

Oh man.  When my wife said she would go to marriage counseling, I picked one that said she had experience with bpd, but then when we saw her, she said she didn't like to focus on the diagnosis.  It turned out not to matter because my wife quit after 4 sessions.  I thought maybe I had just picked wrong.  Is this the general attitude among therapists?

It is so strange to me that a part of this disorder is, like, denial of the disorder... especially in my wife's case, she admits to so many other problems, like they're each another badge of pride for why she was chosen for special suffering.

[waverider]

Oh man.  When my wife said she would go to marriage counseling, I picked one that said she had experience with bpd, but then when we saw her, she said she didn't like to focus on the diagnosis.  It turned out not to matter because my wife quit after 4 sessions.  I thought maybe I had just picked wrong.  Is this the general attitude among therapists?

It is so strange to me that a part of this disorder is, like, denial of the disorder... especially in my wife's case, she admits to so many other problems, like they're each another badge of pride for why she was chosen for special suffering.

If she had brought it up you would have quit after first session most likely.

My wife used to accept the diagnosis, but now claims it at PTSD, as that justifies the constant victimhood stance.

[MatchaGirl]

Oh man.  When my wife said she would go to marriage counseling, I picked one that said she had experience with bpd, but then when we saw her, she said she didn't like to focus on the diagnosis.  It turned out not to matter because my wife quit after 4 sessions.  I thought maybe I had just picked wrong.  Is this the general attitude among therapists?

Ive been very discouraged by therapists’ lack of understanding and skills. I  asked a friend who’s a clinical therapist a similar question. She said many therapists and even doctors “really hate treating BPD because it’s so hard”, even for them- the pros. There aren’t any medications approved for it. Doctors may still prescribe something off label like in my husband’s case but “The meds alone don’t really fix anything in the brain. Meds just kinda make the anger less explosive. Effective treatment is mostly behavioral management and changing thought patterns and most BPDs don’t think anything is wrong with the way they think and process.”

[waverider]

Ive been very discouraged by therapists’ lack of understanding and skills. I  asked a friend who’s a clinical therapist a similar question. She said many therapists and even doctors “really hate treating BPD because it’s so hard”, even for them- the pros. There aren’t any medications approved for it. Doctors may still prescribe something off label like in my husband’s case but “The meds alone don’t really fix anything in the brain. Meds just kinda make the anger less explosive. Effective treatment is mostly behavioral management and changing thought patterns and most BPDs don’t think anything is wrong with the way they think and process.”

Where does that leave you when the professionals appear to just throw in the towel and use appeasement then send them out the door?

They are dealing with deeply held beliefs, and beliefs can't be overly influenced by facts or reality. Belief is based on feeling, not always evidence based so generally you are on a hiding to nothing to change someone's beliefs, and a person feels under attack if you attempt to do so. A pwBPD is this multiplied by 100. Belief has priority, and reality is twisted to validate it so.

Inevitably you are left feeling all alone to deal with this. The endless drama and energy attempting to seek help just leaves you feeling drained and depressed.

There comes a point were to get anywhere you have to just learn to live with, and around, what is, and stop mentally draining yourself trying to change what you can't. The magic pill or Dr is not around the corner to come to your rescue.

[Cat Familiar]

They are dealing with deeply held beliefs, and beliefs can't be overly influenced by facts or reality. Belief is based on feeling, not always evidence based so generally you are on a hiding to nothing to change someone's beliefs, and a person feels under attack if you attempt to do so. A pwBPD is this multiplied by 100. Belief has priority, and reality is twisted to validate it so.

Inevitably you are left feeling all alone to deal with this. The endless drama and energy attempting to seek help just leaves you feeling drained and depressed.

There comes a point were to get anywhere you have to just learn to live with, and around, what is, and stop mentally draining yourself trying to change what you can't. The magic pill or Dr is not around the corner to come to your rescue.

THIS! 100%

There’s grief to process when you realize that the person you fell in love with was a mirage—a phantom who validated you excessively and mirrored your best qualities.

After you come to terms with that, then you are left with the question—Is this the person I want to spend my life with?

Depending upon circumstances, it can be a manageable relationship, but certainly not the relationship you had expected from what you perceived at the outset.

Everyone brings baggage to a relationship, some easier to tolerate than others. When you evaluate the pros and cons, keep in mind that what you see now is what you will be dealing with in the future. Don’t pin your hopes on *what could be* as you will inevitably be disappointed.

[FarDrop77]

They are dealing with deeply held beliefs, and beliefs can't be overly influenced by facts or reality. Belief is based on feeling, not always evidence based so generally you are on a hiding to nothing to change someone's beliefs, and a person feels under attack if you attempt to do so. A pwBPD is this multiplied by 100. Belief has priority, and reality is twisted to validate it so.

I wonder if this is the main thing that makes a person bpd vs not.  I always find myself trying to keep an open mind that my own beliefs could turn out to be fundamentally mistaken - I've been mistaken often enough that I expect it to happen again. I do notice my wife admitting to having flaws, but usually these are the flaws that support her beliefs ("I am the black sheep," "I am unattractive", "I am a terrible cook"), and fulfill some kind of narrative she is building up.

Perhaps if when you see someone cling to any given belief - even when they are correct - that person is more likely to have bpd tendencies as well.  And are there methodologies for helping people become more open to other possibilities?

[Outdorenthusiast]

THIS! 100%

There’s grief to process when you realize that the person you fell in love with was a mirage—a phantom who validated you excessively and mirrored your best qualities.

After you come to terms with that, then you are left with the question—Is this the person I want to spend my life with?

Depending upon circumstances, it can be a manageable relationship, but certainly not the relationship you had expected from what you perceived at the outset.

Everyone brings baggage to a relationship, some easier to tolerate than others. When you evaluate the pros and cons, keep in mind that what you see now is what you will be dealing with in the future. Don’t pin your hopes on *what could be* as you will inevitably be disappointed.

Oh man does that grief SUCK!  It also never fully goes away.  Mentally I had to process it like she died and is never coming back.  Full on mourning with all the trimmings.  At times like a loved one who has passed, you have memories that surface good, and bad - but they are just that - memories.  I am now 18 months into the grieving process.

If you can find emotional fulfillment in friends - this is a HUGE positive coping mechanism.  Receiving emotional validation in my experience is so important but likely is not going to happen from your SO.  That hope was a hard one to let die for me.  I would be miserable without my running club and good friends.

The emotional detachment and building up the new skill of indifference has also been a hard one for me.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.  I will be waiting on the roller coaster platform when they are done with the ride - I refuse to ride anymore.  Healthy boundaries are my fierce friend.

Lonely - an appropriate yet inadequate way to describe a feeling of knowing you are with someone - but also emotionally alone.  I rationalize - there are lots of bachelors out there, but they survive with friends, hobbies, and good books - I should be able to do so also.  Worst case it is excellent practice if I change my mind in the future on what I find fulfilling.  For now, the pros of providing a stable home for my kids tips the scales to more pros than cons.  However it is not the only reason to stay.

[palesaints]

Just that word, "loneliness," made me open this post.  I am so sorry you're in this, and I can't offer any words of advice, just the feeling of solidarity.
There are so many layers to the loneliness with my (diagnosed) BPD partner.  Within our relationship I'm alone.  Half the time I've annoyed him or upset him in some way.  I've never been with someone I can't just BE with.  We spend a lot of time together, and he's not close with many other people.  I so often see other couples out in public, being sweet and affectionate with one another and I really long for that.  Earlier today he became mad at me and started listing all sorts of things I do that make him angry.  It's so hard not to upset him.  No matter how hard I try, I miss something, and he goes off. 
Anyway, I finally just asked him if there was anything he actually liked about me.  He replied that he didn't know anymore.

The other layer of loneliness exists outside of our relationship, in my friend circle.  While I do have a few friends I've told about his BPD, and they listen and try to offer advice, they just don't understand.  I often find it hard to tell them about any of this because it just sounds crazy.  They will just ask why I stay with him. 

[Outdorenthusiast]

Just that word, "loneliness," made me open this post.  I am so sorry you're in this, and I can't offer any words of advice, just the feeling of solidarity.
There are so many layers to the loneliness with my (diagnosed) BPD partner.  Within our relationship I'm alone.  Half the time I've annoyed him or upset him in some way.  I've never been with someone I can't just BE with.  We spend a lot of time together, and he's not close with many other people.  I so often see other couples out in public, being sweet and affectionate with one another and I really long for that.  Earlier today he became mad at me and started listing all sorts of things I do that make him angry.  It's so hard not to upset him.  No matter how hard I try, I miss something, and he goes off. 
Anyway, I finally just asked him if there was anything he actually liked about me.  He replied that he didn't know anymore.

The other layer of loneliness exists outside of our relationship, in my friend circle.  While I do have a few friends I've told about his BPD, and they listen and try to offer advice, they just don't understand.  I often find it hard to tell them about any of this because it just sounds crazy.  They will just ask why I stay with him. 

Welcome pale saints - you are not alone.  That feeling of loneliness is real and has been weighing on me a lot this week too.  This is a great group of individuals who “get it” just to vent if necessary, and depending on the board won’t say “why don’t you leave.”  We all know it is complicated, and each person has their relationship journey and reasons for their path.  This is a great place for coping mechanisms and also solidarity and validation.  What you are experiencing- I have also experienced.  The laundry listing of faults is always a fun one.  One day I walked away after a tirade about how I can’t fold or properly place a blanket on a couch (that I have folded for 26+ yrs btw, and her “perfect way” changes about every 3 years.).   

This is a safe place.  I guess this week what makes me feel lonely is that deep emotional connection and validation of listening to what is on my mind, or what is bothering me, and empathy given by someone who cares about how I feel.  It is awkward for men to open up that way with each other, and men/women who aren’t married becomes a slippery slope of emotional affairs.  I feel alone in missing the physical hugs that are not superficial, but are accepting and fulfilling.  (Guy friends don’t hug like that, and it is inappropriate for members of the opposite sex to do that). I guess that is where I am ruminating this week.