I messed up, I think I am the problem not her

[sam_the_wise]

She is right, I always become defensive and say most cruel and hurtful things.

I am insecure about relationships and my self worth. I get angry and I say whatever comes to my mind to prove that I am not what she is saying I am

Today, she was saying I melted when my parents helped us with showing their money as funding and I was trying to tell her that all I was relieved because help came when no help was coming from anywhere.

Like. STUPID PERSON I SAID, “EVEN YOUR BROTHER COULDN’T MAKE IT”…. I totally understand how cruel it is to say that and how cheap of me… I swear I didn’t mean it out of disrespect, I just wanted to tell her how helpless I felt.

She is hurt. I hurt her. I did the same thing last year when she was criticizing me for going back on my promise of not bringing my parents to our home. I brought her mother in argument for no reason and said if your mother comes I will also feel the need for connecting to my mother. But it was uncalled for as her mother or she never insisted on me not bringing my parents in, it was I who made that promise, on my own and I went back on it and I insulted her mother.

When she moved  to US on second day when she was rightfully criticizing me for my hygiene and habits I became defensive and said you are not horny to her.

She is right. I have a problem. I am bad. I am selfish, PLEASE READty person.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey friend.

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I can understand how painful it must feel for you to make this post and be so self critical.

Nobody is perfect, everybody has problems, some more than others, but the best thing you can do is acknowledging them and attempting to improve. Have you told her this? It seems by what you said, that you act impulsively. If my former SO did you what you just did and talked to me, I'm sure we could have managed together and found a way to help each other.

When we are in pain, sometimes we act in or act out. It seems to me right now you are acting in. I do not know you or your past, so all I can do is act accordingly to what you say. Acknowledging your mistakes does not mean you are the only one at fault. We all mess up one way or another. I'm not saying you should be diverting your mistakes and trying to find faults on her, I'm just trying to say, don't be too hard on yourself, if you were bad, you wouldn't have thought you did anything wrong and you would not be remorseful, you are NOT bad. What you did takes a lot and if you work on improving it, regardless of your SO, you will be happier and sleep better at night.

[ForeverDad]

For the moment, let's set aside the matter of who is the problem.  You're impacted by all the conflict and painful words.  The old children's rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" obviously doesn't apply in this situation.  Words filled with emotional impact DO hurt.

Continuing with the thought not to blame one person or the other... I previously posted you would benefit greatly by seeking an independent perspective, someone who is both trained to recognize distress and who has an objective view of your stresses.

To give an illustration, you're inside a room with one window.  Your perspective is very limited.  You haven't looked outside the window at the calm park right outside the window.  But the counselor is outside and from that perspective can see both the calm park outside and you stuck inside.  The counselor is trained to open the door you don't see and invite you to step outside.  Does that make sense?

Our help is limited due to the format of remote peer support.  There are state and county agencies in your area who can either provide inexpensive sessions or give you a list of therapists and counselors in your area for you to call.  Likely if you reach out to either of those resources I gave you before (just as you reached out to us) then they can help you find local assistance.

Text resources:

741-741  Crisis Text Line & Counseling
988          Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Give yourself time to start recovering your life.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

[sam_the_wise]

A

[Pook075]

Sam, I completely agree with ForeverDad and I have the same concerns that he does- you need to focus on yourself and get out of this storm you seem to be stuck in.  You need help buddy, and the relationship that you're in has reached a level of toxicity that is no longer healthy.

For a moment, let's forget about who said what or who's right or wrong.  That stuff doesn't matter- it's just blaming someone else for something we can't deal with on our own.

Instead, let's focus on what's best for you for the next 24 hours.  What do you personally need to feel more stable and supported?  You can answer absolutely anything EXCEPT for your spouse to understand and support you.  That's not a valid answer because we know that's not going to happen today.

Buddy, you HAVE TO get outside of this destructive cycle.  We are worried about you and we want to help, but there's only so much we can do on an online forum.  You must get to a place where you feel safe. 

I know that this is a "bettering or reversing" topic and you want things to work out, we'd love to see that as well.  But you need to focus on yourself and figure out what you need to stop this abusive cycle that you're in. 

Can you promise us that you'll call someone outside the situation and talk some of this out today?  Like Forever said, it can be a free resource in your area, a local support group, a local church pastor, or even a friend or family member.  You have to get some outside help though from someone that's distanced from the situation.