I don't know what to do

[MochaMan]

  So I've been in this relationship now for 4 years.  She has so many qualities in a person that I've always wanted.  But, she doesn't see it.  I want to put what I think the issues are in this post, but I'm afraid that if I do, that I'm the problem.  I feel like I'm going crazy and everything that I was before this relationship begin is now called into question.  I'm a nerd. Always have been.  I am completing a PhD in my area of study.  Which mean I don't get out much.  I'm a loaner.  True version of an Introvert. Very few friends, Athletic, but doesn't go out at all.  However, my partner accuses me of putting her down because I'm completing a PhD...So I don't talk about my work.  Accuses me of devaluing her so I don't say much and stay in my room.  But, she will find ANYTHING to fight about and say it's my fault. I started it WTH!.  Today, like everyday I woke up to go walking and meditate.  I don't take my phone to do this.  She sent me a tasking asking to walk with me...I didn't respond. Mainly because I didn't want to fight and its a meditative walk.  I like to do it alone.  So she got in her car...drove up to me and said.
You didn't respond! thats Rude! You're rude! You treat me like Sh*t. Omg! I just want to walk. How could I attack someone for just wanting to walk alone.  Is there anyway with the BPD Population for things to improve? Is my relationship doomed? Does anyone on this site see improvements in their relationship or should I just run like hell now! Is their hope.  I just need to know if I'm wasting my time waiting for things to get better where as they don't.  I just need anyone who can give me a drop of hope to say it's possible for things to get better.  "If you just do this and this and mix this with that...you'll be fine" and I'm on it!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

She’s not going to change on her own.

Even if she gets therapy, which most people with BPD are extremely reluctant to do since it it a disorder typified by shame and self loathing, it’s still unlikely that she will change much. Some people with BPD do find success with DBT therapy, which assists in developing new patterns of thinking and self awareness, but that approach takes a very long time (years) and few are willing to follow through.

However, you, the “non,” can change the dynamics of your relationship by changing your behavioral responses. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. Much can improve and you can learn how to head off conflict and lower the temperature when your partner is becoming dysregulated.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome.  I completely agree with everything Cat said.  Changing your behavior and putting up healthy boundaries will determine if your relationship can succeed or not long-term.  There will always be challenges, but you can minimize a lot of them through better communication.

I can completely relate to your situation as well- my ex was notorious for taking an innocent statement like, "We should try to eat healthier" and in her mind actually hearing, "You're fat and I am not attracted to you anymore."  It is maddening and like you, I thought that I communicated that perfectly.  

But it wasn't what I initially said, it was how I responded to her outrageous interpretation once she became highly offended. So I'd reply with something like, "I just want us to be healthy and in better shape."  She heard, "You could care less what I say and just have to be right.  And you still think I'm fat and unattractive."  There are tools here to help avoid those types of situations that you'll have to master to turn things around.

I hope that helps!

[Cat Familiar]

I can completely relate to your situation as well- my ex was notorious for taking an innocent statement like, "We should try to eat healthier" and in her mind actually hearing, "You're fat and I am not attracted to you anymore."  It is maddening and like you, I thought that I communicated that perfectly.  

But it wasn't what I initially said, it was how I responded to her outrageous interpretation once she became highly offended. So I'd reply with something like, "I just want us to be healthy and in better shape."  She heard, "You could care less what I say and just have to be right.  And you still think I'm fat and unattractive."  There are tools here to help avoid those types of situations that you'll have to master to turn things around.

Great example, Pook!

This is a classic way that people with BPD (pwBPD) misinterpret our words and often insist we’ve said something we haven’t.

I can’t count the number of times after an insignificant disagreement with my husband that he has alleged, “You think I’m a piece of sh!t,” to which I’ve responded (on autopilot—forgetting that denials seldom work in these situations with these types of people) “No I don’t!”

Then, he has said, “Well, you said that I’m a piece of sh!t.” Never in my life have I ever said such a thing to anyone. (If I wanted to insult someone I’d use much more creative language  ). This type of thinking is an example of the underlying shame and self loathing that these people feel.

I’ve often wondered if he really thinks that I actually said what he is accusing me of saying. Then I wonder who in his past might have said that to him.

When I previously tried to pursue this line of questioning (I don’t advise doing this!) sometimes he would admit I never said that, but then he’d adamantly say, “Well, that’s what you think about me.” Talk about a no-win scenario.

[SinisterComplex]

She’s not going to change on her own.

Even if she gets therapy, which most people with BPD are extremely reluctant to do since it it a disorder typified by shame and self loathing, it’s still unlikely that she will change much. Some people with BPD do find success with DBT therapy, which assists in developing new patterns of thinking and self awareness, but that approach takes a very long time (years) and few are willing to follow through.

However, you, the “non,” can change the dynamics of your relationship by changing your behavioral responses. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. Much can improve and you can learn how to head off conflict and lower the temperature when your partner is becoming dysregulated.

To echo one of my partners in crime Cat, DBT does indeed work, but the problem is that too many view it as ok I only have to through this a few times and bam I'm cured. Yes, I say that cynically because by no means is that the case and there are many who do take it seriously, but many do not. It is a proven method though. It works, but it is a situation that it only works as good as what you put into it. The more work you put in the better the results are.

It requires years of work and consistent weekly work during those years. This is where the problems are...the dedication and longevity.

Now, while the focus is on the BPD sufferer it is imperative that the partner does work too. So as to not throw too much at you...You will see me say this very phrase on the boards...practice being firm and indifferent. Also, never be afraid to call someone on their S behavior. You have to create strong and stiff boundaries and understand that the boundaries are more for you than for the BPD sufferer.

You essentially have to have the fortitude that you are willing to walk away, but that doesn't mean that you have to or should necessarily. You just have to develop that resolute mentality of I am not going to put up with this piss poor behavior anymore and I do not want to be around it, so therefore, I am willing to do what is in my best interests for me to be happy.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Pook075]

Great example, Pook!

This is a classic way that people with BPD (pwBPD) misinterpret our words and often insist we’ve said something we haven’t.

I can’t count the number of times after an insignificant disagreement with my husband that he has alleged, “You think I’m a piece of sh!t,” to which I’ve responded (on autopilot—forgetting that denials seldom work in these situations with these types of people) “No I don’t!”

Then, he has said, “Well, you said that I’m a piece of sh!t.” Never in my life have I ever said such a thing to anyone. (If I wanted to insult someone I’d use much more creative language  ). This type of thinking is an example of the underlying shame and self loathing that these people feel.

I’ve often wondered if he really thinks that I actually said what he is accusing me of saying. Then I wonder who in his past might have said that to him.

When I previously tried to pursue this line of questioning (I don’t advise doing this!) sometimes he would admit I never said that, but then he’d adamantly say, “Well, that’s what you think about me.” Talk about a no-win scenario.

My wife did that with, "You say I never clean anything around the house!"  Never once in my life did I say that.  If I started washing dishes though and she realized that she hadn't done dishes in days, she'd demand to wash dishes and then out came her signature phrase.  That example didn't even require words from me- being helpful in my own home was what set it off.

[Collaguazo]

Hi MochaMan,

I was with my exBPD girlfriend for almost a year and things only got worse with time. Like you say, she started arguments out nothing, she was extremely jealous, always threatening me with breaking up if she found out I was talking to another girl, and tried to isolate me from my friends and family because in her mind they didn’t like her. But the worst was her emotional abuse and rage episodes.

If you still want to move forward with the relationship I would recommend:

1) Learn as much as you can about BPD, so you have better understanding of her bad and good behaviors. It’s a serious disorder, don’t underestimate it.

2) See a therapist regularly, to help you deal with the feelings of guilt. BPDs will always shift all the blame to you and say it’s all your fault. You can also try to do couples counseling.

3) You mention she has many qualities you have always wanted, that’s good but have they stayed constant during your relationship? Back to point 1, BPDs, specially at the beginning, idealize their partners and are very good at picking up other persons needs and desires (it’s called mirroring) and act accordingly. This is also important because inevitably at some point you will be devalued; you are either her favorite person or the worst that ever happened to her. That’s when the pull/push cycle begins and we start craving the idealization phase. It’s like a drug. But since she was mirroring what you wanted and not being herself, it was not real and it’s not coming back.

4) Come to terms, that even if things improve, it will not be a “normal” relationship. I saw an analogy in this forum, that it think it’s very good. Being with a pwBPD is like being with someone with a physical disability. You have to take the role of a caretaker and be aware that your partner cannot do everything you would expect.

5) Build a support network to take care of yourself because you are going to devote a lot of energy in the relationship.

Nonetheless, you have come to the right place. This forum is fantastic and you will get all the support you need whatever decision you make.