How did I not see how unhealthy this was? (Actually, I clearly did)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As I'm processing the breakup, one of the things I'm shocked by is how I didn't realize how unhealthy this relationship was in the moment. I remember being so overcome by love, so invested, so motivated to make it work, that I overlooked and over-forgave the many, many red flags. I spent a long time being gaslit, manipulated, and emotionally abused, yet I never realized what was going on.

However, as time passes, I'm starting to understand that I did know something was wrong. I have a journal that I would write things in to process when life was going badly. I've recently re-read it, and been shocked by how clear-sighted I was in the beginning of this relationship. I'm going to share a list of my top lines from my first two entries, in case others may or may not relate:

• "maybe she was just trying to get some anger out by becoming frustrated with me"
• "It shouldn't feel like I am choosing between [exdBPD] or my friends... But, for some reason, it does feel that way."
• "I don’t like identifying myself as at fault here when I have done everything I can, but I guess I will remain Mr. Nice Guy and give her a pass on that one. I hate being Mr. Nice Guy and getting stomped on.
  "
• "when she is angry/frustrated/annoyed, whether it is induced by me or someone/something else, it seems like I sometimes leave conversations feeling worse about myself"
• "Yesterday, it kind of felt like the pattern repeated and she was taking out some of her anxiety/frustration on me when all I was trying to do was be supportive... And that is not okay or sustainable"
• "Just because she is going through pain or experiencing anxiety doesn’t give her free reign to take any of it out on me. And repeatedly, that is what it feels like has happened"
• "I don’t like being Mr. Nice Guy and getting pushed to the side. I don’t like having mean things said to me. I don’t want to feel worse about myself when I try to offer support. And I don’t want to let this slide forever"
• "I want this to work. But she has treated me like PLEASE READ for 24 hours and it’s kind of tough to have the full conversation be about her trauma when I’m in pain too, specifically caused be her"
• "I need to make sure she knows this kind of treatment is unacceptable. That she can’t take her anger and her frustration and her pain out on me. And that’s kind of what yesterday felt like"

These two entries are both within 2 months of the start of the relationship. All of these are glaring indicators that I knew, at least subconsciously, that things were not right. What should normally be a honeymoon period was instead comprised with sporadic, unpredictable, torrential rain and flooding. The things she was doing were just completely unacceptable. And I knew it at the time too.

Maybe I was too patient/kind/understanding/forgiving (ie being Mr. Nice Guy). Food for thought in my road to self-rediscovery and for future relationships. Can anyone relate to realizing they actually did see the signs, but just overlooked them?

[TheRedLion]

As I'm processing the breakup, one of the things I'm shocked by is how I didn't realize how unhealthy this relationship was in the moment. I remember being so overcome by love, so invested, so motivated to make it work, that I overlooked and over-forgave the many, many red flags. I spent a long time being gaslit, manipulated, and emotionally abused, yet I never realized what was going on.

However, as time passes, I'm starting to understand that I did know something was wrong. I have a journal that I would write things in to process when life was going badly. I've recently re-read it, and been shocked by how clear-sighted I was in the beginning of this relationship. I'm going to share a list of my top lines from my first two entries, in case others may or may not relate:

• "maybe she was just trying to get some anger out by becoming frustrated with me"
• "It shouldn't feel like I am choosing between [exdBPD] or my friends... But, for some reason, it does feel that way."
• "I don’t like identifying myself as at fault here when I have done everything I can, but I guess I will remain Mr. Nice Guy and give her a pass on that one. I hate being Mr. Nice Guy and getting stomped on.
  "
• "when she is angry/frustrated/annoyed, whether it is induced by me or someone/something else, it seems like I sometimes leave conversations feeling worse about myself"
• "Yesterday, it kind of felt like the pattern repeated and she was taking out some of her anxiety/frustration on me when all I was trying to do was be supportive... And that is not okay or sustainable"
• "Just because she is going through pain or experiencing anxiety doesn’t give her free reign to take any of it out on me. And repeatedly, that is what it feels like has happened"
• "I don’t like being Mr. Nice Guy and getting pushed to the side. I don’t like having mean things said to me. I don’t want to feel worse about myself when I try to offer support. And I don’t want to let this slide forever"
• "I want this to work. But she has treated me like PLEASE READ for 24 hours and it’s kind of tough to have the full conversation be about her trauma when I’m in pain too, specifically caused be her"
• "I need to make sure she knows this kind of treatment is unacceptable. That she can’t take her anger and her frustration and her pain out on me. And that’s kind of what yesterday felt like"

These two entries are both within 2 months of the start of the relationship. All of these are glaring indicators that I knew, at least subconsciously, that things were not right. What should normally be a honeymoon period was instead comprised with sporadic, unpredictable, torrential rain and flooding. The things she was doing were just completely unacceptable. And I knew it at the time too.

Maybe I was too patient/kind/understanding/forgiving (ie being Mr. Nice Guy). Food for thought in my road to self-rediscovery and for future relationships. Can anyone relate to realizing they actually did see the signs, but just overlooked them?

[SinisterComplex]

As I'm processing the breakup, one of the things I'm shocked by is how I didn't realize how unhealthy this relationship was in the moment. I remember being so overcome by love, so invested, so motivated to make it work, that I overlooked and over-forgave the many, many red flags. I spent a long time being gaslit, manipulated, and emotionally abused, yet I never realized what was going on.

However, as time passes, I'm starting to understand that I did know something was wrong. I have a journal that I would write things in to process when life was going badly. I've recently re-read it, and been shocked by how clear-sighted I was in the beginning of this relationship. I'm going to share a list of my top lines from my first two entries, in case others may or may not relate:

• "maybe she was just trying to get some anger out by becoming frustrated with me"
• "It shouldn't feel like I am choosing between [exdBPD] or my friends... But, for some reason, it does feel that way."
• "I don’t like identifying myself as at fault here when I have done everything I can, but I guess I will remain Mr. Nice Guy and give her a pass on that one. I hate being Mr. Nice Guy and getting stomped on.
  "
• "when she is angry/frustrated/annoyed, whether it is induced by me or someone/something else, it seems like I sometimes leave conversations feeling worse about myself"
• "Yesterday, it kind of felt like the pattern repeated and she was taking out some of her anxiety/frustration on me when all I was trying to do was be supportive... And that is not okay or sustainable"
• "Just because she is going through pain or experiencing anxiety doesn’t give her free reign to take any of it out on me. And repeatedly, that is what it feels like has happened"
• "I don’t like being Mr. Nice Guy and getting pushed to the side. I don’t like having mean things said to me. I don’t want to feel worse about myself when I try to offer support. And I don’t want to let this slide forever"
• "I want this to work. But she has treated me like PLEASE READ for 24 hours and it’s kind of tough to have the full conversation be about her trauma when I’m in pain too, specifically caused be her"
• "I need to make sure she knows this kind of treatment is unacceptable. That she can’t take her anger and her frustration and her pain out on me. And that’s kind of what yesterday felt like"

These two entries are both within 2 months of the start of the relationship. All of these are glaring indicators that I knew, at least subconsciously, that things were not right. What should normally be a honeymoon period was instead comprised with sporadic, unpredictable, torrential rain and flooding. The things she was doing were just completely unacceptable. And I knew it at the time too.

Maybe I was too patient/kind/understanding/forgiving (ie being Mr. Nice Guy). Food for thought in my road to self-rediscovery and for future relationships. Can anyone relate to realizing they actually did see the signs, but just overlooked them?

So...most here had the same feelings and I am pretty sure most here will relate to you in realizing they saw the signs but blew right past them. Hence why they are members here.

However, don't spend too much time picking yourself apart. A lot of this was out of your control. Just focus on the things you can control and the things you can improve upon.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Collaguazo]

Hi TheRedLion,

Thanks for sharing, if I had one, my journal would look pretty similar to yours. I too overlooked way too many things or tried to rationalize them one way or another.

I think a lot has to do with the fact that we were overloaded with love, attention and desire. My ex also presented herself as vulnerable and wounded.

Thus, when she started to show her BPD behaviors she would quickly apologize and share a deep personal experience of her previous relationships. I thought to myself, don’t worry I am going to protect you and take care of you.

Finally, another important thing to consider, is that at the beginning they don’t know us very well yet to attack our weak points so for example even though she snapped at me for something trivial, it didn’t hurt me and I rationalized it with external events.

When she got to know me better she learned my weak points and preyed on my insecurities. I was now truly trapped by the emotional abuse.   

As lessons learned for future relationships? That’s a good question. So far I feel I barely got anything positive out of this experience. Perhaps that I learned to be more expressive and affectionate.

[Augustine]

Can anyone relate to realizing they actually did see the signs, but just overlooked them?

“I’ve learned from my mistakes, and I am sure that I can repeat them exactly.”

Yes, we’re all guilty.

In my instance, the early peculiar behaviour could easily be explained away, and attributed to anything other than a disorder. 

Towards the end, it was all disorder all the time, and every day was like being ground under the tracks of an Abrams main battle tank.

I used to joke that if a woman found my company agreeable, then I had just cause to fear for my well-being.  Well, after multiple self-sacrificial, exsanguinating, excoriating relationships, that “joke” of mine is no longer funny.

Going forward, don’t crucify yourself, as anyone could easily have been sucked into that relational black hole.




 

[Matty]

These thoughts/feelings were happening two months into the relationship? Wow, thats surprisingly fast. I didn’t start to have these things happen until about three months into the marriage (nine months into the relationship). There were one or two early warning signs that I chalked up to a slightly indulged, spoiled, immature upbringing in a wealthy and privileged family but it wasn’t until after the marriage where I started to have significant concerns and exactly what you described became the normal day to day experience. Like the RedLion stated, constantly being ground under the tracks of an Abrams tank.   

Just before we moved to my next overseas assignment (which is why we got married quickly), I was organizing the packing up of the house and she threatened to take all her stuff and move back to her mother’s house and I had lost all patience at this time and just left the house for work. Later that day her best friend called and said come quick, I’m not sure if she is breathing. When I got there, they had been drinking, my wife got drunk, had thrown up and passed out but was breathing. As she came to, she was still very drunk and started wailing about how she wanted to join her dead father and calling out for her younger brother whom she adored. This went on for about 10 minutes and I remember thinking: there is are some serious issues/trauma here. Months later the psychologist would explain to me why she thought my wife was sexually abused and as a child and it fit with other things she had told me. I don’t know who the abuser was but it clearly messed up her life. I have significant empathy for what has happened to her and her disorder but you have to set boundaries as its just not possible to weather the verbal abuse indefinitely or you’ll lose yourself completely. 

[Augustine]

…you’ll lose yourself completely. 

How to completely summarize a BPD relationship in four words.^

My internal dialogue in the last year:

“I can’t take this anymore.”
“God, please make it stop!”
“Oh no, please don’t start this again.”
“Good Christ, what is wrong now?”
“Please, please, please shut-up”
“Oh no, she’s crying again.”
“Holy sh!t, why is she screaming?”
“Good Lord, aren’t you grateful for anything?”
Referencing Sins of the father… “What the hell did my dad get up to?”


When an opportunity presented itself to end the relationship, I needed 1x10^(-15) of a second to deliberate.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Towards the end, it was all disorder all the time

It's amazing how true this is.  I didn't put up with this and got discarded.  A person who is high functioning in normal life became low functioning in a romantic relationship.  I just didn't have the skillset to recognize it at the time. 

[SinisterComplex]

It's amazing how true this is.  I didn't put up with this and got discarded.  A person who is high functioning in normal life became low functioning in a romantic relationship.  I just didn't have the skillset to recognize it at the time. 

Most don't have the skill set so it's nothing to feel lacking in or feel bad about. At the end of the day it truly depends on how you want to live your life and how much maintenance you want to put up with. So in essence, if you use the perspective of looking at it in general terms as opposed to a partner with a disorder it makes it a bit easier to detach from the situation and look at it with a pros and cons mind set.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[GlennT]

...you'll lose yourself completely.

 Just because we became overly-reliant on the attitudes of mentally ill people, we could not reason with, does not mean we  lost ourselves completely. We knew we have made an ill-considered, bad life choice, when the emotional safety net they initially  promised us, strangled us, or was no longer forthcoming. We became a boiling frog caught in the water, by degrees, but somehow, we struggled and jumped out before  we were entirely ruined.  Feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and pessimism, about life and love may endure for many afterward, and this is why I must now say, although the boat-load of knowledge here will help, we may also need professional help, along with medication, because  we may greatly benefit by that also.

[Collaguazo]

...you'll lose yourself completely.

 Just because we became overly-reliant on the attitudes of mentally ill people, we could not reason with, does not mean we  lost ourselves completely. We knew we have made an ill-considered, bad life choice, when the emotional safety net they initially  promised us, strangled us, or was no longer forthcoming. We became a boiling frog caught in the water, by degrees, but somehow, we struggled and jumped out before  we were entirely ruined.  Feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and pessimism, about life and love may endure for many afterward, and this is why I must now say, although the boat-load of knowledge here will help, we may also need professional help, along with medication, because  we may greatly benefit by that also.

This captures exactly how I am feeling. Sadness, inadequacy and pessimism.

I spent 5 years climbing out of a black hole after some life changing events and just when I was finally seeing the light by meeting my ex, everything came crumbling down.