Sister lashed out and has silent treatment me again

[sisterubpd]

Hello, this is my first post so I apologize if it's long. I need to know Im not alone with my BPD sister's silent treatment and find advice on how to end contact. This current silent treatment started when she said she couldn't come uptown with me because she was "throwing up blood again" so I suggested to go to ER, a walk in clinic, call 911 because thats serious. She said she would "rather die than go see a doctor" , so I said "yes, you will die as throwing up blood is a medical emergency!". A week goes by with no text, no calls, ignored my "are you ok?" , "I can take you in?" until June 28th she texted me after I sent "Hope you are better, haven't heard from you for a few days" Her reply was "...try many days, you told me to go die". I never said that! I tried to explain to her that I said she will die without a dr, not that I told her to go die, her reply was in summary, that Im a narcissist, pyscho and its painful punishment to talk to me and that she wants me to bleep off and leave her alone, and that I never respect her wishes to "get a break" from my awfullness. I never told her I wanted her to die, and never once disrespected her non-existent request for me to "leave her alone". The night prior to her morning text, we were talking about what time Id pick her up, nothing I can see that would trigger her to not want to go. The twisting words about wanting her dead is typical of BPD, I know that but I am at my last "silent treatment" with her and am looking for a way to respond when she deems me a sibling again. I want to keep no contact, but am afraid of her reaction to anything I say in reply. The book "Stop walking on egg shells" really seemed in summary, to say to meander to the BPD and basically kiss their fragile ego during a silent treatment to wean the BPD back, but Im so done with her. I want a clear way to respond to her text that allows me freedom to live my life without fear of her retaliation. I can not keep living with wondering what she will pick apart next to suit her next "banishment" from  me. I have stated to her in the past that I will not engage in her dysfunctional behaviour, and that when she can treat me like a person to call. Well, thaaaat triggered a six month ignore, a broken wheel off my lawn mower, a long scratch on my car, and my mail box tampered. She lives a block away with my older sister who goes along with whatever she does, she is 46 , Im 48. I need to know Im not alone in this as it feels like I am and what has worked with you to end ties but not get the BPD upset to the point of vandalizing my items again.

[Methuen]

You are definitely not alone. 

Consider installing driveway cameras maybe, so you have evidence of her committing these acts?  Then you could go to the police and charge her.  It's not as radical as it sounds.  We would do this with any other trespasser we had evidence of damaging our property.

As for responding to the silent treatment, my best advice is to enjoy it.

Whenever she decides to reach out again, you don't have to respond.  Or you can tell her it's not a good time.  Or you are just busy.  Or you need a longer "break", but you are confident she is well, or glad to hear she is well.  And leave it at that.

If it means losing the relationship with your other sister, so be it.  I know my mom and her sisters.  They are all trauma bonded but they also drive each other crazy.  My guess is your two sisters drive each other crazy too.  And the non BPD one needs to figure this out on her own.  Do not get on the triangle is my advice.  Stay off the triangle.

Just adjust to the quiet, and in time you will feel better about being ghosted.  Just think of the peace.

[TelHill]

You are not alone. A visible security camera is a big deterrent to would be vandals.  Your sister might think twice about keying your car if she sees a camera pointing at her.

It's a real challenge to maintain a relationship with a disordered close relative. Have had to go no contact with almost all. My mom is dBPD. I don't have a sister but have an older female cousin who could not hold a job or maintain friendships. She has acquaintances from her church.

I felt sorry for her so would help her out with homeowner admin stuff since we live in the same city. Her parents passed away and she inherited the family house.

It was a big mistake to help. Unknown to me until much later, she gossiped about me to a church friend who was a clerk at my workplace. I went no contact and want nothing to do with her ever. I value my career.  I assume this relative is uBPD for doing something unprovoked that could destroy my work reputation.

Be careful with your sister.  The older those with BPD get, it seems they can do more damage.

[sisterubpd]

Thank you for your replies, but I don't have any intention to reach out to my sister ever again. She does these "banishments" whenever she thinks I say, or do something to trigger her emotionally charged BPD reaction. My question is, when she reaches out to me again and acts like she said nothing wrong again, how do I respond in a way that wont trigger another vandlism? If I outright ignore her, which I have tried to in the past, she shows up at my door, or drives by my home. She will stand on her patio (theres a row of houses between us but can see each other) and if she sees me, she will scream my name until I text her. If I play along again and brush her verbal abuse aside again, then the cycle simple repeats itself. Im asking here if anyone successfully told the BPD sibling to stay away and the sibling respected your request, if so what did you say that didnt trigger a BPD rage? Setting boundaries doesn't work, yes I have two security cameras but if she is on a triggered rage, cameras wont deterr her. If anyone successfully said the "right thing" to cut ties, what did you say?

[TelHill]

Sorry for not reading correctly.   There are no right words with my dBPD mom or PD cousin. It seems to cause more drama and odd behavior than understanding from them.

To be honest, the right words and phrases don't exist. They have a mental illness and the problem lies with that. I think you are  looking for a unicorn. People with BPD will do what they want throwing reason out the window. . It is usually really wild behavior.

It has been effective for me to ignore unreasonable or crazy behavior like your sister screaming your name on her patio. They want attention and control. More often they stop when they don't get that.

Methuen had a good idea to involve the police with security video.  She's an adult and she's committing a crime.  It may give her a shock and she'll stop trashing your car to avoid further punishment. They'll require her to pay for repairs.

[beatup]

Block her texts and maybe a restraining order? You can give her a heads up or not.

[PearlsBefore]

You've correctly identified one of the problems with "Stop Walking on Eggshells"; there are two types of BPD books, those written to be popular and not offend, and those written solely to help.  You can guess where Eggshells falls, similarly "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and a few of the other popular titles have the same problem. It arises from Linehan's DBT theory, that therapy works if it reduces resistance from the patient even by warping reality for them. I'm not its biggest fan.

Fjelstead isn't bad, but check out our "Book Reviews" subforum for the best advice on what to read

[sisterubpd]

Block her texts and maybe a restraining order? You can give her a heads up or not.

Thank you, and everyone, for the suggestion about involving police, however she has had police called on her from neighbors in her past and she always goes into victim mode, blames them, lies, and gets much much worse. Maybe her BPD is different from people here who are involved with a sibling, but calling police on her will result in an attack from the sister living with her as well as harassment from our parents. My husband and I have decided its best to put our home for sale and cut ties. Thank you all for your honest replies. Take care

[TelHill]

So sorry it came to this.  It makes sense considering what you said. Hope all goes well for you!

[beatricex]

"Stop texting and emailing my husband and I" (then blocking on all devices) worked to end those forms of communications.  She showed up at my house only once that I know of since.

Have you actually told her to stop?

b

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you, and everyone, for the suggestion about involving police, however she has had police called on her from neighbors in her past and she always goes into victim mode, blames them, lies, and gets much much worse. Maybe her BPD is different from people here who are involved with a sibling, but calling police on her will result in an attack from the sister living with her as well as harassment from our parents. My husband and I have decided its best to put our home for sale and cut ties. Thank you all for your honest replies. Take care

I’m just glad I read that correctly: that you are putting your home up for sale!
That’s the best boundary you can get.
My toxic family live in a different continent but my parents too use to harass whenever there’s a conflict with a sibling. I’ve blocked the entire family and they can only access me via emails. Guess what they don’t.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing. I pray you are moving very far away, it will only get worse as your parents get older.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you for your replies, but I don't have any intention to reach out to my sister ever again. She does these "banishments" whenever she thinks I say, or do something to trigger her emotionally charged BPD reaction. My question is, when she reaches out to me again and acts like she said nothing wrong again, how do I respond in a way that wont trigger another vandlism? If I outright ignore her, which I have tried to in the past, she shows up at my door, or drives by my home. She will stand on her patio (theres a row of houses between us but can see each other) and if she sees me, she will scream my name until I text her. If I play along again and brush her verbal abuse aside again, then the cycle simple repeats itself. Im asking here if anyone successfully told the BPD sibling to stay away and the sibling respected your request, if so what did you say that didnt trigger a BPD rage? Setting boundaries doesn't work, yes I have two security cameras but if she is on a triggered rage, cameras wont deterr her. If anyone successfully said the "right thing" to cut ties, what did you say?

The right thing to say is to say nothing at all and do what you have to do without providing explanations. If that involves the police then do so without warning.
What’s been helpful in dealing with my disordered family is taking actions to protect myself without explanations. Being unpredictable, takes a lot of practice and you may feel uncomfortable at first.
Don’t explain to them why you’re selling your home, you do not owe them anything and I’m guessing you have explained enough already and it got nowhere.

[Methuen]

Maybe her BPD is different from people here who are involved with a sibling, but calling police on her will result in an attack from the sister living with her as well as harassment from our parents. My husband and I have decided its best to put our home for sale and cut ties. Thank you all for your honest replies. Take care

The problem I see there is she may try to follow you, because they seem to always need a caretaker. Sometimes when we run from a problem it can follow us if we don’t stand and face it. But you know your situation best. Still, if you decide to go through with this, my advice is to complete it all with integrity. I like the advice already given here about not explaining or giving reasons for the move.  That is sound advice.

Did you ask her to stop yelling at you through the neighborhood?  What happened?

I shake my head at the lengths we all go to.  If only others -community and society- understood! Not having the lived experience is truly an example of “ignorance is bliss”.

Best wishes.

[TelHill]

My extended family (not my foo) ganged up to harass me shortly after my ex husband died.  They are thugs and lowlifes. They can't easily get to my home and I have security cameras.  I went immediate and permanent nc with them.  No explanation and no reply from me  when they reached out via email. I think that's what's happening to ubpdsister.

Her sister is prone to violence. The other family members may be condoning (enjoying?) the violence by harassing the poster when she reaches out to them for help.

Peace of mind and freedom from harm come first.  Going away quietly and being forgotten helps. Just my take on this.  <3