Looking for guidance to not get hurt.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

I'll try to explain this complicated situation as clear and brief as I can.
I'm a 34 year old man and I basically broke up with my Girlfriend (39) who suffers from BPD, but our relationship which lasted 2 intense years is not over yet.
There are 3 main reasons I couldn't continue the relationship as it was.

1
In the two years she did a few suicide attempts, of which only one was 'serious' according to her.
I never got used to it, but after a few times I found myself doubting her will to die and seeing them as a tool to keep me with her, and the next moment I could see she is in incredible pain and that life wore her down.
The switching between feeling manipulated and genuine fear is confusing, painful and exhausting.

2
Her need for attention from other men, promiscuous behavior, triangulation and again the confusion as to believing her words or actions.
Basically I don't trust her when I'm not around and having to be so suspicious is no way to live.

3
Revenge in tenfold.
I understand that she can feel a lot more emotional pain for much smaller problems.
When I unintentionally hurt her feelings she in turn feels justified doing something that would be the equivalent in emotional pain to me.
She feels that its only fair or exactly the same when one thing is in reality much more damaging.
I tried explaining it with a metaphor: I understand that a slight tap can feel like a sledgehammer to you, but if you hit me with a sledgehammer in return to show me how much it hurts I get seriously hurt beyond the emotional comparison.
She understands the metaphor and agrees, but in real life examples the pain causes a knee-jerk reaction it seems.

Now here comes the part where I don't want to leave her completely.
She is accepted at a life ending clinic, within two years time she will get her freedom as she calls it.
At first I took it with a grain of salt, I do believe she is tired of the pain, but then again I also think two years is a lot of time to change her mind.
And I can't shake the feeling that it might also be a way to keep me.
But, here is why I now believe she will continue with it and that I should take it seriously.
She has two children (4 and 12) which are her reason to live.
In the last few years she got addicted to hard drugs and now she's losing her children to child services.
She feels like therapy isn't working as she hoped, that she might learn to get in less conflict, but that the pain won't go away.
And she lost me, I'm very confused and a little jaded, but she says I'm the love of her life and that she doesn't believe in love after me.

Now I thought I must try to think of a system, a set of rules that works for both of us and that lets me stay with her for her last two years, but without me getting in the same relationship that didn't work.
If we aren't in a fulltime relationship I just can't expect her to be monogamous, I don't want to keep getting mad at something she clearly can't help.
But giving the green light to do whatever she wants because I want to give her a good goodbye is not good for my heart.
I want to find some kind of solution so badly, as I want to believe she loves me and I would hate to make her feel abandoned in her last years.
But two years are a long time to bite my tongue.
I wish there was a way I could stay a healthy distance and yet close enough.

Any thoughts/help/idea is very welcome.

[Picklejuice]

Hello all,

I'll try to explain this complicated situation as clear and brief as I can.
I'm a 34 year old man and I basically broke up with my Girlfriend (39) who suffers from BPD, but our relationship which lasted 2 intense years is not over yet.
There are 3 main reasons I couldn't continue the relationship as it was.

1
In the two years she did a few suicide attempts, of which only one was 'serious' according to her.
I never got used to it, but after a few times I found myself doubting her will to die and seeing them as a tool to keep me with her, and the next moment I could see she is in incredible pain and that life wore her down.
The switching between feeling manipulated and genuine fear is confusing, painful and exhausting.

2
Her need for attention from other men, promiscuous behavior, triangulation and again the confusion as to believing her words or actions.
Basically I don't trust her when I'm not around and having to be so suspicious is no way to live.

3
Revenge in tenfold.
I understand that she can feel a lot more emotional pain for much smaller problems.
When I unintentionally hurt her feelings she in turn feels justified doing something that would be the equivalent in emotional pain to me.
She feels that its only fair or exactly the same when one thing is in reality much more damaging.
I tried explaining it with a metaphor: I understand that a slight tap can feel like a sledgehammer to you, but if you hit me with a sledgehammer in return to show me how much it hurts I get seriously hurt beyond the emotional comparison.
She understands the metaphor and agrees, but in real life examples the pain causes a knee-jerk reaction it seems.

Now here comes the part where I don't want to leave her completely.
She is accepted at a life ending clinic, within two years time she will get her freedom as she calls it.
At first I took it with a grain of salt, I do believe she is tired of the pain, but then again I also think two years is a lot of time to change her mind.
And I can't shake the feeling that it might also be a way to keep me.
But, here is why I now believe she will continue with it and that I should take it seriously.
She has two children (4 and 12) which are her reason to live.
In the last few years she got addicted to hard drugs and now she's losing her children to child services.
She feels like therapy isn't working as she hoped, that she might learn to get in less conflict, but that the pain won't go away.
And she lost me, I'm very confused and a little jaded, but she says I'm the love of her life and that she doesn't believe in love after me.

Now I thought I must try to think of a system, a set of rules that works for both of us and that lets me stay with her for her last two years, but without me getting in the same relationship that didn't work.
If we aren't in a fulltime relationship I just can't expect her to be monogamous, I don't want to keep getting mad at something she clearly can't help.
But giving the green light to do whatever she wants because I want to give her a good goodbye is not good for my heart.
I want to find some kind of solution so badly, as I want to believe she loves me and I would hate to make her feel abandoned in her last years.
But two years are a long time to bite my tongue.
I wish there was a way I could stay a healthy distance and yet close enough.

Any thoughts/help/idea is very welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[uncleflo]

But two years are a long time to bite my tongue.
I wish there was a way I could stay a healthy distance and yet close enough.

Though I don’t have any great advice at the moment due to me currently going through a pretty serious splitting phase (see my Oh boy post), I just want to say you’re not alone in your confusion. Please know that everyone here understands what you’re going through and you’ve found yourself in a great, supportive place. While you wait for other responses, reading through the responses of others has been of huge benefit to me and I would surmise it will for you as well.

Much love,
Uncle N

[Cat Familiar]

So you currently are not in a relationship yet you want some sort of relationship with her. Everything you’ve written here revolves around her, her feelings, her actions, her dysfunctions, her desire to end it all. What is it that you want? And what drew you to her in the first place and kept you with her, despite her bad behaviors?

[Picklejuice]

Thanks @uncleflo.

And @cat familiar.
I'm trying to form a sentence that starts with 'I want' but I can't finish one without her in mind.
Walking away is painful and staying is painful.
I'm feeling the FOG very intensely.
And I don't want to rid myself of it because it breaks my heart and I'm scared that I have to make a selfish choice.
Professional help for me is in progress.

What drew me to her?
She is very exceptional, she's funny and caring.
She's a ton of fun and we can talk/laugh for hours on end.

What kept me around?
A lot of reading and trying to understand the disorder.
I can't stay mad at her and my heart breaks when I see her helplessness.
I have a lot of sympathy towards her and her pain.

[Pook075]

About a month ago, my BPD daughter (24) broke up with her live-in partner.  It was the partner's house and my kid agreed to leave, then took her sweet time actually leaving in hopes that things would work out.  They didn't.  To complicate matters, my kid was emotionally cheating with an 18 year old who also moved into the house.  They were inseparable and my kid professed her love, all the while trying to work things out with her spouse in the exact same house.

As everyone can probably guess, this reached a tipping point when the 18 year old and the spouse actually sat down and talked this past week.  Both approached my kid and told her that she would be leaving by 2PM that day or they'd have the police remove her.  My kid shut down, became delusional and blamed everyone else in this scenario, and eventually decided that she was going to end her life unless she could get in a mental facility immediately.  That's when she called me, so I left work and rushed over there...talking with her almost the entire 1.5 hour drive. 

I get to the house and find out that both the spouse and the 18 year old tried to drive her to a mental hospital...my kid refused.  But my kid had me drive an hour and a half to drive her to the same mental hospital.  So everyone involved was being manipulated in order to gain sympathy in my kid's darkest hour.  Of course, I'm dad so I went regardless...that's what dads do.

I shared that really unpleasant story to point out that what you're accepting as plain truth is probably buried under several layers of lies and manipulations.  You're trying to find a compromise based on a set of facts that don't sound legit in the least.  Your story also has drug addiction involved which adds an extra layer of heartbreak.

My friend, I sympathize for your situation but this is literally a timebomb waiting to explode.  Even if everything is perfect between you guys for the next two years (which it won't be), she's going to choose to die and abandon you and her kids?  That's not a relationship anyone should be rushing back to and there's absolutely no scenario where you don't end up devastated.

None of us can tell you what to do here, but I would implore you to stay in therapy and insist that she does the same before any talk of reconciliation can take place.  Make a decision together when she's clean, sober, and emotionally balanced.

[Picklejuice]

Thanks for sharing your story Pook075

If it weren't for the stories I read on here and on reddit I would have gone completely insane.
Reading about how manipulative they can be over and over again helps me see what I basically already know, I'm listening to the siren's song and I will wreck myself.

Just as her ex killed himself while she was having fun with me while telling us both she loves us and that the other one was a prick who wouldn't leave her alone.
I was new and I didn't know about the relationship cycle.

Right now I think I know what I have to do.
I should snap out of the fantasy.
She has people around her and me breaking down wont help anyone.
I should somehow know by now that she says whatever someone wants to hear.

That sober and emotionally balanced conversation isn't possible.
If she wont quit for her kids then she will never quit.

I hope I can hold on to this thought, I know I've thought it before but still went back thinking she really loved me and really needed me.
I find myself switching from romantic fool when I see and hear her to jaded and hurt when I read awfully familiar stories.

It hurts and bpd sucks, I think we can all agree on that.

[Pook075]

Thanks for sharing your story Pook075

If it weren't for the stories I read on here and on reddit I would have gone completely insane.
Reading about how manipulative they can be over and over again helps me see what I basically already know, I'm listening to the siren's song and I will wreck myself.

Just as her ex killed himself while she was having fun with me while telling us both she loves us and that the other one was a prick who wouldn't leave her alone.
I was new and I didn't know about the relationship cycle.

Right now I think I know what I have to do.
I should snap out of the fantasy.
She has people around her and me breaking down wont help anyone.
I should somehow know by now that she says whatever someone wants to hear.

That sober and emotionally balanced conversation isn't possible.
If she wont quit for her kids then she will never quit.

I hope I can hold on to this thought, I know I've thought it before but still went back thinking she really loved me and really needed me.
I find myself switching from romantic fool when I see and hear her to jaded and hurt when I read awfully familiar stories.

It hurts and bpd sucks, I think we can all agree on that.

My BPD kid really loves me- I know that for a fact.  But you and I know that this isn't just about love or wonderful feelings the 5% of the time that everything in the relationship works.  It's about everyday life being together and moving forward in a healthy relationship.  If that's not there, then there's just no way for this story to have a happy ending.

I wish you the best of luck and I completely understand every last emotion you're sharing here.  I have been married to a BPD wife for almost 25 years now and the relationship completely fell apart about a year back.  Even now I second guess myself at times and I think almost everyone here does until they 100% move on.  That's so hard to do though because of the rare occasions that everything was sensational.  Trust me though, it's not enough to build any sort of foundation on.

If you don't want to give up, that's completely fine.  But go into this with your eyes wide open.  Work through therapy.  Put up clear and unmistakable boundaries...think Niagara Falls sized boundaries that separate the USA and Canada.  Name all of your breaking points and what's unacceptable (drug use, violence, jealousy, rage, proper parenting, whatever) and draw a line in the sand.  Tell her that if she crosses those lines, there's zero chance you're sticking around.  Make it plainly obvious. Then help her gain a different perspective on therapy and show her that you're working too. 

That's the only possible way it can work long term.  The thing is though, all the commitment has to come from her side...she's going to have to do all the work and make all the changes.  Your "work" is simple compared to hers.