Hi misunderstood;
Like so many other stories here, your D30's story is kind of a mixed bag. There's some positive stuff going on, in its own way -- trying to get help via hospitalizations (so, some kind of recognition that she wasn't doing okay), able to run a business in the past, does accept getting therapy, and not cutting off contact with you.
My first thought I want to "get on paper" here is one that stands out to me in a lot of posts here -- that is, a lot of times, pwBPD tell us "this is what the therapist said", or "this is what my counselor told me". I'd suggest to anyone who hears that to take whatever follows with a grain of salt. We weren't in the room and we have no idea what got said, and as pwBPD struggle with shame, they may "adjust" what was said when they tell others, to make it less shameful and less like they're the problem.
So, when I read this:
From September 2022 to December she lived alone in a one bedroom apartment while her husband continued to live in the family home.
She started another relationship with a guy who was suffering with a number of mental health issues. Her explanation was that her counselor told her to explore other people to see if her relationship with her husband was what she should stay with, or if she should move on (her explanation).
and this:
She tells me she cries most all day, can't sleep and that her psychiatrist diagnosed her with adjustment disorder. ...
She texted me yesterday that her psychiatrist recommended to her that she needed to get more sleep and prescribed sleeping pills. Today she said that sleeping was the only advise her psychiatrist has given her.
I'm wondering if you and I are on the same page that she can say that the counselor/psych said whatever, but that might not really be what was said? Especially that first statement about "I recommend that you cheat on your H and date other people, to see who you like better" (essentially) -- yeah, I'd suspect that the C may have said something like "You may need to make some decisions about if you are committed to this relationship or if you are going to choose to move on" -- and that got... filtered, to justify her shameful actions to you.
Anyway -- food for thought there.
More to the point about your core question:
I understand to validate her feelings but How can I reach out to her to discuss getting a plan together to get back to work and for her to go her house to pack up her belonging before the closing date end of August.
I reached out today (072723) and she replied
"I'm sorry I can't call. I'm having a hard time staying alive right now. I'm just hanging on."
any suggestions?
On this board (child with BPD), one of the hardest things for many parents to do is to walk alongside their children as their children make seemingly awful decisions. I'm with you -- it seems like it'd be so much better for her to try to get back to work, and, whatever happens with the house, for her to at least get her stuff out on time. Yet she's an adult, and some pwBPD need to hit "rock bottom" to get the wakeup call they need to make major changes for the better.
One approach that might balance your care for her with the recognition that she's free to make her own poor choices, could be communicating to her that whenever she's ready to bring up going back to work, you'll be there to hear her and to support her in going back to work. And, whenever she wants to reach out to you for help in getting her stuff from the house, she can just let you know, and you'd be happy to be there for her. That could be a way to "plant a bug in her ear" about those ideas, while respecting her decisionmaking. You're putting the ball back in her court -- it's no longer your job to remind her to do adult things, but you can let her know that if/when she decides to move forward, you'll absolutely be there to help.
It sounds really painful and
uncomfortable for you to watch your D go down this path. How's your support system -- family, friends, therapist? This is so much to carry on your own.
