taking smaller steps but still moving forward

[thepixies21]

This last couple of weeks have been pretty difficult. I'm dealing with a lot of grief and sadness about taking the steps I need to as far as separating and eventually divorcing from my BPDh. There was a glimmer of hope a couple weeks ago where we had a night where we talked about deep things like we used to, and I actually just cried because it felt like seeing a glimpse of this person I love that's still in there somewhere. But the alcohol use as expected has been getting worse again. We lost power with a storm this week and I came home from work to find him blackout drunk. We needed to brainstorm how to take care of our dog, deciding if we need to get a hotel or wait it out, and none of that happened with him. Like always I did it all on my own. I asked him to help at least get our dog's belongings and bags of food ready for boarding for a few days, and he was so drunk he couldn't even do that. I just watched him stumble and fall into walls, and it made me so incredibly sad. I hate watching him destroy himself. I know there is nothing I can do to stop this if he isn't willing to help himself. I finally got up the nerve to confide in my brother what has been happening, a step I've been avoiding because it would make it too "real". But after I just sobbed myself to sleep the night before I knew it was time to take more steps. It felt good to talk with him, and I think instead of moving full steam ahead into divorce I need to have the separation talk first. I know if I remove all feelings from the situation that divorce is the better option. But if I keep waiting to be ready to talk about divorce then I'm never going to take any steps, I can tell, I keep stalling, waiting for the right moment that I know is never going to come. But I know I need to do something to move forward, and I think talking about separation feels doable for me. So I'm planning on doing that after I strategize with my therapist and figure out how to say it, and start getting my ducks in a row.

I'm finally looking at myself and how I feel, something I used to never do. I am feeling so much grief with this decision. I don't know what's going to happen to him, and I just want him to be ok. But I know not leaving doesn't stop bad things from happening to him, it just delays things. And I know I can't watch this anymore, it's affecting my mental health. In a lot of ways this feels like the same grief of losing my mother 14 years ago, I didn't want to lose someone I loved, but I also feel so conflicted by the complicated parts of our relationship and the hurt that happened. Also the irony isn't lost on me that my mom died 14 years ago and I've been with my husband for 14 years. It's a pattern of a type of relationship that I think I'm finally ready to end. It's time for me to take care of myself for once. I just hope I'm strong enough to do it, and I do truly hope he will be okay, even though I know I can't do anything about that.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it is truly sad when the person you love continues to behave in self destructive ways. (Been there, experienced that, twice, with two BPD husbands).

I think the hardest part is throwing in the towel and accepting that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the horrible choices he continues to make.

For me, there has come with that acceptance, a feeling of numbness. I observe, like a disinterested spectator, the self-damaging actions, and I feel sad, but I know that that is his choice, whether he regards it as a conscious choice, and whether or not he contemplates the long-term consequences that accrue.

I don’t always manage to *stay on my side of the street* regarding dysfunctional behaviors, even though I know my interventions are almost always counterproductive. It’s definitely a high wire balancing act.

A part of me, by nature, is a rescuer. Heck, I even did EMT training to be a better rescuer. But lots of people don’t want to be rescued. It’s hard to accept when the person you love falls into that category.