Calm Before The Storm

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm sure many of us here are familiar with the cycles of BPD, especially in a co-parenting relationship. Things have been calm for the past couple of months.

Unfortunately, I messed up this morning, and "Justified" my position. Never try to do this kids. JADEing bad... Now things are spiraling out of control. I'm open to suggestions on how to bring it back on line.

Just to recap my situation. I'm in a 50/50 split with a 2, 2, 5, 5 arrangement.  We have managed to keep things out of court so far mostly because we were never married.  I managed to set it up so that I have custody every Monday and Tuesday, and she has custody every Wednesday and Thursday. Then we trade every other weekend. In our arrangement, hand over times are in the morning. We do the hand offs through day care. The day care facility is literaly three minutes from her house, but 25 minutes from my house without traffic. However, I'm willing to make the commute because this way I never have to see her, and it eliminates the potential for conflict in front of our child.

For a long time, my co-parent with BPD has wanted to change hand off times to the evening. This morning she reiterated this. I explained my position which involves a long commute for me and that she needed to compromise on the schedule because I was doing all of the driving.

She managed to turn this all around into how messed up and selfish I was. To solve the problem and get what she wants she will drive him to my house. Now she's basically given me the ultimatum that she's bringing our child to my house on Monday night or we're going to court. Until this point, I'm supposed to pick him up from day care on Monday night. I don't want my co-parent anywhere near my house, due to the potential of conflict in front of my neighbors and their kids.

I was fine with the schedule the way it was. It worked for me, now she is going to twist this all around to work for her and I will end up getting the short end of the stick again. So on top of a day care facility that is completely inconvenient for me, I have to face her every Monday night and probably worse. Plus she is going to re-arrange the schedule which will also have ramifications for work.

 The soonest I can book a session with my therapist to figure out how to handle this is Tuesday, which is obviously too late.

Any suggestions on how I can maintain our current/previous arrangement while minimizing conflict would be very helpful.

[EZEarache]

I'm sure many of us here are familiar with the cycles of BPD, especially in a co-parenting relationship. Things have been calm for the past couple of months.

Unfortunately, I messed up this morning, and "Justified" my position. Never try to do this kids. JADEing bad... Now things are spiraling out of control. I'm open to suggestions on how to bring it back on line.

Just to recap my situation. I'm in a 50/50 split with a 2, 2, 5, 5 arrangement.  We have managed to keep things out of court so far mostly because we were never married.  I managed to set it up so that I have custody every Monday and Tuesday, and she has custody every Wednesday and Thursday. Then we trade every other weekend. In our arrangement, hand over times are in the morning. We do the hand offs through day care. The day care facility is literaly three minutes from her house, but 25 minutes from my house without traffic. However, I'm willing to make the commute because this way I never have to see her, and it eliminates the potential for conflict in front of our child.

For a long time, my co-parent with BPD has wanted to change hand off times to the evening. This morning she reiterated this. I explained my position which involves a long commute for me and that she needed to compromise on the schedule because I was doing all of the driving.

She managed to turn this all around into how messed up and selfish I was. To solve the problem and get what she wants she will drive him to my house. Now she's basically given me the ultimatum that she's bringing our child to my house on Monday night or we're going to court. Until this point, I'm supposed to pick him up from day care on Monday night. I don't want my co-parent anywhere near my house, due to the potential of conflict in front of my neighbors and their kids.

I was fine with the schedule the way it was. It worked for me, now she is going to twist this all around to work for her and I will end up getting the short end of the stick again. So on top of a day care facility that is completely inconvenient for me, I have to face her every Monday night and probably worse. Plus she is going to re-arrange the schedule which will also have ramifications for work.

 The soonest I can book a session with my therapist to figure out how to handle this is Tuesday, which is obviously too late.

Any suggestions on how I can maintain our current/previous arrangement while minimizing conflict would be very helpful.

[kells76]

In the past, when she's made threats or said what she's "going to do", did she typically follow through?

How has all this been communicated -- text? email? verbal? other?

And how long has the daycare handoff been the status quo?

[EZEarache]

In the past, when she's made threats or said what she's "going to do", did she typically follow through?

75% of the time she does what she threatens to do. Especially if she sees it as a means to gain the ends that she desires.

How has all this been communicated -- text? email? verbal? other?

This morning's communication was via text. However, I think the original agreement was via email.

And how long has the daycare handoff been the status quo?

About a year and half.

[kells76]

Now she's basically given me the ultimatum that she's bringing our child to my house on Monday night or we're going to court.

What would be the worst thing that would happen if you replied to her "sorry, I'm not able to agree to those changes, and I plan to follow our agreement (attached). Of course, if you wish to set up mediation about this issue, let me know, and I'll attend. Best; EZE"

Do you think she would really want to bring things to court and would have the follow-through to make that happen?

And to be honest, would going to court really be the worst thing that could happen in this scenario?

You have a status quo for pickup/dropoff of >1 year, with documentation for what time those occur, and you have decent reasons for keeping it that way (minimizing your and your child's and exposure to conflict).

So on top of a day care facility that is completely inconvenient for me, I have to face her every Monday night and probably worse. Plus she is going to re-arrange the schedule which will also have ramifications for work.

If she believes she can threaten court and use it as a big stick to get what she wants -- and if the threat of court has power over you -- then yeah, this may happen. But what she doesn't know is that she cannot unilaterally make changes to the parenting schedule. If she can, then you can, right? And then, what's the point of it. She may think that threatening legal action gives her power. Actually, she probably has no idea that her sense of entitlement would probably be deflated in a courtroom. A judge's ruling about the parenting plan likely won't put you in a worse position than she would.

I'm wondering if you could jiu-jitsu this -- use her energy against her -- and not offer resistance to her threat to take it to court. Vibes like -- okay, we don't have agreement about changing the status quo, I plan to follow our written agreement, and I cannot stop you from taking this to court if you decide to do that.

Maybe let her make her threat and let her follow through on it and do the legwork... if she can. I suspect it won't look good for her to show up and say "he didn't agree to my demand to change our documented status quo, so make him do it my way".

[GaGrl]

Has your custody and parenting schedule been filed with the local court? If not, all is up for mediation or court filing/action.

[EZEarache]

Thank you for your well thought out response.

What would be the worst thing that would happen if you replied to her "sorry, I'm not able to agree to those changes, and I plan to follow our agreement (attached). Of course, if you wish to set up mediation about this issue, let me know, and I'll attend. Best; EZE"

Do you think she would really want to bring things to court and would have the follow-through to make that happen?

And to be honest, would going to court really be the worst thing that could happen in this scenario?

 

Hmmm… Really good question this is really helpful for my thought process. The worst thing that would happen is:

1
we’d both spend a lot of money on attorneys.

2
Another possibility is that she will use some  past history we have where she pushed my mental stability to the brink and I became suicidal and wrote a note. She waved that over my head for about 6 months until the police became involved and I had to move out.

3
She is predictably unpredictable.For example,  Today’s episode was started because I made the mistake of trying to give her a say in having our child skip from pre 1 to pre 2. She was on board, I had a few reservations, regarding child teacher ratio, and nap time. These seemed to be non-issues. She and the school also led me to believe it would be better if the kid was in the same class as a friend who is a few months older.following this morning’s conversation about nap time,  I told daycare I needed to make sure it was still OK with my co-parent. She’d already told me she was. It totally set her off. Mind you, if I’d just gone ahead and done it that probably would have sparked this also. She most likely wanted to have this discussion one way or the other. There’s no way for me to know other issues she has brewing under the surface that can totally bite me in the ass.

4
My coparent is very smart and knowledgeable about legalities. Much more so than I am. She  also has a high conflict personality. They are generally pretty adept at managing to bend the courts in their favor.

The sum of these four things adds up to a fair amount of risk.

You have a status quo for pickup/dropoff of >1 year, with documentation for what time those occur, and you have decent reasons for keeping it that way (minimizing your and your child's and exposure to conflict).

If she believes she can threaten court and use it as a big stick to get what she wants -- and if the threat of court has power over you -- then yeah, this may happen. But what she doesn't know is that she cannot unilaterally make changes to the parenting schedule. If she can, then you can, right? And then, what's the point of it. She may think that threatening legal action gives her power. Actually, she probably has no idea that her sense of entitlement would probably be deflated in a courtroom. A judge's ruling about the parenting plan likely won't put you in a worse position than she would.

I'm wondering if you could jiu-jitsu this -- use her energy against her -- and not offer resistance to her threat to take it to court. Vibes like -- okay, we don't have agreement about changing the status quo, I plan to follow our written agreement, and I cannot stop you from taking this to court if you decide to do that.

Maybe let her make her threat and let her follow through on it and do the legwork... if she can. I suspect it won't look good for her to show up and say "he didn't agree to my demand to change our documented status quo, so make him do it my way".

So I was so stressed out about this today that I contacted the attorney that helped me set up the current agreement in our initial consultation. I guess there isn’t much harm in trying to double down with the jiu-jitsu approach.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me think this through more clearly.

[EZEarache]

Has your custody and parenting schedule been filed with the local court? If not, all is up for mediation or court filing/action.

No, it has not been filed with the courts or gone into mediation. We had been successful at keeping this out of court until this point.

Are you saying that Kells76’s assertion that we have a precedent with the current arrangement is invalid?

[EZEarache]

Another thought I’ve had is I should just tell her to send me her proposed new schedule via email. She’s never done that. She’s only told me that she wants to change the handoff time until evening.

[GaGrl]

You need a filed, legal custody agreement.

[kells76]

I think two things might be true at the same time, and are also worth checking with your L:

-status quo, regardless of legal status, isn't nothing, and

-it's generally better to have a filed and legal custody agreement to protect your child and you (especially in high conflict situations)

I wonder if in your area it's possible to do non-court system mediation as a next step, if one of your values is keeping things out of court. The plusses of that would be that neutral 3rd parties would be involved and maybe would have more of a chance of making inroads with your W, and you could adhere to your desire to keep things out of court. The minuses of that would be -- your W has already shown that she believes she can unilaterally change "informal" agreements, even if you do have documentation of "but this is what we agreed on together". Also, if non-court mediation isn't successful, you may have to repeat the process with court-affiliated mediation later anyway.

...

Another thought I’ve had is I should just tell her to send me her proposed new schedule via email. She’s never done that. She’s only told me that she wants to change the handoff time until evening.

That seems smart to do in parallel to chatting with your L -- basically make her do the legwork of coming up with a proposal and creating her own paper trail. If you decide to email your request for a proposal, that email is a great candidate for BIFF formatting.

[I Am Redeemed]

Check the child custody and visitation laws in your state. A google search such as “parenting plans in z state” may turn up useful information on the steps required to obtain a parenting plan.

Sometimes, states allow parents to file a petition for a parenting plan without having an attorney, and may even appoint an attorney for those who cannot afford one (of course, an attorney you hire is probably going to work for your best interests more assertively).

[EZEarache]

Thank you for the wonderful advice everyone. It is really appreciated. I haven't heard back from the attorney, so this is more or less keeping me from spiraling through, what if scenarios. That's where my head goes every time things become extremely stressful.

I practice BIFF with everything I do these days, both personal and professional, it's changed me for the better.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that older incidents may be ignored by the court.  While there may not be a strict rule, more than once I've seen it commented here that incidents older than six months are often ignored as legally stale.  Granted, if someone is trying to establish a pattern from across history, that may include a larger range of dates.

If that paper your ex wants to wave around is a couple years old - essentially stale and out of date - but you've been successfully 50/50 for over a year, then court would be unlikely to change the status quo.

Side note, if those suicidal comments from before are of a concern, ponder this... That was a situational matter, in the midst of a failing relationship, and not an internal issue on your part.  That is a valid perspective to have.