How long does it take?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all

So far I really appreciate all the help I’ve had over the last 5 months since I was painted black (NC since then as well).

I recently went to Bali for a month which was has played a huge part in my recover as well as the anti depressants kicking in after 2 months of waiting.

The pain is definitely way less than it was but I still find I think about her every minute of the day. I can walk properly now without my legs shaking and feeling weak and I’m researching BPD way less on this site and quora which is a good thing.

Is 5 months a short amount of time with regards to getting over an exBPD? I thought I would’ve made more progress.

[SurvivalGuy]

Hi all

So far I really appreciate all the help I’ve had over the last 5 months since I was painted black (NC since then as well).

I recently went to Bali for a month which was has played a huge part in my recover as well as the anti depressants kicking in after 2 months of waiting.

The pain is definitely way less than it was but I still find I think about her every minute of the day. I can walk properly now without my legs shaking and feeling weak and I’m researching BPD way less on this site and quora which is a good thing.

Is 5 months a short amount of time with regards to getting over an exBPD? I thought I would’ve made more progress.

[once removed]

well, i dont think theres a precise answer to this. it depends on too many things. but if it helps, i dont even want to imagine where i was at 5 months. id only just discovered this place, and i was a basket case.

i think to answer your question, i would ask a few:

you say you think of her every minute of the day. what kind of thoughts?

in what ways do you want to make more progress/feel like you arent making enough?

and related to that last one, what would more progress look like to you?

[SurvivalGuy]

well, i dont think theres a precise answer to this. it depends on too many things. but if it helps, i dont even want to imagine where i was at 5 months. id only just discovered this place, and i was a basket case.

i think to answer your question, i would ask a few:

you say you think of her every minute of the day. what kind of thoughts?

in what ways do you want to make more progress/feel like you arent making enough?

and related to that last one, what would more progress look like to you?

Thoughts such as:

“Will she come back and if she did what would I say”

“I miss her”

“How genuine was her love for me”

“What could I have done better”

“Is she sleeping around”

I have this lingering feeling deep inside that the relationship is so unfinished. Like my intuition is telling me that it’s impossible that it’s completely over and she will come back. I don’t like this feeling because my brain knows it’s for the best but my gut says it’s not over.

Progress for me is being able to look back and be glad it happened because it made me stronger. Not there, hopefully I can get there.

[Augustine]

From personal experience, and if I want to be brutally honest with myself, it once took me over and  year to recover from a very bad relationship/bad breakup.

The time it takes for the memories to subside is dependent on the Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve.  The strength of the memory relates to its durability, and retention over time.

Some rumination is critical to aid recovery, but beyond a certain point, it needs to subside, otherwise it then becomes the equivalent of memorizing information for an exam. 

When I find myself being drawn into another session of rumination, I’ll overwrite those memories by memorizing some Shakespeare instead.

[SurvivalGuy]

Thanks for the response. Honesty is the best. How long was your relationship? Mine was only 6 months but a lot of love, soul connecting (well mine anyways), future talks (house hunting, baby talks), and even living with each for 2 months at the end was squeezed into that time frame.

[Augustine]

Thanks for the response. Honesty is the best. How long was your relationship? Mine was only 6 months but a lot of love, soul connecting (well mine anyways), future talks (house hunting, baby talks), and even living with each for 2 months at the end was squeezed into that time frame.

Damn, that sounds rough, mate.  It would be murder having things not work out after six months, and as you say, everything would feel incomplete.

My relationship was 10 years, and then she ran off with another guy.  It killed me at the time, and the pain was excruciating.  However, once that year had passed, and someone else entered my life, I never thought about the x ever again.

Indeed, a year after the breakup, my life was so good that my only regret was that she didn’t leave sooner!

Fifteen years later, I looked up my x, and had just cause to celebrate her decision to leave me: she had put on a bit of weight, and looked as attractive as a sumo wrestler in drag.

My latest one was eight years, and she was the worst one of the bunch. 

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for the response. Honesty is the best. How long was your relationship? Mine was only 6 months but a lot of love, soul connecting (well mine anyways), future talks (house hunting, baby talks), and even living with each for 2 months at the end was squeezed into that time frame.

The microwave relationship. Oof. Yeah it's hard and sometimes those linger longer than other more established relationships because you have the honeymoon phase mixed in there and then all the hopes and dreams, fantasies that get dashed and you are left with feelings of WTF just happened? Was it dream, a nightmare, etc.

The only way to get over it is to let go of ego and letting go of the what ifs in your mind that will never be fulfilled.

As for a time frame. I cannot answer that for you. It may take you another week, months, perhaps longer. It will depend on when you are truly ready to let go and move forward.

It's rough my friend...we get it. However, we have your back and we are with you to help you along the way.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[nowaves]

Hi!

I've stumbled upon your original story and then this thread of yours, and I'm just interested in how you are. I've just hit the 5 month mark, similar situation to yours, painted black, not a word from her up to this day. Now you're over 6 months now, how is everything going man?

Hope you'll see this post.

Stay strong!

[capecodling]

I’m in a similar situation to several of you on this thread, 4 months out from breakup, suddenly painted black, never got closure and not planning to go back.   A lot of that feeling of incompleteness you describe is just the trauma bond trying to trick you into reconnecting with your ex — a trauma bond is something your psychology thinks is “life and death” like the bond between a parent and child where not too long ago, could mean the difference between life and death survival.  As such, it wants to preserve itself and will use ruminations to try to trick you into reengaging with your ex to keep that bond alive.

[capecodling]

Fifteen years later, I looked up my x, and had just cause to celebrate her decision to leave me … she looked as attractive as a sumo wrestler in drag.

Thank you for a good laugh… I laughed harder than I have in quite a while when I read this!

[SurvivalGuy]

Hi!

I've stumbled upon your original story and then this thread of yours, and I'm just interested in how you are. I've just hit the 5 month mark, similar situation to yours, painted black, not a word from her up to this day. Now you're over 6 months now, how is everything going man?

Hope you'll see this post.

Stay strong!

Hi friend

6.5 month mark now. I ended about going back to Bali for round 2 but back in my home country now. I felt like I needed some more time away to heal. While I was there I had my first morning waking up and not thinking about her which was absolutely fantastic. I dated a lot while there and met some wonderful females

Now I’m back in my home country I am waking up some mornings and not thinking about her. When I do it hurts way less. I was triggered a few days ago when I stumbled upon a photo in my phone (I thought I deleted everything). I was hurt for the rest of the day. But I’m okay now.

Time does heal, I have a little way to go but I’m improving month by month.

Thanks for reaching my friend. How are you doing?

[Pook075]

I'm at the 13 month mark and I'm 100% over our 24 year marriage, but a part of me still thinks about our young adult kids and how hard this is on them.  For me, there were a few milestones in my recovery that I think helped me turn the corner:

1. Finding this website and realizing that I wasn't the monster being portrayed by my ex-wife.  Deep down I knew it wasn't true, but it really helped to see so many shockingly similar stories.

2. Finding myself once again was a huge change in mindset.  Who was I outside the marriage?  What the heck do I even like to do these days when I'm not with (or waiting on) my wife?  I realized that I could get back in church, eat mushrooms or pickles on whatever I wanted, go to the gym, reconnect and hang out with friends, etc.

3. Realizing that this wasn't actually about me, it was about a personality disorder and my words or actions couldn't fix things when I was painted black.

4. Realizing how alone I had felt for so long in the marriage and how little my wife did to support me.  The entire 24 years was about making her happy, fending off her next crisis, and I was truly co-dependent on her validation even though I rarely received it.

5. Realizing that the woman I was fighting to get back wasn't the woman who currently existed. That person was gone and likely never coming back.

6. Also discovering that I deserve to be loved the way I love someone, in good times and bad.

7. The icing on the cake is that my wife didn't actually want to hurt me, she was simply sick and was reacting out of self-preservation.  Our greatest problems were inside her mind and they didn't actually exist in the real world.  I can't fix that and she has my sympathy...there's no reason to be hurt or angry anymore.

I hope that helps!

[capecodling]

Hi friend

6.5 month mark now. I ended about going back to Bali for round 2 but back in my home country now. I felt like I needed some more time away to heal. While I was there I had my first morning waking up and not thinking about her which was absolutely fantastic. I dated a lot while there and met some wonderful females

Now I’m back in my home country I am waking up some mornings and not thinking about her. When I do it hurts way less. I was triggered a few days ago when I stumbled upon a photo in my phone (I thought I deleted everything). I was hurt for the rest of the day. But I’m okay now.

Time does heal, I have a little way to go but I’m improving month by month.

Thanks for reaching my friend. How are you doing?

Man its really nice to hear someone actually winning against this big nasty trauma bond.   Seriously that is how it seems to go, you have some days waking up without ruminating or where you sleep all the way through the night, then you fall back again, then you have a few more days like that.  Then you notice the ruinations, while they still may be frequent, they don’t seem to have the same knee-weakening sting they once had.   Great work, keep it up!