How to avoid the anger trap?

[Topi]

My life partner hasn’t been diagnosed ( he WILL NOT get counseling) but shows all the signs of BPD and NPD.

He’s very intelligent and somehow maintained a professional  career.

I have loved him forever and when we established a permanent household I was delirious.  You guessed it- most of the past 8 years have been mostly very very hard on me. He’s clingy, controlling, angry and needy, and gaslights the heck out of me.

I’m not the easiest person to live with either as I’m on the spectrum too. But *I’m* the one one who carries the load 95% of the time financially and emotionally. I get so ANGRY at him, especially when he’s using dope, and now I know it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So you’re wondering how you might not get angry?

If you figure that out, please let me know.   

I’ve felt a lot of anger about my husband’s former substance abuse. I felt like I didn’t sign up to be with someone who has checked out of the relationship.

Is your anger similar to this?

[Smedley Butler]

you're in a relationship, that you yourself say has been hard for all eight years, with a clingy, needy, controlling, gaslighting druggie whom you suspect to be both borderline and narcissistic - i dont think there is any way to avoid anger in a relationship like that.  you just have to ask yourself if it's worth it, i suppose.     

[Link]

Are you married to him? If not, really consider if it is worth it. I agree with Smedley