Ideas on how to deal with my “tone” and “attitude”

[Stuck2023]

So while I figure out long term what I want to do with my marriage to my uBPDh, I do want to try to make some improvements so things are smoother and better regardless.

We’re in marriage counselling and big ticket items are tabled for handling there. We’re getting better at conversations around know issue topics where I have focus, know it’s sensitive, and can apply things like SET etc which I’m reading about when I can.

I keep getting caught out though on how to address issues where “my tone has been dismissive” or “attitude that X idea is a waste of time”. I think it’s him misreading me - I’m usually either busy and distracted, or confused, when it happens. Eg asking me a question as I walk out the door to work, or raising an idea which is opposite of a previous big concern (like let’s buy this unnecessary thing when a minute ago we’re talking about money issues). He reads it differently and immediately mood swings to upset and hurt mode. Crying sometimes.

Anyone have any ideas on things to try for this? Or should I just say I didn’t intend it in that way and just let it blow over at some point?

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[waverider]

Nearly impossible to eliminate those triggers and misinterpretations. You end up being afraid to say anything if you stress too hard about it. The main thing is that you immediately realize when it has happened and wind it back in with something along the lines of calmly stating that is not the way, or tone, you meant it using empathy and affection. That is, it is easier to address potential escalations than be too afraid to speak in the first place. Its your rebuttal to their reaction that causes the real fireworks to kick off.

Trying to completely avoid BPD triggers, and pander to them, can make you a nervous wreck, and probably a self blaming one as you will invariably fail. Remember a pwBPD can come down just as quickly as they can escalate if they no longer feel under threat. The emotion is a knee jerk reaction rather than a planned strategy most of the time

[Stuck2023]

The main thing is that you immediately realize when it has happened and wind it back in with something along the lines of calmly stating that is not the way, or tone, you meant it using empathy and affection. … The emotion is a knee jerk reaction rather than a planned strategy most of the time

Thank you that helps a lot. In fact I got to try it too and the situation was much quicker to calm back down. 

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve gotten to the point where the accusation about my *tone* has almost become humorous to me. (Of course I don’t overtly show that!) Usually it’s when, like you, I’ve been in a hurry, or am thinking about something else, or not particularly interested—then I’m accused of being angry, dismissive…whatever. Inevitably the accusation is made in a derisive, contemptuous tone—projection at its finest!

I don’t engage—just “Oh, my. I’m certainly not upset—just was focused on some trivial thing. Let me give you my full attention.” Usually he then has no interest in talking further. 

[FarDrop77]

I've been trying to just stop whatever I'm doing and to look attentive regardless of what is said.  It's difficult because I'm a terrible multitasker and have trouble breaking concentration, especially when working.  But facing her a f appearing to give my attention seems to be the important part, and she's less likely to quiz me on it later.  I also try to repeat some of it back as a kind of verification.  If it's a request to do something, I immediately do it.  It just invites more accusations of not caring and such if I wait.

[Stuck2023]

Thank you for the input. Going to try some out and see what works best 

[Chosen]

As others have mentioned here, I think pwBPD demands your full attention when they're talking to you about something. I guess sounding dismissive makes them seem small and insignificant, and it triggers them. What I try to do is, if I'm busy with something else, to tell him "wait for 30 secs while I finish this, I can't listen to you properly", and then afterwards I try to give him my full attention.

However, if it's something that I don't really want to talk about (maybe he's accusing me/ somebody else of something, he's saying something that may be triggering for me), or I hear that he is trying to pick a fight, I try to remind myself to still pay attention, but just to give short answers to show him I'm listening, and not add too much of my own opinions (not to add fuel to the fire). It works when I'm in a more pleasant mood, but it's hard when I'm already busy, preoccupied with other thoughts, or already feeling triggered by what he said before.

[Stuck2023]

As others have mentioned here, I think pwBPD demands your full attention when they're talking to you about something. I guess sounding dismissive makes them seem small and insignificant, and it triggers them. What I try to do is, if I'm busy with something else, to tell him "wait for 30 secs while I finish this, I can't listen to you properly", and then afterwards I try to give him my full attention.

However, if it's something that I don't really want to talk about (maybe he's accusing me/ somebody else of something, he's saying something that may be triggering for me), or I hear that he is trying to pick a fight, I try to remind myself to still pay attention, but just to give short answers to show him I'm listening, and not add too much of my own opinions (not to add fuel to the fire). It works when I'm in a more pleasant mood, but it's hard when I'm already busy, preoccupied with other thoughts, or already feeling triggered by what he said before.

This has worked quite well in the car recently - I said something to the effect of I apologize I won't remember a lot of the conversation as I was concentrating on the bad driving conditions and it went down a lot smoother later when I blanked completely on what we'd discussed. Same on the paying attention. But wow does that get so hard to maintain when I am busy, or confused (or just really not interested in the plot line of some TV show).

[FarDrop77]

This has worked quite well in the car recently - I said something to the effect of I apologize I won't remember a lot of the conversation as I was concentrating on the bad driving conditions and it went down a lot smoother later when I blanked completely on what we'd discussed. Same on the paying attention. But wow does that get so hard to maintain when I am busy, or confused (or just really not interested in the plot line of some TV show).

I was thinking about my advice posted above the other day when my wife brought our son home from school, she informed me that he was having a rough day, then pointed out our irrigation system was leaking all over and flooding the yard.  I immediately went to shut off the valve and call the gardener, thinking I was doing a good job showing I was attentive.  But when I tried to go back inside she'd locked the door.  She'd wanted me to help comfort our son after his rough day, and by attending to the leak, all I did was prove that I found her a nuisance.  So it doesn't always work, though I think on average it still is better than delaying.

[waverider]

I was thinking about my advice posted above the other day when my wife brought our son home from school, she informed me that he was having a rough day, then pointed out our irrigation system was leaking all over and flooding the yard.  I immediately went to shut off the valve and call the gardener, thinking I was doing a good job showing I was attentive.  But when I tried to go back inside she'd locked the door.  She'd wanted me to help comfort our son after his rough day, and by attending to the leak, all I did was prove that I found her a nuisance.  So it doesn't always work, though I think on average it still is better than delaying.

Ah, the mind reader requirement. . You failed because you went the easy logical solution first to the 'add on drama", rather than the primary emotional (potential can of worms) one. You were expected to show interest in her primary concern first, even if it was only a placeholder. eg "I will go turn off the tap, and then you can tell me all about it". Calling the gardener was the last of the priorities. You can't win them all

[deadmouse]

This resonates with me. I have the exact same problem with my pwBPD. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything that can be done since people with BPD get triggered by everything and anything. At least that’s what it’s like in my case. You might get temporary results speaking like a robot, but that’s until the next trigger comes along.