BPD Sibling, please help

[Miss Informed]

Hi all,

I've never posted for help on the topic of my siblings BPD and family dysfunction before but I'm really struggling.

The last paragraph in this post is background. It was initially the first paragraph but the post has become long and I'm afraid that you will stop reading by the time you get to the part I need your help with! What I need your help with is that my brother (BPD, in his mid 20's) discovered 3 months ago that he is the father of a 3 year old child. This has been a huge shock to the family, and thankfully he himself is coping well with it, and is glad to be a father. His child has behavioral issues - severe tantrums in supermarkets, and my brother has told me he can't bring him to my house because he is very destructive, can break things / have tantrums etc. This child hasn't had an easy start to life and I really hope he will get the support he needs between his mothers family and our family.

This new situation has hyper-charged the victim mentality / manipulation / draining behaviours that existed already. I have visited as much as I can, but haven't been very involved because my brother doesn't return my calls or reply to my messages, yet complains to my parents that I'm not there for him and I don't call him enough, which is completely inverse to the truth. The whole situation is very upsetting for me as the family unit is my parents and my brother and I am totally excluded. My family don't have time for me, and when they do, it consists of my parents emotionally dumping on me, sharing the stress about my brother, or telling me the latest reasons things that I need to do differently to stop upsetting my brother (who never visits and might return one call or message out of 10).

I'm getting married soon and have asked my brother not to bring his child to the wedding. I was very anxious about the conversation but it went really well and I was hugely relieved. I framed the request in the context that he himself wouldn't be able to enjoy the day, and that the rest of our family and friends aren't bringing children as its too stressful to balance. Which is absolutely true. But also, I've been marginalised in my family for my whole life and I simply want this one day of my life not to be all about family dysfunction. My wedding would be the first time that my extended family meet this new family member, and considering the scandal surrounding the whole thing, I don't want to be looking around the room and seeing whispers and pointing (there he is, the child they just discovered!). It's just not fair to make the day all about that. Plus, I've been told that he has behavioural issues, tantrums etc. So when my brother told me that he's absolutely fine with my request not to bring him, and that he's actually relieved himself as he was stressed about the prospect of him having a tantrum in the middle of the ceremony, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. That was 2 months ago.

Just now, at 11pm at night (meaning he is drunk), my father has texted me asking if my nephew can come to the ceremony. He said that himself, my brother and my mother will look after him.

What this means is that my brother has, at some point, developed a grudge about the agreement, and has been complaining to my parents about me (as usual). The fact that my father messaged me at this time of night also means that it's a big deal, not just a small request, but a thing where my brother has been very angry / very upset etc.  Basically, if I say no, all hell will break loose.

I'm so upset. I've been asking my father, who lives 5 minutes away, to meet for coffee for the last 2 months but he doesn't have time for me. He spends an hour a day with my brother, and they never invite me to meet or join them. My wedding is in one month and his absence is very hurtful for me. Now to discover that there is  big rift forming, and the solution posed to me, as always, is that I appease my brother, is very upsetting and overwhelming.  

I feel very strongly that I want one day of my life not to be hijacked by this dysfunction, but I'm questioning whether I'm being unreasonable. If I'm not being unreasonable, I don't know how to have a conversation with my father/brother that ends in 'my nephew cannot come to the wedding'. I just don't know what to say. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or insights that you can offer. x




Background: My family history is long and complex so I'll summarise it in a very brief (and hopefully not too detached sounding!) manner. Both parents struggle with alcohol addiction. They're separated and my younger sibling (BPD) has manipulated them against each other in order to get what he want for as far as I remember. He used to use phrases like "I know how to get what I want out of mom".Very long history of harmful behaviours, and current status is that both parents enable and have made him the centre of their universe. He doesn't have much relationship with me, which I believe is because that doesn't serve for him to gain anything. He is abusive towards my mother (verbal, she has feared for physical at times but it hasn't happened). Long history of him telling my parents that I have let him down, and them coming to me to tell me that I need to.. (whatever it is - visit more, visit less, pay for more, whatever it is). He is mid 20s and hasn't moved out of one of my parents homes. He doesn't work and has very expensive tastes, which my parents work hard to enable. He is not kind of considerate to the family and generally very selfish and draining on my family. Its upsetting for me to see my parents being so drained. They haven't had easy lives themselves and I think it's so sad that they're going through this. My marginalised position in the family is very hurtful for me, and every conversation begins and ends with 'your brother...'.

[Turkish]

Do you think that your parents might be stepping in to triangulate (rescue, enable) once they found out about the agreement between you and your brother? If so, the source of conflict starts with them though from what you said, your brother might be going along for the ride.

It sounds like you didn't answer your father when he was likely drunk. Good. I'd send a Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm response to your dad.

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

"Thanks for your call Dad. However, [Brother] and I had already agreed that [nephew] won't be attending the wedding."

On the surface, or sounds like your brother is aware enough of his limitations with his poor kid. Your dad might blow up even sober. My T once advised me that something said once might need to be repeated verbatim, no justifications.

"[Brother] and I had already agreed that [nephew] won't be attending the wedding."

I feel for you going through this on your Happy Day to start a new chapter in your life. Family members and weddings is a recurring story here, and hopefully others with experiences can chime in as well.

[GaGrl]

Do you have an overall "no children" policy for your wedding? That is a baseline.

Otherwise, you can hold your boundaries. The child is not invited, not to attend.

If necessary, your brother needs to be "dis-invited." That is tough, but doable.

Weddings are an ongoing BPD topic here. Many people have had security employed to ensure that unwanted family members don't disrupt an otherwise joyful event. You might consider this (off duty police).