When you think they are getting help

[Matty]

Hi,
I’m putting this in the Bettering a Relationship forum as I think its applicable but at the same time, I haven’t seen my wife in seven months and any chance to reconcile is extremely small and would depend almost entirely on her.

She use to contact me about once a month in a rage about something she thought I did, was doing (maligning her reputation from a far which is not at all true) and during one of these manic messages mentioned that she was getting help from a therapist. I was doubtful but then I saw some signs that perhaps she was because when she became frustrated with me (despite my attempts at SET but also because I was establishing boundaries - shutting the conversation down when it became abusive) she would use these old pictures she  had of me to create a fake FB account but then she created the account and didn’t post any pictures because she said her therapist told her to delete them so it looked like she did. A few weeks later we had a very long phone call that went very well and the next day I texted her (surprised to find that I was not blocked) to thank her for talking, then got back a dozen angry messages about how awful I was and then was blocked and her last message was: don’t ever contact me again. So I didn’t. However, a month later she contacted me and the tone was very different, much more polite and no adverse reactions and after my last reply, she did not reply back so I left it at that. A week later she contacted me again with a very superficial excuse. We chatted back and forth for a bit and again, all very civilized and then she didn’t reply so I left it at that again.

So my question is this: I am taking a passive approach - not reaching out to her, only responding when she reaches out so she knows comms are open, keeping things light and positive when we interact, not putting any kind of pressure on her because it seems like she is getting help and I believe I should not be interfering with her if she is getting therapy. Is this the right/best approach?

I don’t know what the status of our marriage is and I don’t really care, I am only relieved to see signs that seem to indicate that she is getting help and I wish to support that because I know that her family is not helping her and she blocked any close friend that told her she needed help. Is this the best approach?

Grateful for any advice/thoughts/suggestions based on those with more experience.

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[MessyTrain]

"So my question is this: I am taking a passive approach - not reaching out to her, only responding when she reaches out so she knows comms are open, keeping things light and positive when we interact, not putting any kind of pressure on her because it seems like she is getting help and I believe I should not be interfering with her if she is getting therapy. Is this the right/best approach?"

Sorry this is only my second post, I don't know how to properly quote text yet except just to cut and paste.
In response to your question Matty, perhaps this can help you reflect and arrive at an answer...what are your boundaries on this? Rather then let others/ ex define your approach, what do you have the wherewithal to deal with and to keep emotionally regulated?  Maybe it is effortful for you to keep things light and positive, not putting any pressure on her?   If that's the case,  initiating communication with her may cost too much energy for you?  Or base your decision on a day by day basis.  If you have enough in you that day to reach out to her (and don't expect that she'll respond pleseantly or default back to lashing out) then do so.  It sounds like you are supportive and compassionate as you recognize her BPD "symptoms" have resulted in burning bridges and she's isolated.
What I've learnt through this is that it is really vital to recognize when a task is too much for us and it's OK and accept this.  Full back up our bucket and go from there. Take care Matty.

[Matty]

Thanks for your reply. I could take a more active approach but I have heard others say that you should think of them like a cat where they will come to you when they want to and its clear to me that when she wants to, she’ll find a reason. As long as there is no verbal abuse, I will reply to her and support her in her therapy. I have also heard therapists say that BPDs need one person in their life that will weather their storms and be there for them and as I know her family will not do that and that I have recovered from the initial shock/care taking from before knowing what was happening, I feel like I am in a place where I can support her in this way now that I know what this is and how it effects her.

[Pook075]

Hey Matty, thanks for sharing.

There's no "correct" answer here because your wife is unstable- one minute she might really want to talk to you, the next minute she hates you, the minute after that she hates herself for blowing up the marriage. Or maybe all three things are happening at the same time.  That's why you're getting mixed signals though, because they're true to her at the time.

I personally took a similar approach and it's great to hear that you're a little more distanced than the average member here at this stage.  Again, there's no real right answer here, but I personally made contact whenever I needed to (adult kids, bills, etc) and whenever I felt like I had something important to share about our marriage.  I usually wrote a letter and delivered it by mail or email so she'd have it to reflect on over time.

Was that the right move?  I have no idea.  The relationship wasn't salvaged, but we are on speaking terms now and are nice to each other.  If I text, it's really hit or miss if she'll respond, but she will take my calls and we meet in person from time to time over our adult kids.

I know that's not extremely helpful or insightful, but this is just one of those things where there's not a best answer.

[Matty]

No, it is very helpful, thanks very much.