Hello and my first post

[MessyTrain]

Hi Everyone, Nesta,Rev, Smedley
I am from the Canada, it is beautiful here and serene. But my marriage at times is not!
I am coming off from my own emotional dysregulation of my spouse screaming at me "shut the f*(*K up...I am doing the g***d(&^& dishes, are you happy?" and then later he says in angry tone "Have you ever considered that I might not be here long enough and that if I am no longer here that you won't need to put up with my depression?" This happened in evening and in the AM he was crying and asking for hug (vulnerability is easier compared to lashing out).
Thankfully he has not engaged in cutting, suicide attempts since I have know him ,12 years married, friends for previous 5 years. And there has not been any physical violence, just his crazy dysregulated talk, much reduced capacity in life roles, income earning. Also I am coming off of period in 2020-2022 where there was a lot of extreme acting out of emotional intensity, drinking, cannabis use, hanging out with unsafe people, verbal abuse where I had to sleep in separate bedroom with lock on door.  Had to have a safety plan for me and the kids (2 lovely school age girls!) where I had our bags packed to make a fast getaway, did that ever come in handy!
So here I am on this forum.  Like all of you, I am experiencing grief and realization of the pervasiveness of his condition. At first I was thinking depression but in the last 2-3 years it is definitely traits of BPD with the splitting, huge amounts of insecurity, voiced constant emptiness.  I also am the primary income earning and primary parent as his condition at this point does not allow for full capacity.  I am also on the tail end of a Master's degree because I may as well invest in something I really enjoy doing to earn income.  All these roles, and yet day by day I put one foot in front of the other, use my skills and faith to bring about as much stability and peace to our family.
I have read some posts and learnt something new today- grey rocking! Geez, I can use a lot of practice with this.  Thank you all for your thoughts and kindness in these forums, though cliche, it is such a relief to read posts and know right here, right now I am not the only one.  I wonder if there is something for pwbdp too, my hubs when regulated is an insightful, compassionate individual and I think could benefit from this. Alright, I need to get back to work!    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Elitevaz]

I grey rocked and my exwbpd did not like it and it may be partly why she discarded me. So be careful using that if you don’t want him to leave. I believe it is possible to affect their moods to your liking, because they don’t control themselves. They can’t just be wild and explosive but not be controllable. A great example is nuclear bombs vs nuclear power plants. The main difference is one is controlled and the other is not. That said, I do think it takes a ridiculous amount of effort to control someone’s bpd. All of the symptoms seem to me to be unified by the emotional lability. Control over the emotions is crucial to keeping the other symptoms in check and this can involve sacrifice at times.

I think the grey rock just kind of leaves them to deal with their issues alone. This leads to them feeling like you don’t care, which then triggers the fear of abandonment, which then triggers impulsive actions to get attention which will verify if you care or not. If you don’t care then you have given up and abandoned. That’s the way I see the chain working.

If you want the person to go away, do grey rock. If you want to stay with them, you’ll have to regulate their emotions.this primarily means showing you care on THEIR terms, within their reality, but without being sucked in and collapsing with them. In your case, you already know you are the primary breadwinner and doing enough for anyone in normal reality to be grateful. I got a similar threat from my ex before she left. She said "you’re going to miss me when I’m gone". She also said "don’t worry you’ll have your old life back soon". So, if you want him to stay, I suggest taking the threats seriously.

I think the key to interrupting the chain, is dealing with the most common emotion of the bpd feeling that the person doesn’t care, but without being pushover and maintaining boundaries as much as possible. It’s easier said than done though. In the heat you have to figure out what they are truly upset about, not the dumb reason they decided fits the emotion. Your case, it seems that he was mad that he was asked to wash the dishes. I don’t think that’s really the problem. There must have been something else he was doing or wanted to do, that the dishes got in the way of. So he lashed out at you out of feeling he wasn’t important. That’s what makes this hard because you don’t really know. It must be something though, because bpd affects emotions through external factors, not so much internal. Something in the environment affected him.

[FarDrop77]

I think the key to interrupting the chain, is dealing with the most common emotion of the bpd feeling that the person doesn’t care, but without being pushover and maintaining boundaries as much as possible. It’s easier said than done though. In the heat you have to figure out what they are truly upset about, not the dumb reason they decided fits the emotion. Your case, it seems that he was mad that he was asked to wash the dishes. I don’t think that’s really the problem. There must have been something else he was doing or wanted to do, that the dishes got in the way of. So he lashed out at you out of feeling he wasn’t important. That’s what makes this hard because you don’t really know. It must be something though, because bpd affects emotions through external factors, not so much internal. Something in the environment affected him.

I agree about the grey rocking ... without a reaction from you they will make a guess at what you are thinking and it can be spiral into some bizarre accusations.  The best I know to do is to paraphrase back to them what they said and verify how they are feeling (assuming they are not so upset that they refuse to tell you why).