Soliciting advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was in a relationship with a woman with quite severe BPD for 25 years. It was very difficult and tumultuous, and I did a lot of caretaking. But I loved her deeply. A few years into the relationship, I was ready to throw in the towel, but I eventually came to accept her limitations, and saw her as my partner for life.

Two years ago her son, who also has BPD, became severely addicted to meth, and ended up homeless. The stress led to a severe deterioration in my ex's mental health, and she began an affair with an extremely narcissistic/manipulative married guy and dumped me. But she hasn't really let go of me, or I of her. We spend a great deal of time together, cooking, taking weekly hikes in beautiful natural areas, etc. And I continue in the caretaking role - she depends on me a lot.

After she started seeing her affair partner, he offered to act as her therapist (though he has no background in mental health treatment), and he's been mucking around in her head ever since.

After the affair started, she was over the moon/besotted with the new guy. He was constantly flattering her. He now has turned more critical. It's a long-distance affair, and they communicate daily, but only spend time together every couple months.

I didn't realize she was a pwBPD until it was pointed out to me by my therapist, after the breakup. I managed to engage her into therapy - she is now in a DBT group which meets weekly and also sees an individual therapist weekly (at a center specializing in treatment of BPD).

It is my strong impression that her mental health and functioning have deteriorated over the last two years. She began having severe dissociative episodes (that she never had before the affair), and is now homeless - crashing in a friend's spare bedroom. Watching the decline in her mental health and circumstances has been heartbreaking. Some of the exacerbation of her mental health issues appears clearly tied to the new guy jerking her around (typical narcissistic abuse).

I've gotten to the point where I'm realizing that I can't move on with my life, and enter a healthy relationship, if I continue being so deeply enmeshed with my ex, and spending so much time with her. And honestly, spending time with her while she's involved with her new guy is brutal for me. At the same time, the time we spend together - especially the weekly hikes in natural areas - has been really enjoyable. Those hikes are the highlight of my week, so would be difficult to give up.

A few months ago, another woman and I began talking, and things appeared headed in a romantic direction, but she wisely put up a strong boundary - that she couldn't go further in pursuing a potential relationship given how enmeshed I still was with my ex.

I remain one of the main supports for my stepson (my ex's son) - communicating with him daily, trying to engage him into drug treatment, paying for an apartment (his mental health improved after he was no longer street-level homeless).

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. The thought of really abandoning my ex is very difficult.

People's thoughts would be appreciated.

[Pensive1]

I was in a relationship with a woman with quite severe BPD for 25 years. It was very difficult and tumultuous, and I did a lot of caretaking. But I loved her deeply. A few years into the relationship, I was ready to throw in the towel, but I eventually came to accept her limitations, and saw her as my partner for life.

Two years ago her son, who also has BPD, became severely addicted to meth, and ended up homeless. The stress led to a severe deterioration in my ex's mental health, and she began an affair with an extremely narcissistic/manipulative married guy and dumped me. But she hasn't really let go of me, or I of her. We spend a great deal of time together, cooking, taking weekly hikes in beautiful natural areas, etc. And I continue in the caretaking role - she depends on me a lot.

After she started seeing her affair partner, he offered to act as her therapist (though he has no background in mental health treatment), and he's been mucking around in her head ever since.

After the affair started, she was over the moon/besotted with the new guy. He was constantly flattering her. He now has turned more critical. It's a long-distance affair, and they communicate daily, but only spend time together every couple months.

I didn't realize she was a pwBPD until it was pointed out to me by my therapist, after the breakup. I managed to engage her into therapy - she is now in a DBT group which meets weekly and also sees an individual therapist weekly (at a center specializing in treatment of BPD).

It is my strong impression that her mental health and functioning have deteriorated over the last two years. She began having severe dissociative episodes (that she never had before the affair), and is now homeless - crashing in a friend's spare bedroom. Watching the decline in her mental health and circumstances has been heartbreaking. Some of the exacerbation of her mental health issues appears clearly tied to the new guy jerking her around (typical narcissistic abuse).

I've gotten to the point where I'm realizing that I can't move on with my life, and enter a healthy relationship, if I continue being so deeply enmeshed with my ex, and spending so much time with her. And honestly, spending time with her while she's involved with her new guy is brutal for me. At the same time, the time we spend together - especially the weekly hikes in natural areas - has been really enjoyable. Those hikes are the highlight of my week, so would be difficult to give up.

A few months ago, another woman and I began talking, and things appeared headed in a romantic direction, but she wisely put up a strong boundary - that she couldn't go further in pursuing a potential relationship given how enmeshed I still was with my ex.

I remain one of the main supports for my stepson (my ex's son) - communicating with him daily, trying to engage him into drug treatment, paying for an apartment (his mental health improved after he was no longer street-level homeless).

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. The thought of really abandoning my ex is very difficult.

People's thoughts would be appreciated.

[Pook075]

First of all, I'm so sorry.  I can relate to everything you said because my 25th anniversary is 2 weeks away and I just filed divorce papers.  My daughter has BPD so I relate there too.  It's the same story- my wife is at the beach right now with the guy she swears she's not having an affair with.  She made it clear that she left me for him though, if that makes any sense.

I also found out about my wife having BPD from our doctor shortly after the separation.  So yeah, shockingly similar stories.

For me, I assumed a similar role and still can't seem to fully step out of that caretaker role- if I didn't save her, who would?  Over time though, I realized that it wasn't healthy and I had to cut ties.  We still talk about the kids, etc. and my BPD daughter now lives with me again (she's in her 20's).

The only advice I can give, other than really reading up on all the stickies here, is to be true to yourself and put your own needs 1st.  Maybe she "needs you" and I completely get that, but you also get a vote on which rollercoaster to ride and your stability matters too.  Why be there unconditionally for her if she's not doing the same for you?  It's unhealthy and keeping you in the broken loop.

Nobody here can tell you what is right FOR YOU...I went the clean break route because to my ex, my feelings didn't matter and her viewpoints were heavily skewed by mental illness.  It saved me though in more ways than I can count and my life one year later is nothing like that past 5-10 years.  I am happier than I've felt in years and I give that positive energy to those who appreciate me and can give it right back.  

I volunteer now with a local non-profit and I've made a whole new set of friends over time that are on the same trajectory in life.  I have also found love again and I'm finally ready to accept that there was nothing I could do that could save my marriage.  I still love my wife but she is incapable of loving me like she should a husband.  That decision was made for me, I just had to accept it.

Again, your happiness and stability is more important than anything, so choose yourself 1st more often.  If you can be there for your wife as well then that's great, but right now that's not your top responsibility.  Have you thought about telling her all this?  That might make your next steps easier since she will either grow closer to you or pull away.  Either way though, you deserve a new lease on life and you can't continue living in the past.

Good luck my friend!

[Pensive1]

Thank you so much for your reply Pook075. It helps to hear from someone who, as you say, has a shockingly similar story.