24 year old daughter with bpd demanding lacks empathy

[Crying inside]

Hi, new here.  I’m glad I found people who are able to empathize with the bpd situation l.  My 24 year old daughter was dx with bpd at age 21.  When she was 15, we had a house fire.  Since then she became severely depressed and was hospitalized due to suicidal thoughts.  Her diagnosis at that time was mood disorder and she was put on Lamictal after horrible reactions to a few ssri’s she had weekly therapy from age 16-21 when at 21 she cut herself in a suicide attempt and was hospitalized a second time.  This time, she was diagnosed with bpd.  She wouldn’t sign the consent form so I couldn’t speak to the drs who diagnosed her.  My oldest
 daughter has bpd traits but not the full blown disorder  For some reason I convinced myself that my 24 year old was molested at some point as a child, though I have no proof and she denied it when I asked her.  When I asked her if her trauma that caused the bpd was the house fire, she said “that was the icing on the cake.” That led me to wonder what else happened to her prior to the house fire.  Her mood up until then seemed normal, just a bit quirky.. She had insomnia since age 6, and was treated with Clonodine.  She did tell me that she never felt as if she could come to me if something was bothering her, that I always seemed “preoccupied.”   My husband was an alcoholic from when my daughter was 2 until he got sober when she was 12.  She said she blocked out a lot of her childhood and doesn’t remember his drinking.  Neither of us hit our children or verbally abused them, but we were a little too permissive in our parenting style.
My daughter is the youngest of 5 (8 years younger than the 2 siblings before her) and 10 and 13 years younger than her other siblings..She was very attached to me as a baby and toddler and once in school I was told she had a learning disability, and sensory issues.  Social skills were excellent up until age 15.  She completed a year long intensive dbt outpatient program in March and has improved significantly,   However, I have noticed she has regressed somewhat recently.  She also cannot handle any kind of loud TV voices, etc, She grew up in a house with 4 siblings lots of pets and lots of noise.  It never phased her.  I don’t know what happened. Does anyone know anything about the noise sensitivity and if it’s bpd related?  .  Thank you for letting me vent and I look forward to learning from this group..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Crying inside - thank you for posting here. I haven't heard that noise sensitivity is connected to BPD, but there seems to be such a broad range of symptoms - and the difference in the bpd brain means it could be possible.

The first book I read about BPD was called Biological Unhappiness. The GP who wrote it noted quite a range of symptoms among his bpd patients including left/right confusion. My dd certainly had that.

My bpd is also very noise sensitive particularly if woken from sleep.

I picked up from your post that you have been looking for the cause of your dd's condition. I think we all try to pinpoint the cause of this really awful condition. The reality is that it seems to be a range of factors that come together in an individual. For example your dd in the youngest of 5. I presume the other 4 experienced your husbands alcohol problem - but they haven't developed BPD.

Your screen name really affected me - 'crying inside' is what is happening for all of us. Whether we are dealing with BPD in our homes, in relating to a loved child who lives elsewhere, or whether there is no contact, we have all been through extraordinary stressful times - and we continue to do so.

Coming here makes it better for me. I know I am not alone. I hope by coming here and telling us about your situation, you are helped by knowing there are people out there - all over the world - who understand what you are going through, because they go through it themselves.

I hope you feel some strength knowing that this is the case.

[Flossy]

[quote author=Crying inside  Her mood up until then seemed normal, just a bit quirky.. She had insomnia since age 6, and was treated with Clonodine.  She did tell me that she never felt as if she could come to me if something was bothering her, that I always seemed “preoccupied.”   My husband was an alcoholic from when my daughter was 2 until he got sober when she was 12.  She said she blocked out a lot of her childhood and doesn’t remember his drinking.  Neither of us hit our children or verbally abused them, but we were a little too permissive in our parenting style.
My daughter is the youngest of 5 (8 years younger than the 2 siblings before her) and 10 and 13 years younger than her other siblings..She was very attached to me as a baby and toddler and once in school I was told she had a learning disability, and sensory issues.  Social skills were excellent up until age 15.  She completed a year long intensive dbt outpatient program in March and has improved significantly,   However, I have noticed she has regressed somewhat recently.  She also cannot handle any kind of loud TV voices, etc, She grew up in a house with 4 siblings lots of pets and lots of noise.  It never phased her.  I don’t know what happened. Does anyone know anything about the noise sensitivity and if it’s bpd related?  . 
[/quote]

Considering the early insomnia, her sense that you seemed unapproachable, learning disability and sensory issues and now noise sensitivity, I would ask to have her evaluate for Autism Spectrum Disorder...Aspergers. If this was a part of her diagnosis it would give a direction for some of her possible sense of not belonging. Best wises.

[Crying inside]

Thank you, Sancho for you words of encouragement.  I look forward to visiting this group often.  Now I don’t feel so alone.

[kells76]

Hi Crying inside,

I have noticed she has regressed somewhat recently.  She also cannot handle any kind of loud TV voices, etc, She grew up in a house with 4 siblings lots of pets and lots of noise.  It never phased her.  I don’t know what happened. Does anyone know anything about the noise sensitivity and if it’s bpd related?

Have you looked into misophonia yet? I think I have read other parents post here about children coping with misophonia -- one way I heard it described is "like when you hate the sound of hearing someone chewing". The Mayo Clinic is a reputable source for more information.

I think it is also possible that a person on "high alert" emotionally/mentally much of the time may experience "normal range" sounds more strongly, as every sound may be a threat or problem. The same person may be able to handle "normal range" sounds when at an emotional/mental baseline.

Does your D seem open to pursuing some help or support for the noise sensitivity?

[Crying inside]

Yes, she is open to trying therapy for noise sensitivity.  Thank you for the idea!