false reality. for a moment I had Power&losing my mind

[kaycee]

I want to (big big) vent what happened yesterday but also talk about the projection and their distorted reality.

I blocked her on everything, wrote a last message and that was it.
She called me anonymously just to tell me that’s not true (what I wrote ) and was bitchy.
Aight I made it clear if she wants me she must show me full effort. I don’t want empty words if u want me u know where I live.
Two days I kept her blocked besides tiktok where she sometimes texted me /comment on my videos. but yesterday I couldn’t do it anymore and called her and was like if we could stop being so bad to each other and stop the blame game for a while and just chill together cuz I got no work tomorrow but like always when I make a step at her she’s like “after what u said/done never ! Etc.” (Calling her crazy for example but I’m okay hearing just two days before that you actually hate me and putting me down and saying u don’t even want to change or want ever a relationship again with me)
Turned it around and blocked me.
Sometimes unblocked me that night and texted me and even called me .
We’ll that night I went out and got drunk af and later responded to them texts , we fought over text and then I uber to her place. ( I know dumb af ) she got a window directly at the street where it was just her telling me to PLEASE READ off or she will call the cops if I don’t leave.. I said let’s talk and stop this madness-closed the window , I called her sometimes she ignored -aight took the L .
Took an Uber home and suddenly she calls me saying She’s outside . Oh ok I get out of the Uber and walk back and I notice in the distance there’s a cop car - so I went away . Turns out she called the cops and wanted to trap me with coming back . She said (over phone later) she needed to do this I didn’t want to leave etc. . But I instantly left so that’s bs. She said to them cops I won’t leave her alone and sometimes come knocking wildly or stalk her at work. (I didnt do all this!) Like wtf. how do I harass someone we had sex just a week ago, we talk everyday, and this case I even got her blocked on everything so wtf hours before that even texting me she loves me?

she havent&will not sue me or anything, she said they didnt even have my name,but my phone number, she said they just said if she wants something she must go the court,.. Im on probation, will I hear from the cops even if she really will not do anything?
Two days ago she breaks my heart saying she hates me And yesterday she loves me. Then I want to talk and then u came up with this story?
I know many will get at me for showing up at her place but just let it be aight? I know this.
for a lil backgroudn just check my other posts..
we had an abortion just a week ago on our PLEASE READing anniversary like wtf everythings so traumatizing. but she split just a day after that again after making so many promises..
since one year the PLEASE READing cycles got faster and faster.. and I know why she did that above.. it was cuz me blocking her and wanting out cuz she dont want to change she needed to return block me and u know whats funny, after my call with the date invitation she even texted me "u wanna play the victim but u are the abuser" thats something I tell her all the time and thats also how the relationship went.. She believes im a abuser, she changes narratives and projects LIKE EVERYTHING. I explained once the shame / guilt part of bpd and she started saying "oh everybody knows who you are u are so scared of getting exposed" I´m like wtf thats what I tell you? like a million of this examples. she really thinks she is the victim. Its so absurd and crazy making thats she lives a different world and denies reality and herself. projective identification! she turned me bad with being bad. "oh you call me names" how the f should I respond to the crazyiness? saying great job baby u split again and devalued me and abused me. Im honest guys I called her names like a crazy bpd bihh etc. .(I am caring and patient but sometimes it gets to wild from her cuz she knows exactly where to push on purpose) But its the only thing that matters to her after a fight not her triggering behavior or crazy mean things she does. I just give her the conforimation Im the bad one.. shes so deep int the victim mindset that Im so full of anger and even that she turned around and copied me, me saying "how can u be so blind to what u r doing , isnt loving and then hating someone proof enough thats something wrong with ya thinking?" her starting in fights to tell me "how can u be so blind and deny ur abuse"
its crazy making! we spin in circles cuz she cant accept its HER. and I cant get over it of her not seeing it ! she is in therapy for 7 months but switched therapist and is now at just two sittings at the new one. her birthday is in 3 days as well.. im unblocked on phone and tiktok, whatsapp im blocked from her. and you what after this incident im sure she will still contact me again!
everything i write is conscious , I see through her behavior , knowing what she doing , her projection everything. that all this crazy and not normal but even after writing all this Im so trauma bonded (and in love?) and helpless to it. like a drug addict man.. I m flying a day after her Birthday on vacation I wannt to leave this behind me when I return thats its no longer part of me, I wanted to give her a chance till then but it went dead crazy. I couldnt go two days without the heroine man. how do i get clean , and not just by no contact how do I get clean in the head..

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Kaycee.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and that's certainly a lot to unpack.  So instead of diving in directly, let's just focus on how you ended your post- how do you get past this?

The answer to that is focusing on yourself, getting around people that love you, and start living your life again with activities that you enjoy.  Your ex is suffering from mental illness and her behavior is unstable, so her words and actions are going to be unpredictable as well.  My advice?  Stay far away for now and focus on what matters in your life.

In terms of how you can repair the relationship, that comes down to better communication on your part and a better understanding of BPD.  Use the sticky threads along the top of this forum to educate yourself and really dive into what you're facing here.  Your ex is sick and a lot of what she does is from "fight or flight" mode, because her world is falling apart.  That's where all the push/pull comes from as well. 

In a nutshell, you're seeking logical answers about someone who's ignoring logic and relying purely on emotions in the moment.  There's no simple answer to what the solution is, but it starts with you being more understanding on her struggles and learning to diffuse situations when she's unbalanced.  Again, read all the sticky threads at the top of the page...they help immensely.  Books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" are also worth their weight in gold since it lets you truly understand BPD and what your ex is going through.

I wish you luck my friend, just keep on venting and asking questions.  We've been where you're at and it's impossibly hard, so please understand that we're not giving empty advice.  You have to get out of your own head, which means you have to make better choices for you- exercise, staying busy, talking to friends/family, etc.  Others won't understand what you're facing so ranting to them usually doesn't help much.  We're here though.

[kaycee]

can you please tell me what I should say ? or do?
so just today over text (thats why I posted in reverse breakup):

she says she must heal and she wants peace but she is The War itself.
she says I hurt her to much but she only hurts me and our time.
she says Im manipulative when I confront her with her actions and her distorted reality that things didnt happen like that or she holds on to a false narrative.
I said after this argument today she needs to see it herself and maybe just after longer therapy shes able to see it.
how should I act? what should I say?

say sorry ? apologize ? if i do that I just confirm her narrative split that Im bad, when I dont im still the abuser.
  plz if u could give a like an instruction how to work this out.

she says Im the abuser and shes the victim, but its funny how she projects when I tell her this the opposite.

[Pook075]

can you please tell me what I should say ? or do?
so just today over text (thats why I posted in reverse breakup):

Let's take these one by one.  Again, your best path here is to gain a deeper understanding of BPD and how to handle these types of situations.  That takes time and it's not something any of us can guide you though in a day.  You're hurting, angry, miserable, confused...everyone here has felt that before and it's terrible.  To move forward you actually need to heal.

she says she must heal and she wants peace but she is The War itself.

When speaking to someone with BPD when they're unstable, you want to validate their feelings.  So when she says that she's hurt and she must heal, she's really saying, "This is too much for me right now and I can't deal with it."  If you want to be a part of her healing process, then you have to understand that and relate to it.

Now, that's not admitting, "I agree, I caused all this" or something like that.  We're not talking about what she's accusing you of, only what she's feeling in the moment since that's what she's making decisions off of.  So if you say, "This is all your fault and you caused all of this," then that's telling her that you don't understand her and there's no sense in trying to work anything out.

Focus on her emotions, what she's feeling, and validate that she's feeling that way.  A good answer here would be, "I understand that you're hurting and I agree, we both need to heal from what happened."  No blame in that answer, no accusations...just diffuse the situation with understanding and validation.

she says I hurt her to much but she only hurts me and our time.

Again, emotions- she's hurt.  You shouldn't say she's not hurt since she clearly is.  Meet that statement with empathy and her emotions.

she says Im manipulative when I confront her with her actions and her distorted reality that things didnt happen like that or she holds on to a false narrative.

Again, why argue over what happened?  Do you want to be "right", or do you want to comfort her and work on fixing the relationship?  She feels manipulated, apologize for that and focus on the healing part instead. 

Remember, in her mind, she sees you as having the false narrative.  In her mind, it is 100% real and factual.  The more you fight against that, the more you push her away and confirm that the breakup is the best option.

I said after this argument today she needs to see it herself and maybe just after longer therapy shes able to see it.
how should I act? what should I say?

If she mentioned therapy, that's a good thing.  Gently encourage it since it will help her heal.  This is not the time to refer to her being wrong or crazy tho- stay away from the "what happened" and focus instead on her emotions and healing.

say sorry ? apologize ? if i do that I just confirm her narrative split that Im bad, when I dont im still the abuser.

Are you sorry she's hurting?  If so, tell her that.  This isn't about confirming her narrative split, stay away from the accusations and just focus on her feelings.

she says Im the abuser and shes the victim, but its funny how she projects when I tell her this the opposite.

While you may be absolutely right, are you more worried about being "right" or fixing the relationship?  She feels abused because there's been a communication breakdown due to her thinking differently.  It's easy to say it's her fault due to the BPD, but that doesn't solve anything in the relationship.  The goal here is better communication to make her feel loved and safe.  That's where your focus should be.

I hope that helps.  I know it's the exact opposite of what you expected to hear and I AM NOT taking her side.  I'm just trying to explain how she processes these things and how a poor response can push her further away.  Again, we've all been there or we wouldn't be on this forum.  It's horriffic.  But these are the steps to save your relationship.