No contact birthday guilt

[Mary99]

Needing advice on approaching a milestone birthday please?
I made the difficult decision to go no contact with my uBpd sister late last year after an extended period of trying to put boundaries around her mental health and drug issues that were taking a toll on myself and my family. Since that time she has intermittently continued to find ways to contact me, most recently by sms from a new mobile number. I am aware that my decision has caused her pain and she would desperately like me back in her life (though she won't accept responsibility for the hurt she caused whilst on drugs). A milestone birthday is coming up for her and I'm torn about whether I should acknowledge it- I would feel cruel not to but at the same time I am not ready to invite her back into my life and wonder if it would also be unfair to contact her with no intention of resuming contact?

[TelHill]

Hello,

You take a chance with her becoming emotionally dysregulated should you contact her for her birthday.   She may increase the number of times she contacts you again and make creative attempts to get back into your life.  

You could make a small donation in her name to a cause she supports in lieu of contacting her. It would honor her birthday and keep you no contact.

I have been no contact with my dBPD elderly mother many times in my life.   Once I reestablished a bit of what I thought was low  contact to not make her act out, she became emotionally volatile and abusive to me. She would call many times daily leaving angry messages on my vm. This was before it was possible to block a phone number.  It took a heavy emotional toll on me.

[Notwendy]

I think it would send her a mixed message- she would think maybe you wanted to be in contact with her. No contact is actually your boundary- and being inconsistent with it might confuse her.

Sometimes we might feel like the "bad guys" if we have boundaries, but we have reasons for them. It's not something we'd have wanted to do- it's a choice we feel we have to make.

[Mary99]

Thank you, this is what I was leaning towards. I do feel like a bad person and I worry about my parents reaction (they are still hoping I will let her back in my life after I have "had a break").
The thought of triggering her to contact me is enough to make my decision, I have worked hard for the peace I have now.

[Notwendy]

Families behave as a balanced system. When one family member changes their behavior, it changes that balance.  They may be thinking it's the best thing to do but also, may be more focused on your sister- they also may have been walking on eggshells with her too.

Your parents may feel sad about your sister. However, it's not your responsibility to fix this. You are not responsible for your sister's feelings or behavior.

[zachira]

I am no contact with my sister with NPD and low contact with my brother with BPD. The difference between my two siblings is the contact with my brother is manageable and having contact with my sister would be completely unmanageable as she would use it as a means to harm me in any ways she can. I do feel sorry for my sister and love her, yet I know I cannot have her in my life. You would be likely sending your sister mixed messages and experience an increase in abuse if you were to acknowledge her birthday. Having disordered close family members is a lifelong sorrow, and heartbreaking barely describes the pain it causes for those of us who are born into this situation which we can't change.

[TelHill]

Thank you, this is what I was leaning towards. I do feel like a bad person and I worry about my parents reaction (they are still hoping I will let her back in my life after I have "had a break").

Guilt for myself and yearning for good mental health is always part of the package for me. As zachira said, having a bpd family member is a lifelong sorrow

I wonder if your parents have not yet grasped the extent of BPD. It's common for parents to want good outcomes for their children and deny the illness or the fine details of it. It may place an unfair burden on you as they may be pressuring you to help your BPD sister get better. They may see that your sister doesn't act out so much with them if you're in contact. They may not see that the whole burden has shifted to you. This is what Notwendy points out as families needing balance when at least one element is out of whack.

Just guessing  (and could be entirely wrong). My in denial father and PD older brother have done that to me (daughter) with my dBPD mother.