Final discard? I can't move on...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm having trouble even collecting my thoughts to put this into words so I will just do my best, but this could go all over the place. I think I have been finally discarded, but it's so hard to tell. He has a history of breaking up with me and coming back and it always feels like the very end. This time though he's taken it really far. We still live together and he has taken legal action against me. He refuses to have any conversation about the end of our 13 years together. He won't even talk about the practical things like shared belongings or responsibilities and what will happen. He says I can talk to his lawyers.
He treats our relationship as if we dated for only a month and that I'm insane for feeling sad. He has truly convinced himself that I did something wrong to him and we weren't in a relationship for years. He has no understanding of why I feel sad or confused. He has been talking to his friends about how he needs to go to the gym every day because he's "old" and is going to have a difficult finding a girlfriend unless he looks good.

Here I am, the woman who loves him dearly and he's rejected me. I still want a relationship with him. I understand that maybe this isn't healthy, but it's the truth. It's like I see him as two separate people. The man who loves me and is my soulmate and then the man who is a stranger and doesn't want anything to do with me. I understand the reality, but I can't stop seeing him this way. I just want our happy life back. I tried my absolute best to be a good partner to him. He always talks to his friends about how he wants to find a "hot girl" and I've tried my best to keep up with my looks and health. Many men have told me that I'm attractive. I feel like he had a great life with me.

We moved to the country he wanted to live in for his great career. We bought a nice house that we made into a home together. We were very much in love. We always had an amazing time together with lots of laughter, inside jokes, common interests, adventures, a really deep connection, good sex, good conversations, pets together we both love, I would cook healthy homemade meals for him of his favorite recipes, we would go on romantic dates, the list goes on.

But now, that is all out the window. He tells me that it's my fault he wants me to leave. He's filed for my eviction. I'm starting to feel like I am the one who was just imagining things or like it was all a dream. He told me we never had a real relationship and he was acting. I'm seeing a therapist, and I've been told he's gaslighting me.

I'm having difficulty because I can not believe that this is how he truly feels about me. Why does he want to throw me away like trash? I'm aware that BPD is extremely complicated and this is common. I would still do anything to be with him again, the way it was when he loved me. I feel like I never got any sort of closure and I've been exposed to so much crazy making. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my home, and my whole life down the drain.

I have tried going on dating sites just to see what's out there. I just keep seeing red flags because of my experience. I don't feel like I'm compatible with most because I'm kind of set in my ways and lifestyle at my age. I have pets that I feel like no one will love the same way I do either. I also just get tons of offers for hookups. I have to say that right now any kind of intimacy with anyone besides my (ex)pwBPD makes me feel disgusted and wrong. I'm not into casual sex and it seems like this is what is expected in the dating world. I think I come with a lot of emotional baggage that wouldn't be for most people. 
I'm not sure what is wrong with me at this point, but I truly still feel like he's the one for me. I feel like if he would work on his mental health, we could be happy. But I also realize that I can't force him to do that. I know I deserve a healthy relationship.

At this point, we are still living together, but after I got the letter that he's trying to have me removed from our home, I stopped interacting with him. This was 2 days ago. I have been just spending time in a separate room with the door closed. I desperately want to make things work, but I feel like his lack of feelings or empathy for me may mean it's the final discard. I see little things like he brought me a very thoughtful surprise the other day. But then in the big picture, he still wants me gone so that doesn't mean much. I'm not sure where to go from here or how it's even possible to restart my whole life. I can't picture a life without him in it.  And yes, I'm in therapy, (have been for years). I also do a lot of self-help on my own with books and online resources. I've grown as a person, but I don't feel like it's doing much to help me with these particular feelings about him.

[Sunflower123]

I'm having trouble even collecting my thoughts to put this into words so I will just do my best, but this could go all over the place. I think I have been finally discarded, but it's so hard to tell. He has a history of breaking up with me and coming back and it always feels like the very end. This time though he's taken it really far. We still live together and he has taken legal action against me. He refuses to have any conversation about the end of our 13 years together. He won't even talk about the practical things like shared belongings or responsibilities and what will happen. He says I can talk to his lawyers.
He treats our relationship as if we dated for only a month and that I'm insane for feeling sad. He has truly convinced himself that I did something wrong to him and we weren't in a relationship for years. He has no understanding of why I feel sad or confused. He has been talking to his friends about how he needs to go to the gym every day because he's "old" and is going to have a difficult finding a girlfriend unless he looks good.

Here I am, the woman who loves him dearly and he's rejected me. I still want a relationship with him. I understand that maybe this isn't healthy, but it's the truth. It's like I see him as two separate people. The man who loves me and is my soulmate and then the man who is a stranger and doesn't want anything to do with me. I understand the reality, but I can't stop seeing him this way. I just want our happy life back. I tried my absolute best to be a good partner to him. He always talks to his friends about how he wants to find a "hot girl" and I've tried my best to keep up with my looks and health. Many men have told me that I'm attractive. I feel like he had a great life with me.

We moved to the country he wanted to live in for his great career. We bought a nice house that we made into a home together. We were very much in love. We always had an amazing time together with lots of laughter, inside jokes, common interests, adventures, a really deep connection, good sex, good conversations, pets together we both love, I would cook healthy homemade meals for him of his favorite recipes, we would go on romantic dates, the list goes on.

But now, that is all out the window. He tells me that it's my fault he wants me to leave. He's filed for my eviction. I'm starting to feel like I am the one who was just imagining things or like it was all a dream. He told me we never had a real relationship and he was acting. I'm seeing a therapist, and I've been told he's gaslighting me.

I'm having difficulty because I can not believe that this is how he truly feels about me. Why does he want to throw me away like trash? I'm aware that BPD is extremely complicated and this is common. I would still do anything to be with him again, the way it was when he loved me. I feel like I never got any sort of closure and I've been exposed to so much crazy making. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my home, and my whole life down the drain.

I have tried going on dating sites just to see what's out there. I just keep seeing red flags because of my experience. I don't feel like I'm compatible with most because I'm kind of set in my ways and lifestyle at my age. I have pets that I feel like no one will love the same way I do either. I also just get tons of offers for hookups. I have to say that right now any kind of intimacy with anyone besides my (ex)pwBPD makes me feel disgusted and wrong. I'm not into casual sex and it seems like this is what is expected in the dating world. I think I come with a lot of emotional baggage that wouldn't be for most people. 
I'm not sure what is wrong with me at this point, but I truly still feel like he's the one for me. I feel like if he would work on his mental health, we could be happy. But I also realize that I can't force him to do that. I know I deserve a healthy relationship.

At this point, we are still living together, but after I got the letter that he's trying to have me removed from our home, I stopped interacting with him. This was 2 days ago. I have been just spending time in a separate room with the door closed. I desperately want to make things work, but I feel like his lack of feelings or empathy for me may mean it's the final discard. I see little things like he brought me a very thoughtful surprise the other day. But then in the big picture, he still wants me gone so that doesn't mean much. I'm not sure where to go from here or how it's even possible to restart my whole life. I can't picture a life without him in it.  And yes, I'm in therapy, (have been for years). I also do a lot of self-help on my own with books and online resources. I've grown as a person, but I don't feel like it's doing much to help me with these particular feelings about him.

[Biggus]

I would guess that now that you broke up, he's downplaying the importance of you and the relationship for him, as it will make it easier for him to deal with it and move on. Also that's why he blames you of him wanting to leave. You can't change that. That is his narrative, regardless of whether he really believes it or not.

Even if you'd still want to be with him, you probably can't convince him to stay with you. For now, chances are that the more you try the stronger you'll push him away.

I have tried going on dating sites just to see what's out there. I just keep seeing red flags because of my experience. I don't feel like I'm compatible with most because I'm kind of set in my ways and lifestyle at my age. I have pets that I feel like no one will love the same way I do either. I also just get tons of offers for hookups. I have to say that right now any kind of intimacy with anyone besides my (ex)pwBPD makes me feel disgusted and wrong. I'm not into casual sex and it seems like this is what is expected in the dating world. I think I come with a lot of emotional baggage that wouldn't be for most people. 
I'm not sure what is wrong with me at this point, but I truly still feel like he's the one for me. I feel like if he would work on his mental health, we could be happy. But I also realize that I can't force him to do that. I know I deserve a healthy relationship.

All and all you really seem to be reluctant to date new people at this point. You write insightfully "I think I come with a lot of emotional baggage that wouldn't be for most people". As I understand you fear that possibly you would end up treating your next relationship as a band-aid relationship.

Maybe now it's time to take a break, to heal and concentrate on improving your life, and see how you can get along living alone for a while? Also you'll have time to think about what are red flags when dating, and what kind of person would really be suitable for you. After getting your strength back you can try dating in your own terms.

[capecodling]

You seem pretty earnest and self-aware, so those are traits that are going to take you a long ways towards your healing.   I think one of the best things you can do for yourself right now is to put space between you and your ex.   I'm talking about physical space, not interacting, and also space in terms of time spent apart so you can detach and see things more clearly.   

I know from my own previous recycles with my BPD-ex there is also an intense need for the validation of having them come back and this not being the "final" discard.   Like you, I always felt like the previous break-ups were final and then she came back again, and it was always a relief when she did... but also accompanied by the anxiety of knowing I was about to set back my healing and experience a world of pain ... yet again.

That's why the space is so helpful, if you ever did reenter the relationship with your ex, you would want it to be from a position of strength and having healed, because believe me going back from the position you (and he) are in now would be 1,000X worse.

The biggest mind game of the whole BPD dynamic for me has been the trauma bond --- because this is really what is at the core of the whole BPD relationship for most of us: the trauma bond and, of course, the underlying wounding behind the trauma bond.   It makes you think there is no other connection as good as the trauma bonded relationship, and will trick your mind into downplaying the connection with new people you meet (like what you described from your online dating.)   So healing the trauma bond is also an essential part of moving on, because its like the shackles that holds you in place.

[jaded7]

I'm having trouble even collecting my thoughts to put this into words so I will just do my best, but this could go all over the place. I think I have been finally discarded, but it's so hard to tell. He has a history of breaking up with me and coming back and it always feels like the very end. This time though he's taken it really far. We still live together and he has taken legal action against me. He refuses to have any conversation about the end of our 13 years together. He won't even talk about the practical things like shared belongings or responsibilities and what will happen. He says I can talk to his lawyers.
He treats our relationship as if we dated for only a month and that I'm insane for feeling sad. He has truly convinced himself that I did something wrong to him and we weren't in a relationship for years. He has no understanding of why I feel sad or confused. He has been talking to his friends about how he needs to go to the gym every day because he's "old" and is going to have a difficult finding a girlfriend unless he looks good.

Here I am, the woman who loves him dearly and he's rejected me. I still want a relationship with him. I understand that maybe this isn't healthy, but it's the truth. It's like I see him as two separate people. The man who loves me and is my soulmate and then the man who is a stranger and doesn't want anything to do with me. I understand the reality, but I can't stop seeing him this way. I just want our happy life back. I tried my absolute best to be a good partner to him. He always talks to his friends about how he wants to find a "hot girl" and I've tried my best to keep up with my looks and health. Many men have told me that I'm attractive. I feel like he had a great life with me.

We moved to the country he wanted to live in for his great career. We bought a nice house that we made into a home together. We were very much in love. We always had an amazing time together with lots of laughter, inside jokes, common interests, adventures, a really deep connection, good sex, good conversations, pets together we both love, I would cook healthy homemade meals for him of his favorite recipes, we would go on romantic dates, the list goes on.

But now, that is all out the window. He tells me that it's my fault he wants me to leave. He's filed for my eviction. I'm starting to feel like I am the one who was just imagining things or like it was all a dream. He told me we never had a real relationship and he was acting. I'm seeing a therapist, and I've been told he's gaslighting me.

I'm having difficulty because I can not believe that this is how he truly feels about me. Why does he want to throw me away like trash? I'm aware that BPD is extremely complicated and this is common. I would still do anything to be with him again, the way it was when he loved me. I feel like I never got any sort of closure and I've been exposed to so much crazy making. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my home, and my whole life down the drain.

I have tried going on dating sites just to see what's out there. I just keep seeing red flags because of my experience. I don't feel like I'm compatible with most because I'm kind of set in my ways and lifestyle at my age. I have pets that I feel like no one will love the same way I do either. I also just get tons of offers for hookups. I have to say that right now any kind of intimacy with anyone besides my (ex)pwBPD makes me feel disgusted and wrong. I'm not into casual sex and it seems like this is what is expected in the dating world. I think I come with a lot of emotional baggage that wouldn't be for most people. 
I'm not sure what is wrong with me at this point, but I truly still feel like he's the one for me. I feel like if he would work on his mental health, we could be happy. But I also realize that I can't force him to do that. I know I deserve a healthy relationship.

At this point, we are still living together, but after I got the letter that he's trying to have me removed from our home, I stopped interacting with him. This was 2 days ago. I have been just spending time in a separate room with the door closed. I desperately want to make things work, but I feel like his lack of feelings or empathy for me may mean it's the final discard. I see little things like he brought me a very thoughtful surprise the other day. But then in the big picture, he still wants me gone so that doesn't mean much. I'm not sure where to go from here or how it's even possible to restart my whole life. I can't picture a life without him in it.  And yes, I'm in therapy, (have been for years). I also do a lot of self-help on my own with books and online resources. I've grown as a person, but I don't feel like it's doing much to help me with these particular feelings about him.

Oh Sunflower...I'm so, so sorry you're experiencing this. As everyone here can attest since we've experienced this feelings, they are incredibly painful.

'Throw away like trash', 'it's like I see him as two separate people', 'a stranger who doesn't want to have anything to do with me'.

These are real feelings, I myself have had them (and I'm glad you shared them, since they will help others, and me, who have felt that way).

I feel like we reject a part of ourselves when we are in these relationships, we internalize their voices of criticism and shaming, and then do it to ourselves. It's like a virus.

You are a human being worthy of love and respect, who deserves to be treated well...even if a relationship is ending. There is no heart-centered reason for him to be treating you this way- denying the relationship existed is a denial of you and your love. Which is CRUEL. And punishing. And, to my thinking, exactly what a BPD person will do to protect their ego and self-perception.