Confused and Sad | Is this time for real?

[dp7]

Hi all,

I’m at an absolute loss with so many feelings. I’m angry, annoyed, but most of all absolutely sad and confused. My partner of 3 years was diagnosed with BPD 4 months ago when he started individual therapy. We were also doing bi-weekly couple’s therapy. 2-3 weeks ago, he decided to take a break from both with the intention of going back. He was making noticeable progress and very quickly, and I recently got into therapy to work on overcoming enmeshment that this caused, learning how to deal with BPD, and learning how to prioritize myself. I started my own individual therapy 3 weeks ago so it’s all still new to me.

In the past, we’ve had conversations where my partner threatened a break up, but this time it feels a little more real because after he was crying he was very calm and sent me a copy of what he had recited to me. Based off of what he’s saying, I can tell he feels a lot of guilt and shame. He’s identifying with the disorder and thinks he’s saving me from it… when it isn’t his job to make that call for me just like it isn’t my job to save him. I don’t know what to think. I wanted to marry this man. I’m feeling hopeless, lost, and confused.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, thoughts on the situation, personal anecdotes, etc that can help me get through this moment? I hope this isn’t for real.

Here’s what he recited to me:

“ My goal here is stay regulated. If you feel me getting intense, feel free to end the conversation and walk away.

I have to leave [my name].
I love you very much and I want you to know that.

My life is going to be hard. I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. I’ll be trying on new identities desperately hoping that I find the one that sticks. The one that actually makes me happy. Deep down I know I won’t find it and my life will inevitably be very superficial. I am going to be living a transient life, going from one place to another. Hardly ever spending more than 6 months in one place. That’s about all I have before i have a meltdown and decide that it’s the place around me that’s the problem and change it. Try again. Maybe this one will stick.

My morals, boundaries and thought processes are wholly determined by my surroundings. I don’t know what I like so I like what everyone else likes around me. I’m just putty.

As my life goes on, I’m seeking increasingly wild, fringe, and extreme areas of life to attempt to find my people. I’m intense and extreme so naturally I think I’ll fit in. Or my antics would be better tolerated at the least.

We talk and deal with some of the more obvious symptoms of BDP. But there’s a whole another world to it that you don’t get to see. Things like a favorite person. I get infatuated with people, and I’ve recognized long before the diagnosis the transitory nature of these feelings. I can’t talk to you about these things because they hurt your feelings and bring up very natural feelings of insecurity. So I avoid people. I have to disengage from everyone to prevent favorite person PLEASE READ from happening.  This is just one example. To be honest, things like developing a favorite person or being radically impulsive or my random hyper promiscuity are the best parts of BPD. It’s fun and exhilarating and it makes me feel alive. I have to tamp these traits down in a relationship because I know my behavior affects other people. But what I’m left with are just the negatives and discontentment and stress of BPD with no way to release. I’ve never been able to fully realize all sides of me. Before you, I was too anxious and broken to engage with people. And now I choose not to because of how it’ll affect my partner. It’s time for me to stretch my wings bubba.

I’m not leaving because I think I can find someone better. I don’t think I ever will find a more stable and loving relationship. I just need to be myself for a while. Flaws and all. I think not being true to myself is causing more flare ups between the two of us.

You’re being abused [my name]. And I think you’re traumatized. I’ve obliterated your self confidence and have consistently made you feel subpar. I so desperately want to treat you the way I know you deserve but I can’t seem to do it. And we’ve been in this cycle for such a long time. I know you’re scared of change, so am I. You asked me why I’m still with you this weekend and truthfully it’s because I’m scared of what’s going to come of me when left to my own devices in this new gay world I’ve found myself in. So therefore, I’ve been selfish. I’ve been holding onto you to protect myself from me. But I’m destroying you in the process. If I wasn’t so selfish, I would have let you go a long time ago. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too with a whiskey to wash it down. I love you and I can’t do this to you anymore. It isn’t your job to save me or protect me, it never was your responsibility. It’s mine.

I really want to do this as amicable as possible. I have hope that there’s still a possibility that we can continue to be in each other lives in some capacity. I only want the best for you. Let me know what you need from me to ease the transition.”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Wow that is an interesting statement because, in my own experience, I have not heard my BPD mother often express insight into how her behavior affects the people closest to her.

You’re being abused [my name]. And I think you’re traumatized. I’ve obliterated your self confidence and have consistently made you feel subpar. I so desperately want to treat you the way I know you deserve but I can’t seem to do it.

The part about knowing that his behavior has hurt you seems insightful and also- about himself, how his behavior is impulsive in ways- and yet, he enjoys that aspect of himself. That seems honest.

And this: My morals, boundaries and thought processes are wholly determined by my surroundings. I don’t know what I like so I like what everyone else likes around me. I’m just putty.


If he's being honest, this could be transparent, but also If he's got something else in mind- it's a way to break up and be with someone else while appearing to be the "good guy" and leave in order "to spare you from his behavior". This makes him sound like the one who is "leaving because he cares".

And that- would be more typical of something my mother would say, because she isn't transparent about her motives. She doesn't reveal what she's up to and then frames it in a way that she isn't to blame or accountable for that.

Only you can decide what these statements may mean in regards to your partner but it's not just a statement of expressing concern for how he treats you.  He mentioned a Favorite Person (and he mentioned promiscuity- so maybe more than one Favorite Person) and framing this idea on his BPD. "Because of my BPD, I have a favorite person that I can't tell you about and now, I need to be free to express my BPD"

 It’s time for me to stretch my wings bubba.


I think it would help to sit quietly with your own feelings and decide what you think is going on. This is understandably difficult.

[Notwendy]

This is a time to think about your boundaries. It appears you are his main support financially. So he may not be inclined to want to give it up and suggests some ongoing type of relationship. If you want a monogamous one, then supporting him while he chooses to "stretch his wings" (ie be intimate with other people) then- this would be a difficult situation for you to be in.

If you are OK with an open relationship, than that's your choice too. But I think being in a situation of providing support for someone while they are also with other people can lead to you feeling resentful.

Some things to think about.

[dp7]

Thank you so much, NotWendy

In my opinion, he’s lucky that he’s pretty introspective. It seems like that’s a pretty rare quality amongst people diagnosed with BPD. Being familiar with his story, I know he’d disagree. The introspection also causes him to focus on so much of the negative in a predictably black & white way. Before meeting me, he had a tendency to cut relationships short based on the idea that he’d hurt, damage, or disappoint the other person. One of his primary coping mechanisms is isolation.

I’m realizing that I need to add a bit more context too. His “promiscuity” is referencing our past. We tried the open relationship thing while living in San Francisco (it seemed to be the norm there). He was undiagnosed at the time and I had no idea how to handle his extreme fluctuations. His “boundaries” ebbed and flowed as did his expectations of how I should operate in my own hookups with people. This caused a lot of strife and confusion. We’re closed now but we live in a very gay neighborhood where hookup culture still surrounds us. Sometimes he gets frustrated because he wants to be more “open” like the other couples we encounter, sometimes he says he hates that part of the culture and wants to be completely removed from it. I’m a bit more grounded than he is and have a firm understanding of what sparks to me, what doesn’t, and what I’m open to exploring. He’s more loose because, in my observations, what’s he’s interested in fluctuates dramatically based on his emotional state. He also has struggled with sexuality issues and has thought that he was asexual… he’s explored this with his therapist, we’ve had conversations about it, and then when the time came to dive in to figure that out he decided it wasn’t important enough anymore.

He also doesn’t rely on me financially. He’s very fortunate in that he has family wealth, so him not working has been fine for him. He doesn’t need an income. It’s honestly a blessing for him because he’s able to avoid the triggers of work life while working on his BPD.

With that, I don’t think he’s up to anything nefarious. I think he feels a lot of shame about his role in our relationship. Every time we’ve gotten into a fight while he’s dysregulated, he gets the anger out and then hits a deep shame cycle where he explains how toxic he is, how he’s hurting me, how he loves me and doesn’t want me to hate him for hurting me and eventually seeing him as the worst mistake of my life.

The reality is that he got a diagnosis 3-4months ago and has been making some pretty great improvements ever since. Even my individual therapist makes it a point to highlight how well he’s doing considering he hasn’t been in therapy for long. But, what brought us to the point of him seeking help was hitting rock bottom. He got very depressed, had suicidal ideation, and turned to substance abuse. He’s been on the mend but our relationship is still in a lull and I’m still just now learning how to not be enmeshed, how to best communicate, to focus on myself, and to not take things personally. I feel like he sees the current lull as another signifier of his inadequacy and the harm his emotions have caused. Is there some truth to that? Absolutely. But there’s more color that he isn’t seeing. I got overwhelmed leading up to his diagnosis. I got used to walking on egg shells. It’s going to take some time to re-learn how to work on our relationship in a productive way and, I think, being in a lull while we figure that out is kind of expected?

On my end, there was a point where we hadn’t had a blow up in 3.5 weeks when they were happening every few days. I got used to the tumultuous nature of things so I caught myself feeling odd when they stopped. I realized that I was just adjusting after being in such a heightened emotional state.

It’s all very complicated, but it seems like that’s the commonality of everyone’s stories in dealing with a BPD partner.

What I will say is that I love him very much, I do see a positive future for our relationship, but it’s going to take time. I wish he focused more on the improvements that he’s made in just a few short months instead of digging in the past and trying to live in his actions pre-diagnosis. We now know what we’re dealing with and I just want to keep moving forward.

Thanks for reading my lengthy post. I very much appreciate your feedback and perspective

[Notwendy]

It's good that he's not usually "up to something" which is the situation with my BPD mother. She doesn't usually reveal what her motives are.

Your partner being self supporting is also a different situation, as my mother is financially dependent, but I think the result of not having to do tasks of some sort- either in the home or out- does lead to a sense of low self esteem and possibly some shame. It may be that your partner's expressed interest in other relationships is in part, feeling low about himself and seeking the attention and excitement from that.

Whether he stays or leaves, or seeks another relationship of sorts- you can't control his choices. One thing to consider is that what someone with BPD says is more reflection of their own feelings than you. One way they cope is by projection. So rather than identify the feelings as his own, the solution seems external. Leaving, starting with someone else- he may think that's a solution to his feelings, but it would more likely be a temporary fix as the feelings are his.

So back to your other post- if you are at work during the day and he's home alone, that may be why he's feeling low. You are also correct that you can't fix this for him. It was a similar situation with my BPD mother. Not having to work or do tasks- on one hand, avoids the triggers and stresses of that- and on the other hand, they don't experience the other aspects of that which is a feeling of accomplishment. It might help if you could lean on him for some household tasks.

Hard to know what he means by what he says but it may be he's feeling lonely and shame for his situation.

[dp7]

Thank you for the insight, NotWendy.

Yesterday I was feeling strong. Today, not so much. We live together so I spent my day out of the house and immediately sequestered myself in our spare bedroom when I got home because I wasn’t feeling a conversation.

I hope that this pans out to be a best case scenario of sorts: the rock bottom needed to influence rapid change for the betterment of our overall relationship. But, you are right, I can’t control his decisions so I guess only time will tell. I do feel bad for him though. I’ve been reading “Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” and that’s been helpful but also a bit sad in getting further color on the feelings of those with BPD.

[dp7]

Quick Update: we talked briefly for the first time since yesterday morning. This is the 2nd time where the breakup feels real but the 3rd or 4th time of it being threatened.

This most recent conversation devastated me, not because of anything that was said but because of how it felt. He seemed distant, as if he was walking me off while I was of course crying. He restated his love for me and how he will always be there for me even if my pride prevents me from reaching out. When I told him that I didn’t want to lose him, he said I already had which destroyed me. I am feeling pretty hopeless and empty right now.

The other time that it got this bad and real feeling was very similar. He broke up with me on a Thursday, was distant that night, remained distance and firm until Sunday. In that period, I talked to a lot of friends who were supportive. And a few of them offered to house me for a visit out of state. When I started making plans to do that, I started feeling a little better and more calm. And then we ended up having another conversation that led us to rekindling the relationship. In that instance, his stance was very similar to now in that his justification for it was he felt like he was hurting me and he loved me and didn’t want to ruin my life when I deserved better. He framed it as though he was doing me a favor and he was damaged and only worthy of a life of solitude while he tried to find an identity. That was before his BPD diagnosis back in November. We rekindled things, he was still depressed and secretly turning to substance abuse to cope, and then in December we decided to go to Colorado for Christmas. That’s when he discovered BPD, started doing research, and hyper fixated on him having the disorder. In that same period, I caught him turning to substance abuse. He went through a shame spiral and that pushed him to wanting to do couples therapy (in retrospect, I think it’s because he was too afraid of starting with individual therapy due to trauma with that in the past. We started seeing a couples therapist who had experience with BPD patients but she of course wouldn’t give him an official diagnosis since it was a couples session. She instead encouraged him to see an individual therapist. Because of insurance issues it took him a few months to finally start where he got an official diagnosis. His therapist said he was exhibiting a severe case of BPD. But he has been doing the work, which has kept me going.

Flash forward to now, his reasons are the same as last time. He’s framing it as if he’s not a good a person and he loves me so he has to let me find what I deserve. I think a significant part of this began last weekend on a birthday trip. The night didn’t go as planned and I could tell he felt super guilty and at fault for that. He kept trying to make it better and then the next day he started asking me questions about how I was feeling. I was hungover, a little sleep deprived, and very emotional about turning 30 and the night not going as planned. In that state I said “I hate my life. I feel like I can’t do anything right” and he severely latched on to that, blamed himself for it, and made it all about him referencing that for the days to come. I tried to explain how I was just in an emotional state and expressing those emotions, but he kept seeing those feelings as absolute facts. He dysregulated the next day and I handled it well but in that state he texted me: “I’m sorry that I got intense, I really wanted to avoid that. I used to think that I wanted to leave the relationship when I got unregulated but I’ve learned that I become unregulated when I know I need to leave. I’m destroying you. Slowly but surely. And you confirmed it for me during our conversations yesterday. I truly believe that I have made your life worse and done damage that will probably take years to repair.

But there’s no shame in this episode. I am who I am and that’s okay. I didn’t do anything that I’m embarrassed of or anything like that. I’m confident that this is what’s best for the both of us. And you will thank me one day on the other side of this. You’re gonna be so happy and feel so loved. You deserve it, you’re a great guy bub. The best man I’ve ever met…but I have to let you go not because I don’t love you, it’s because I do love you.”

I tried to figure out how to validate him without agreeing with him and replied with: “ It’s okay. I know you’re working hard to improve yourself. You’ve made a lot of progress in a short amount of time.

I love you too. I respect what you think is best for you, even if I disagree with it”

An hour later, I went back to the hotel, he had cooled off and we went to go grab dinner, had a great time, and then went back to the hotel where he suggested I pick a movie to watch. We did that and he was so cuddly and loving that night that I thought he was over that conversation.

For the next few days, we had a great time in each others company. Had pillow fort movie nights, ate the best food, and were super affectionate. And then Thursday hit and he seemed to be tired (kind of lethargic and emotionless). I let it be and we carried on with our day but didn’t have a lot of meaningful conversation. The next morning I could tell something was off because he randomly texted me asking if I was going to work from home today… it’s weird, but he has only done that when he’s dysregulated. I didn’t work from home that day because I had after work plans with coworkers. I proceeded with those, we didn’t text all day, and when we got home I could tell he was still off but we carried on with our Friday evening, put on our favorite show, and ordered pizza. Saturday morning he broke up with me with everything I’ve said above.

This doesn’t make sense but it feels so real. How do we go from one day planning a move together, being super loving, and feeling good, to 2 days later him breaking up with me and acting like he was planning that all along (then why was he being so affectionate, sending me Zillow links for places we could live, coming up with timelines on a move out date)? For further context, we both live in LA and don’t like it. That’s added a lot of stress to our lives so he said we needed to move by the end of the year because it was getting to him.

Anywho, I’m lost and confused and don’t want this to be real.

[Pook075]

Hi dp7, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

First off, your story is pretty remarkable because your spouse is very self aware...that feels like a rarity in BPD and it's reason for hope.  He'd rather end things than continue to hurt you, which is noble.  He also gave good advice for when he's dysregulated...just walk away when he's being unfair.  That's impressive and it is not the natural narrative here.

Second, I just want to say that time is on your side.  He's made tons of progress in a short period of time, but he still doesn't have any of this figured out on how a relationship could actually work.  That's okay.  Just be there for him when he allows you to be and start building healthy boundaries.  If you say or do this, I'm walking away.  When you do this, I'm leaving for a night or two.  Make it crystal clear what is and isn't okay.

One last piece of advice, stick to the therapy for yourself.  Keep talking through this and soak up everything you can BPD-related.  The stickies along the top of this site are awesome and not "one-time" reads...there's so much helpful knowledge there and some things won't truly click until later.  This is all very fresh and you're spinning, so just know that this too shall pass.  You need some time to heal and re-evaluate everything that's happening.

Again, your partner has exceptional understanding for someone with BPD.  Maybe he's just repeating what a counselor says, maybe not.  A part of me wants to say that this doesn't even sound like BPD, but that's not fair as an outsider looking in.  There is a lot of hope there though.

[dp7]

Hi Pook075,

Thank you for the quick response. I'm feeling empty and alone right now so reading your post helped me tremendously. I've been in touch with friends, but I'm waiting for them to have some free time for a call so I can feel some familiar support. In the interim, I'm just on here trying to cope.

First off, your story is pretty remarkable because your spouse is very self aware...that feels like a rarity in BPD and it's reason for hope.  He'd rather end things than continue to hurt you, which is noble.  He also gave good advice for when he's dysregulated...just walk away when he's being unfair.  That's impressive and it is not the natural narrative here.

I fully agree with you. It's what has given me hope. He went from blowing up over the most insignificant things (like me locking the bathroom door while showering when he needed to pee) every 2-3 days, to being able to manage for 2-3 weeks before blowing up. I just wish he saw it that way. He still very much speaks of himself as if he's damaged with no hope to ever get better. It's like he has a logical understanding that he is improving but his feelings about himself haven't caught up. He keeps framing things as if he is incapable of change despite the evidence suggesting otherwise. He does feel a lot more shame now that he's aware of BPD though. When he blows up, he snaps out of it in about 2 days now but it's usually followed by him being super down on himself, discussing his disorder, and feeling like he's the worst thing in my life... hence his primary justification for this breakup.

Second, I just want to say that time is on your side.  He's made tons of progress in a short period of time, but he still doesn't have any of this figured out on how a relationship could actually work.  That's okay.  Just be there for him when he allows you to be and start building healthy boundaries.  If you say or do this, I'm walking away.  When you do this, I'm leaving for a night or two.  Make it crystal clear what is and isn't okay.

Thank you! It most certainly is. In my head, the next year of his therapy journey was going to be the most difficult before things started getting significantly better. My worry now is that he no longer wants to be my partner. It's hard for me to understand and accept that his wanting to break up is real right now. It just doesn't seem right despite what he's currently saying. I also have done a poor job at validating his current feelings. I'm reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and literally just got to a chapter where they use some of what my BPD partner said for this breakup as an example. This book mentions that people have identity constructs, and usually people with BPD have a tendency to see themselves as bad, worthless, out of control, etc via their identity constructs. The book stresses the importance of validating that without agreeing with them instead of just refuting those claims... which will push them away. I have done the latter, combatting his low self-worth towards his role in my life with "No, you're not. You're great because of xyz". Instead, I should have said "Look I know you think you're toxic, worthless, a bad person. And I know that you think that some of the things you've done have resulted in you feeling that way. Here's how I see it: I've noticed how loving and committed you are to xyz". Validation before giving my perspective would've helped (I think).

To your point, I think that I do need to seize this as an opportunity to establish some boundaries (if he does come back to wanting to be in this relationship).

I'll keep doing therapy, working on honing my communication and validation skills, and reading everything on this board. I hope things ease up soon because you are right, there's a lot of hope to be had. There's a future here with him, I just wish he could see it as clearly as everyone else can (people here, our couple's therapist, my individual therapist)

[Pook075]

I'll keep doing therapy, working on honing my communication and validation skills, and reading everything on this board. I hope things ease up soon because you are right, there's a lot of hope to be had. There's a future here with him, I just wish he could see it as clearly as everyone else can (people here, our couple's therapist, my individual therapist)

This is the "reversing" thread so the advice here will lean towards repairing a damaged relationship.  In my experience here though, it feels like a lot more of the relationships could have been salvaged with time and a greater understanding of dealing with BPD.  A lot of people give up because it's just too much to navigate, always having to be cautious with words and expecting the occasional blow-up.

Part of your job in the relationship is actually self reflection and healing from the past trauma.  The more in touch you are with your own feelings and emotions, the better you'll be able to understand him and be there in the tough times.  So right now, you have to put yourself first and take some me-time to do things that you enjoy- even if it's a walk in the park or a girls night out.  Take this opportunity for you.

I hope that helps!  We're rooting for you!

[dp7]

Thank you, Pook075!

Apologies, my anxiety got the best of me. I'm going to try to stay hopeful about this breakup reversing. Again, I need to remind myself that this is still very fresh... I only started learning the tools a few months ago.

I'll put myself first right now and seize this difficult moment as a good period for me-time. I'm hanging in there and your support is very much appreciated!

[Notwendy]

There can be a push-pull pattern to these relationships. I have read some descriptions about BPD being a disorder of attachment and it impacts the most intimate relationships the most. This is why it can look like the pwBPD acts differently with friends and casual relationships than they do with a romantic partner. With less attachment, there's less anxiety and fear for them.

They also have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings and tend to perceive them as something external- like it's their partner causing them, or some outside thing or person would solve them.

Looking at the other time you described- you began to pull it together, make plans to stay with friends and -- somehow he turned around. Now, I do not suggest anyone do this as a means of controlling their partner's responses. This is also called a "dance" in the sense that each partner does this push pull dysfunction. Being painted white may follow being painted black but as you see that can change.

People always have the choice to leave a relationship. He may do that and he may not. It's not possible to control that. That would be difficult- but know that as hard as it is, you are still you and you have value. It may also be that this is a part of who he is- push pull and your task is to take care of yourself when he's pulling, try to stay grounded and less emotionally reactive to him.

BPD relationships can have similar patterns but how someone manages their feelings can vary and it is a spectrum disorder. It seems your partner withdraws and shame spirals. Some relationships involve behaviors such as abuse, damaging spending, dishonesty, substance abuse. These are serious issues. So a decision for the non-BPD partner to stay or leave is individual. However, your partner seems to be insightful and willing to seek help, and there's hope in that for him.

[kells76]

Hey dp7, glad you're sharing your story here.

Reading through what's going on reminded me of this article we have on, interestingly, supporting a child with BPD in therapy. If you replace the word "child" in the article with "partner", I'm wondering if the dynamics apply.

The part that seemed most applicable was this:

How Long Does It Take To Recover?
 

Change is difficult.
Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that "great" progress has been made or giving "You can do it" reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment. The families of people with Borderline Personality Disorder can tell countless stories of instances in which their son or daughter went into crisis just as that person was beginning to function better or to take on more responsibility.

The coupling of improvement with a relapse is confusing and frustrating, but has a logic to it. When people make progress - by working, leaving day treatment, helping in the home, diminishing self-destructive behaviors, or living alone- they are becoming more independent. They run the risk that those around them who have been supportive, concerned, and protective will pull away, concluding that their work is done. The supplies of emotional and financial assistance may soon dry up, leaving the person to fend for herself in the world. Thus, they fear abandonment. Their response to the fear is a relapse.

They may not make a conscious decision to relapse, but fear and anxiety can drive them to use old coping methods. Missed days at work; self-mutilation; a suicide attempt; or a bout of overeating, purging or drinking, may be  signs that let everyone around know that the individual remains in distress and needs their help. Such relapses may compel those around her to take responsibility for her through protective measures such as hospitalization. Once hospitalized, she has returned to her most regressed state in which she has no responsibilities while others take care of her. When signs of progress appear, family members can reduce the risk of relapse by not showing too much excitement about the progress and by cautioning the individual to move slowly.

This is why experienced members of a hospital staff tell borderline patients during discharge not that they feel confident about their prospects, but that they know the patient will confront many hard problems ahead. While it is important to acknowledge progress with a pat on the back, it is meanwhile necessary to convey understanding that progress is very difficult to achieve. It does not mean that the person has overcome her emotional struggles. You can do this by avoiding statements such as, "You’ve made great progress," or, "I’m so impressed with the change in you." Such messages imply that you think they are well or over their prior problems. Even statements of reassurance such as, "That wasn’t so hard," or, "I knew you could do it," suggest that you minimize their struggle. A message such as, "Your progress shows real effort. You’ve worked hard. I’m pleased that you were able to do it, but I’m worried that this is all too stressful for you," can be more empathic and less risky.

I wonder if he feels like there's more to lose, now that he seems to be engaging with therapy, and so as a way to stave off a believed or perceived "fall" from "being better" -- it's more disappointing to be happy and then lose it, than to be sad at rock bottom with no pain of loss -- he's undermining his own successes as a protective measure.

It'd be interesting to hear how it'd go to engage with his recovery less along the lines of "but look how far you've come so quickly!" and more along the lines of "you've definitely put in the work, even though there might still hard times and setbacks to come" (or something that balances acknowledgment of effort with a safe "bringing it back to earth" statement that it'll be a long journey).

This stuff is counter-intuitive, for sure.

Let us know what you think about the rest of the article -- the section on collaborative problem-solving for a person wBPD also stood out to me as relevant to your concern about his current situation.

-kells76

[dp7]

Thanks again, NotWendy.

Upon reflection, you're correct in your assessment on this push-pull pattern. He even did it to an extent before we were officially together. In one instance, while we were still friends, things seemed to be sparking romantically via nonstop texts and late night phone calls... and then suddenly one morning he texted me that he no longer "liked me like that". I had little investment back then so I just let it be, replied with a simple "I don't see how that makes sense but that's fine". And carried on with my life. 2 days of NC later and he was texting me acting as if nothing happened... I called him out on it, he apologized and explained that he got scared of the closeness and how he might mess things up, and I forgave him.

It's so interesting to see how these BPD traits are so obvious in retrospect. In the moment, I thought he was just confused and simply self-sabotaging because a lack of life experience, not because of having a serious mental illness.

A relationship takes two, and I logically know that all I can do is take care of my side of the street. Yesterday, I was feeling extremely sad and anxious. Today I'm feeling a little more confident and grounded. I'm sure I'll continue ebbing and flowing for the next few days.

We did talk yesterday when I got home from distracting myself. It was so interesting in that he has seemed to be relatively calm, but the facade broke for me yesterday when I let him ramble. I've been doing a lot of reading and posting on this forum this weekend, so I knew that all I could do (and all I was capable of in the moment) was to just listen and hear his point of view. With that, I didn't try to formulate any responses, I just listened. I waited an extra beat when he paused in between statements and omg... it seemed to work to an extent. He started very calm, then kept talking, would pause, I'd just stay silent, and then he'd ramble on something else, with each statement getting increasingly heightened (almost like he was spiraling in anxiety the more he spoke). In that moment, I knew his calmness was a facade, and he was struggling internally. He seemed dysregulated, but instead of having an external outburst, he was holding onto feelings that were finally coming out as words.

Of course, he explained his feelings of loneliness, isolation, a lack of identity, the need to make friends... and framed it as if the reason he felt all of those things was because he was in a relationship. He's already quite socially anxious, and he said that the calculus he has to do to take me into consideration (ie find a job in a location that works for where I need to live, make friends that he thinks I would deem as acceptable, etc) seemed very difficult. Of course, I heavily disagree with that but I knew better to try to refute those claims in conversation. The tools on here made me remember that in his head, feelings are facts, and me trying to apply logic would only escalate the issue. So I listened, I validated his feelings without agreeing with his faulty logic, I added in the additional color I saw in how he was painting our relationship after acknowledging how I can understand why he feels he may be toxic based on the results of his past actions. And then he broke down and started crying, telling me he loved me, etc. But he bought a plane ticket to Colorado to go stay at his dad's house so I guess he's still leaving me?

After re-reading the article that Kells76 just shared, I do realize that I made one minor mistake though. I mistakenly suggested that great progress has been made and I was very proud of him for it.

All in all, the night was very weird to say the least. We had that conversation, he got his feelings out, I validated, and bit my tongue at how I disagreed with his logic, and then I went to the spare bedroom to be by myself and continue reading. He offered to cook dinner and I told him I wasn't hungry. He made me a plate anyway and told me he left it in the microwave if I changed my mind. He told me he loved me a few times when I entered the room, offered to clean the house tomorrow so I wouldn't have to do anything... and then I went to sleep.

This morning he seemed to be sad or off? He texted me that he was ordering donuts for breakfast because he "didn't give a f*ck anymore". I didn't see his text so he asked me again in person when I walked into the living room. We were supposed to do dinner with my dad tonight for my birthday. He asked me if I still wanted him to go? I told him I don't know yet, and left to go work from a local coffee shop. He's texting me tiktoks now...

All very confusing.

[dp7]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you for the reply and for the support. I hope my story can eventually help others as well. After reading a bunch of postings here last night, I also realize that I'm one of the lucky few with a partner that is self-aware, acknowledges & accepts his diagnosis, and is still in treatment after a few months... he just feels so much shame around it right now.

Reading through what's going on reminded me of this article we have on, interestingly, supporting a child with BPD in therapy. If you replace the word "child" in the article with "partner", I'm wondering if the dynamics apply.

I just re-read this with fresh eyes and some more perspective and wow... the dynamic certainly applies. I definitely dropped the ball a little when I had a conversation with him last night. I tried being too positive highlighting the great progress he's made in such a short amount of time, the good prognosis ahead, etc... It's so counter-intuitive to see that as a negative thing. But reading the article again helped me understand why.

From my perspective, I think what's going on is two-fold:
- He has a lot of shame for his outbursts and how he treats me when he's in the midst of one and is painting our entire relationship black as a result of it. It's interesting because he isn't painting me black, he's painting his role in our dynamic black. Which makes him feel like he's just ruining me, he's toxic, incapable of love, etc.
- As he's healing, he's becoming more self-aware. His self-awareness is making him realize just how much of an identity that he's lacking. How that lack of identity plays into his impulsive decision making, his inability to understand his own boundaries, his inability to figure out what he wants to do with his life career-wise, what kind of friends he wants, etc.. He seems to think that he can't figure out any of this without hurting me in some way. There's a grain of truth to that, but obviously he's taking an extreme mode of thinking about that. Do his decisions affect me? Yes, but it is my job to determine how to cope if they impact me negatively. For example, if he decides to skip friday night date night because he wants to make new friends. Will I be disappointed, maybe to a very slight extent but I'd be over it in maybe 2 minutes because logic would set in and I'd remember that we can just do date night a different day of the week. In his head even the slightest hint of disappointment, a raised eyebrow, a shoulder shrug, means that I am hurt... and that is not the case.

Because he can't seem to reconcile the two, he's stuck in thinking that he needs to leave me, even though he "loves" and "wants to be with" me. That's my analysis so far at least. I'm certainly seeing some black and white, all or nothing, thinking patterns in full force right now. It's just so interesting that he isn't painting me black... he's painting himself black, feeling shame, and seeks to take action on that by cutting himself out of the picture to feel better?

The reality is that, at least from what I know and can perceive, his feelings of shame and a lack of identity won't ease by him being on his own and isolated. Maybe he'll get temporary relief from the shame because he'll think he did right by me, but then that'll quickly turn to guilt and fear that he blew it forever... only amplified by the harsh truth that even then, he still won't feel like he has an identity.

Sorry for the word vomit. It is nice to get all of my thoughts written out instead of swirling around in my head though.

Thank you for being there!

[Mothy100]

My understanding is a pwBPD untreated or particularly early in treatment will have two options that stem from the following fact.


There has to be a 'bad' object

That is to say someone has to be bad , abusive , defective, inherently not ok or the cause of the negative emotions etc.

It's just the way a pwBPD veiws the world.

Usually you , I or their partner is the 'bad object' the cause of the pain , disregualtion.  This is to totally to avoid the only 'other' option the PD presents them.

That they are the 'bad object'

This links in with splitting and needing to see the world in black and white.

It maybe that they are genuinely leaving , but I'd say more.likely that it's the above internal dynamic shifting.

A person without BPD might usually be able.to accept there part , their significant others part , apply some compassion , stay out of toxic shame and.guilt and realise that there is no one to 'blame'. That there is an option for healing and mutual accountability. They might intuitively know that there are no bad objects/people , just someone struggling with a mental illness who , yes , has caused some damage , but can forgive and be forgiven.

It's a pretty nasty trap to fall into again and again.

I watch my partner struggle with it every she splits,  firstly I am an abuser a Narcissist,  manipulator and all round terrible human being.

I know she is coming put of the split ( typically 2 or 3 days later)   when she tells me it's all her suddenly and I need to leave quickly or the more magnanimous (sigh) ' I'm finishing the relationship for your own good' .

I watch her struggle with these dual internal dynamics then as quickly as it all started it stops and we carry on with our lives.

Your pwBPD may leave , of course they could,  but in my experience as soon as you ' agree'with this outcome they will change back to it being your fault

You are the 'bad Object'

It's heartbreaking,  but that's BPD

In short, and put plainly  it them struggling  with holding a burning hot potato ( a really big life threatening) hot potato

Someone has to hold it in BPD land

Treatment over time can help with all this. I don't know,  this could be a positive , it's difficult to look into the future

It's always going to be difficult to stay focused and grounded with the fact that treatment is a process and takes time

There is no crystal ball ( and I absolutely hate that fact)

[dp7]

Thanks for the response, Monthy!

I hear you and have totally seen that pattern play out a few times in my own relationship. This time feels different and a little more real... which is bothering me significantly.

We had a conversation yesterday where he wasn't totally making sense. It's also so difficult to know what his truth is versus what he's saying based off of emotion to hurt me.

Last night, we had another conversation where he said he felt less lonely when he was by himself. When I told him to elaborate, his main justification was that he was at least able to fill his time with random conversations with people he'd never meet that were online via dating apps... and now he was just sitting at home waiting for me (illogical because he has a couple of friends he could reach out to, and the friends that he was making, he dropped them all on a whim at different points). Later in the conversation, I referenced that by apologizing for contributing to that feeling. He then tried to back track and make it sounds like I was misinterpreting what he meant... but no, I used his exact wording. And then he went off on how "If we stayed together, would you be okay with..." and started listing out extreme examples like "What if I wanted to be polyamorous? What if you weren't the primary partner? What if there were no primary partners? What if I just wanted a relationship where we did our own things and came together from time to time?". It all seemed very erratic. I validated to the best of my ability before saying "I don't know. I've never thought about those scenarios or what that means. Have you thought about them?" To which he replied with an astounding "Well, no. But what if? I don't want to hurt you if that's what ends up happening. And I'm exhausted of worrying". All I could do was validate where I could at that point and listen. It didn't make sense or seem worth it to go down a rabbit hole of what if's to determine moving forward in our relationship. The smart a** in me wanted to reply with an assortment of random and extreme "what if's?" but I bit my tongue.

Anywho, I am still sad, still confused, and increasingly exhausted.

His constant expressions of "I love you" in the middle of these conversations do not help although they provide some comfort for a brief moment.

Oh! And during our conversation yesterday, he also seemed to be blaming me for being an "enabler" and for "caretaking him". He used the example of me picking up plates that he sometimes puts on the table and putting them in the sink for him. I validated that too but found myself mistakenly explaining after that... I explained that had no idea what's been going on with him and I was reacting as many would do in the situation: logically, it was easier for me to just handle the small things to avoid dealing with extreme emotions and the stress of that. But, when he got his diagnosis a few months ago, I started doing the research and realized that I was intuitively responding the WRONG way, and have been making strides towards changing that.

He's going to his dad's house in Colorado for a month starting on Thursday... we will see what the future holds :/

[dp7]

Oh yeah, and just for the sake for keeping this all documented for the readers to come, we did chat about his diagnosis a bit yesterday.

He started talking to me about how he doesn't necessarily think it's the therapy that's been helping him... and he's tired of both his therapist and myself telling him that things will get better. He wants to operate as if they won't. He said that his progress was a result of him being able to talk about his feelings more (which is a result of therapy but I wasn't going to do that math for him while he was heated). That inspired me to ask him "Do you think that you have BPD? Or do you think your therapist misdiagnosed you?". He wobbled for a beat with a "I do and I don't"... but he went on to explain himself and settled on "I do think I have BPD, but I was able to control it better before" -- and I wasn't going to tell him that his version of "control" actually meant avoiding contact and isolating, never letting anyone get too close. I also wasn't going to point to all of the examples of splitting he talked to me about before we were officially dating... or how he did that early in our relationship on vacations and with family and with friends during the era that he thinks he "had it under control".

Anyway, it's been interesting because my partner is self-aware... but it sounds like as progress is being made, he's trying to reel himself into his old methods of thinking "I'll never get better" "this is how it'll be forever" "I don't need anyone, I'll isolate" "Therapy doesn't work" (even though I've said it does when regulated).

Sorry for the rant... I do hope that this anecdote is able to help someone else down the line though

[FarDrop77]

I'm still amazed at how so many pwbod say and do the same things ... my wife does that same escalating-in-intensity thing, the same "what would you do if ..." thing (about stuff she would never do), and the "you should leave me" thing...

The difference, though ( and I may be naive as to how subtle pwbpd can get), is that your partner seems to have mostly coherent reasoning in his breakup letter (even if he's partially saying he wants to indulge in his risky behaviors?).
 When my wife talks about why I should leave, it always has elements of absurdity that make it impossible to take seriously - like she'll cast me in the role of a very superficial person and tell me I should find a hot partner who wants lots of sex,  that I could pick one of my "thousands of adoring fans" and the personality wouldn't matter to me.  Conversely when she talks about why she should leave it's how I'm untrustworthy or my family is abusive.  She would never just say "I need to work on myself", "I think we've grown apart", or "I think our child is suffering from our fighting" - or any of the typical reasons people break up - because that wouldn't make her a victim or put enough blame on me.  It has to be traumatic to be acceptable. I think if she wrote a letter like yours that I would be completely shocked at the level of introspection and actually feel kind of proud and happy, like I was finally dealing with an adult.  I'd try to be understanding and let her know I would still be there for her if she needed.

Confusingly, maybe it doesn't matter - if he is splitting, he may turn around and come back in a few days, maybe faster if you don't seem to fight it and his abandonment anxiety overrides him. And if he's not splitting and is actually making a rational choice, then maybe he really is growing, and ironically there's actually no reason to leave because he's not going down the usual path of bpd implosion.

[dp7]

Hi FarDrop77,

Thank you for your response and insight!

It is interesting this time around in that his letter to me seemed grounded and rational. It's new for me, but I've witnessed him do this before to his Dad. We were all at their Colorado house together and his dad asked him if he could clean up after himself (ie if he spills something on the counter, then he should wipe it down. He should put his dishes in the dishwasher, etc). He got extremely upset, didn't talk to his dad for a few days making things awkward in the house, told me we needed to get out of there ASAP and he'd no longer talk to his dad (but it was fourth of july week and there was nowhere nearby to go without spending a ton of money), and then wrote him a letter that he read aloud to him. His letter also seemed rational then, though the catalyst for it was definitely blown out of proportion. I didn't think much of it.

Again, I think his letter is pretty rational, but the subsequent conversations we've had have started to dip into feeling a bit all over the place. I know that a little over a week ago, he was reading Quora posts by written by partners in relationships with someone that had BPD. Of course, he honed in on how each commenter was saying good riddance, BPD relationships are the worst, I'll never talk to that person with BPD again...etc. He sent me one of those posts asking me to read it.

Anywho, I'm getting a little confused now because conversations seem to be about different things every time we speak. Last we spoke, he told me I was trying to convince him to stay and he had made his decision along with other things.

This morning, he started talking to me again about how our co-dependent relationship affected him (he didn't use those terms, but that's the gist of what he was saying). Yes, I became co-dependent in how I handled the unknown of what was going on pre-diagnosis. I became anxious, walked on eggshells, asked too many questions, was fearful, etc... But, since his diagnosis, I've started shedding a lot of that stuff. When I simply validated and followed up with a "I am aware that happened, and I've worked towards healing that. I know it isn't healthy or effective". He then started getting upset with me for not talking to him about how I'd handle his needs in the future. I told him I understand that but I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to convince him of anything. I love him and I was just trying to honor his decision to separate. He was a bit heated and had to go to an appointment and gave me a hug before he left.

Confusingly, maybe it doesn't matter - if he is splitting, he may turn around and come back in a few days, maybe faster if you don't seem to fight it and his abandonment anxiety overrides him. And if he's not splitting and is actually making a rational choice, then maybe he really is growing, and ironically there's actually no reason to leave because he's not going down the usual path of bpd implosion.

Indeed, this is the part that most upsets me right now. We're both growing, improving, and taking the correct steps. His BPD, my habits of dealing with it, and our relationship isn't going to miraculously heal overnight. And, while we're finally on the mend, while we're finally beginning to understand that dynamic at play, and forming new modes of relating to one another, he's deciding to leave?

He leaves to Colorado for a month starting tomorrow. I'm going to be devastated so I plan on going to visit friends in Texas for the first week that he's away. I've also let our couple's therapist know that he broke up with me so we'd be cancelling our sessions for now. It's all very sad. Some moments I'm better than others. I still have no sense of what the future holds or if we still have one together. But I'm trying my best to tell myself that maybe this is a good thing, no matter how it shakes out. If we stay broken up, I can just focus on myself and my own journey with less stress. If we get back together, then maybe this was the rock bottom reset that we needed for greener pastures ahead. Only time will tell.

[dp7]

It's been a very emotional night to say the least. It's our last night together before he heads to Colorado for a month. When he comes back, we're supposed to decide who's moving out and who's staying in our current place.

Things were mostly calm until this evening. He got upset with me seemingly out of nowhere and said that if I would've said yes to moving a few months ago, then he thinks we'd still be together. I got flustered and failed by JADEing. I explained that in that same period that a move was being planned, I was also navigating a career shift, the death of a friend, his sudden thoughts that he could be "asexual", his sudden interest in maybe exploring the BDSM scene, his BPD diagnosis, and a health issue that was discovered my GP. I told him that it was not fair to hold that against me as if there wasn't any additional context to the delay in a move. He was snarky, but eventually calmed down and agreed. And then when the conversation reached a lull, he got upset with me again saying that I haven't talked about what I wanted and what I'm willing to do to stay in this relationship. I told him that the other day he got upset with me for trying to "convince him" to stay and I didn't want to give off that feeling. I wanted to respect his boundaries and his decisions. He pushed the issue further, got upset when I didn't budge because I didn't think it made sense to since he said his decision was firm, and then I tried to end the conversation and thought I heard him say that the last 3 years (the duration of our relationship) was bad. When I asked him, he denied it and said he was merely asking me what my thoughts were on the last 3 years... and then he spiraled and got very negative and aggressive. We took a time out and I went to the spare bedroom. When I re-emerged to get water 20mins later, he was super apologetic saying things like "I'm sorry for the way that I am. I need to leave" and the whole shame shabam. It made me feel like absolute trash... because I felt just how deep his pain was. I could see it in his eyes that he felt like he was the worst person in the world and it made me very sad. He's been crying on and off ever since, and I've been doing the same, unsure of how to proceed.

This is my low point. I feel an immense amount of sadness and I can see that he does as well. It's strange that seeing him sad hurts me more than my own sadness right now. I feel like at least I can get mine under some kind of control, while his is rooted in a disliking of himself and how he acts at times. I just hope he knows that I see him for the full complex human that he is and I love him through the good and the bad.

Thank you all for the support on here. It's made me feel heard, understood, and less alone in what is one of the most trying times of my life.

[Pook075]

I just hope he knows that I see him for the full complex human that he is and I love him through the good and the bad.

In short, he has no idea you feel that way and if the relationship is potentially worth saving, you need to tell him that.  If you could stay on topic about only that (and avoid all the other tangents) then at least he'd know how you truly felt.

In my experience, my wife would amplify anything I said x10 and make it out that I was just terrible to her.  For instance, I could say, "We need to get the laundry caught up this weekend," and she heard, "You worthless <beep>, why haven't you done the laundry in three weeks?" 

And on the flip side of that, my wife would make assumptions based on her warped reality.  For instance, she'd say, "You clearly hate my entire family because you never want to spend time with them."  And my reply would be, "I just took your entire family on a beach vacation and had a great time with everyone."  But what I say, my reality, it just doesn't matter because she's projecting her narratives onto me.

So know that your man is making a lot of untrue assumptions and it's affecting how he makes decisions for himself as well.

I remember an exercise we'd do in debate class way back in high school where we'd make 2-4 true statements to prove a lie.  I think that's how BPD minds sometimes work.  For example:

There's less green M&M's in packs than other colors.
Green algae has been proven an effective supplement for cancer patients.
Therefore, green M&M's must cure cancer.

If you're really thinking about parting ways despite what both of you want, I think it's worth the effort to clearly state how you feel and what you want.  Maybe it will have to be said multiple times, but you need to make your narrative clear to the point where he knows it's a fact.  Additionally, that has nothing to do with the problems you're facing- I can love someone while still being upset about some of the things they do. 

So avoid the blame game entirely and just say, "Before we make a decision, I want you to know that I..."  Keep it solely about you and your feelings.  I hope that helps.

[dp7]

So sorry for my lack of updates. The short of it is that when he went to Colorado for the month, I went to go stay with my two best friends out of state who supported me through the pain and encouraged me to go no contact for that week. I did that, started healing, and accepted moving on.

Of course, as luck would have it (sarcasm), my now ex spiraled, changed his mind, started drinking again, hit a rock bottom that I had to be there to help him out of and started recovering again.

2.5 months later and he’s on anti-depressants (which helped him significantly for about 6 weeks and now they seem to be only mildly helping), sees a psychiatrist to manage that prescription, started doing therapy weekly, and begins an online DBT program next week. My issue now is that he keeps trying to pull me back in rather than focusing on himself and his healing. We’ve had the same conversation twice in the past month where I’m essentially repeating myself over and over again.

I don’t know how many different ways that I have to tell him that I can’t entertain a relationship with him until he fully commits to his healing for his own sake and not for me. His growth and improvement cannot hinge on me. And I want a partner that is focused on building themselves up in the same way that I’m trying to do for myself.

I feel so stuck trying to be there for him while trying to be there for myself at the same time. I’m exhausted.

[Pook075]

So sorry for my lack of updates. The short of it is that when he went to Colorado for the month, I went to go stay with my two best friends out of state who supported me through the pain and encouraged me to go no contact for that week. I did that, started healing, and accepted moving on.

Of course, as luck would have it (sarcasm), my now ex spiraled, changed his mind, started drinking again, hit a rock bottom that I had to be there to help him out of and started recovering again.

2.5 months later and he’s on anti-depressants (which helped him significantly for about 6 weeks and now they seem to be only mildly helping), sees a psychiatrist to manage that prescription, started doing therapy weekly, and begins an online DBT program next week. My issue now is that he keeps trying to pull me back in rather than focusing on himself and his healing. We’ve had the same conversation twice in the past month where I’m essentially repeating myself over and over again.

I don’t know how many different ways that I have to tell him that I can’t entertain a relationship with him until he fully commits to his healing for his own sake and not for me. His growth and improvement cannot hinge on me. And I want a partner that is focused on building themselves up in the same way that I’m trying to do for myself.

I feel so stuck trying to be there for him while trying to be there for myself at the same time. I’m exhausted.

A lot of us here were in the same situation and it's very difficult because there's two opposing forces at play here:

1)  Your love for him.  Obviously you care and want what's best for him and his future.

2)  His BPD sickness.  He needs help, encouragement, etc and that means your needs will always be secondary.  That's not a relationship, it's being a caretaker.

I finally gave up on my marriage when I accepted that no matter what I said or did, my wife could not love me for me.  And that's the whole ballgame, everything that a relationship is built on- to love and be loved.  So don't feel like you're making mistakes or that you need to second-guess yourself here; you belong in a relationship with him when he can love you and care for you.  That's not something you have any control over though and I think you're doing the right thing here.

[dp7]

Thank you, Pook! I’m really struggling today. I just feel caught in the middle of a very complex situation. I love him and don’t want anything bad to ever happen to him and in many ways I feel like trying to support him right now is keeping him from moving on and focusing on his own healing and growth. On the flip side of that, I’m scared to see him totally alone and on the verge of suicide again so I’m trying to remain in his life and be supportive. It’s like I’m being pulled into two different directions and don’t know what the healthy way to proceed is

[Pook075]

Thank you, Pook! I’m really struggling today. I just feel caught in the middle of a very complex situation. I love him and don’t want anything bad to ever happen to him and in many ways I feel like trying to support him right now is keeping him from moving on and focusing on his own healing and growth. On the flip side of that, I’m scared to see him totally alone and on the verge of suicide again so I’m trying to remain in his life and be supportive. It’s like I’m being pulled into two different directions and don’t know what the healthy way to proceed is

The healthy path is to show him love and compassion, while also going your own way.  You can do both because his problems are not yours.  He MUST fix his own problems...it's not your job, and you can't fix them anyway.  It's the 'moth to the flame' scenario and you can't be drawn all the way in unless he's willing to meet you halfway.

Now, if you don't feel like you can do both, then walk away.  There's no shame in that and it may be the healthiest option.  He is responsible for him.  You are responsible for you...and you always come first.