Hurtful words

[Winterberry]

Hello!

Personally I’ve made a lot of progress on my own mental health and I feel like I’m able to understand and respond to my partner better as In when he starts texting me negative things I don’t act emotionally and focus on trying to support him emotionally but I think even when he’s not splitting on me he has some beliefs about me that hurt me. I try to just accept this and be the best person I can be but it does hurt. Sometimes when he calls me names I’ll just cry uncontrollably but I can still respond calmly over text, In person I obviously can’t hide my emotions as much. It hurts me that he thinks about me that way. It’s not that Im not honest about how I feel, sometimes it’s just necessary to not react emotionally. How can I deal with knowing what he thinks?

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[maxsterling]

Hi and welcome.

The phrase "sicks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" really bothers me because it is simply not true.  I remember my SIL telling me of a childhood incident where she felt most hurt by her mom was when her mom decided not hit her and instead said, "You arent even worth hitting".  I would make the same claim - that being hit may be easier to deal with than hurtful words.

My W has said some very horrible things to me, was worse than anyone else has said to me.  Way, way worse.  In the beginning of the r/s I was better able to move on.  Now those words are very difficult to hear.  Maybe because over the years my "trash can" is now full, but maybe because I have heard them all many times before, and I have zero patience for hearing them again.

If you don't have a therapist already, I suggest finding one.  That's the best place to worth through these issues.  Another strategy is to have zero tolerance boundary for this language.  When he starts, tell him you feel hurt by the things he says to you and if it continues you will leave the room/house (leaving the room never works for me because W will then escalate her insults, following after me screaming until I drive away).  It probably won't change his behavior, but it does help you feel you have some control and you avoid hearing his insults.  For awhile, I even put a word filter on my text messages to move anything with certain trigger words into a separate folder.  I had forgotten I had done that, and W was complaining I was not getting her text messages.  Turns out there were about a hundred that my phone had filtered out!

[Stasia77]

When I was going through the worst phase of my relationship with BPDh I turned to faith and I was reading about how to prepare for confession and I read a line about hurtful words/insults categorized as murder by words and that really stuck - for so long the hurtful words felt soul destroying. We have moved forward after a DV incident that basically forced him into therapy, and the hurtful words are much fewer and far between and lesser in intensity. I do feel he is improving. However, the key to how these words affected me was all along in - me! And my emotional state. When I was so desperate to have his love, approval, support it killed me to feel the contempt and loathing. I longed for that early phase of love bombing when I felt I had found my soulmate and grieved for it. And he made me feel either worthless in every aspect of my life or I lost the joy for the things I liked doing after his disparagement of them. Like he tainted everything I enjoyed. But after the DV incident we were apart for 2 and a half months and that was enough for me to finally get my act semi-together and at least understand how and why I got sucked in during the love bombing phase (the absence of a loving and caring upbringing). I promised myself I would not let anyone destroy me emotionally or psychologically. And from this came an emotional detachment - I still care for him but not in that same intense, desperate manner. I no longer feel crushed if he shows contempt for what I do or say. I now do as I please, without worrying it won't please him. I do get triggered and angry (and angry is better than broken and sad) at times but the words have lost their power over me and I think he senses it, too, and maybe that has also contributed to the lessening of outbursts of rage. I have just joined this group and have been reading up on things - so many constructive, thoughtful words of advice - and so far I love the red elephant thing. Of course you would never argue with someone if they called you that:) so to avoid being triggered next time I will try repeating to myself 'I'm a red elephant' as a sort of humorous line, to remind myself of the absurdity of it all...
One more thing - before I knew much about BDP and when I felt really low and the rage was almost daily, I used to try and protect myself by steering the conversation to something less hurtful to me.
I.e. it upset me a lot to hear I must have been an unlovable child and I was the cause of my parents' dysfunctional marriage. Or what a terrible mother I am.
And if I told him how hurtful this was, he would only increase the hurtfulness, going even further in being nasty.
So instead I would say how it hurt me the most when he compares me unfavourably to his ex-wife, which while not exactly enjoyable is really not that upsetting to me as I have a good relationship with her and like her.
I know this is a long way from SET and all that, but if you are unable to implement SET this kind of sidetracking could provide you with a bit of a mental breather...
I am still not even close to doing SET as my patience is still very thin but I am much better at boundaries. So name calling or sarcasm leads to me ending conversation and I am able to calmly tell him I will not be part of such a conversation.
I really don't think you can emotionally detach just like that, something usually has to be the catalyst, and I don't know if it's ultimately a good state to be in, so I don't want to come across as advocating it but it has helped me loads in this past year...