Forever scarred by BPD—advice for moving on and finding love

[LaRonge]

I haven't posted here in long time. I had a terrible breakup with someone diagnosed with BPD in Jan. 2022. It was not my first relationship with someone with BPD traits. In fact, most of of the women I've dated have had similar characteristics, and when they didn't, I was so commitment-phobic I would run away myself.

I was in therapy and continued it after the relationship. I learned a lot about myself and my family history. My parents separated for six years when I was a child, and I lived in a state of constant uncertainty and dread. My mom was highly anxious and narcissistic and I believe this dynamic is the root of my problems.

Last June I started dating someone. We were very different but got along well and she made me feel calm and content. Things moved slowly and felt really good. She had a tough upbringing however, and not a lot of experience in relationships. There were minor disagreements here and there and flashes of anger from her, but nothing felt like a terrible red flag, just immaturity. Her grandma died in February. The grandma was my girlfriend's mother figure. We had already made plans to move in together and did so, even though it felt like the timing was wrong as she was grieving at the time.

It was a tough time. She was irritable and moody and quick to anger. I kept feeling like it was my fault. I know she was grieving, and I know moving in to my place made her feel like she lost her autonomy. We weathered the worst and kept moving forward.

But I started to grow more and more anxious whenever she was in a bad mood. It would come and go. I was scared she would abandon me, that we were all wrong for each other. I was scared she would change her mind about having kids one day (she's 13 years younger than me, and although she says she wants to, she's also said she's afraid of the idea and doesn't want to do so right away). My anxiety has grown and grown until it borders on paranoia.

Unfortunately, because of my relationship history and history of being abruptly abandoned by my BDP ex(es), I completely convince myself that my girlfriend is either BPD, NPD, a sociopath... or something. Every unusual glance, any doubt she expresses, any negative comment, any argument we have (even when I initiate them), I spiral into a paranoid mess, believing that I need to get out of it before she ends it or I get hurt even more. I continue to seek assurances from her, and she gives them. But it's never enough. I've pushed her a lot, even during a time when she was dealing with grief.

I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has tried to assure me that nothing I've told her suggests she's BPD, only that she can be immature and has some baggage from childhood. It's really more about me. I don't feel like I can trust anyone. A woman would need to be a placid as a cow for me to not fear that there's some hidden mental illness lurking under the surface. It's a terrible feeling. I also don't trust myself at all. I think: If I've chosen her, and she's chosen me, she must by default be BPD.

I love my girlfriend, and I want to fight through this and be a good partner. Accept her flaws and faults and not be forever terrified she's going to abandon me. For anyone who has successfully moved on from BPD traumas and found and sustained love, how did you do it? How did you fight through the fear of it happening again?

Thanks in advance.

[Pook075]

Hi and thanks for sharing.  

For me, my faith got me through that paranoid feeling of "is this BPD all over again?"  And like you, I'd over-analyze just about everything in hopes of avoiding yet another time bomb to rip through my life.  Eventually though, I switched to a different tactic and asked myself:

- Does she love me for me?
- Is she good to me?
- Is her sadness/depression at times justified?
- Am I happy with her?

The answer to all four questions was yes, so I stuck in the relationship.  But over time I also realized that she shows empathy, almost always puts my feelings first (as I put hers first), and genuinely cares about my day and how my life is.  Those with BPD generally don't do things like that, and they usually can't admit when they make mistakes either or talk out their feelings.  My gal and I do that every single day, we're both open books with each other.

I hope that helps!

[BPDEnjoyer]

Your behavior shows a lot of bpd traits.  If you are not happy, you can take a time out and be single.  Less anxiety for you and her is a win?

[Biggus]

I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has tried to assure me that nothing I've told her suggests she's BPD, only that she can be immature and has some baggage from childhood. It's really more about me. I don't feel like I can trust anyone. A woman would need to be a placid as a cow for me to not fear that there's some hidden mental illness lurking under the surface. It's a terrible feeling. I also don't trust myself at all. I think: If I've chosen her, and she's chosen me, she must by default be BPD.

I love my girlfriend, and I want to fight through this and be a good partner. Accept her flaws and faults and not be forever terrified she's going to abandon me. For anyone who has successfully moved on from BPD traumas and found and sustained love, how did you do it? How did you fight through the fear of it happening again?

Thanks in advance.

Trust is about the most important thing in a relationship. Here you are saying that you can't trust yourself or your girlfriend. When I broke up with my ex 12 years ago, I could only date casually because even thinking about anything long term or "serious" raised all these fears in me. With the help of time and tools I had at that point I realized it was a low self-esteem issue more than anything else. I worked a long time on improving my lost self confidence. Well in ways I'm still working on it.

To me it sounds like you already understand a lot about your situation and background. I don't know what kind of therapy you're currently having so just take this as a suggestion, but perhaps with your therapist you could concentrate on working with your self-esteem, maybe make a goal oriented plan to improve it.

If you constantly feel good about yourself and life in general, you're not as afraid of abandonment, as you will innately understand that abandonment won't ruin your life, because you will be there to take care of yourself.

Also, be kind to yourself. Accept the situation you're in, and everything that has lead you to this point. I'm sure your mother left you with a lot of negativity like mine did, but to counter that enjoy and be proud of your successes, no matter how small they are. For example, the realization of the effect your childhood had to your adult relationships and choices is already a huge step. Now you need to learn to put it in the past.