Boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDh and I have been talking about reconciliation lately. Things have been good, he has been noticeably trying more with me and all of the kids and his bad phases of his cycle have shortened drastically. We have been getting along really well. For the most part, he had moved back into our house with the kids and I, though I have withheld the passcodes to get in the house or the new keys, so he can’t get in unless I let him in. This is what I want, so I have gone with it, even though my lawyer has said this is not in the best interest of our case. Like clockwork, yesterday I returned home from work and he would barely talk to me. This was after he told me he loved me repeatedly the night before and that morning and he was all over me the night before. I think nothing of it as this is his normal cycle. He goes with me to pick up our daughter, do a couple of errands, drop my son off at football and do my soccer carpool pick up…yet he barely talks to me, staring at his phone and picks whatever little fight he can with me on our errands…I talk to quiet, he yells at me and my 5 year old to go back to the car so he can reason our 2 year old through her temper tantrum, and is upset with me that I don’t know where a store is as according to him “everyone has been to this mall”.  I ignore all of it. The rest of the night he sits on the couch watching “his” tv…meaning tv with lots of violence, won’t really talk to anyone especially me. I make dinner, clean up from dinner, pick up my son from football, etc. In the middle of the night I hear him get up and go downstairs to watch tv…it’s 1:30 am. He watches tv all night. I go download at 6 am he is still watching tv. He has told me in the past that I can not make appointments for the kids on a Wednesday as he HAS to go into work on all Wednesdays. Surprise surprise, he works from home instead. He starts the day by telling me he needs to get a work phone so we should just split our phone bill now. I respond that everything is on lockdown right now since we are technically filed for divorce, though it doesn’t feel like it, so I didn’t think we were allowed to do anything with our finances. In the back of my mind I knew his comment was to get to me…to rope me into his crap. The day goes on, he won’t speak to me, he won’t go anywhere near me (he takes the longer route from place to place in the house to noticeably avoid me, he won’t drink a drink I got for him, he walks as fast as he can to pick our son up from school leaving me and our 2 year old noticeably behind. He tells me and the kids he will be back, and as he leaves a wave of relief comes across the whole house. I decide that I need to enact a boundary that he is not welcome around me or the kids if he is in his not nice mood and I send him a text to ask him to leave
the house for a couple of days. I believe I was nice and said that I believed that we both needed a break from the tension. He loses it telling me I can’t keep his kids from him…he will leave but he is saying good night to his kids and meeting his son at school in the morning and picking his kids up the next day from school and daycare. I respond saying when you are in a nicer mood that he is welcome to be wrong his kids. I get home to pick up my son for football, he comes out to the car to say “goodnight “ to the kids, yelling that I don’t want him to be around the kids, etc. I calmly say that’s not true and then am
quiet. My 5 year old locks the door so he can get in on his side. I unlock it so he can say bye. He tells the kids he will be picking them up the next day. My 5 year old tells me after that dad scared him with his yelling. We take my oldest to football. He is gone when we get home…taking everything of his he brought over that is noticeable. I feel very conflicted…I know that this boundary needed to be set, I could feel a big blow up around the corner…at me or worse my oldest son, if I didn’t. Also, I don’t want to be around this and I don’t want my kids around this. He currently has another house…if you can’t even walk in the same hall as me, your wife who you were all over 24 hours ago, then I think it is the perfect time for you to take some space. Of course I am questioning myself as I want to reconcile so I never want to rock the boat. I have learned in the past, that doing the opposite of what  my heart tells me to do is what is the correct thing and usually brings him closer in the long run. I still believe I did the right thing, but am nervous as always!

[dtkm]

My uBPDh and I have been talking about reconciliation lately. Things have been good, he has been noticeably trying more with me and all of the kids and his bad phases of his cycle have shortened drastically. We have been getting along really well. For the most part, he had moved back into our house with the kids and I, though I have withheld the passcodes to get in the house or the new keys, so he can’t get in unless I let him in. This is what I want, so I have gone with it, even though my lawyer has said this is not in the best interest of our case. Like clockwork, yesterday I returned home from work and he would barely talk to me. This was after he told me he loved me repeatedly the night before and that morning and he was all over me the night before. I think nothing of it as this is his normal cycle. He goes with me to pick up our daughter, do a couple of errands, drop my son off at football and do my soccer carpool pick up…yet he barely talks to me, staring at his phone and picks whatever little fight he can with me on our errands…I talk to quiet, he yells at me and my 5 year old to go back to the car so he can reason our 2 year old through her temper tantrum, and is upset with me that I don’t know where a store is as according to him “everyone has been to this mall”.  I ignore all of it. The rest of the night he sits on the couch watching “his” tv…meaning tv with lots of violence, won’t really talk to anyone especially me. I make dinner, clean up from dinner, pick up my son from football, etc. In the middle of the night I hear him get up and go downstairs to watch tv…it’s 1:30 am. He watches tv all night. I go download at 6 am he is still watching tv. He has told me in the past that I can not make appointments for the kids on a Wednesday as he HAS to go into work on all Wednesdays. Surprise surprise, he works from home instead. He starts the day by telling me he needs to get a work phone so we should just split our phone bill now. I respond that everything is on lockdown right now since we are technically filed for divorce, though it doesn’t feel like it, so I didn’t think we were allowed to do anything with our finances. In the back of my mind I knew his comment was to get to me…to rope me into his crap. The day goes on, he won’t speak to me, he won’t go anywhere near me (he takes the longer route from place to place in the house to noticeably avoid me, he won’t drink a drink I got for him, he walks as fast as he can to pick our son up from school leaving me and our 2 year old noticeably behind. He tells me and the kids he will be back, and as he leaves a wave of relief comes across the whole house. I decide that I need to enact a boundary that he is not welcome around me or the kids if he is in his not nice mood and I send him a text to ask him to leave
the house for a couple of days. I believe I was nice and said that I believed that we both needed a break from the tension. He loses it telling me I can’t keep his kids from him…he will leave but he is saying good night to his kids and meeting his son at school in the morning and picking his kids up the next day from school and daycare. I respond saying when you are in a nicer mood that he is welcome to be wrong his kids. I get home to pick up my son for football, he comes out to the car to say “goodnight “ to the kids, yelling that I don’t want him to be around the kids, etc. I calmly say that’s not true and then am
quiet. My 5 year old locks the door so he can get in on his side. I unlock it so he can say bye. He tells the kids he will be picking them up the next day. My 5 year old tells me after that dad scared him with his yelling. We take my oldest to football. He is gone when we get home…taking everything of his he brought over that is noticeable. I feel very conflicted…I know that this boundary needed to be set, I could feel a big blow up around the corner…at me or worse my oldest son, if I didn’t. Also, I don’t want to be around this and I don’t want my kids around this. He currently has another house…if you can’t even walk in the same hall as me, your wife who you were all over 24 hours ago, then I think it is the perfect time for you to take some space. Of course I am questioning myself as I want to reconcile so I never want to rock the boat. I have learned in the past, that doing the opposite of what  my heart tells me to do is what is the correct thing and usually brings him closer in the long run. I still believe I did the right thing, but am nervous as always!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dtkm]

The next day is here, no drama for 18 hours so far!  The daycare lady let me know that drop off went well, no run ins that were mentioned. My dilemma now is school pick up. My first thought when everything popped off yesterday, was to get off work early and pick my son up from school early and my daughter up from daycare early so I didn’t have to see uBPDh and wouldn’t risk him taking the kids or making a scene, which in the mood he left in, I wouldn’t put it past him. I then put myself in his shoes, and thought how upset I would be if I was at school pick up and unknowingly the kids had already been picked up. So I decided I would pick the kids up early and let him know after I do so. I am
now questioning all of this. I had emailed my lawyer to tell her my plan, to which she said noted, let me know the outcome and something along the lines of you should mention to your T how you don’t want to run into him during these times (the reason I gave behind picking my son up early from school) as it is probably PTSD from past run ins. Which, it definitely is, but it made me think that I am being crazy by thinking about picking my kids up early. So now I am questioning myself!  I don’t want drama, especially to be the cause of the drama. I love my husband and do truly want to reconcile, though I do realize that this boundary needs to be in place no matter what. I don’t even know his reasoning behind him avoiding me, except that I went to work!  It’s usually that he believes I have affairs all day at work, but since he had moved out, he has not mentioned this, but I am assuming since he was back in the house he has that feeling again, connected more to me and his old unjustified “worries” come back. I feel stuck…I want to send him an I love you text, but won’t as I know that just perpetuates the cycle. I know me keeping to my boundaries is the only way through this,  I have scheduled a quick check in with my T this afternoon to get her thoughts on what to do for picking up the kids. Does anyone have any thoughts on this…or any of this stuff!  My kids will not even notice that dad isn’t there at pick up if it is just me, it will most likely be stressful to all if he is there as he will most likely be stand off ish and will be awkward to be around which will make my son clingy to me and my daughter clingy to him. He will take the kids to his house, I will feel obligated to go there too to make sure they are ok…and the cycle continues on…