should I decide to have a child with hfBPD boyfriend?

[mitochondrium]

Hi, I would kindly ask your opinion on the question above. Were some of you in a situation of knowing your boyfriend had hfBPD before deciding to have a child? I would be very interested to hear how did you decide and how things turned out then with actual child/children.

My boyfriend and I are 33 y.o., together for 6 years, first 4.5 years we were in a long distance relationship (1000 km apart). For me things were better in long distance relationship, since we met once a month there was not so much of arguing. There were tantrums either over the skype or when we saw each other, but it was bearable for me most of the time. We were happy to see each other after some time apart and I tink that also helped him to be more ''well behaved''. However, when we moved in together 1.5 years ago I started to feel stg. wasn't right. There was a lot of arguing for nothing, his temper could change in seconds/minutes, a lot of ''schooling'' of how I should do things, mostly on my communication or tidying the flat, where I was leaving things, cooking, too much time spent on the phone etc. Firstly I thought it was actually my fault that he behaves like he does, which he was/is commonly trying to enforce. Next step of my thinking was, he is a choleric. About 1 year ago I strongly suggested that we cannot live like this and we should do some improvements in communication and start couples therapy. After some back and forth then we started it 10 months ago and went for 5 months. It seemed to help, but only for a limited time of 3 months altogether. For this time there was significantly less arguing (although still some tantrums and withdrawal). Then we started renovating the flat and it was good for 1 month, but then we had some problems and stress (like it normally happens with renovation) and things deteriorated. It was quiet often impossible to communicate with him about the renovation, we had totally different points of view on rate of communication with the construction workers. His idea was to go very slowly and was angry for instance when the workers were finally prepared to come to welcome them before work, because it made him tired. Also most of the planning and communication fell on me. When he was trying to do some of it and I would have asked how it went, what will the construction workers do etc., he could get into raging that I was acting as his boss. When there was something constructional to decide and he had a very strong opinion with close to none knowledge beside and I would ask my father who has a lot of experience with building, he would very quickly feel I show him no respect and that he isn't taken into account. I tried to explain that was not my intention at all, but he still feels that way and when we are in argument he is quick to rub it in my face. Now that renovation was finished and we moved in there is still a lot of conflict, usually for barley anything, he is spiralig and cannot drop the argument often. He is splitting and projecting things on me, often finger pointing etc. We also talked about children, I am having some gynaecological problems and my gyn. advised to hurry a bit. We talked about a kid before, to start trying this summer, but when I told him about what gyn. said in May, he was quiet awful, told me that he cannot be planning that, if we planned it, he would not be able tor retain erection, then he calmed a bit and said he will settle for it because he knows I am in a hurry. That was very devastating to me, before I was still hoping things will somehow work out, we would have children and manage somehow.

After we stopped couples therapy we went on with therapy separately. I decided to work on my communication problems - I did feel for a long time that did not go so well for me, even before dating my current boyfriend, his comments made me feel even more insecure. During therapy the therapist asked me to write down every time when I feel something went wrong with communicating and I realised the significant amount of incidents I did not fell like that, but my boyfriend did. Later on I decided to talk about our relationship with the therapist and according to what I said (and she also is still seeing my boyfriend) that he probably has a personality disorder, probably BPD. She advised me to read some book on PD and I also read Stop walking on eggshells. Since then I was trying to stop walking on eggshells, tried to validate what I can validate, tried to set boundaries and it helped to some extent. However he still for the most time sees just ''one and only'' his solution and can get very angry when I don't comply. If I decide (manage) to reinforce the boundary the tantrum can be at least for half a day, sometimes a whole day. Which is (as you probably know) very stressful and exhausting. I tried to talk to him about this and sometimes he sees it afterwards and says he will try better, sometimes he does not see it and accuses me of being only one solution oriented (projecting).
I also tried to talk to him what he would do if he had a tantrum and we had a child. There was a lot of pushing problem on me and digging out my potential parenting mistakes in his opinion, with my asking and asking to give me the answer he said he would move away and say he has a migraine. I tried another conversation on raising children in which I wanted to talk about his problem of seeing things only one way, but he mostly returned it to me that was my problem and not his.

Otherwise he is high functioning, has some stable friendships, job, doesn't self-harm, also did not in the past (no scars visible). He is also very smart.

In my boyfriend's family I think his father has BPD, his mother seems to have smaller IQ and is very controling. He also says that parents did argue all the time when he was little. In my family in my oppinion my father has hfBPD (he was quiet absent when I was growing up and I did not get the disease), my grandmother on father side had BPD (low functioning). Also aunt on my mother's side has BPD (low functioning, diagnosed).

Since he is going to therapy (cognitive-behavioral) I think he is working on his problems there. He goes 3 times a month. He has now applied to testing and we will see what comes out - but based on what the therapist said and my research, probably BPD. Do you think there is hope to raise healthy children with him? I feel I gotten a nice opportunity to make an informed decision since I got to know about the disease before having children. Do you have any suggestions on how to better the relationship? I still like him, when he can behave nicely.

Thank you in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi mitochondrium and welcome,
I am in a lesbian marriage and we have 3 small ivf conceived children who are biologically my dbpd wife’s, so thought I’d share my perspective.
Firstly, I have learnt many skills on here which helped to improve my relationship with my wife and her behaviour. Despite her presenting as more sane for a long time, and my gleefully shouting it from the rooftops on here for over a year, it wasn’t to last and things have continued to be difficult.
Our children are still so little, 3, 2, and 10 months so it’s very hard to know what the long term effects will be of my wife’s behaviour and treatment of them and me.
There is far less screeching than there used to me, but it is still a regular occurrence so all of the children have been exposed to lots of shouting (this is my wife shouting about all sorts of things, I rarely shout back these days and she doesn’t need a shouting partner in order to continue shouting…) At least once a week my wife will suddenly screech at the children, either an overreaction to something they did, just screeching because she’s angry with the world (struggling to get comfortable on the sofa has always been a major issue), or occasionally screeching at them even though they did nothing wrong. I’m ashamed to say that I do not stand up for them either during or after her outbursts because it only makes her more angry when I’ve done this in the past and doesn’t achieve anything. My wife is somewhat self aware and sometimes apologises afterwards or tries to cheer the child up (it is mostly the 3 year old who is starting to get upset by such things and our middle one has medical issues so my wife is more lenient with her). Sometimes my eldest daughter will come to me for comfort in front of my wife and my wife gets angry about this. My wife is jealous of our relationship and has always been jealous of our daughter’s love for me. I am the working parent so the children are extremely excited to see me at the end of the day and my wife is jealous of this. Sometimes there have been issues where they wanted me to read a story not her etc and she’s not handled it well saying, “Well I’ll fk off then I know when I’m not wanted”. My wife hates when the children show me spontaneous affection and then wants them to hug her and say they love her and gets upset sometimes angry if they don’t want to.
Generally my wife is not mature enough for some aspects of parenting such as (the main one) putting the children first. She doesn’t agree that they shouldn’t be exposed to our arguments, in fact she says they should know we’re unhappy in our marriage. She thinks I only care about them and not her, despite me making much effort to show her I care. She accuses me constantly of making no effort in our marriage and gets annoyed when I talk about the children like their feeding, clothing, routines etc because “that’s all you care about!”
I generally feel like we get on much better these days and if it wasn’t for the constant accusations then I could be truly happy with my life (despite the never ending challenges of having a partner with bpd). If someone were to watch a tv show of our life then much of it would seem we have a happy marriage with well adjusted children and my wife and I get along well.
My main goal is for the children to grow up emotionally healthy. I do worry about the best way to achieve this. We are not supposed to give “run” messages on this board, but I get the general impression from many members that they feel from my story that my children would be more emotionally healthy if I were to separate from my wife. She is giving me a break from her splitting at the moment for a few weeks, but up till recently she has spent lots of time telling me to leave because I make her unhappy etc. I don’t want to leave the kids and I do want the marriage to work. And I don’t want us to separate because I want to be with my kids all the time, even though I understand the value of how nice it would be to look after them without my wife there, and how this could benefit their mental health.
So that’s my story so far anyway. We’ve been together 9 years, married for 5.5. Who knows what the future holds, but hopefully not my children growing up with mental health problems, for which I will always question whether I could have handled things better or differently..
Of course, your boyfriend may respond to many of these things differently to my wife, but just consider that you won’t know how he’ll respond (and he won’t either) until the time. I love being a mother, it has truly made my life complete. I think the worst thing that could happen would be for my children to turn round when they’re older and tell me how stupid and selfish I was to choose to have children with dbpdw because they had an unhappy childhood and have mental health problems etc. I do have high hopes for them, they are friendly, loving, helpful and confident, such wonderful little people that I am immensely proud of. I just wish I could protect them from their mother better, she is a wonderful mother most of the time but I do worry that her bpd behaviour is damaging to them.
I wish you all the best.

[Pook075]

Hi Mito and welcome to the site.  To directly answer your question, the vast majority here would say not to have a child with your BPD boyfriend.  Most would not say it that nicely either.

Why?  Because BPD is tied to self esteem and abandonment issues, both of which make long term relationships very difficult.  I was married for 24 years with a BPD wife and daughter, and while we "made it" until the kids were out of the house as young adults, there were some super hard years in there where I felt like a single parent.  I definitely felt single for most of the marriage since I didn't receive emotional support for almost two decades- it was all about my BPD spouse and her never-ending needs.

Now, that's not to say your boyfriend can't get better with therapy.  But you're already seeing red flags and a child certainly won't "fix him", it will only add a layer of complication.  I would highly advise you to wait out the therapy and see if you witness real change over time.

I shared a bit of my story to point out the obvious- my kid has BPD too.  Your boyfriend's dad may have it.  All children are a blessing, but a BPD child is exhausting.  Take a look in the sub-section for parents with BPD kids, it's not pretty.  If I knew in advance my wife had BPD, I never would have married her and definitely would not have had children with her. 

I know that sounds harsh and I hate to say it out loud- my kid is definitely a blessing.  But would I choose this?  I love my kid so much but I really think the answer is no.

[Notwendy]

IMHO, this is more of a question about the relationship. The question of children is not one that people are usually able to compromise on- and it's one that is often a deal breaker. It's understandable that a woman in her 30's who wants children would seek out a partner who wants that too- and who is also a committed and capable parent. It's also understandable to not want to wait so long that having one is physically difficult.

So, yes, you can want what you want- but- your BF is also who he is. Consider the discussions you are having about trying for a child, and parenting one. Do you feel supported and validated? Does he sound like he's fully on board with this too. Yes, you want to see how therapy works but this takes time, and you don't want to wait.

If you have a child with this man, you will be having a child with the partner and possible father he is now, not the one you hope he would be one day and expecting him to change may not be realistic.

The question is- is he the one you would choose to have as the father of your child as he is now? How long are you willing to see how therapy goes? What about him? Is he ready? If he needs time to consider this, and you don't want to risk waiting, then the decision seems to be a compatibility one.

[mitochondrium]

Thanks a lot for your answers and honesty.

thankful person and Pook075, I would be interested to know if your wives went to therapy? If yes, what kind of therapy, how often and for how long? How quickly did you see the results?

Pook075, thank you for the suggestion to look in the sub-section of parents with BPD kids, I will definitely do that. That is also a huge concern for me, to have a BPD child without a partner to really help me with the challenges this brings. I am sorry for your situation, I can only imagine how hard it was.

Notwendy, thank you for your questions, I should think even harder about them. For now, I don't think I can wait much longer to see how therapy works, due to my biological hour, I would be risking having children at all if I wait too long. I also agree with you that expecting big change might not be realistic. I am worried about a father with BPD as I have an experience of my own with my father, who is (in my opinion) hfBPD. He never admitted any flaws, rather the opposite and never got into any treatment. There is a huge difference with my bf, who is at least sometimes seeing his problems and goes to therapy. However my fathers shouting was not so often, maybe once a month and he also worked a lot, was almost never home, when I was aprox. 10 years old he also started to work in a city 100 km away and then we mostly only saw him for the weekend. Also altogether he was not so much present in bringing up of me and my sister - his believe is that it is woman's job. But I remember very much the filing of walking on eggshells, we always had to obey and he almost always had to be right if he needed to be and we all let him, my sister and I were taught to do so and we obeyed when we could. However, he is very inteligent and his demands were mostly not very ''crazy'' and as said he mostly kept out of our upbringing. Nevertheless, I remember knowing there are a lot of rules to keep him happy, walking on eggshells, filing of necessity to obey, try not to make any mistakes, so I will not have to apologise later, anxiety, difficult communication etc. I am grateful we had a loving and calm mother.
With my boyfriend I am scared he would want to be very involved in his (especially when under stress) bpd way, which would affect a child. I also fear that would be even harder than being alone, since I would then have to manage a child and his father that has sometimes insane ideas to which he would necessary want to stick in a pushing and raging way if necessary. And if I will not agree I will have to listen how I don't respect him enough and that I always want my way and similar projections.
About our talks abut trying for a child, I thought we agreed at first, then I thought he was not ready, but now that things have gotten a bit more complicated and I said I am not sure if I want a child with him right, since we are arguing often, he says he is ready. I am scared and it hurts me to say, that to some extent he is ready now for a child in order to keep me.
To the question if I feel supported and validated... I do, when he is stable, at that stat I like him a lot. However, when he is not, he can get very mean and uses the information to throw it back at me in a twisted way - which is not supportive or validating.

Quickly said, maybe if I didn't know he has BPD or if I did not have an experience with my father, I would be naive enough to go for a child. But with that knowledge I know I really have to think this through and make an informed and more or less objective decision.

[thankful person]

thankful person and Pook075, I would be interested to know if your wives went to therapy? If yes, what kind of therapy, how often and for how long? How quickly did you see the results?

Hi no problem. My wife was diagnosed bpd following a suicide attempt shortly before we met online (she was 20 years old). (At the time I was in a 14 year relationship with a man, who was also very controlling and didn’t want to have kids with me. My gynaecologist told me in my early 30’s that I might want to get onto having children and my ex’s response when I told him? “That’s bxxxsh1t!” So anyway back to the story, my wife also had been self harming regularly for years and was bulimic. She was referred to dbt therapy which was I think one group session and one individual session each week. She didn’t like the group sessions but I’m not sure why. I was living in another country, and when we realised we were so in love, I told her that it would be very hard for me to leave my whole life behind to be with her and I needed her to get mentally healthy first (or be well on track). She did amazingly to beat the eating disorder and self harm. So here’s the problem. My wife quit dbt after about maybe ten months. She considers herself cured. The controlling, the rages, the splitting, the paranoia, the fear of abandonment, the fact that she doesn’t recognise she has a problem… these are all symptoms of the delusional side of bpd, where no matter what happens, their brain can always twist it to blame someone else (often the partner or kids). I don’t know if she learnt anything about these issues in dbt. I would think it pretty important, but she’s never mentioned it. Anyway, it no longer serves any purpose. She is thinking about going back to individual therapy due to childhood abuse, but she doesn’t want to, so I don’t know if or when this might happen and there’s no point in pressuring her. All I can do is model calm parenting as best I can and hope she picks up on it because despite everything, I do see her carrying out my suggestions as long as I’m subtle with the lessons.

[Pook075]

Thankful person and Pook075, I would be interested to know if your wives went to therapy? If yes, what kind of therapy, how often and for how long? How quickly did you see the results?

My wife was never diagnosed until our separation about a year ago.  My family physician insisted that I share details with her and after I did, she said it was textbook BPD.  My daughter was diagnosed about 7 years ago and I had always wondered about my wife, but they displayed differently (my daughter outward rage like traditional BPD, my wife inward shutting down like non-traditional BPD).

Your situation is certainly different since your boyfriend knows up front about this and is making real efforts to deal with his emotions.  At 24, my kid is doing fantastic and is very stable...and that's because she genuinely wanted to change a few years back.  If your boyfriend is doing that as well, there's a lot of hope there.  But if I were you, I would have to see the changes and really be able to communicate at another level.  That's the crux of all of this- it's not the outbursts, the anger, the depression, the jealousy...all that is minimized with great communication and trust.

You'll see here that many of us had fantastic relationships and loved our partners very deeply.  Things were really good for awhile- sometimes years, sometimes decades.  But then a split happened and our ex's just turned on us, lost all trust, and the relationship abruptly ended.  That's the big fear here- will it last forever?  It hurts me to share that it usually doesn't.

Again, it all comes down to communication and keeping the trust between the two of you strong.  A part of that will not always be in your control, which is why it's so hard to give you any direct advice in this situation.  He's probably a great guy at heart and has the best of intentions, but will he always be?  None of us know.

[Stasia77]

Hi mitochondrium,
This is my first posting here - I have just come upon this site a few days ago and I find it the most incredible resource and comfort. Thank you all for writing and sharing and showing so much compassion.
I think it might help to share my experience with having a child with a BPD. When we were discussing having a child, after 3 yrs together (he very much wanted a child) I had no idea he had BPD nor that it existed. I thought he had depression, there was some drama but overall lots of warmth and laughter to compensate. I felt he had lots of qualities that were worth sticking with in spite of the clouds. However, once I fell pregnant, he began to behave worse. Cue walking on eggshells began, more and more. He had little empathy for my various pregnancy discomforts and I just thought all would fall into place when the baby was born. I was so wrong. The first morning after leaving the hospital he woke me up ranting how untidy the apartment was, and then left. Even though I was supposed to rest (I had stitches), fearing more rage I got up and tidied and my stitches ripped. Again zero compassion - it was my own fault for not tidying up. That morning I lost all hope of him getting more stable. That's when the worst period of our relationship started and it lasted 2 yrs (this was 3yrs ago). I began to suspect some kind of mental illness and after reading up on disorders realised he had BPD. But I was too much of a wreck to take it in or know how to handle it. I was also mad at myself for not seeing what now seemed so obvious - as in the BPD diagnosis. I lost a lot of weight, had shaky hands so kept dropping things, couldn't sleep and when I did manage to sleep I would have to waken for breastfeeding. It was like being a single mom but worse because there was all the drama, emotional disparaging and never knowing when the next eruption would start. And I was stricken with guilt that I was in such a state and not able to be the mother I wanted to be - calm and stable. BPDh did not do much in practical chores but was always quick to criticise what I was doing wrong. There was also that thing you mentioned of having a fixed idea how to do something and if I suggested a different approach, I was enemy number one, I was the critical one, destroying his confidence, etc.
Looking back and knowing more about BPD I reckon the baby presented my BPDh with several pressure points.
A) fear of his own inadequacy and the overwhelming sense of responsibility
B) my care for the baby could have triggered another aspect of the fear of abandonment - in his mind, he was no longer the focus of my attention, so was being abandoned in the attention sphere. He would often criticise me for overlooking him yet I often went without sleep just to keep him company and he would get to sleep as much as he wanted. There was never any gratitude for my efforts around him or the baby.
C) lack of patience and stability does not go hand in hand with a baby in its various development stages, provoking a sense of ineptness, plus the baby's needs continually change and evolve requiring adapting and flexibility
D) a child senses which parent is 'safer' so if my daughter chose me for putting to bed etc he would often react childishly and jealously
Things came to a head a year ago after a DV incident, and he realised he would lose us if he didn't make some changes. Because of the DV charge he now has to attend therapy for 3 yrs, stay clean (he self-medicated with cannabis which I think worsened his paranoia and rage) and he has turned to church for comfort. All in all there are big improvements, he is much calmer, helps out with chores and our girl, BUT.
My expectations now are completely different to a normal person's in terms of family life. I know I have to be vigilant and self-sufficient in my emotional needs. I refuse to walk on egg shells ever again but I also don't wish to trigger him so our conversations are much fewer  and limited in scope. I was sad about that for a long time, then mad and now I am mostly ok with it. I think I have shut down emotionally towards him and that has freed me from all the agonising.
I can't imagine us ever taking a family holiday together - I take our girl when I feel like going somewhere, knowing however difficult it sometimes is with a small child alone it is still easier than with a BPD in tow.
We hardly ever even go to the park together. I am also concerned about how his BPD will or is affecting our little one. Because there are still occasional blow ups and he can be insulting towards her. I instantly put my foot down on those occasions and he admits he was wrong. So again, improvement.
As for your BF's reactions to trying for a baby it sounds like the push-pull pattern. When you insisted on it, he pulled a bit, but when you pulled, the fear of this being a sign of letting go of him, he pushed.
So if I were you, I would not rush into anything just yet - in spite of ticking clock. Imagine the scenario with the renovations and just substitute care for baby and see how that sits with you, with the difference that renovations eventually end, whereas a child is there under your roof for at least 18 years.
And consider the toll on your mental health - I was a cheerful, optimistic person, really happy with my job, lots of friends, and then became a shell, isolated from others out of shame for what was happening to me, took up smoking, lost all my professional drive and became mildly depressed. I think I actually had a nervous breakdown last summer when I now read about the symptoms. Now I am trying to work on losing the resentment that's built up and getting back to my old self.
And having my girl is a blessing, but if I had known about BPD before deciding to get pregnant I don't think I would have committed to such a step (however, I have a son from my first marriage so I felt already fulfilled as a mother, don't know how it would have been if I hadnt had him).
It is tough loving someone with BPD... and there is hope - I had lost all hope and then regained it, albeit with a different mindset than before...
I was planning on posting my experience in general but then saw your post and wanted to share this aspect...
Wishing you clarity in making up your mind and happinness whichever path you pursue

[Notwendy]

I think the post by Stasia is so well put.

Taking it back to the relationship- the question isn't about a child or not- it's about the relationship. You want a child. The question is- is this the one you want to be committed to for the long run- the child will be at home for 18 years and after that- they will still be your child and your partner will still be their parent.

The consensus I see here is that the child isn't the reason behind their hesitation if they knew then what they did now. Pregnancy, raising a child- these have their challenges but the issue isn't the ones due to the child- it's the ones caused in the relationship with a BPD partner.

So, to turn this around- would you think that not having a child would be less conflict in a relationship? Would you be happier in your relationship if it was just the two of you?

How about this one: If not for the children - would you have stayed with your partner?

If this man is not the one you choose for the long run, and you are concerned about him being a parent- and you want to have children with someone with whom you do wish to be the parent- then the question is about the relationship.

[mitochondrium]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories!

thankful person, what a story! I hope your wife decides to go back to therapy.

Pook075, Im happy to hear your daughter is doing great! however, my boyfriend sadly doesn't know. Or he pretends to. Our therapist told me after I was describing situations of blaming, rage and quick emotional changes that that seems like PD, likely BPD. She has also mentioned to me that he mentioned a PD as a possibility to him, but he denies she was speaking of any diagnosis. He is supposed to get tested, but that might take a while, turns out it is hard to get a private clinical psychologist to perform a test, to do it with a referral is supposed to be a 2 year wait (certainly to long of a wait for me). He is right now going to behaviour-cognitive therapy 2-3 times a month. I find it too little tbh, especially since I read it is recommended to go 1-2/week for intensive therapy. Also I did not find any group therapy possibilities in our country. I wish we had more and better communication and was saying it out loud lately a lot and there was some improvement. However, my boyfriend is mostly interested in communicating about concrete stuff not related to people or relationships or his inner world. It is very hard to communicate with him about serious stuff - it is usually very charged, it can quickly go into an argument. I am also the only one starting serious talks when we are in calm mood. It is exhausting and I cannot believe I did not notice it for such a long time. It saddens me to say that I wish I had more hope for my boyfriend getting well soon. Intentions are good, but performance is questionable.

Stasia77, welcome and than you for your first post. I can easily imagine myself having similar problems to yours during potential pregnancy, it reminded me how my bf already said that pregnancy will 100% be horrible for me that I will be vomiting all the time etc. and those never ending demands to tidy exactly those things he wants to have tidied, so one-sidedly and blame placing. I did a lot of mentally changing between renovation and a baby and it got me frightened. I feel that the renovation unmasked a lot. ''My way or high way, you have no respect for me, you don't take me into account etc.'' And me organising mostly everything (despite being a woman - I don't mean it in a bad way, but usually the man communicates with construction workers more, he mostly did not communicate at all), I felt very alone.

My expectations now are completely different to a normal person's in terms of family life. I know I have to be vigilant and self-sufficient in my emotional needs. I refuse to walk on egg shells ever again but I also don't wish to trigger him so our conversations are much fewer  and limited in scope. I was sad about that for a long time, then mad and now I am mostly ok with it. I think I have shut down emotionally towards him and that has freed me from all the agonising.
I can't imagine us ever taking a family holiday together - I take our girl when I feel like going somewhere, knowing however difficult it sometimes is with a small child alone it is still easier than with a BPD in tow.
We hardly ever even go to the park together. I am also concerned about how his BPD will or is affecting our little one. Because there are still occasional blow ups and he can be insulting towards her. I instantly put my foot down on those occasions and he admits he was wrong. So again, improvement.

This is what a fear a lot, what I was having strong hesitation even before knowing the probable diagnosis or even knowing there is some diagnosis.
I also understand very well that you were disappointed that you haven't noticed BPD for such a long time, it is exactly how I feel. But yeah, time cannot be reversed, all we can do is make better in the present and future...

Notwendy, your questions got me thinking again and I am more and more afraid the answer is no. I went through my old writings these days and realised I feel bad for at least a year, that troubles have not changed, pluses and minuses for the relationship stayed the same. I am ashamed to say, but the main question for me is if it is better to go on with hfBPD and hope treatment and learning communication techniques will help and try for a child asap, when I am the most fertile I will ever be of should I decide to try to find another partner, which can take a long time, I might not find anybody or he could be even worse. If I don't stay in this relationship my chances of ever having a child are slimmer (still not none, but considerately slimmer). Relationship as it is right now is not good enough for me. However, if a woman fertility window was until 50, I would give him some more time to try to get better, that much love is still left.
One more thing that I was thinking about even before diagnosis is, that I thought potential divorce would probably be bad. After reading around here, I am pretty sure of it.

Best to all of you! mito

[Notwendy]

Maybe the best you can do is make a choice- as it's your choice to make- and by doing so, you may feel a bit more empowered by that- if that choice is him, then you make the best of it. If not- then, make the most of that. I know of women who chose to be single mothers if there wasn't a potential father during their fertile years. Maybe it's not the main choice they wished for but it was the best they could at the time, and they could provide for the child.

[Cat Familiar]

Children can create difficulties even in the most stable of relationships. You’ve already experienced some profound difficulties in your relationship with your BPD boyfriend. Add more complexity and possibilities for chaos, and it’s likely that you already know what to expect should you choose to bring a child into your world.

[maxsterling]

Well, I first came here when my now W and I were just dating.  Folks here cautioned me about marriage, yet we did anyway.  Then folks cautioned me about kids, yet we did anyway.  And I will have to say that the caution from others was well-founded, as many of the "potential" scenarios have come to fruition.  I don't regret the kids - but at the time I was in my late-30s and feeling like I was running out of time.  Perhaps that clouded my judgement.

Your r/s sounds very similar to mine.  W has complained from day 1 about my "communication".  For a couple of years I thought I had a problem in this area.  But, with the help of a T, I now realize that 90+% of the times W complains about my communication, I would have had to have the power to predict the future in order to meet her needs.  The issue has nothing to do with my communication or lack thereof, it has to do with a disordered person's constant need for validation, which is impossible to fill. 

[mitochondrium]

Notwendy, I agree strongly. However making decisions was never my strong suit.

Cat Familiar, I agree and fear this.
maxsterling, I am curious to know how old your children are and how they are doing? Do you also (like some other members said) have a  filing of being a single dad often? Did your wife do any therapy?

[maxsterling]

maxsterling, I am curious to know how old your children are and how they are doing? Do you also (like some other members said) have a  filing of being a single dad often? Did your wife do any therapy?

My children are 6 year old twins boy/girl.  I am starting to see issues resulting from having a disordered parent.  My son has bouts of anger and has started to self harm (hitting/head banging), and sometimes makes statements that he wants to die.  My daughter is already showing signs of "walking on eggshells" around mom and is showing caretaking behaviors.  Both kids see a play therapist.  Both have had toileting issues.  Both were recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum disorder, although I am very skeptical of that diagnosis and wonder if the diagnosis came about from my wife pushing to have the kids diagnosed with something in order to get attention and excuses for why she has a difficult time with parenting. 

Yes, I feel like a single dad most of the time.  I do well over 90% of the household duties (preparing food for the kids, cleaning up, folding laundry, giving kids baths, etc).  W is pretty good about finding services/activities/playdates for the kids, but honestly if I was a single dad I would have no issues doing that as well.  In fact, I think my life would be much easier being a single dad because I would not have to deal with Ws needs. I have tried to step back and allow W to take over household duties, but all that means is stuff does not get done.  If I am late coming home, W usually does not prepare kids food.  If I leave the laundry for her to fold, the kids are complaining about no clothes in their drawers.  If I am not home, the kids usually don't get bathed or taken out for activities.  That's not to say that W doesn't do those things occasionally - usually I have to ask her to do them and when she does she goes on and on about how much work it was. 

I would be much more okay with the situation if she was taking care of herself without my input. Sadly she has zero initiative or self confidence to do much on her own. She is an expert at making problems where none exist, over analyzing, changing her mind, and making quick and easy tasks lengthy and difficult.  In this sense, being a single parent would be easier because I would not have to deal with the issues that she brings (for example, her indecision regarding school for the kids resulting from her difficulty with interpersonal relationships meant the decision was months long, extremely stressful, and the decision was revisited a dozen times.  if it was only me, I would have made a decision, stuck with it, and learned to work with whatever school/teacher the kids had)

[mitochondrium]

maxsterling, thank you so much for your honesty. This sums up my anxieties. Quick and easy tasks can get so lengthily and difficult - I feel this sentence deeply.

[ForeverDad]

BPD is tied to self esteem and abandonment issues, both of which make long term relationships very difficult.  I was married for 24 years with a BPD wife and daughter, and while we "made it" until the kids were out of the house as young adults, there were some super hard years in there where I felt like a single parent... If I knew in advance my wife had BPD, I never would have married her and definitely would not have had children with her. 

I know that sounds harsh and I hate to say it out loud- my kid is definitely a blessing.  But would I choose this?  I love my kid so much but I really think the answer is no.

You had a long distance relationship which at first was not so full of red flags. That's because distance is a factor that reduces the impact of BPD or another acting-out PD.  Those on the periphery may notice "something off" but they're far enough away not to be impacted much.  Now that you're together, it has become a concern.  Moving to the next level, having children together, will bring even more issues and discord to your notice.

Of concern to me most is that it seems he's not very into therapy?  Or giving it half effort?

I had thought I'd rescued my spouse from her dysfunctional family.  Turned out the SF abused both girls while SF made sure the boys were raised elsewhere by their father.  Yes, clueless me.

We started out fine but over time the discord gradually worsened.  It was manageable for a decade... until I got the clueless idea that she ought to be happier with a child happily discovering life.  Utter failure.  I tried to keep the marriage together but I could not bend a force of nature opposed to me being an involved father.  The marriage imploded.  As mentioned above, having a child made everything, including ending the adult relationship, vastly more difficult and complicated.  For example, our divorces tend to be high conflict and from 1 to 2 years or even longer.

[mitochondrium]

ForeverDad, bf is not against therapy. However he has not gotten official diagnosis yet. Some days ago it happened that while arguing he said he hated me and I should break up with him and then I replied ok, we should break up and I am sticking to it for now. He went sleeping elsewhere yesterday.

Right after break up I had therapy session where T said that maybe he could get better quickly with therapy if he knew about the diagnosis as he overcame dyslexia when he was little on his own. He suffered from severe dyslexia and it took him a long time before he was able to read, he barley finishend first few years of primary school. His parents didn't/couldn't/didn't know how to help him much. However he somehow thought himself to read. Later he made it to the university, he made it through the university. He got into PhD of biochemistry, he finished PhD. This are of course huge accomplishments and T thinks that if he was able to somehow learn himself to do the reading and schooling, he might be able to learn how to control BPD better with known diagnosis because of his determination and ability. This is probably a long shot, I am aware.

T suggested that maybe I should tell him about the diagnosis I suspect (there are problems with his official testing and it might take still some time). I was surprised, from what I read I didn't really want to, didn't feel it being my place and was afraid I will only get a tantrum or an accusation back. However, when I got home he was saying he will work on his problems, how he does not know what is wrong with him etc. Then I went for it, that it could be BPD, that it could also be stg. else that I am not qualified for a diagnosis, but that there are quiet some characteristics of this disease. Then he asked me what kind of and I told him. Then I suggested he checks for himself. One day later then he looked for himself and he said regarding to a relationship he checks all the boxes except self-harm and suicide. He said he will try his best to get better with therapy and that I should think if I will have him back, that he will really try. And also if I didn't take him back that he will still try very hard to get better. Maybe that is almost a miracle. If I now remember how I was doing my research in secrecy the whole summer etc. Other possibility is of course that he really doesn't want for the breakup to be final and he is making a lot of promises. I said I need more time to think. After this break up we are communicating way better than before when we were still together, we mostly talk about our issues and now they seem manageable. However, when I revisit the past I remember how impossible it was to communicate, how we got nowhere so often... How any serious topic could only be an argument. And then I visit this site and I see how divorces are etc. My brain says that chances for a huge change a slim, but my heart disagrees. It feels like if I don't give him another chance, then I don't even believe in treatment, since he acknowledges the diagnosis and is prepared to try.