I. I think my wife has BPD (Christian discussion)

[understandBPD]

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[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hello,

Will try to keep this as brief as possible wife has had a troubled childhood abusive mother and also sexual trauma she's suffered from anxiety , depression and attempted suicide in the past and constant suicidal thoughts.

Do you know this as a fact or is it just something she told you?

Hello,
I went to try to visit her and speak with family she basically made up a lot of lies about me making me look really bad said i cheated on etc (i've never been unfaithful)

Do they know this as a fact or is it just something she told them?

See a pattern?
This is BPD, they are victims of everyone, and everyone is their rescuing confidant, and the roles are interchangeable as suits.

Your opening line is probably the most common one everyone on here as heard from their partners when they first met. The next quoted line is probably the inevitable one that follows sooner or later

You try to seek help and understanding from their family who react in 2 ways,
a) it is slight on their bloodlines, and
b) they are sick of the BPDs life long dramas and dont want to get involved as no good comes of it anyway

Will you get sucked into trying to rescuing her and instead end up feeding and enabling it?
Probably.

Will it cause you endless amounts of emotional and financial stress? Definitely

Will you feel guilty and think that in someway you are falling short or are to blame?
Yes

Can you turn it around to create the dream you initially had for this relationship?
No, it was a mirage, a refection you wished to see. It was not real

Is this a mountain you can conquer to reach the pastures on the other side? No, there is only another mountain behind this one, and another beyond that. A BPD is a mountain dweller, no matter how much they bleat about wanting to live on the plains. Can you live in the mountains where every step is arduous and there is constant threat of avalanches.

Sounds harsh but there is no easy guideline to "fixing" a pwBPD, only questions of whether you can survive it and have a worthwhile life.

[understandBPD]

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[Tangled mangled]

Wave rider has given very solid advice.

The question is how much of this will you continue to take.

Do you call it a healthy marriage worth pursuing if the other person stone walls constantly for 6 months.
She’s clearly not willing to continue with the marriage but wants it to be your fault that it fell apart because you filed for divorce. You can look up something called reverse discard.

God fearing: what does that mean to you? A woman who acts in a way that’s hurtful to people that love and care for her, is being clearly manipulative and destructive towards her husband is far from the description of being God fearing. Remember that pwbpd are master manipulators- she may have convinced you that she was God fearing , that’s a mask she wore to maintain your focus.

Sending her money- well, she’s an adult and should be responsible for her own welfare. She chose to leave you to go live with her parents in a different country ( I wonder if she’s in a poorer country), she made her bed. Let her lie on it.

You asked the question whether or not you are enabling her: tge answer to that is YES. she’s taking you for a ride. If you stop funding her lifestyle, she will blame you. But none of that is your fault. She’s unwilling to respect her marriage vows and has left it to you to decide. 

She will keep stonewalling as long as you remain indecisive.

Please stop walking on eggshells, you are worth more than she has led you to believe. Your needs matter. Take care of yourself.

[understandBPD]

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[Tangled mangled]

So what do you suggest if my goal is to try to save our marriage in a healthy way would it be better to cut contact until she comes to me and don't say anything or give her a ultimatum that we've been apart long enough tell her to make a final decision then accept that ?



What you are experiencing is difficult and heartbreaking. You love your wife, you want your marriage to work. I take it you are recently married, you are grieving the loss of a dream.
It’s hard.
I’m only a stranger, I don’t know the details or the answers.

Going by what others have posted on this forum and my own experience, you can not make the marriage work all by yourself and when your boundaries are not crystal clear the pwbpd will do as they choose. Maybe an ultimatum will work to get answers from your wife or maybe it won’t.
The general consensus here is that you often left without closure when dealing with the end of a relationship. Sadly this is what I have read from your post. You want answers from your wife or atleast those closest to her. Her parents are staying out of it , for reasons you may not be aware of.

You may give her ultimatums to communicate her plans but the goal posts may keep shifting.

How long are you willing to put up the stonewalling. Yes she has not filed for divorce but that’s not an indication that she wants the marriage to continue. Most of the members of the community that ended marriages filed for divorce when they could not bear the abuse anymore.

I’m a female , from religious background too. Divorce is frowned upon in my family but when the abuse from my ex husband became unbearable I had to question my values and decide whether or not it was in my best interest. My ex husband too is religious and as far as I’m aware he didn’t cheat on me. He stonewalled too, refused to seek therapy or marriage counselling as he didn’t believe we had problems.

Bpd is a serious mental illness and it is treatable but not curable with intense therapy.
What has your wife said about your marriage, has she indicated a timeframe for returning to her matrimonial home? The answers are with your wife and this is part of the control.

[understandBPD]

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[kells76]

Friendly reminder that on the Bettering board, we focus on positive and constructive problem-solving for members wanting to stay in a relationship. It is a given that partners wBPD exhibit challenging traits and behaviors that impact the relationship. Members are encouraged to review the "Who should post on this board" sticky above for guidelines on what content can be posted in "Bettering".

[waverider]

I am only looking for advice on trying to help my wife and protect her and our marriage but i am grounded enough to understand this isn't my fault and understand there's no easy fix but my goal is to maintain our marriage if at all possible and i would also like to know if someone does have bpd is it always guranteed there going to cheat/replace you even when married or does it vary for me that is the only thing i really fear because that to me is the end of it without no option of forgiveness the rest of it the ignoring the distance the moods etc i can handle it that no problem.

No there is no guarantee she is going to cheat or move on, some may do this,  but it is not a given. How much or this can you put aside and not allow it it to niggle at you with suspicion?

As long as you can understand much of mechanisms that go through a pwBPDs mind without taking them too personally and at face value it is possible to make it work. Having physical distance, at least some of the time, can help work in your favour. It gives you space to cut of escalation and reground yourself. Sometimes it is the total immersion in the situation that makes it difficult for so many. Endless recycling drama is just part of a Boarderline relationship, so having this space is vital to get through

As far as providing physical and financial support, if you want to keep moving forward with this then you need to do this, but obviously staying realistic about it and not using it to compensate or influence.

She will come around when she is ready to come around. Just carry on doing your own thing in the meantime and just let it play out. The less pressure the better for everyone

[understandBPD]

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[Tangled mangled]

In addition to waverider’s advice:

Here’s a statement from this site for those who are trying to better their relationship with a pwbpd

General Approach:
The approach is four-fold: 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship; 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems; 3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and  4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves inside and outside of the relationship.
 
A relationship with a borderline requires a great deal of strength - the healthy partner must assume the role of emotional caretaker or emotional leader in the relationship. This requires strength, understanding, knowledge and patience. Self-care provides us strength, understanding connects us, knowledge guides our behavior through which we affect others and determines what is perceived. Patience and time are on our side.

There is also advice on how to communicate with pwbpd in the tools section of this website.

In one of your comments you mentioned therapy- are you in therapy? A good therapist can help you weather this storm. Also turning your focus on you and your own responses as that’s what you can control is important as others have pointed out.

There are  also lots of good advice on the board for how to better a relationship with pwbpd- received by others in this community.

[understandBPD]

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[Skip]

1.I want to know if i should continue providing her financial assistance and do the right thing as her husband or is this enabling her further ?

2.I would like to know the best way to handle stonewalling when she's cut all contact except email she's also still friends with my family on facebook

3.Is it better to continue reaching out to her whenever i feel the need to or should i stop contacting her and just be patient and wait for either her switch / realization or improvement in her behaviour or divorce papers

I am only looking for advice on trying to help my wife and protect her and our marriage but i am grounded enough to understand this isn't my fault and understand there's no easy fix but my goal is to maintain our marriage if at all possible and i would also like to know if someone does have bpd is it always guranteed there going to cheat/replace you even when married or does it vary for me that is the only thing i really fear because that to me is the end of it without no option of forgiveness the rest of it the ignoring the distance the moods etc i can handle it that no problem.

understandbpd,

We are here to help and a big part of that is helping you work through the issues you are struggling with.  

Your immediate issues raise some questions:

1. Providing her financial assistance
What type of assistance are you providing her? Between her parents support and her own ability to support herself, is she dependent on your assistance?

2. She's cut all contact except email she's also still friends with my family on facebook
What is the reason she has given you cutting contact? What is she upset about? What is she accusing you of doing? You said 30-40% of this is your fault... what did you do to contribute to the conflict. "Understanding" the conflict is the first step to resolving it. What is she going through?

3. Continue reaching out or should i stop contacting her and just be patient
Usually when a person asks for space, its good to give it. If she is not responding, additional efforts will make things worse.

Digging into this will help to understand this better.

If someone does have bpd is it always guaranteed there going to cheat/replace you even
There are no absolutes. She is a unique personality and you have a unique situation. Some of us have had similar situations, but our past situations don't predict the outcome of yours. We can predict failure and the odds are in our favor as the vast majority of all relationships fail.  

That said, regardless of whether she has BPD or just an allergy, the fact that your 10 months together was contentious, she has moved out for six months and you are not actively working things out, by definition, means your relationship has an uncertain future. At the same time, she hasn't cut things off with your family, she allowed you to visit, and she hasn't filed for divorce... so the door is not closed.

Right now, the ball is in her court. She knows you are there. She knows you want to resolve things. The biggest question is, do you know what the problem is and if it is resolvable?

[understandBPD]

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[thankful person]

if someone does have bpd is it always guranteed there going to cheat/replace you even when married or does it vary for me that is the only thing i really fear because that to me is the end of it without no option of forgiveness the rest of it the ignoring the distance the moods etc i can handle it that no problem.

I certainly don’t think that all pwbpd’s would be unfaithful or choose to leave their partner. I think the reason they are known for having many unstable and short relationships is because *most* people run a mile at seeing the early red flags we codependent caretakers chose to ignore. If only it were that simple though, to say that fidelity is the only thing that matters in a marriage. I’m personally struggling with the fact that I’ve been told nearly every day for a year that I’m not good enough for her and she wants me to leave, even though she doesn’t always act that way and speaks of wanting a split where we remain friends and I continue to spend lots of time with her and the kids. I’m in the process of trying to work out if and how much longer I will put up with this.

[Stasia77]

It must be hard, living in this limbo...
Question - how often do you email her and what was longest gap between 2 emails?
I wonder about the push-pull dynamic here, whether you would get some sort of reaction if you were to cease communicating. Also, the financing - seeing as she never asked for money, the father told you there was no need, and therefore you are not breaking any kind of agreement if you stopped sending money maybe that would bring some kind of development, a reaction of some kind? Ultimately, if you go by validation, by ceasing contact and not sending money (she said she didn't want it, right?) you are respecting her wishes. And showing her you are giving her total space.  Then all you need to do is wait - I am sure it is agonising, but as it stands you are in no better situation - also waiting and not knowing. By deciding to do something differently (as your other attempts have not yielded results), you are taking some control of the situation, and you know that she won't starve or be homeless or anything like that...
Just one note - for me the abuse account was a bit of a red flag. I find it hard to believe a person would willingly return to their parents' fold after experiencing such trauma. I suffered childhood trauma, left home as soon as I turned 18 and would have rather slept under a bridge than gone back to my father's house
Hope you get some answers, and soon!

[understandBPD]

Question - how often do you email her and what was longest gap between 2 emails?

Longest gap is about 7-8 days between emails or when i would try to contact her but i've just tried to get everything off my chest now make sure it's impossible for her to not understand what my 1 condition of keeping our marriage is and ensure she understands i don't believe its all my fault and im well aware she has issues and has contributed.

I'm going to focus more on myself and not contact her as much since like you've said its getting no result.

I wonder about the push-pull dynamic here, whether you would get some sort of reaction if you were to cease communicating.

I honestly don't think she has any emotions whatsoever at the moment at least for me she is stone cold which is what is even more difficult to comprehend the woman you've loved and sacrificed for over 5 years together and you've married the last time you were together you were holding eachother crying and now to someone who ignores u completely and seems completely switched off.

The money thing when she said she didnt want money it was when we were together she would say she feels bad and feels strange being given money i don't want to cut her off financially even if she's not going to be homeless/starve it's still my responsibility to provide for her and ensure she is comfortable until she initiates divorce so far i will keep treating her as my wife and remain faithful until she gives me a reason that is no longer the case e.g filing divorce or i find out there's someone else in the picture.

As i mentioned she's religious and so am i so any relationships outside marriage is sinful / adultery and i know she will have moral issues

Just one note - for me the abuse account was a bit of a red flag. I find it hard to believe a person would willingly return to their parents' fold after experiencing such trauma. I suffered childhood trauma, left home as soon as I turned 18 and would have rather slept under a bridge than gone back to my father's house

Abuse was from her mother but she loves her father the sexual abuse was unrelated to family she was with me she kept saying she felt stuck/trapped here which she wasn't she was free to do anything she wanted go out anytime have any female friends she wanted and i agreed to pay for her ticket home she didn't have any family or any real friends here which was hard for her plus a big culture shock.

So i do understand it was difficult for her but she really didn't have anywhere else to go when the sexual trauma happened when she was younger she moved in with her grandma unfortunately her grandma has passed away so that isn't an option and she hasn't got enough money or a good enough income to move out but again who knows what is true and what isn't after the way she's treating me and our marriage.

Her father didn't seem too suprised at the things i told him including the abuse so perhaps its true or perhaps he knows from experience she exagerates or makes things up for now im just going to stick to believing her at her word until its obvious what she might say isn't true.

Will see how it goes with giving her some space but don't have much hope in that i think after he traumas she's learned to just blank out w/e she needs that causes her discomfort i hope im wrong and the woman i fell in love with comes back

[Skip]

Longest gap is about 7-8 days between emails or when i would try to contact her but i've just tried to get everything off my chest now make sure it's impossible for her to not understand what my 1 condition of keeping our marriage is and ensure she understands i don't believe its all my fault and im well aware she has issues and has contributed.

This is good. Your answers are open an honest.

Chasing someone after they moved out to get things "off your chest", to tell them "they have issues", and what your "deal breakers" are and hoping for agreement is probably not going to open any doors in any estranged relationship.

Estrangement is often about running away from an unbearable or humiliating situation. Its running from something you don't want to face. If your communications contain any of the stuff she is running away from, she is not likely to run back.

You guys had a rough 10 months and you had a significant part in that; whether it 20% or 60%. There was damage done. And she damaged you, too. And you are focused on your injuries. She is likely focused on hers. That's not a formula for reconciliation.

I would give her space while you work through this with your therapist and here. I suspect you will need a significant re-direct in your approach and thinking to make any progress in your marriage. And this is not about something you tell her ("I'm working on myself"), but more about being different (he seems different somehow).

Can you read this article on our site and tell me what stage you thing the relationship is in? https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[understandBPD]

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[Skip]

Have (1) you had any experience or (2) heard stories of a similar case where they've just completely blocked out the person and then came back after just backing off ?

Yes. Both 1 and 2.

And there have been stories here where the partner never looked back.

And there are many stories where over-pursuing kicked the last ounce of life out of a broken relationship.

Strategically backing off, and turning the volume down is one of the best things to do now.

I mentioned earlier, you to rethink where this relationship is and your approach to it.

If she is talking to you mom, that is a hopeful sign.

Here is what the article says:

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection.

This is what you are saying:

Stage 4 for sure she's completely stonewalling me i told her its destructive and will destroy our marriage (I've actually sent her a link about stonewalling and the gottmans 4 horsemen as well in the past)

You may be seeing only one side of this equation... there are two parts.

• a breakdown of basic trust
• increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection.

If you are seen as impatient, if you seen as controlling, or if you are seen a threatening, that will push her away.

Of course this could just be insecurity she could be just focusing on herself and working for all i know

It is your insecurity that is driving you to stress out and it is your insecurity that is driving you to do things that are pushing her away.

You need to be a strong, man, a patient man, and a confident man. No women is attracted to someone who is appears broken, needy, controlling, desperate.

What would a a strong, patient, and a confident man do here?

Continued here