I think my wife has BPD (Christian discussion)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a high degree of confidence that God chose her to be my wife (and still do).  I don't know if you have that confidence or not.

I honestly believe God had made her to match me perfectly and still believe that we will end up together its just painful going through all of this. I am hoping things get a little more easier or there's at least some form of hope even if its something small like a thank you for her birthday card or something.

It's stressful for me because i've gone 6 months and don't really know what she's thinking or where she's at what her plan is. It's all unknown to me i don't know if she's trying to move on or if she's going to stay in the marriage and just be separated the unknown makes it more difficult.

[understandBPD]

I had a high degree of confidence that God chose her to be my wife (and still do).  I don't know if you have that confidence or not.

I honestly believe God had made her to match me perfectly and still believe that we will end up together its just painful going through all of this. I am hoping things get a little more easier or there's at least some form of hope even if its something small like a thank you for her birthday card or something.

It's stressful for me because i've gone 6 months and don't really know what she's thinking or where she's at what her plan is. It's all unknown to me i don't know if she's trying to move on or if she's going to stay in the marriage and just be separated the unknown makes it more difficult.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Not having any communication does make it difficult to know what someone is thinking.

I think there's good advice here already and I don't have any to add. I did want to clarify the discussion on continuing to send money as I did participate in that. Whenever we are trying to make the best decision we can- tuning in to our own values often helps.

The idea of not sending it is based on feelings of anger, resentment- but even so, you want to feel you gave the relationship the best possible chance. I think you have come up with your own best answer based on your values. Your wish is that she will continue the marriage but it's not possible to know what she decides. You don't want to feel that discontinuing the money contributed to a decision to not continue the relationship.  I agree with the others that continuing to send the money to her is the better decision-for now. In addition, they may be needing it for something and you don't want to cause harm if you discontinue it.

[Skip]

"Continued discussion on whether your views on husband leadership was an issue in your relationship with her. ~ Fian"

It's stressful for me because i've gone 6 months and don't really know what she's thinking or where she's at what her plan is.

I agree with Notwendy. This is a challenging time and it is most difficult to not know what she is thinking. I know that hurts.

Let's break down what is happening. Why do people stonewall? Why do people become passive-aggressive?

Is it to punish you?  No. Not likely, based on what you are telling us. It's more often a defense mechanism. It often happens in an environment where the direct expression of disagreement is discouraged (real or perceived). When one feels that they cannot express their opinions and emotions openly, or that it is futile to do so, or they will be met with an overwhelming counter response, they eventually shut down or use indirect methods of expression.

Is this a dynamic that has developed in your marriage?

It may not be obvious to you, but there was a significant power differential in this relationship. You had the money, you are older, you are bigger and stronger, you owned everything; she was isolated in your country/culture and entirely dependent on you for everything, including food and shelter. And you both prescribed to an unequal relationship model where the power dynamic was shifted even more in your favor.

It became too much and she ran home to a more nurturing environment. It's one thing to read these things in a book, and its another to live it. Her parting message could be interpreted as this is not working for me, I need a life with more independence.

.	She said: I need to basically change my entire life I need to get a good job with good money I need to go to therapy for minimum 1 year I need to move out rent my own place alone for the forseeable future

To be fair, this arrangement would be hard on any woman. It would be harder on a very young women. It would be harder, still, on a woman with BPD traits because shame and low self-worth are inherent in their personality. No blame here; on you or on her. You were doing what you thought was best and I suspect she was, too.

I know it's excruciating to think that you may have inadvertently contributed to the very thing that is breaking your heart. We all get that. This is a deeply painful realization that many members ultimately experience. If you read on the parenting board, for example, the number one question parents have is "Did I do this to my baby". And the answer is "you contributed to it. You didn't (couldn't) realize that you had a special needs child. You will now need to learn what those needs are. You can only change going forward. You can't go back".

Does this seem like a realistic assessment of why she has cut off communications?

I would wait a few months (i.e., December) before contacting them again. I also would not send flowers or a birthday email. The books, a card, and the letter are enough.

Here is the dilemma I think you face in turning this around and why I would lay low for a few months. You already declared that you had changed. I think you did change some things, but you haven't changed the most significant issue of all, your living interpretation of Ephesians 5:22-25 (your relationship model). This theme has been a constant in six months of weekly and biweekly unanswered communications, including the birthday gift (The Excellent Wife book) currently en route to her for her birthday at the end of the month.

You can't just say, never mind, I've changed since I mailed you the book  . It's not true and it's not believable.

The first step is to challenge yourself on whether your beliefs and the mentors you choose have a complete understanding of God's word. The Bible is complicated and it is easy to take things out of context. If you genuinely believe that context is lacking (or may be lacking), you need to expand your horizons with different spiritual mentors. There are christian counselors and seminary colleges with night classes that can help you examine your beliefs. There are bible studies in local churches.

Are you genuinely motivated to do a deep dive like this? It's a big decision.

Before you can proclaim "change" in your email, real transformation has to happen in your heart and for your heart.

This is a very high bar.

As painful as this has been, could it be that the Holy Spirit is guiding you to make this transformation?

[Cat Familiar]

I want to jump in this discussion with some ideas that I haven’t seen fully explored. First, women in their early twenties are very changeable. They are not fully formed adults yet. Research shows that men’s brains don’t completely mature until age 25, and though there is speculation that women’s brains mature some years earlier, we are all individuals.

Anecdotally, I’ve seen lots of young women in their 20s make huge changes in their lives, just as a result of maturing. I include myself.

In addition, she is from a foreign country that you don’t specify, and perhaps what she has experienced in the presumably more cosmopolitan country where you live has given her food for thought. Perhaps she is reevaluating some of her previous ideas about what a relationship is, given that she has experienced cultural differences she might otherwise have not known about nor understood.

You say that, against your wishes, she sought out a job in your country. Certainly that would have exposed her to some different ideals and values that she may not have previously considered.

You seem intent upon holding her to the premarital agreement of the type of marriage that you so vehemently want. Now that she has lived with you for a while, and understands from experience what it is you require, perhaps she’s not as interested in complying with your ideal of what a marriage should be.

That you have sent her books on being the kind of wife you want, yet at the same time, telling her you are a *changed man*, seems to indicate the falsity of that claim.

If you truly want to retain the marriage, the best step would be to quit demanding what you want and find out what she wants.

[understandBPD]

Does this seem like a realistic assessment of why she has cut off communications?

Yes she would say that its hard to communicate with me and say i gaslight her i also cut her off a lot of the time and definetly invalidated her feelings a lot as well. When she would say how she feels i would usually respond with why those feelings made no sense or with a logical (almost lawyer like response) and always wanting to fix things not listen.

I've identified a lot of these issues and a lot of it i just didn't even know about it wasn't something i was intentionally doing to hurt her it was just a lack of emotional intillegence to an extent which is why i feel a lot more confident now after learning.

Here is the dilemma I think you face in turning this around and why I would lay low for a few months.

I feel a constant pressure of a clock ticking down to reach that full 12 month seperation period until she can divorce me. Whether that's actually what she is planning to do or just insecurity combined with the unknown thinking and if she's moving on or upholding her faithfulness its extremely difficult to imagine just leaving the situation for months. I will do what i can to limit contact as much as possible and go with what we've agreed on the previous posts.

Are you genuinely motivated to do a deep dive like this? It's a big decision.

I am willing to compromise to an extent but not overhaul my entire belief/views on God and marriage to suit someone with a personality disorder that isn't upholding her end of the commitment and the way i view it is like if you allow a woman to lead you down a path that contradicts what God has instructed then your being lead to destruction.

As painful as this has been, could it be that the Holy Spirit is guiding you to make this transformation?

I don't think it "could be" i am 100% certain and strongly believe that this separation had to happen for me to firstly get out of my depressive phase which it did and make some significant changes in my life it's unforunate that it took her leaving for it to happen but i am glad. Because if it didn't happen we would of continued in a cycle of fighting and things would of been so bad it would of been unsavable afterwards that was initially the idea behind me agreeing for her to go back to her parents for 2-3 months.

I also strongly believe God gives us tribulations and trials to make us better e.g the story of Job so i am not afraid of pain or suffering and embrace it and learn from it and it strengthens my faith in God i have never thought to myself why has God done this to me and blamed God i always look for the positive and lessons within my suffering.

In addition, she is from a foreign country that you don’t specify

Tried to leave some details out intentionally just to be safe but she's from a middle eastern country (islamic) but from a christian family.

You say that, against your wishes, she sought out a job in your country. Certainly that would have exposed her to some different ideals and values that she may not have previously considered.

I told her it was a bad idea and that i didn't support it but i said if she chose to she could because i allowed her free choice. She liked the job itself because it was part of what she was interested in but as i expected she got a lot of cultural shocks she hated the travelling back and forth and she was absolutely exhausted every day which contributed to her decline in mood and behaviour even further and its also when she started eating less healthy and not attending the gym more so overall it was a bad decision.

That you have sent her books on being the kind of wife you want, yet at the same time, telling her you are a *changed man*, seems to indicate the falsity of that claim.

We both entered into a unbreakable agreement between each other and God that we spent years discussing and agreeing to. I sent her books from people she would send me things about e.g the transformed wife (her ideas not mine) i sent her another book that is a couples book for DBT and BPD and a combo book for husband and wife (Explary husband for me) and (The excellent wife for her) so we can both learn and be guided on what we agreed on.

If you truly want to retain the marriage, the best step would be to quit demanding what you want and find out what she wants.

Without sounding rude i don't really like your tone and the way you speak and i also get red flag feminist vibes from specific words you use and im not really interested in your input based on that. If i wanted to marry a woman who has a rebellious and evil nature and issues with submission and feminist views i would of married 1 but i opted to remain single to avoid that misery the woman i married was the completely opposite of all of that.

I do want my marriage to work but a marriage isn't about what she wants we married each other because we love each other and were in absolute agreement on our beliefs and what we wanted from a life and marriage. You can't just abandon all of that run home to dad and stonewall someone until you get your way that's childish and ridiculous and nobody should treat there partner this way let alone show such dishonor for there vowels they made to each other and God.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes she would say that it’s hard to communicate with me and say i gaslight her i also cut her off a lot of the time and definetly invalidated her feelings a lot as well. When she would say how she feels i would usually respond with why those feelings made no sense or with a logical (almost lawyer like response) and always wanting to fix things not listen.

It’s good that you are identifying these issues. Also it would be good to communicate your different understanding about this, once the doors of communication reopen.

I've identified a lot of these issues and a lot of it i just didn't even know about it wasn't something i was intentionally doing to hurt her it was just a lack of emotional intillegence to an extent which is why i feel a lot more confident now after learning.

So many of us are in the same boat. We didn’t realize the impact of our behavior and we had no ill intentions whatsoever.

I feel a constant pressure of a clock ticking down to reach that full 12 month seperation period until she can divorce me. Whether that's actually what she is planning to do or just insecurity combined with the unknown thinking and if she's moving on or upholding her faithfulness its extremely difficult to imagine just leaving the situation for months. I will do what i can to limit contact as much as possible and go with what we've agreed on the previous posts.

It makes sense that you feel the time pressure—anyone would. And how frustrating it is that you are unable to communicate with her to understand what is going on.

Without sounding rude i don't really like your tone and the way you speak and i also get red flag feminist vibes from specific words you use and im not really interested in your input based on that.

That’s fine—I know I can come across as abrasive at times. Interesting that based upon that, you choose to disregard anything I could contribute to the discussion.

If i wanted to marry a woman who has a rebellious and evil nature and issues with submission and feminist views i would of married 1 but i opted to remain single to avoid that misery the woman i married was the completely opposite of all of that.

Yet somehow you have married a woman with a rebellious nature. Do you see any value in perhaps understanding why that may have occurred?

I do want my marriage to work but a marriage isn't about what she wants

That’s an interesting outlook

we married each other because we love each other and were in absolute agreement on our beliefs and what we wanted from a life and marriage. You can't just abandon all of that run home to dad and stonewall someone until you get your way that's childish and ridiculous and nobody should treat there partner this way let alone show such dishonor for there vowels they made to each other and God.

And yet she won’t take your calls.

[understandBPD]

That’s fine—I know I can come across as abrasive at times. Interesting that based upon that, you choose to disregard anything I could contribute to the discussion.

I don't disregard anyones contributions i just think we may have very different views on marriage and a womans role based on your comments. So rather than argue back and forth about who's right and wrong it's easier to just be upfront. You're entitled to your beliefs as am i and my wife and i shared the same views upon meeting and throughout the entire relationship.

Yet somehow you have married a woman with a rebellious nature. Do you see any value in perhaps understanding why that may have occurred?

Assuming she has BPD she most likely idealized me after she discarded the last person she used. She would of been attracted to me because i have very strong views on submission and she liked it and felt safe. Her having issues and trouble childhood and me having what im starting to think is co-dependancy wanted to be the saviour of her and fix everything. All i've wanted in my life was someone who could match my loyalty and commitment and i believed she could and that marriage is a commitment until death that's exactly what we both understood and went into.

With that mindset you are motivated to love each other unconditionally and work through whatever obstacles you face as a team there is no running away or abandoning it and in old times if you did you'd either accept being alone the rest of your life or you'd be put to death if you tried to re marry that is Gods intention that 2 people become 1 flesh and you love your wife/husband as you love your own flesh you can't just split apart just because she goes to a court and someone says ok your now divorced means absolutely nothing in Gods eyes. If she divorces me legally and re marries she's still comitting adultery and sin and will be punished accordingly.

I plan to uphold my vowels and commitment and try to love my wife as best as i can in this situation and part of that love is trying to help her see her sinful and rebellious behaviour and how destructive it trully is i mean after all she is literally carrying out the actions of the women she despised since i met her and i believe that carries a heavy burden on her especially when she claimed to not believe in divorce and that its ridiculous that women divorce over pretty much anything. (this is our situation)

That’s an interesting outlook

I am guessing you aren't religious based on your comments perhaps im wrong but God's intention for marriage is for 2 people to become 1 and to live there lives serving God. God created a woman to be the helpmeet to man that is her God intended purpose is to help her husband love him care for him and do so in a submissive way with a meek and quiet spirit.

Naturally any good God fearing man who has a woman who isn't rebellious or fights for power will want to serve his wife and do anything for her this is my belief the reason we are having so many issues is she wants to fight for control and be disobedient and i naturally will not let that happen so now we are in a situation where she's become destructive and will destroy her life and mine because she can't get the control she wants. If she wanted control or didn't like the idea of submission and Gods intention then she should of thought about that before making such a serious commitment.

All of our relationship issues have stemmed from her struggling with submission and rebellion something she has openly admitted and even said to some extent there's a "demon" she is battling to do the right thing. The answer to this isn't giving in to her or letting her get full control the answer is her learning to submit humbly and embracing Gods word and for me to educate myself and learn to become a better husband and spiritually lead and work on improving my communication and emotional intelligence to be better equipped to help her and make her feel safe.

And yet she won’t take your calls.

That's ok its a reflection of her emotional immaturity not only is she self sabotaging and destroying her marriage and life but she's wasting her most important years of her life and going down a path of destruction and divorce. I wouldn't consider that something to be proud of and if she put the effort she has into stonewalling me into her marriage she would be in a much better place. (The most ironic thing is 99% of our issues in our marriage could be resolved by sitting down for a hour or so and communicating them clearly.)

[Cat Familiar]

I don't disregard anyones contributions i just think we may have very different views on marriage and a womans role based on your comments. So rather than argue back and forth about who's right and wrong it's easier to just be upfront. You're entitled to your beliefs as am i and my wife and i shared the same views upon meeting and throughout the entire relationship.

I agree. I wouldn’t dream of arguing with you about your beliefs. Rather my intent is to explore what happened in that your wife is now far away and is refusing to communicate with you.

Assuming she has BPD she most likely idealized me after she discarded the last person she used. She would of been attracted to me because i have very strong views on submission and she liked it and felt safe. Her having issues and trouble childhood and me having what im starting to think is co-dependancy wanted to be the saviour of her and fix everything. All i've wanted in my life was someone who could match my loyalty and commitment and i believed she could and that marriage is a commitment until death that's exactly what we both understood and went into.

She agreed to that and now she is in violation of her agreement. (This is typical BPD, though we can’t know for certain if she has that, or if this is merely a change of heart.)

With that mindset you are motivated to love each other unconditionally and work through whatever obstacles you face as a team there is no running away or abandoning it and in old times if you did you'd either accept being alone the rest of your life or you'd be put to death if you tried to re marry that is Gods intention that 2 people become 1 flesh and you love your wife/husband as you love your own flesh you can't just split apart just because she goes to a court and someone says ok your now divorced means absolutely nothing in Gods eyes. If she divorces me legally and re marries she's still comitting adultery and sin and will be punished accordingly.

My first point centers around the age she was when you first became involved with her. In my country, it is illegal for minors to enter into a contract because they don’t have the mental capacity to enter into a binding legal agreement. I’m not saying she was a minor when she married you, but if she came from a very conservative religious family (due to limited exposure which could have slowed down the process of developing her own autonomy and sense of self—i.e. maturity), and/or she has BPD, she may have made a commitment without having the emotional maturity to be able to honor it.

That in your mind, there is no escape clause for having made a choice to marry that she might later regret, puts you in a situation where she could perceive you as predatory and punitive. (I’m not saying you are, but I’m trying to imagine how someone, who fled from a family where there was stated abuse, and has now fled from a marriage to return to that family—might be thinking.)

I plan to uphold my vowels and commitment and try to love my wife as best as i can in this situation and part of that love is trying to help her see her sinful and rebellious behaviour and how destructive it trully is i mean after all she is literally carrying out the actions of the women she despised since i met her and i believe that carries a heavy burden on her especially when she claimed to not believe in divorce and that its ridiculous that women divorce over pretty much anything. (this is our situation)

Again, this puts you in a position where you are telling her that she is sinful, her behavior is destructive, and she’s a hypocrite since she once condemned that very behavior in other women. Can you see how this might undermine your intentions of reopening dialog with her? Really, who wants to hear that they are *bad* from someone who says that they love them? Even emotionally healthy people would be disinclined to return to that. Add BPD to the mix, and it becomes explosive. People with BPD hate being told they are bad, as they already feel so much self loathing.

I am guessing you aren't religious based on your comments

My beliefs play no part in this. I’m merely looking at your dynamic from the point of view of trying to imagine how your communication might land with a woman who is possibly someone with BPD.

my belief the reason we are having so many issues is she wants to fight for control and be disobedient and i naturally will not let that happen so now we are in a situation where she's become destructive and will destroy her life and mine because she can't get the control she wants. If she wanted control or didn't like the idea of submission and Gods intention then she should have thought about that before making such a serious commitment.

Again, think about that she might have made the commitment without having the maturity to fully understand what she was committing to. Also that she was exposed to a more cosmopolitan society than she had been accustomed to—that can cause reevaluation of one’s beliefs, especially in such a young person.

All of our relationship issues have stemmed from her struggling with submission and rebellion something she has openly admitted and even said to some extent there's a "demon" she is battling to do the right thing. The answer to this isn't giving in to her or letting her get full control the answer is her learning to submit humbly and embracing Gods word and for me to educate myself and learn to become a better husband and spiritually lead and work on improving my communication and emotional intelligence to be better equipped to help her and make her feel safe.

The first part of your answer (her learning to submit) is totally out of your control. You cannot make her do something/learn something/submit if she’s not willing to do so. And apparently she isn’t—that’s why she is with her family rather than you. The second point (you improving yourself) is within your power and it appears that you are learning a lot.

That's ok its a reflection of her emotional immaturity not only is she self sabotaging and destroying her marriage and life but she's wasting her most important years of her life and going down a path of destruction and divorce. I wouldn't consider that something to be proud of and if she put the effort she has into stonewalling me into her marriage she would be in a much better place.

It’s a choice she’s making, and it’s completely out of your control.

(The most ironic thing is 99% of our issues in our marriage could be resolved by sitting down for a hour or so and communicating them clearly.)

A lot of people on this forum seem to think that clear communication is a magic cure-all for issues in their marriage. Perhaps that can be the beginning of a workable solution for partners who are emotionally healthy. Sadly, with people with BPD, communication is only a very first step in making improvements. It’s often a very long road to getting lasting positive change and as the *non* partner, we have to do the lion’s share of the work.

[understandBPD]

I agree. I wouldn’t dream of arguing with you about your beliefs. Rather my intent is to explore what happened in that your wife is now far away and is refusing to communicate with you.

I would appreciate this and consider it helpful especially from a womans perspective.

She agreed to that and now she is in violation of her agreement. (This is typical BPD, though we can’t know for certain if she has that, or if this is merely a change of heart.)

She was usually pretty good at keeping her commitments and promises but wasn't so good with time management . I do think this situation and the thought of divorce is putting a great deal of stress on her and i do not believe it's what she really wants deep down.

I mainly say this because other than the 1 or so times she's mentioned it she has done nothing to move towards that option and in the limited contact ive had she never talked about divorce just asked me to not contact her (i guess you could take that either way and say she is done or she just needs time)

My first point centers around the age she was when you first became involved with her. In my country, it is illegal for minors to enter into a contract because they don’t have the mental capacity to enter into a binding legal agreement. I’m not saying she was a minor when she married you, but if she came from a very conservative religious family (due to limited exposure which could have slowed down the process of developing her own autonomy and sense of self—i.e. maturity), and/or she has BPD, she may have made a commitment without having the emotional maturity to be able to honor it.

She was young but definetly not a minor and she was very mature for her age even to my suprise the maturity level of women in the eastern countries compared to western is very different and i think that's why we were able to get along well.

I do think she didn't fully develop her sense of self and she mentioned 1 time she had taken being a wife as her entire being and she constantly felt like she hasn't achieved anything in life etc (not because of being a wife just in general she felt like she was constantly wasting her life away) in reality she wasn't she was very intelligent and mature for her age she was quite deep and educated in history and philosophy and spoke multiple languages which was pretty impressive for such a young woman.

I tried to encourage her and tell her how amazing she was and she shouldn't worry so much about things but she constantly stressed and wanted a 100 different things in life. I am more relaxed and consider the marriage and starting a family to be the end goal of success and feel very comfortable and content.

I am of the opinion having our first child would of put a lot of that worry and lack of purpose to rest within her. She spoke about having kids as soon as possible the younger the better and wanted many but when she got here she changed her tune and kept stressing about finances and setting up the "perfect" situation to have children. I wanted children straight away but did not pressure her and believed she needed time to adjust to different country / culture and settle in and seeing her already struggling it was a bad idea to get her pregnant as well. Sometimes i think perhaps if i ignored all of that and she was pregnant it would of locked in her commitment to marriage and would of only been a matter of time before those worries she had faded away alternatively could of gone in the opposite direction and been a disaster.

That in your mind, there is no escape clause for having made a choice to marry that she might later regret, puts you in a situation where she could perceive you as predatory and punitive.

She had time to make a decision especially with long distance and i went through her father and spoke direct with him and got his permission so if they believed something was wrong they would of stopped it. It was actually the opposite and they really liked me and didn't make it too difficult for me which was good. I don't see the commitment as a no escape clause i see it as a commitment and loyalty thing if you love someone enough and have saved yourself for marriage then it obviously means a great deal to you. I don't believe any person should enter a marriage thinking of ways out or to feel like there trapped.

She was never stuck here she could go back to her country and i paid for everything i think i actually made her life too easy compared to what she was used of at her parents and perhaps that's my mistake too much freedom and being the nice guy to her wanting to keep her happy backfired.

Assuming she does have BPD isn't 1 of the most common things just running away from problems and painting them black its why partners seem to struggle so much with discard because 1 minute there in love the next the person is a stranger. I don't think justifying her actions as a "Normal" person in this situation makes much sense because i do not believe i am mainly responsible for what she's doing.

Again, think about that she might have made the commitment without having the maturity to fully understand what she was committing to. Also that she was exposed to a more cosmopolitan society than she had been accustomed to—that can cause reevaluation of one’s beliefs, especially in such a young person.

This could be possible some people believe she just used me for a visa and it was her plan / families plan all along i don't believe that personally but i could see how it plays in her favor i don't know if she intends to return to my country in the future or after she divorces but she did tell me previously she didn't like living here and prefered her country.

The first part of your answer (her learning to submit) is totally out of your control. You cannot make her do something/learn something/submit if she’s not willing to do so.

I agree all i can do is guide her and provide the information she has to willingly do the rest and that's basically what i intended with the books from people she introduced me to.

A lot of people on this forum seem to think that clear communication is a magic cure-all for issues in their marriage.

I mainly say this because if you said what's the biggest issue or the deal breaker that we can't seem to resolve there isn't 1 to sum up what happen is she's had a turbulent past came into a marriage with emotional baggage was depressed struggling i was also depressed struggling so neither of us could emotionally support the other properly so we withdrew things went into a cycle of minor fights that slowly escalated over little things.

So thinking back now with the information i have about BPD and emotional intelligence and previously not really connecting the dots that she had some serious issues going on i would be much more empathetic and would of got her professional help. Instead i invalidated her feelings because to me they were ridiculous and she was being dramatic and childish (I actually said these things to her and she hated it and became even worse) then i would continue saying she's proving my point that she's acting like a child.

The sad thing is i didn't realize she had some form of personality disorder and i didn't realize my own mistakes of invalidating someone who is feeling a certain way simply because i couldn't make logical sense of why she felt that way and instead just provided solutions and tried to fix everything. I do regret this part of the marriage because i love her and i don't believe what happen to her as a child growing up is her fault and she deserves to be loved and feel safe and that's what is motivating me to keep holding on and improving myself because i don't want to see her divorced and ruining her life knowing she lost someone who does love her and would do anything for her.

I do trully hope she will slowly soften her heart and give our marriage a real opportunity and we can reconcile and have a stronger marriage.

It’s often a very long road to getting lasting positive change and as the *non* partner, we have to do the lion’s share of the work.

This sums up how i feel because it's always been me holding things together and making it work and chasing her to "fix" it and felt like if i was to just sit back do nothing then it be over and she wouldn't chase me or fix anything and just give up.

I sometimes drink tea sitting in the garden and just ponder is a relationship / marriage really meant to be this stressful and difficult and also taking a look back i've only had 3 serious relationships and all 3 it was always me fighting to keep it which hurts because i thought my wife would be someone who would fight for me too and never give up or abandon me. I told her my fears and what i've always wanted and she told me she would never give up on me or hurt me and would never leave under any circumstance and promises this over and over.

So for it to now be happening without any serious reasoning e.g cheating , abuse , drugs etc etc it is extremely disheartening and hard to deal with.

[Fian]

Let's talk some more about the husband's leadership in the family.  I already gave you verses on servant leadership which I believe you rejected.  I am not going to restate them here.

I would like to suggest to you that your position and your wife's are probably not polar opposites.  She probably does still believe that the wife should submit to her husband, however your interpretation of what that means is too extreme for her.  Some flexibility on your part might go a long way in making it easier for her to submit to you.  It should also be noted that we should be growing in our Christian walk.  She may grow in her ability to submit to you.  I know that my wife did with me.  Having less than the ideal today, doesn't mean it can't get better in the future.  However, that won't happen so long as you have the mindset that surrendering an inch means that you can't respect yourself and she will use it to walk all over you.  An inch can just mean an inch.

It should also be noted that you live in a western country, which does not recognize a husband's authority over his wife.  She can refuse to submit and there isn't much you can do about it.  It should also be noted that when she refuses to submit, it is really an issue between her and God.  He will deal with her when it comes to sin in her life.

How to handle things in an imperfect world is challenging.  I stopped discussing the theology of Old Testament divorce with you as it seemed to be a side topic, but I think it actually applies here.  Let's review the verses. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 says, "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's wife, and if the latter husband...<summary: divorces her or dies>... then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance."

Some key points from this passage.  Divorce was legal, and established by God since God inspired both the Old and New Testament.  There was no expectation that marrying another would result in the execution of either of them for adultery.  If divorce equals adultery equals execution, then the Bible would not cover remarriage to the original when a second marriage had ended.

Let's now talk about New Testament verses on divorce.  Matthew 5:31-32 says, "And it was said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce', but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (Luke 16:18 has the reverse that the man also commits adultery if he remarries).

Matthew 19:3-8 says, "And some Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?'  And He answered and said, 'Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to the wife, and the two shall become one flesh?  Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh.  What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.'  They said to Him, 'Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?'  He said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way.'"

From these verses, we see that while God allowed divorce, he still views it as sin.  But why allow divorce at all?  My interpretation of the above verse is that insisting on perfection with imperfect people can do even more damage.  If divorce was not allowed, you would probably see an increase in 3 things - murder, suicide, and "open" marriages where the husband was practically divorced from his wife, but did not release her.  God, in his wisdom, saw that allowing divorce was better for the long term health of society, even though it was contrary to His design.

So, why do I bring this up?  Your wife and you are at odds about your roles in marriage.  You insisting on perfection is resulting in the complete destruction of your marriage.  Some kind of compromise may save your marriage, and allow you both to get better at your roles.  In my mind, the simplest compromise is you make decisions, she decides on whether to follow, and you let God deal with her if she refuses to follow your lead.

One last thing about leadership.  You are the leader, but you can still delegate.  You don't have to make all the decisions.  Proverbs 31:16 says, "She considers a field and buys it, from her earnings she plants a vineyard."  The Proverbs 31 woman is praised as an example for women to follow, but it shows that doesn't mean that she lacks the ability to make decisions.

[Fian]

I sometimes drink tea sitting in the garden and just ponder is a relationship / marriage really meant to be this stressful and difficult

Yes, marriages are usually very difficult, especially the first year.  We both bring our sin into the marriage, and 2 becoming one flesh is difficult.  It can get a lot better.

[understandBPD]

I already gave you verses on servant leadership which I believe you rejected.

You probably misunderstood me i don't disagree with servant leadership and don't reject the bible verses you have mentioned. It might be we have different interpretations of those within a marriage and specific scenarios.

Some flexibility on your part might go a long way in making it easier for her to submit to you.

As mentioned i am willing to be flexible if i wasn't i would of sent her my terms of marriage and said make a decision you follow these or you can go divorce me.

I understand i am new to marriage and being a husband and it takes time to develop the right skills needed to have a successful marriage but the part about not leaving each other is what allows a marriage and 2 people to grow and improve if 1 of those abandons there vowels you sabotage that growth.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4

This applies to when a man marries a woman and is intimate with her he finds some uncleaness e.g she isn't a virgin that he may put her away or any other uncleaness based on KJV and Strong's H6172 definition.

Divorce is not adultery but remarrying and or sleeping with another person other than your wife or husband (first marriage) is adultery and the punishment for adultery was death. That is why in 1 Corinthians 7:11 it says if she departs let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife. It does not say let her go re marry because God allows it.

From these verses, we see that while God allowed divorce, he still views it as sin.  But why allow divorce at all?

Jesus said from the beginning it wasn't so (God's intention was for 2 people to become 1 flesh forever that's it) it also only talks about husbands divorcing wives not wives being allowed to divorce husbands.

It also says any man that puts away his wife other than Fornication (wife not being a virgin on consumation) then that man also commits adultery and again the penalty for adultery is stoning to death.

God hates divorce and it is not Gods intention to allow or support divorce outside of the 1 and only biblical reason which is fornication. (The reason adultery isn't classified as another reason for divorce is because if a person was found to commit adultery they'd be put to death which releases the other person from there vowels allowing them to re marry without commiting adultery)

Moses permitted divorce not God and the pharisee's were "Tempting" Jesus to try to catch him out.

If divorce was not allowed, you would probably see an increase in 3 things - murder, suicide, and "open" marriages where the husband was practically divorced from his wife, but did not release her.  God, in his wisdom, saw that allowing divorce was better for the long term health of society, even though it was contrary to His design.

I disagree , it means that people would take there commitment more seriously and not enter into a unbreakable bond with eachother without serious thought and consideration. Divorce destroys families and childrens lives it also increased suicide rates amongst men (since most women are the 1's who opt for divorce) another way satan temps females but with Gods design this wasn't possible a woman who married a man it was until death literally there was no way out so they were faithful and committed to the marriage and did whatever it would take to make it work.

Now women can get no fault divorces and in some countries clean out the husbands bank account this isn't biblical and it encourages destructive sinful behaviour.

You insisting on perfection is resulting in the complete destruction of your marriage.  

This isn't true she is far from perfect and i've been very lenient and understanding patient and forgiving with her for many years.

In my mind, the simplest compromise is you make decisions, she decides on whether to follow, and you let God deal with her if she refuses to follow your lead.

This was already being done e.g with wanting a child , her job and many other things if anything she's shown that allowing her to have the freedom to make her own decisions is a disaster because she has no idea what she's doing. (In the early days of our relationship and up until marriage she would joke because everytime she would claim to be right about something and i said she wasn't it would turn out she was wrong and after this happening many times she eventually stopped questioning my judgement and would say "hub knows best" and listen and i always made decisions in her best interest but when she started being rebellious and fighting me for control she started going against this even to her own destruction especially now more than ever)

The Proverbs 31 woman is praised as an example for women to follow, but it shows that doesn't mean that she lacks the ability to make decisions.

Agreed and she was allowed to make a lot of her own decisions it was only a few things that i refused to compromise on and i still hold those views e.g no male friends and your husband makes the final decision on important matters.

Yes, marriages are usually very difficult, especially the first year.  We both bring our sin into the marriage, and 2 becoming one flesh is difficult.  It can get a lot better.

I think this is something she failed to understand that when we got married vs when we actually started to finally live together are not the same i tried to explain to her that while we got married years ago we were apart for most of it which wasnt inside our control and now that we started to live together (10 months) those 10 months are the first year technically of our marriage. I explained to her that what we are going through with the struggles and learning about each other the pro's and con's even feeling like oh no what have i got myself into are all completely normal.

I've read and heard stories of plenty of women in there first year of marriage having regret and life crisis and or wanting to go back to there parents etc but the commitment you made to each other prevents that and in time is what allows you to accept and grow together. Once again its why i look down so poorly on people who abandon there marriages and divorce and no amount of debate will convince me that God's intention for marriage was divorce. (I think this is why BPD people have issues with long term stable relationships when they get to the point of difficult and having to overcome and grow they run and discard then repeat the cycle with another and what i was trying to do with my wife was help her understand she has an issue she's repeating a cycle and if she can identify it herself she can then be able to break it.)

Marriage is until death if you want out of it 1 of you have to die simple as that. If your situation is so hopeless that you have to leave then you remain separated and alone until you die or you return to your husband/wife. Anything outside of this re marriage / relationships etc are all adultery and constant sin and deserve death. This is Gods true teaching and meaning of marriage.

[Fian]

Moses permitted divorce not God

This is way wrong, and a big deal.  Either the book of Deuteronomy is the inspired word of God, or it is just a product of man, and can be disregarded.  If you can disregard the books that Moses wrote (first 5 books of the Bible), then you have eliminated the entire foundation of the Christian faith.  If you think parts are inspired, and parts are not, then you are putting yourself in the judgement seat and creating a faith distinct from the Bible.  Your wife could just as easily dismiss the writings of Paul (aka Ephesians and most of the New Testament) in the New Testament and say there is no reason to submit to your husband.

This applies to when a man marries a woman and is intimate with her he finds some uncleaness e.g she isn't a virgin that he may put her away or any other uncleaness based on KJV and Strong's H6172 definition.

Divorce is not adultery but remarrying and or sleeping with another person other than your wife or husband (first marriage) is adultery and the punishment for adultery was death. That is why in 1 Corinthians 7:11 it says if she departs let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife. It does not say let her go re marry because God allows it.

Even in the time of Jesus, there was a debate on whether there were limits on when a person could divorce, hence the reason why Jesus was asked if a husband could divorce his wife for any reason.

As for remarriage = adultery = death, you need to reread the Deuteronomy passage again.  First off, I get your logic.  Jesus said remarriage = adultery, OT Law had a death penalty for adultery, hence remarriage equals adultery equals death.  However, there are some issues with the logic.  First, Moses was the one who established a death penalty for adultery.  Was he correct about that, but incorrect about divorce?  By picking and choosing which passages that Moses wrote that you agree with, and others that you do not, you are on very shaky ground as I described above.  Second, it was Jesus that made the connection between divorce/remarriage equals adultery, 1400 years after Moses implemented the divorce and adultery laws.  Before then, no one considered remarriage as adultery, therefore no one was at risk of being executed for getting remarried.

[understandBPD]

Jesus that made the connection between divorce/remarriage equals adultery, 1400 years after Moses implemented the divorce and adultery laws.  Before then, no one considered remarriage as adultery, therefore no one was at risk of being executed for getting remarried.

Might of been a reason why he considered remarriage as adultery wouldn't be the first time people have drifted from the path of God and at 1 point he flooded the world to wipe away all of the corruption.

I don't really see the point in arguing about divorce here my interpretation of the verses in the bible clearly show Gods intention is not divorce he hates divorce and if you divorce and re marry its adultery and sin and therefore you should be stoned and i plan to stick with this interpretation because i believe that is what makes the most sense and is the best way for a marriage to thrive.

Giving people options to leave opens pandora's box and you will be hard pressed to not come across people who justify divorce for all kinds of reasons. The simple fact is i have not done anything to my wife that would justify a divorce under any circumstance. If that's the option she decides to inflict on me then God will deal with her accordingly.

We aren't going to agree on divorce being a good thing or permitted or that it was somehow Gods plan to allow it for society or whatever other reason your trying to justify it with.

So perhaps we skip this topic or agree to disagree.

[Skip]

...if you divorce and re marry its adultery and sin and therefore you should be stoned and i plan to stick with this interpretation..

The simple fact is i have not done anything to my wife that would justify a divorce under any circumstance...

If your wife wants a divorce after 1 year, the courts are going to grant it. And she is not going to be deterred by a fear of being stoned.

We're 100 posts into this discussion about "what you should do". Lots of ideas have been floated. You want your wife to move back home. She says you are dangerous and has cut all lines of communication for months. You are concerned about her filing for divorce when the 12 month cooling off period expires in a few months. You say you've changed.

Given all that has been said here, all that you have pondered and synthesized, what's your plan at this point?

[Fian]

Ok, I don't think you understand my position.  Here is my position:
1.  Divorce is bad, and I don't think your wife should divorce you.
2.  In God's eyes, remarriage is adultery and not what He wants a Christian to do.
3.  God did not want those that remarried in the Old Testament to be executed.  Otherwise there would be no point in establishing a divorce law with remarriage rules in the first place.

I agree, though, that all of the above is a side issue.  However, I was trying to help you understand something about how God deals with mankind.  Even though his plan was for mankind to marry once and stay married, He understood that holding society to that standard would be destructive.  He was flexible in how he dealt with humanity.  Sin is still sin, but he gave an outlet that would be less destructive to society.  In the same way, I am encouraging you to have flexibility with your wife when it comes to submission.  Even if it is not the ideal, it is better than what you have currently.  From there you can let God work in both your lives to lead you to the ideal.

[understandBPD]

what's your plan at this point?

Keep improving myself and reflecting on the marriage and understanding what went wrong and how things could be done differently in the future.

Wait for her parcel with the letter and gift for her birthday to be delivered should be within the next 2-3 days.

Transfer her some money before her birthday so she has enough to do something she enjoys or buy something nice for herself. Send her an email on her birthday wishing her best wishes telling her that i love her and hope she has a great day.

Organize flowers to be delivered on the day of her birthday.

Wait a week or so to see if there's any response or positive feedback and then contact her father asking if he would speak with her and to ask if he can try to mediate between me and her and see if we can resolve some of this conflict.

If all of that fails keep working on myself and give her space and not contact her for the forseeable future continue sending her financial support and pray that God will help us both through these difficulties and ultimately wait to see what she decides to do. (Perhaps my birthday in november i may hear from her as well)

If i've missed anything or should consider something else let me know.

In the same way, I am encouraging you to have flexibility with your wife when it comes to submission.  Even if it is not the ideal, it is better than what you have currently.  From there you can let God work in both your lives to lead you to the ideal.

I've continually said that i am willing to compromise and be flexible and agree with what you've said above the problem is she does not seem to care for any of this nor is willing to negotiate , communicate or do anything on her part whatsoever.

You seem to think i have this outrageous authoritarian view of submission if you provide me an example or scenarios and ask me how i would handle them i can tell you what or how i would and then you can perhaps point out what you may feel is wrong but if you ask me overall how i was with my wife.

I would say i was very fair and lenient with her and always tried to make decisions in her favor to see her happy and the only time i was not willing to budge was in regards to male friendships and even then she had male friends on her facebook not only did be flexible and allow her to continue using social media but i also ignored the fact she still had male friends on facebook as well which bothered me the entire time more so because i don't use social media nor do i maintain any female friendships other than my mother and direct family members.

I actually think she got too much freedom from me and she continually pushed the limits (why i mentioned the power struggle) in her country what she's doing would be unheard of there's no divorcing or ignoring your husband and she would be punished accordingly but with me she kept pushing to get her way and try to make me give in and it wasn't in a loving kind humble yourself serve your wife way it was in a malicious toxic destructive way and i believe God wanted me to reject that and so i did.

Sometimes you need to stand firm in what you believe and not cater to destruction i want my marriage to continue i do love my wife dearly but if she does not learn and continues her way of doing things she will lead a very sinful and destructive life with disappointment in the end. I will be heart broken and alone because i don't plan to remarry and we miss the opportunity to have a family overall extremely sad and heartbreaking but its really her decision and i don't really see how i can change that at this point other than speaking to the father and just being patient.

[Fian]

the only time i was not willing to budge was in regards to male friendships and even then she had male friends on her facebook not only did be flexible and allow her to continue using social media but i also ignored the fact she still had male friends on facebook as well which bothered me the entire time

Whether she has male online friends is her decision to make.  My wife had a similar issue with me (I described it in another post), and ultimately she left it up to God, and God dealt with me on it.

One thing about future plans, you left out that when you ask to speak with her, you ask for a conversation with her where you promise not to fight, i.e. a low conflict conversation.

[Fian]

Later on when she realized she wasn't able to get me to cave in to her demands she started to dislike it the more rebellious she became the more tough i would get and it was a constant powerstruggle

One thing that is confusing for me is you say you were flexible/willing to be flexible, yet quotes above suggest that you weren't, plus we can assume that she would say that you were not flexible.  I guess I need more details to understand the arguments that you had.  When you got tough, what did that mean?  I would like to challenge you to give details on when you were at your worst - don't worry if it makes you look bad to unknown strangers on the internet.  In what ways was she challenging your authority, that you felt that you could not let it go?

[Notwendy]

Sometimes you need to stand firm in what you believe and not cater to destruction i want my marriage to continue i do love my wife dearly but if she does not learn and continues her way of doing things she will lead a very sinful and destructive life with disappointment in the end. I will be heart broken and alone because i don't plan to remarry and we miss the opportunity to have a family overall extremely sad and heartbreaking but its really her decision and i don't really see how i can change that at this point other than speaking to the father and just being patient.

While you say you were flexible, she may have experienced the marriage differently than you did. We are also influenced by our families of origin and the role models we had growing up. I don't know if you had that role model or formulated it based on your ideals and beliefs. If she grew up with an abusive mother, but was close to her father, she didn't have that role model.

We don't know if your wife has BPD but you did mention she was abused. If someone has been abused as a child, they may be extra sensitive to any display of anger. So what seems like a normal argument to you may actually be frightening to her- even if you had no intention of that. Also, suggestions can also come across as criticism. I have a mother with BPD who feels invalidated at suggestions, even if the intent was to be helpful. I had to learn that my attempts to "help" felt hurtful to her and so they weren't welcome.

We bring our emotional responses into a marriage and we may have different emotional experiences. No two people are alike. You mentioned that your wife eventually got "tired of losing" during your discussions. Maybe she felt she had no choice but to give up after trying what she knew to do didn't work. You may have felt you were being lenient. She may have felt otherwise.

One impasse for the two of you is the request for the 30 minute phone call. She explained that speaking to you is stressful for her. Your experience is that you felt this was controlling the relationship and you'd be a doormat if you agreed. To take this out of the who is right or wrong context, you both had different feelings about this. Seems you both have convictions about this. There's no way to know what will proceed from here.

[understandBPD]

I don't know if you had that role model or formulated it based on your ideals and beliefs.

My father passed away when i was 9 which i would say had an impact on me for sure.

You mentioned that your wife eventually got "tired of losing" during your discussions. Maybe she felt she had no choice but to give up after trying what she knew to do didn't work.

My wife is very intelligent and she isn't used of being proven wrong and i would imagine from her past most males just agree with anything she says because shes attractive. When she met me i challenged her and proved i could match her or even go above her intellectually it was another reason she was attracted to me. In the beginning this was good because she slowly learned she can be wrong and that i am confident enough to stand my ground when i know she is wrong.

It only started to become a problem after we got married because she would say or do something and i would explain to her why its a bad idea or why she is wrong about it and she would get irritated. I am not talking about minor things that i correct her on e.g every day life things i am talking about more important life decisions.

When you got tough, what did that mean?  

It meant pointing out when she was behaving poorly e.g yelling / screaming / swearing / slamming a door in my face / locking herself in our bedroom / refusing to eat / sleeping & being in bed for days or treating me poorly / cold i would just say the way your acting is childish and im not going to play a part in it when you want to talk about this so we can figure out a solution let me know. I would then go do my own things whether it was playing a video game or going to the gym etc and she would get more angry at me.

To be very clear i have never been physical or put a finger on my wife i have never been violent or broken things etc and in all the years ive been with her i've raised my voice at her 1 time when she was being an absolute brat and challenging me that she could do whatever she wanted. Other than that our arguements were all very calm and civil and just emotional with her being upset mostly.

This is why she told her parents whenever she was upset or crying i would just leave her or i demanded she cook for me even when she was clearly crying and upset. The truth was everytime she was upset or crying i would go to her and try to comfort her and talk to her she would give me attitude or tell me to get out. When she was upset like this i didn't even ask her to do anything for me including cook i just ordered food. I told her father i have the messages of a lot of the times these events occured to backup what im saying is true.

In what ways was she challenging your authority, that you felt that you could not let it go?

The main 1 would be male friends and social media everything else she overall good with like the way she dressed her manners / politeness i don't have much to complain about it was mostly her naiveness towards males regardless if she says there friends i tried to get her to understand that she's attractive and a lot of these men would jump at the chance to be with her she was completely oblivious to this and in denial.

The other issues were more towards the end when i would ask her to listen to me on big decisions like the job or having children or the ways we could stop fighting i was of the belief that if a woman is submissive and has a meek and quiet spirit naturally that softens a mans heart towards her and he will treat her like a queen. But when your fighting for control and aren't submissive then you are challenging his authority and so he will respond in turn defending it.

I don't know how to word it properly but like for example pastor anderson gave an example about how his wife approaches him when she needs help. If she challenges his authority and tells him to do something as if shes in power e.g go change the childs diaper in a demanding way he would say hold on who do you think your speaking to like that im not going to do that im going to go to war with you build a bunker and get my machinegun out and fight you till the death. But if she approached him in a submissive feminine way and said would you please help me with changing the childs diaper im really tired or xx reason. He would help her instantly and ask if shes okay and does she need anything else done.

This is how i felt in our marriage except my wife came in demanding a lot of things or having big expectations like im obligated to do these things which im not. 1 example would be she kept pushing to get this job i explained why i didn't want her to do it some of the reasons were for tax purposes , travelling time and cost and that she's already struggling and this will make things worse in the long run and that she had agreed she wouldn't work when we were together.

After she got the job she was exhausted from the travelling complained about public transport and kept asking me to take her to work and pick her up from work. I did this quite a few times because i know shes new here but after it became an expectation and if i said no she would treat me poorly or be angry or not be as loving towards me for days i got over it and told her im not your taxi driver i explained why i didn't want you to get this job now what i said is happening is happening and i am not responsible for you making your own mistakes when i've given you advice and you've chosen to go against it.

These types of scenarios or her way she would try to get things is what i mean by the rebellious behaviour and it makes me want to fight till the death to maintain my authority over her if she was the way she says she wants to be and she would learn to be more feminine as she was when we first met and all the way up to when we got married then i would of done anything for her i would of washed her feet i would of laid across a pool of mud so she could walk ontop and get across i would give my life for her regardless.

So when i tried to explain this to her at first she agreed and she would be submissive and i would love her so much and do anything for her and she would be happy. But then it was like a demon would posess her and her behaviour would change or she was fighting some kind of internal battle and she would become disobedient and challenge me and as i said anytime you challenge me im fighting you till the death and your going to lose and so that would upset her more.

Whether she has male online friends is her decision to make.

That's where we disagree its not her decision its my decision and she did it knowing it bothered me but would be so insecure and accuse me of cheating or looking at a woman when in reality i didn't associate with females at all.

The facebook thing i was lenient with and let it go this is what i meant by being flexible but if this was a male friend that she knew in person which it wasnt i wouldn't of been flexible at all that's a non negotiable for me if you want male friends and your going to meet them while your married then you can divorce me and don't let the door hit you on the way out and i wouldn't care.

Towards the end she was getting worse like she was trying to make some new friends (she didn't like any of my friends basically had me cut them off or spoke poorly about them told me that she believed 1 of my friends wives liked me as well so i don't have many friends anymore and have been isolated since all of this happened)

When she was trying to make new friends she wanted to go out with 2 girls but they also had boyfriends or male friends and she asked if she could go i wanted to say no but again i tried to be lenient and flexible and compromise i understood she needs to try to make some friends cause she's alone here without family or friends so i said it was okay.

I've made many compromises for her and been very fair all my decisions ive ever made in regards to her have been in her best interest and to try to ensure she's happy even if its sometimes at the expense of myself this is why i feel so strongly that i haven't been unfair or some authoritarian dictator. (Ontop of this most of the times i've made a decision she didn't like she would come back later on and thank me for the decision i made and said i was right this happened 95% of the time it would be very rare that a decision i made wasn't the right 1 for her and i believe this to be true even up till now)

One thing about future plans, you left out that when you ask to speak with her, you ask for a conversation with her where you promise not to fight, i.e. a low conflict conversation.

Ok i will add that as well

[Notwendy]

I said anytime you challenge me I'm fighting you till the death and your going to lose and so that would upset her more.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Surely that has been difficult.

Although you haven't harmed her physically, and you don't mean this literally, it still has an emotionally violent tone to it. Concerning the example from Pastor Anderson, to fight to the death because a tired wife didn't ask for help with the baby reveals the priority here and that is submission.

You did make some concessions to your wife, but there's a difference between conceding and allowing something, and supporting something because it is meaningful to your wife. It's clear that these concessions were not what you wanted to do and it diminished her in your eyes and I think she could sense that. Neither of you were happy about this.

To you, you believe you were lenient. We don't know how she experienced this power struggle but the result is that she couldn't stay with it.

[Skip]



...it makes me want to fight till the death to maintain my authority over her...

Are you referring to the near death of the marriage? Is that how far the fighting for control went?

pastor anderson gave an example about how his wife approaches him when she needs help. If she challenges his authority and tells him to do something as if shes in power e.g go change the childs diaper in a demanding way he would say hold on who do you think your speaking to like that im not going to do that im going to go to war with you build a bunker and get my machinegun out and fight you till the death.

Let me not question Pastor Anderson's beliefs. Or yours. They have been made clear.

Let me ask if you believe Anderson is infallible? Do you believe he is a Biblical scholar? Do you believe he is the ultimate authority on the Bible?

I only ask this because you are putting your life and the life of your marriage on the line based, in part, on this one interpretation of Ephesians 5. Wouldn'y a second opinion (not from us   ) be prudent? It costs you nothing.

One thing that has been helpful for me is to study the Bible under multiple mentors. I've belonged to different churches, different denominations. I attended Temple for a period of time. I always read the Bible with a study guide and I have used different study guides each year. I studied theology at the university (it wasn't my major). Every year I am humbled by how little I know, and amazed at what I learned that year. I am certainly not the person to tell anyone what the Bible says. I do have some observations that I would ponder if I was in your situation.

The  term "authority" or a similar term is not in Ephesians 5 as far as I know. And, yes, Ephesians 5:24 says "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.", but the preceding verse (5:24) says"Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God." Is it possible that "submit" does not mean "be under the absolute authority of"?

I'm not asking you to agree. Just questioning if there is even a remote possibility that Paul was not suggesting authority? There is a copy of Ephesians 5 below for anyone reading.

The same about Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for. Is it possible "loving like Christ"  is meant to mean being a servant leader, as Jesus was? Is it possible "loving like Christ" doesn't have a hierarchical or  authoritarian connotation.

Again, I'm not asking you to agree. Remote possibility? Maybe?

And what was the message in John 8:7? Jesus defended an adulteress against those who would stone her to death, saying “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” She wasn't stoned. What was the message to the adulterer? What was the message to the men who were going to stone her? What it the message to you?

Anderson is an interesting guy. At 32 he split off from the Baptist Convention and formed the New Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Movement (NIFB) and recruited some 30 small churches to be in it. By 2019, amid infighting about doctrine, money, ethics, some churches opted out, there was some accusatory youtube videos, the NIFB website came down, and Anderson himself said there there is no NIFB, "its just a colloquial term that we’re using just to kind of talk about pastors that we like, pastors that we’re friends with".

My point being that even these 30 like-minded pastors, couldn't agree on doctrine to such a degree that it toppled Anderson's NIFB 5 years. I say this not to dishonor Anderson, but to say that there is value in having a broad base of mentors.

Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;

2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.

3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;

4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.

5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

6 Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience.

7 Be not ye therefore partakers with them.

8 For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:

9 (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;)

10 Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord.

11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.

13 But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light.

14 Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.

15 See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,

16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

17 Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

19 Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

20 Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

King James Version (KJV)

[understandBPD]

Are you referring to the near death of the marriage? Is that how far the fighting for control went?

No , More of a figure of speech

Let me ask if you believe Anderson is infallible?

No

Do you believe he is a Biblical scholar?

I believe he is on the right path and has the correct interpretations in most cases.

Do you believe he is the ultimate authority on the Bible?

No

I only ask this because you are putting your life and the life of your marriage on the line based, in part, on this one interpretation of Ephesians 5. Wouldn'y a second opinion (not from us  Being cool (click to insert in post) ) be prudent? It costs you nothing.

I didn't base my interpretations or beliefs from pastor anderson i based them from my own and what i want in a marriage it was the foundation of what drawed me towards my wife it was what she also wanted there was no misunderstandings or suprises she would even give me scenarios and ask how i would handle them she never took issue with my beliefs , interpretations or what i expected from my wife.

I wasn't even aware of who pastor anderson was until my wife asked me to watch sermons from him and usually i wouldn't watch sermons because i disagree with a lot of them and consider them weak watered down versions of christianity that cater for people in 2023 for popularity and will never say anything to go against the norms.

So trying to imply im being influenced/mislead by anderson is probably the wrong way to look at this because first i had these beliefs myself and he just reinforced they are correct but secondly it was my wife who agreed with his teachings and asked me to watch them to learn. When she looked for a church in the area i live she tried to find a church as close to pastor andersons ministry as possible and she actually did.

The pastor from that church was also in agreement with me and thinks she has no reason biblically for divorce and even went as far as to say i shouldn't of even let her return to her parents.

Is it possible that "submit" does not mean "be under the absolute authority of"?

The wife is to submit to the husband in everything unless he is asking her to commit an obvious sin. There isn't any need for word games the bible is very clear the greek word for Subject which is what the KJV uses in Ephesians 5:24 is ( Strong's G5293 - hypotassō) the meaning is clear

The church is subject to Christ as the wife is subject to her husband i don't think anyone is going to argue that the church isn't under absolute authority of Christ (God) ? So then you shouldn't try to argue against Gods word for a wife being subject to her Husband in everything other than avoiding Sin.

Is it possible "loving like Christ"  is meant to mean being a servant leader, as Jesus was? Is it possible "loving like Christ" doesn't have a hierarchical or  authoritarian connotation.

Yes and i agree with this interpretation but i believe this is only the case when the wife is also in subjection to Christ and you could be a servant leader but if your wife is mislead or has evil intentions or is doing things counter to Gods word then being a servant leader would destroy you.

People seem to have a view that Jesus was a weak person who never fought against anything and was basically a doormat this isn't the case he knew when to be firm and to not be like this and there's examples of this trait within the bible.

If my wife honored her vowels and what she portrayed and promised when we first met and also married then i would be able to be a servant leader this wasn't possible because there was a constant power struggle that i wouldn't let her win. She opted to blow up the marriage because she couldn't gain control she is not a victim like people seem to keep implying. She caused problems and was not perfect and i was also not perfect there is no "victim" here.

And what was the message in John 8:7

That the pharisee were trying to tempt / trick Jesus into giving a command against what God and Moses taught which he didn't he didn't say she shouldn't be stoned he said let the man without sin throw the first stone and put the accountability on each of them and none of them decided to stone her. I wonder if the person who was the victim of there partners adultery were there if it would be a different outcome i would imagine it would be.

My point being that even these 30 like minded pastors, couldn't agree on doctrine.

He is controversial and says things most are too scared to say in todays society he preaches what i believe is the real interpretation of the bible. I haven't seen every single sermon nor do i know everything about the man but from what i have seen and heard and my wife as well we agreed mostly with his message and interpretations.

If this was something i introduced to myself or into our marriage i could see the arguement for saying its extreme or not my wife's version however this is easily disproven when she was the 1 introducing him to me and in full agreement of his teachings especially around marriage (which were a lot of the sermons she asked me to watch or we watched together)

He even had a sermon about wives being disobedient and difficult and wanting to run back to there parents cause they all of sudden don't want to submit anymore and said too bad and when my wife heard this laughed a little and i said does that remind you of anyone and she's like yeah and he's right. She then said you do really know best just sometimes im fighting something inside that tells me to do the opposite.

The transformed wife which again was her role model not mine which she introduced me to is all about a woman  learning to tame that fire/fight inside her and humble herself and submit to her husband by doing this it allows the man to stop fighting for control and to start to really love her.

There's so many stories / testimonies of my exact situation of a wife fighting constantly and then either going down the path of destruction and divorce ruining her life and living in sin or the other where they finally surrendered and left it in Gods hands and there testimonies of what happen after and how amazing there marriage and life became and how much there husbands changed and became soft and loving towards them.

This is what i believe is my situation and what i am certain needs to happen i can make all the changes take all the blame be a door mat do everything this forum is telling me and ignore all of my own beliefs / instincts and i trully believe it won't make any difference if anything it will make her move on faster seeing me as weak doormat who will do anything to keep her (Something she has directly said she didn't like and didn't like men who just cave in to women).

All i can do is try to learn here and be better within reason and tell her how it is and what needs to happen i am open to flexibility and compromise but until she learns to tame that demon she's fighting and hear Gods word and submit herself to God and learn to have a meek and quiet spirit not be a quarrelsome contentious rebellious wife then i don't really see how this is going to turn into a positive situation.

She has the books and information and testimonies which i provided its up to her to read and learn to do her part just like its my responsibility to do my part to refine and learn how to be a better husband which i admit i must do.

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...it makes me want to fight till the death to maintain my authority over her...

Are you referring to the near death of the marriage? Is that how far the fighting for control went?

No , More of a figure of speech

Or maybe it is literally an explanation for what is happening. That is for you to decide.

This video was put out by Pastor Anderson. He apparently is proud of this day. I assume as a model of strength and conviction.

I think many (but not all) would say that this style is the opposite of the "Emotional Intelligence" you seek.


Date: Jun-2018Minutes: 6:11
Pastor Steven Anderson

Is it possible "loving like Christ" doesn't have a hierarchical or  authoritarian connotation.

Yes and i agree with this interpretation but i believe this is only the case when the wife is also in subjection to Christ and you could be a servant leader but if your wife is mislead or has evil intentions or is doing things counter to Gods word then being a servant leader would destroy you.

Is your wife mislead and evil? Is that your concern? In this context, is it possible that her leaving was inevitable?

[Fian]

Thank you for sharing in more detail your marital issues.

My wife is very intelligent and she isn't used of being proven wrong and i would imagine from her past most males just agree with anything she says because shes attractive. When she met me i challenged her and proved i could match her or even go above her intellectually it was another reason she was attracted to me. In the beginning this was good because she slowly learned she can be wrong and that i am confident enough to stand my ground when i know she is wrong.

It only started to become a problem after we got married because she would say or do something and i would explain to her why its a bad idea or why she is wrong about it and she would get irritated. I am not talking about minor things that i correct her on e.g every day life things i am talking about more important life decisions.

Excerpt
When you got tough, what did that mean?  

It meant pointing out when she was behaving poorly e.g yelling / screaming / swearing / slamming a door in my face / locking herself in our bedroom / refusing to eat / sleeping & being in bed for days or treating me poorly / cold i would just say the way your acting is childish and im not going to play a part in it when you want to talk about this so we can figure out a solution let me know.

A few thoughts on this.  I have also argued with you and found you to be rather closed.  Even when you are clearly wrong, you dig in your heels.  I suspect that your wife has the same issue with you, and she did ask you to read the Bible more (btw, a couple of verses a day is not enough.  The goal is to read the entire Bible which takes 3 years if reading a chapter a day).  If she felt that she could not reason with you and that you had ultimate authority, that would be incredibly frustrating for her.

Some of the behaviors you described above do sound quite bad.  The cold shoulder thing is pretty normal.  My wife would be cold towards me on average for 3 days after a fight.  I just learned to wait it out.  For the other items, I am curious to know what the BPD experts on this forum would recommend.  I don't think calling a person childish is helpful, though.

Excerpt
Whether she has male online friends is her decision to make.

That's where we disagree its not her decision its my decision and she did it knowing it bothered me but would be so insecure and accuse me of cheating or looking at a woman when in reality i didn't associate with females at all.

The facebook thing i was lenient with and let it go this is what i meant by being flexible but if this was a male friend that she knew in person which it wasnt i wouldn't of been flexible at all that's a non negotiable for me if you want male friends and your going to meet them while your married then you can divorce me and don't let the door hit you on the way out and i wouldn't care.

And if you divorce her, she still has her online friends.  It is truly her decision.  As the leader you set the direction you want her to go, but she will make a choice on whether to follow it or not.  My personal advice here is to make it clear that this really bothers you (which you have done), and then leave it up to God.  Fighting about it constantly only served to increase the stress in the relationship, and did not get her to give up her online friends.

Towards the end she was getting worse like she was trying to make some new friends (she didn't like any of my friends basically had me cut them off or spoke poorly about them told me that she believed 1 of my friends wives liked me as well so i don't have many friends anymore and have been isolated since all of this happened)

This does sound like typical BPD behavior - isolation of the non from family and friends.

After she got the job she was exhausted from the travelling complained about public transport and kept asking me to take her to work and pick her up from work. I did this quite a few times because i know shes new here but after it became an expectation and if i said no she would treat me poorly or be angry or not be as loving towards me for days i got over it and told her im not your taxi driver i explained why i didn't want you to get this job now what i said is happening is happening and i am not responsible for you making your own mistakes when i've given you advice and you've chosen to go against it.

I can see how this could be difficult for both sides.  One solution may have been to teach her how to drive and get her a car.  Saying, "I am not your taxi driver" was not helpful.  Sort of like Cain saying to God, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

So when i tried to explain this to her at first she agreed and she would be submissive and i would love her so much and do anything for her and she would be happy. But then it was like a demon would posess her and her behaviour would change or she was fighting some kind of internal battle and she would become disobedient and challenge me and as i said anytime you challenge me im fighting you till the death and your going to lose and so that would upset her more.

I do understand, resisting an order from your wife.  I would too.  However, I think you need to guide her in more positive ways of asking you for things and disagreeing with you.  It is possible to disagree with you, but not challenge your authority.

[understandBPD]

I think many (but not all) would say that this style is the opposite of the "Emotional Intelligence" you seek.

Considering as i mentioned i wasn't aware of who pastor anderson was until my wife introduced his sermons i would imagine that she's aware of his teachings surrounding marriage and agreed with them if she asked me to watch them.

So posting things about him because you personally don't like him or blaming that on my situation is pretty poor taste.

I'm not here to argue about your beliefs i don't really care what you believe or what you think of pastor anderson and as mentioned i don't even care that much for pastor anderson myself he was only mentioned because i agree with his view of marriage and submission which aligned with my wife and my own views. You don't need to share those same views but i also don't have to be a doormat under the guise of being a good husband or claiming its what Christ taught or that its the opposite of emotional intelligence to want my wife to be submissive.

This is a BPD forum for people to try to reconcile relationships with someone who has BPD.

Is your wife mislead and evil? Is that your concern? In this context, is it possible that her leaving was inevitable?

Considering she's told me in her past she's messed with witchcraft and demons and then actively told me she was fighting a demon inside then made comments about fighting something inside her amongst all the other issues. The pastor told me if she's saved she can't be posessed (she is saved) but her behaviour and attitude changed so much since i met her and throughout the relationship i noticed different personalities or attitudes sometimes she was so caring and loving other times i could kind of feel a evil destructive energy. (This is why originally i thought she had Dissassociative Identity Disorder with multiple personalities given roles and splitting when something triggers it and have a "protector" personality take over which is cold / lacks empathy and blocks out the person they deem trigger aka me at moment)

I don't believe my wife is evil but i believe she is very mislead and lost and making a very serious and damaging mistake. Yes it is possible this might of been inevitable it could be God protecting me from something that's why i made the comment i don't blame God for what is happening he put us together and blessed us and he decides what ultimately happens. But i want to believe my wife can be saved from making this mistake of divorce and she can learn where she's also gone wrong and then we can come back together and put what we've learned into practice.

All of th is is concerning to me and worries me greatly.

I don't think calling a person childish is helpful, though.

Agreed however at the time i was unaware she might of had BPD and assumed it was because she was young and being immature. After spending more time learning about BPD and also reading about validation i can understand how saying to someone even if they haven't got BPD that there immature , childish or acting like they are posessed by a demon isn't counter productive and not helpful at all.

 My personal advice here is to make it clear that this really bothers you (which you have done), and then leave it up to God.  Fighting about it constantly only served to increase the stress in the relationship, and did not get her to give up her online friends.

We didn't fight about it and i made it clear i didn't like it. Its not that she didn't give up her online friends its i allowed it to continue i could of made her delete her social media if i wanted i opted to be compromising and let her keep social media since she was in a new country with no friends here. That was my decision and left the rest to God.

This does sound like typical BPD behavior - isolation of the non from family and friends.

Well she did a good job at that because i have nobody other than my mother and almost fell into a dark pit of self blame and thinking i was solely responsible for everything and she was flawless but im wide awake to the reality that isn't the case.

I can see how this could be difficult for both sides.  One solution may have been to teach her how to drive and get her a car.  Saying, "I am not your taxi driver" was not helpful.  Sort of like Cain saying to God, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

The first thing i did when she was here was help her get her learner license i had been teaching her to drive for months and she was almost ready to go for her practical test.

I said i wasn't her taxi driver because she would treat me poorly for not wanting to take her like i was obligated to and i wasn't having any part of that. She made a poor decision that went against my advice and she deserves the consequences of that poor decision so in future she learns why she should listen to her husband and that i don't make decisions or advise her for the fun of it without any legitimate reasoning. I do agree it wasn't helpful and there would be more productive ways to address the situation however this was a build up of irritation from her constant draining behaviour.

I do understand, resisting an order from your wife.  I would too.  However, I think you need to guide her in more positive ways of asking you for things and disagreeing with you.  It is possible to disagree with you, but not challenge your authority.

I sat down with her for about 5 hours one day and explained to her what i meant by challenging my authority how it makes me feel and react and why its counter productive she agreed that she shouldn't do this and actually was really good afterwards. In return it made it so easy for me to lovingly want to do anything for her and never felt like she's taking advantage of me or has control in a malicious way.

You need to understand her behaviour was bad she constantly had nightmares said the room we sleep in had a demon or ghost and was depressed and unmotivated. She constantly put me down and accused me of cheating and doing all kinds of untrue things and it was like because she was miserable i deserved to be blamed for everything. It felt like no matter how much i tried to do things differently or be better it was never good enough.

Some days she would be fine and completely normal and loving the next day she'd be the complete opposite the next she would be crying all over the place and telling me she's thinking of suicide. Then she thought it was her hormones and asked me to pay $2000 for a lady who was experienced with hormone issues which i did. From when i first met her she had issues with depression , panic attacks , she was underweight and other issues and i worked through all of them with her and helped her become a healthy weight and worked through her other health issues.

I did everything in my power to help her and make her life better i provided for her before we even got married and travelled to her country when we were stuck about 6 times which was expensive i've put my entire being and soul into her and this marriage and when i finally was tired and depressed myself and struggling she left me here to suffer alone going through other issues outside the relationship alone.

This isn't how you love someone its not how you show loyalty or uphold your vowels and then when i seek help or advice it seems like im the person to be blamed its all my fault its all my beliefs and opinions etc but the 2 most crazy things are

1.I had all of these beliefs before during and after marriage they never changed and she loved me and married me in agreement to them.

2.She has a history of all of these issues and running away from her problems and discarding , depression etc etc all before she ever met me during and after yet somehow this is my fault and she left because of all my problems.

It's just very unmotivating reading some of these comments i came here trying to improve myself get help and motivation and find some hope that despite having BPD i could work through things and have a fullfilling marriage with someone i love dearly and right now im feeling like its already done and dusted everythings my fault "again" and she isn't coming back.

[Fian]

Thank you for answering all of my questions.  I can see that you have tried to be more flexible than I initially thought from your original comments.  When it comes to how to deal with BPD crazy, I will have to defer to others on this board that have much more knowledge on the subject than myself.

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To stay on point.

he was only mentioned because i agree with his view of marriage and submission

If I read this correctly (see below), you mentioned him specifically because you also agree with his style.

pastor anderson gave an example about how his wife approaches him when she needs help. If she challenges his authority and tells him to do something as if shes in power e.g go change the childs diaper in a demanding way he would say hold on who do you think your speaking to like that im not going to do that im going to go to war with you build a bunker and get my machinegun out and fight you till the death.

My point (so it doesn't get lost) is that fighting to the death means that there is a casualty. Clearly there is a casualty in the video. And others are warned that that they will be a casualty (fired, kicked out, etc.) if they question this leaders authority. And he is aggressive and threatening his wrath to a room full of people who most likely agree with his belief (e.g., the Trinity).

Most Christians believe in the Trinity, so, let's accept this video as example style (not beliefs).

I think many (but not all) would say that this style is the opposite of "Emotional Intelligence" you seek.

"Emotional Intelligence" is about empathy, effective communication/social skills, self-awareness, self-regulation, and motivation.

In the video example, its pretty clear that Pastor Anderson fears dissent in his ranks, and is using strong-arm tactics to curb dissent with control. He has poor self-awareness and self-regulation. You assumed I dislike him, not because I said that (I didn't), but because you see his behavior in a negative way and assumed it.

Everybody does.

There are elements of Pastor Anderson's reaction in your relationship, too. Not the same, but at the core, similar.

Why does any of this matter?

You can see it in Anderson (its very clear), but if you can't see it in yourself or can't let it go, you have little chance of improving your marriage. And after all, that's why you are posting here.

I know you've said many times, she has an iron clad obligation to you (which she renounced), you say there is nothing you can do about it (but you have been contacting here every week for the last six months), and you expect her to fix this (which there is no indication that is on her radar). In my years here, I have never seen the dynamic you are advocating be successful - the partner shutting down and moving out for an extended period over a disagreement(s) and our member doubling down on their side of the conflict(s) and the partner dropping their position and adopting the position of our member.

Food for thought.

[Gravity Man]

I will try to post more later, but a few thoughts for you.

1.  Go to Quora and read everything posted by a Wendell H. Biggins.  Some of the most helpful stuff out there in my opinion.
2.  You do not seem to be able to wrap your head around the idea that your wife sent you this book and you want to follow it - but now she apparently does not want to follow what she was recommending you do.  To me, this is hallmark BPD behavior.  Happens all the time with me.  I could give many examples.  I will give one.  If my wife knows about anyone with marriage troubles, the first thing she would say is that they should go to marriage counseling.  However, she tells me how horrible I am and our marriage, but when I suggest marriage counseling she refuses to go.