her life is a total train wreck now ... need help to not reach out to help her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I met "S " over a decade ago, when she was doing a software development internship at my company.    We quickly fell into a sloppy,  age-inappropriate, "situationship" lasting 1.5 years until she graduated from a top school in my state.  I had never heard of BPD until we were one year in.   All along, S would jump from one boyfriend to another.   By the time S graduated, it was much more parental, than romantic, by the end I was basically a mentor and an older friend.   It officially ended after S left college ... we went NC  ... I went on to meet the woman who is now my wife.   One year later S contacted me - I was delighted as I was always fond of her, like most of my good friends, S was just another one of life's "little weirdos".  In her case she wsa more than just a "little bit" weird, she was a troubled victim of a traumatic abusive childhood, who managed to graduate from a top tier University in Computer Science.   She also suffered from BPD.    I tried helping her out where I could, never really saw her, but with job leads, recommendation letters, helped her get to conferences ... all above board, mentorship type of help.   My wife was okay with it, she knew the backstory and as a recent father and homeowner now, there was 0 % chance that I would do anything that could risk damaging my marriage, etc.   It was though, a rather unique relationship in my life - weird in that we never really would get together, or relationship was through email, text, social media, maybe a phone call sometimes.   I think we both felt if would be somewhat awkward getting together, and that was fine with me

Anyway, over the years, I was in touch less and less with S.   I kept up with her from afar, social media is good that way.   Finally my only contact with her was a yearly birthday greeting, after which we would exchange a few messages and she updated me on her life.   It seemed every year she had a total "Fresh Start", new job, new living situation, new boyfriend obviously.   They always seemed to be the same "type" - somewhat blue collar - no higher education - always his family seemed to be delighted that he had "found" a well education, seemingly normal girl that could maybe help him "grow up" ... this was the story over and over and over - repeated yearly it seemed -- almost like clockwork.   It amazed me that a person could go through so many Fresh Starts and just leave their old lives behind, often in a big mess.    Usually the first thing she would do was change her hairstyle.   Every year, she would send me a current photo, I couldn't believe how she would look totally different.   And how none of her jobs had anything to do with her technical expertise.    She was a classic under achiever.

Anyway, three years ago S stopped the yearly check in around her birthday.   A google search quickly returned news that she had been arrested for a DUI, went on probation which she then violated, arrested for a 2nd DUI and was awaiting sentencing.
I just today watched her court hearing live on ZOOM - she just looked so awful, so sad, so broken.   It was devastating to see her.   I really want to resist the urge to somehow help her - I think I could - at a minimum I could try to arrange that the news articles naming her could be removed.   They are simply "name and shame" type listings in a small local publication that nobody cares about - but the damage done to a person's life by even one such listing is permanent.   I dont know if I should go there or not - I'm quite torn

[shmubare]

I met "S " over a decade ago, when she was doing a software development internship at my company.    We quickly fell into a sloppy,  age-inappropriate, "situationship" lasting 1.5 years until she graduated from a top school in my state.  I had never heard of BPD until we were one year in.   All along, S would jump from one boyfriend to another.   By the time S graduated, it was much more parental, than romantic, by the end I was basically a mentor and an older friend.   It officially ended after S left college ... we went NC  ... I went on to meet the woman who is now my wife.   One year later S contacted me - I was delighted as I was always fond of her, like most of my good friends, S was just another one of life's "little weirdos".  In her case she wsa more than just a "little bit" weird, she was a troubled victim of a traumatic abusive childhood, who managed to graduate from a top tier University in Computer Science.   She also suffered from BPD.    I tried helping her out where I could, never really saw her, but with job leads, recommendation letters, helped her get to conferences ... all above board, mentorship type of help.   My wife was okay with it, she knew the backstory and as a recent father and homeowner now, there was 0 % chance that I would do anything that could risk damaging my marriage, etc.   It was though, a rather unique relationship in my life - weird in that we never really would get together, or relationship was through email, text, social media, maybe a phone call sometimes.   I think we both felt if would be somewhat awkward getting together, and that was fine with me

Anyway, over the years, I was in touch less and less with S.   I kept up with her from afar, social media is good that way.   Finally my only contact with her was a yearly birthday greeting, after which we would exchange a few messages and she updated me on her life.   It seemed every year she had a total "Fresh Start", new job, new living situation, new boyfriend obviously.   They always seemed to be the same "type" - somewhat blue collar - no higher education - always his family seemed to be delighted that he had "found" a well education, seemingly normal girl that could maybe help him "grow up" ... this was the story over and over and over - repeated yearly it seemed -- almost like clockwork.   It amazed me that a person could go through so many Fresh Starts and just leave their old lives behind, often in a big mess.    Usually the first thing she would do was change her hairstyle.   Every year, she would send me a current photo, I couldn't believe how she would look totally different.   And how none of her jobs had anything to do with her technical expertise.    She was a classic under achiever.

Anyway, three years ago S stopped the yearly check in around her birthday.   A google search quickly returned news that she had been arrested for a DUI, went on probation which she then violated, arrested for a 2nd DUI and was awaiting sentencing.
I just today watched her court hearing live on ZOOM - she just looked so awful, so sad, so broken.   It was devastating to see her.   I really want to resist the urge to somehow help her - I think I could - at a minimum I could try to arrange that the news articles naming her could be removed.   They are simply "name and shame" type listings in a small local publication that nobody cares about - but the damage done to a person's life by even one such listing is permanent.   I dont know if I should go there or not - I'm quite torn

[SinisterComplex]

Quite simply it is not your business or responsibility. Reaching out and trying to help is you overstepping boundaries. Leave well enough alone. Not your place. Feel your feelings but do not act upon them. She has to take care of her own life. You are not a hero or savior and you will not make a difference and instead what you would be doing is enabling.

Let her fall...there is no other way for her to learn. Focus on YOU and yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Hey there my friend and welcome.

Yes - it is really, really hard to watch. And I fully support SC.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[shmubare]

Quite simply it is not your business or responsibility. Reaching out and trying to help is you overstepping boundaries.

It's "not my place" because a friend shouldn't help a friend who needs help?    Or is it because she's BPD impaired and that helping people with BPD is not actually helping them ... so we should not help ... that only the individual themself can decide if they want to do the actual work to change the inevitable outcomes of the horrible choices they make over and over?    So like in her experience, it's not HER who is messing up over and over ... it's always THE OTHER?   If that's the case, they why is shame such a huge part of their experience.    If it's not their fault, and they are just the victim over and over, why is there shame attached?   All I know is that for sure, S somehow managed to find a new way to hurt herself here -  found much more painful instruments than the crude ways she used to harm herself in middle school.   So is there a part of her that enjoys the pain and shame caused by the court's rulings here?   I mean, she managed to mess up her life BIGTIME here - surely she won't be able to find a decent job, she can't drive a car, she doesn't have the money to pay the fines, and she's looking at mandatory rehab AND jail time.   I'm like so sick over it, this is a person who spent six years trying to better herself in college, overcoming a lot obstacles, putting herself in massive student loan debt - I was so proud of her when she graduated - so willing to help her however I could professionaly.   So obviously she choose that time, to seriously piss me off and make it impossible for me to do anything but go NC.    It's like the tragedy bus that won't stop until it finally goes off a cliff.   

So did she ruin her life of purpose here, just like she used to cut herself as a pre teen?   Is that the way it works?   So if I help her out somehow, that will only serve to delay her from hitting absolute rock bottom?   Actually I was thinking of helping her anonomously, actually .. so she'll never know .. but you are saying that's a horrible idea as well?   I just feel so much pain for her right now ... nobody deserves this

[GlennT]

Your "friend", after all that education and support from you, has never accepted she had a problem. Classic repeater BPD.  She has hurt others, maybe severely, in her relationships. The court is trying to prevent her from maybe killing someone on the road, because there may be more DUI'S in her future. Unacceptable behavior, unaccountable behavior, with another new hair style too. What would your wife think about you helping her? I think she would tell you that you have done enough for her. Most of us here were caregivers, we cleaned up, and repeatedly got our asses handed to us for it. The best thing we can do is step away and let others more qualified step in to help them.

[SinisterComplex]

Quite simply it is not your business or responsibility. Reaching out and trying to help is you overstepping boundaries.

It's "not my place" because a friend shouldn't help a friend who needs help?    Or is it because she's BPD impaired and that helping people with BPD is not actually helping them ... so we should not help ... that only the individual themself can decide if they want to do the actual work to change the inevitable outcomes of the horrible choices they make over and over?    So like in her experience, it's not HER who is messing up over and over ... it's always THE OTHER?   If that's the case, they why is shame such a huge part of their experience.    If it's not their fault, and they are just the victim over and over, why is there shame attached?   All I know is that for sure, S somehow managed to find a new way to hurt herself here -  found much more painful instruments than the crude ways she used to harm herself in middle school.   So is there a part of her that enjoys the pain and shame caused by the court's rulings here?   I mean, she managed to mess up her life BIGTIME here - surely she won't be able to find a decent job, she can't drive a car, she doesn't have the money to pay the fines, and she's looking at mandatory rehab AND jail time.   I'm like so sick over it, this is a person who spent six years trying to better herself in college, overcoming a lot obstacles, putting herself in massive student loan debt - I was so proud of her when she graduated - so willing to help her however I could professionaly.   So obviously she choose that time, to seriously piss me off and make it impossible for me to do anything but go NC.    It's like the tragedy bus that won't stop until it finally goes off a cliff.  

So did she ruin her life of purpose here, just like she used to cut herself as a pre teen?   Is that the way it works?   So if I help her out somehow, that will only serve to delay her from hitting absolute rock bottom?   Actually I was thinking of helping her anonomously, actually .. so she'll never know .. but you are saying that's a horrible idea as well?   I just feel so much pain for her right now ... nobody deserves this

You answered your own question to me. You put it together pretty well. All we can do is speculate. The research into BPD is still evolving. There are no complete one size fits all answers and very few absolutes. Furthermore, there could be other disorders at play or there could be a physical neurological defect, etc. You come from a great place and obviously have a big heart. Here is the harsh reality to that though...BPD sufferers have a tendency to punish those types more. Why? Because they feel so undeserving of love and that your kindness cannot be real. So they will perpetually up the ante to find out how much good you will show them until you ultimately and inevitably leave them. They do it on purpose to prove their point to themselves. Is it fair? Hell no. Does anyone deserve this kind of suffering...of course not my friend. The bottom line is that it sucks and it is a complete and utter clusterF !

Moreover...you helping sends the message that there are no consequences for her S behavior and piss poor bad decisions. Unfortunately, in that scenario tough love has to be shown otherwise no growth will ever occur and the same destructive patterns will replay on a continuous loop. All you can do is care from afar and hope for the best. You have to protect yourself and your own.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

The best thing we can do is step away and let others more qualified step in to help them.

This right here.  The most important qualification to be a "helper" is to be invited.  The 2nd most important qualification is to understand if we can help safely. Most times, I would say - when we are emotionally tied to the situation, we are ill placed to evaluate our "qualifications".

You've done your part. Make room for the next person to do theirs - starting with her.

Rev

[drained1996]

Simple answer, you cannot fix her.  Period…meaning this should be your end.  Focus on you healthy relationships you can nurture.