Afraid for Our Son and Unable to Continue Status Quo

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDw (petulant subtype) and I have been together for nearly 12 years and married for 7. She has a 24-year-old son (my stepson is a responsible and awesome young man) and we have a 2-year-old son. During the first years of our relationship I had no idea what BPD was, I just knew that after the honeymoon phase, our relationship was gradually becoming more and more tumultuous. The verbal and emotional abuse eventually gave way to physical aggression and out-of-control rages so gradually that I normalized her behavior (cooking a frog by slowly heating the water) and, worse, started blaming myself for her rages. Only after stumbling across "Stop Walking on Eggshells" did I figure out what the problem was in our relationship.

She is a textbook BPD case, abused and abandoned by her mother at an early age (she fled Mexico and her 10 children to seek work in the US), her father died when she was barely in double digits, and then her mother reappeared to reclaim her and take her to the US only for her new stepfather to molest her and her sisters (he served over 20 years in prison for it before being deported.) Married at 19 and pregnant by 20, her first husband was physically abusive to her and my stepson, which probably greatly exacerbated the already serious BPD. When I met her, I was in awe of her perseverance and strength in the face of such adversity and greatly admired her for being such an amazing single mom (my stepson's dad never paid a penny of child support.) Imagine my surprise when her hatred of him, her stepfather, and her mother slowly started to turn on me.

In the first years of our relationship, I kept blaming myself for her behavior. I did do things that were wrong or inconsiderate...it's just that her reactions to those things were totally out of proportion to my minor offenses. Then came the irrational jealousy, which was annoying but not scary at first. I should have left the first time she accused me of having an affair with the wife of a couple I have been friends with for more than 20 years...and then accused me of having an affair with their teenage daughter, but the accusations were so patently ridiculous that I just ignored the red flags. However, looking back now I can see that this is when I started to isolate myself from my friends. After all, it's just easier not to see friends when seeing them makes your partner so mad. Right?

I also should have left the first time she hit me, but she was so sorry afterward and I could see that she truly hated herself for doing it that I really believed that it was a one-time occurrence. Over the years I have ignored more red flags than I care to count. Fast forward to today. We are married, have a nice house, good jobs, and a beautiful son. I do not want to get divorced and lose all of that, but I have come to the end of my rope. I could take the abuse while it was just me (selfishly not realizing how it must have been affecting my stepson who saw it as a teenager), but now that we have our precious toddler I cannot let him grow up seeing his dad getting treated like trash and think that this is normal. At two his brain is like a sponge and he soaks up everything that he hears and sees.

I was in therapy for more than a year a few years ago, trying to come up with coping strategies to save my own sanity. It paid off somewhat in as much as I was able to set up barriers (if you ever hit me again, I will leave you, etc.) However, now that we have a son I can't just leave, so I moved to the guest bedroom six months ago when she full-on attacked me while I was sleeping because my snoring had woken her up. I am trying to learn more about how to do SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) responses to her splitting and raging, but it is hard work. In placing and enforcing my boundaries, I unintentionally built up a wall around my heart. I know that I did it instinctually to protect myself from her hateful and hurtful words, but it has increased the distance between us.

This is my first post on this forum, although I have been lurking for a while and have learned a lot. What I want advice on is how do I "lovingly" put down my boundaries and make it clear that I will no longer tolerate verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or suicide threats (especially in front of our son), keep him and myself mentally, emotionally, and physically safe while still trying to keep our family together. I have spoken to a friend on the local police force and he has told me to not be afraid to call 911 if she is out of control, and assured me that the local cops do not just reflexively arrest men on domestic calls, but I am afraid that if I call in the police (her physically abusing me) or mental health crisis team (suicide threat), it will only make my life a worse hell than it already is. I know that I do need to lay those options on the table though and follow through with the consequences if she violates those boundaries for the sake of our son. I am just so afraid and uncertain and would appreciate any advice.

Thank you all so very much in advance.

[HurtAndTired]

My uBPDw (petulant subtype) and I have been together for nearly 12 years and married for 7. She has a 24-year-old son (my stepson is a responsible and awesome young man) and we have a 2-year-old son. During the first years of our relationship I had no idea what BPD was, I just knew that after the honeymoon phase, our relationship was gradually becoming more and more tumultuous. The verbal and emotional abuse eventually gave way to physical aggression and out-of-control rages so gradually that I normalized her behavior (cooking a frog by slowly heating the water) and, worse, started blaming myself for her rages. Only after stumbling across "Stop Walking on Eggshells" did I figure out what the problem was in our relationship.

She is a textbook BPD case, abused and abandoned by her mother at an early age (she fled Mexico and her 10 children to seek work in the US), her father died when she was barely in double digits, and then her mother reappeared to reclaim her and take her to the US only for her new stepfather to molest her and her sisters (he served over 20 years in prison for it before being deported.) Married at 19 and pregnant by 20, her first husband was physically abusive to her and my stepson, which probably greatly exacerbated the already serious BPD. When I met her, I was in awe of her perseverance and strength in the face of such adversity and greatly admired her for being such an amazing single mom (my stepson's dad never paid a penny of child support.) Imagine my surprise when her hatred of him, her stepfather, and her mother slowly started to turn on me.

In the first years of our relationship, I kept blaming myself for her behavior. I did do things that were wrong or inconsiderate...it's just that her reactions to those things were totally out of proportion to my minor offenses. Then came the irrational jealousy, which was annoying but not scary at first. I should have left the first time she accused me of having an affair with the wife of a couple I have been friends with for more than 20 years...and then accused me of having an affair with their teenage daughter, but the accusations were so patently ridiculous that I just ignored the red flags. However, looking back now I can see that this is when I started to isolate myself from my friends. After all, it's just easier not to see friends when seeing them makes your partner so mad. Right?

I also should have left the first time she hit me, but she was so sorry afterward and I could see that she truly hated herself for doing it that I really believed that it was a one-time occurrence. Over the years I have ignored more red flags than I care to count. Fast forward to today. We are married, have a nice house, good jobs, and a beautiful son. I do not want to get divorced and lose all of that, but I have come to the end of my rope. I could take the abuse while it was just me (selfishly not realizing how it must have been affecting my stepson who saw it as a teenager), but now that we have our precious toddler I cannot let him grow up seeing his dad getting treated like trash and think that this is normal. At two his brain is like a sponge and he soaks up everything that he hears and sees.

I was in therapy for more than a year a few years ago, trying to come up with coping strategies to save my own sanity. It paid off somewhat in as much as I was able to set up barriers (if you ever hit me again, I will leave you, etc.) However, now that we have a son I can't just leave, so I moved to the guest bedroom six months ago when she full-on attacked me while I was sleeping because my snoring had woken her up. I am trying to learn more about how to do SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) responses to her splitting and raging, but it is hard work. In placing and enforcing my boundaries, I unintentionally built up a wall around my heart. I know that I did it instinctually to protect myself from her hateful and hurtful words, but it has increased the distance between us.

This is my first post on this forum, although I have been lurking for a while and have learned a lot. What I want advice on is how do I "lovingly" put down my boundaries and make it clear that I will no longer tolerate verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or suicide threats (especially in front of our son), keep him and myself mentally, emotionally, and physically safe while still trying to keep our family together. I have spoken to a friend on the local police force and he has told me to not be afraid to call 911 if she is out of control, and assured me that the local cops do not just reflexively arrest men on domestic calls, but I am afraid that if I call in the police (her physically abusing me) or mental health crisis team (suicide threat), it will only make my life a worse hell than it already is. I know that I do need to lay those options on the table though and follow through with the consequences if she violates those boundaries for the sake of our son. I am just so afraid and uncertain and would appreciate any advice.

Thank you all so very much in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What does she say and how does she react when you communicate your boundaries about physical abuse?

I think it's good that you're using the tools (see more at the top of the board and in the Lessons) and also that you've communicated this to law enforcement. Do you have  safety plan?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Have you thought about calling a local hotline for support? Calls are anonymous and the more support, the better. Does your toddler witness this abuse? (Sounds like it).

[HurtAndTired]

What does she say and how does she react when you communicate your boundaries about physical abuse?

I think it's good that you're using the tools (see more at the top of the board and in the Lessons) and also that you've communicated this to law enforcement. Do you have  safety plan?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Have you thought about calling a local hotline for support? Calls are anonymous and the more support, the better. Does your toddler witness this abuse? (Sounds like it).

When I have communicated with her about physical abuse boundaries she tries to deflect responsibility and says things like "it takes two people" and "you have also been physical with me." The second part is true only in as much as I have tried to grab her arms to keep her from hitting me in the past. I don't even do that anymore because I have had to hold her so tightly that it left marks on her arms/wrists where I was trying to restrain her. My strategy now is to get away if possible and just curl up in a ball and endure the abuse if it isn't and wait for a chance to get away. That along with locking myself in the guest bedroom when I am able to get away has been my only safety plan so far. Thank you for the link to the resources. I will work on using it to make a more solid and servicable safety plan a priority.

When I first told her that I would leave her if she ever hit me again, it was before our son was born. That worked pretty well (she must have sensed that I had reached a limit and was serious) until about six months ago when our son was around 18 months old. Having a child has changed the calculus for me as I want to keep our family intact if at all possible. It also helped that for the first year after our son was born, she was on antidepressants for post-partum depression. That really calmed her down. She would still get mad, but not rage. Unfortunately, she went off the meds because she didn't like the way she felt and within a few months was raging again.

I, of course, didn't tell her "I'm not leaving you if you hit me now because of our son" but she either sensed it or just didn't care in that moment of rage when she attacked me six months ago. What I need to do is lay down a new boundary now that we have a toddler. That boundary will be "if you get physical with me again, I am going to have to call 911." I haven't done that yet because I am afraid of her reaction, but I know that I need to lay down that boundary sooner rather than later and stick to it, as she now knows that the previous boundary was diminished from "If you hit me, I'll leave you" to "If you hit me, I'll move into a different bedroom."

As far as our toddler witnessing the abuse, he has, but only the verbal and emotional abuse. She has never physically abused me in front of our son, or anybody else. She is very careful to only do that when there are no witnesses. The only "witnesses" have been my stepson who heard us fighting and saw marks on me the next day, my friends, who heard her attacking me and saw blood all over my ear, neck, and their bed the next day when we stayed over with them, and our toddler who has heard the fighting but has never witnessed her hit me with his eyes.

There are no local support groups for families of people with BPD and as far as I can see, all of the local resources for domestic abuse cater solely to women. The domestic abuse of, not by, men is a silent epidemic and virtually no resources exist for us. I am just very grateful for this forum and all of the resources that I have found here. I am also grateful for the support of my friend who is on the local police force and the mental health resources he has put me in touch with. Hopefully, someday we will remove the stigma that faces men who are being abused, and local support groups will offer services to both men and women, but we are not there yet...at least in my state.

[Pook075]

This is my first post on this forum, although I have been lurking for a while and have learned a lot. What I want advice on is how do I "lovingly" put down my boundaries and make it clear that I will no longer tolerate verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or suicide threats (especially in front of our son), keep him and myself mentally, emotionally, and physically safe while still trying to keep our family together. I have spoken to a friend on the local police force and he has told me to not be afraid to call 911 if she is out of control, and assured me that the local cops do not just reflexively arrest men on domestic calls, but I am afraid that if I call in the police (her physically abusing me) or mental health crisis team (suicide threat), it will only make my life a worse hell than it already is. I know that I do need to lay those options on the table though and follow through with the consequences if she violates those boundaries for the sake of our son. I am just so afraid and uncertain and would appreciate any advice.

Thank you all so very much in advance.

Hello and welcome to the forums.  That was a very well thought out first post and many of us can relate word for word.  I was also attacked (physically and verbally) and chose to ignore it, then I was surprised when things naturally escalated with time.  Those things happened though because I did not establish my own boundaries in the marriage and make it crystal clear what was okay and what wasn't.

For example, we always had a "sock hamper" where all the clean socks went after coming out of the washer.  It drove me freakin' insane...there were 20 years of mismatched socks in there and whenever I wanted a fresh pair of socks, I had to dig through hundreds of pairs just to find a match.  Literally drove me nuts...but we kept a sock hamper for the entire length of our marriage.  The thing was, it was my fault.  Even though it was the dumbest thing in the world and I expressed my displeasure almost daily, I never put my foot down and said that this is not how adults treat socks.

To this day, I use the Jack Reacher philosophy from the books- I wear the same pair of socks for a week or two and then I throw them away.  That's how traumatic socks are in my life, LOL.

That's a funny, silly story that really didn't matter in life, but I used that to illustrate what you said in your final paragraph.  Stop walking on eggshells!  Talk calmly to your wife, but make it known that verbal abuse and physical abuse will not be tolerated.  She will not take that news well and she'll verbally and physically abuse you, because in her mind she's defending valid behavior for your missteps in life.  The question here is how you'll respond...will you run back to the eggshells to allow the abuse to continue, or will you use the system to get temporary help?

When I told my wife how much I hated the sock basket, she'd say if I didn't like it, to sort through all the socks myself and fold them.  So I would, but there would still be 40-60 socks left over because it's the most inefficient way to keep track of socks.  Then she'd say, don't throw those away because the matches will show up.  So what happened?  We kept the sock basket alive and well. 

I'd continue to walk on eggshells, being furious inside...I just want to put on a pair of socks and go to work my 12 hour shift.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  So one day, I got fed up and threw the entire sock basket in the trash.  My wife went ballistic because we needed those socks...what will we wear now?  But we got everyone a dozen pairs of new socks at WalMart for about $40 total- it took $40 to wipe out 20 years of frustration!

My point is that on some stuff, you need to compromise and pick your battles wisely.  On other things that truly matter (AKA, not socks), you need to stand your ground and make clear boundaries.  You will get pushback and how you deal with it will determine how far your marriage can go.  Just accepting it though it making you miserable and it's not a strategy.

Use the stickies along the top of the site to work on improving communication- that is essential and that alone will avoid or de-escalate many unnecessary arguments.  Therapy is also a must for both of you, maybe talk to your primary doctor about how to approach that subject (and let your doctor handle telling your wife). 

My last piece of advice is probably the most counter-intuitive; remember to love your wife and show her that she's appreciated.  It's not too late to turn this around, but you have to show her that the relationship is worth saving while you're working through this stuff.  It's super hard so there's no judgment from any of us, and you will fail badly at times when provoked.  That's okay though, you just need to learn to love her while also establishing boundaries and clear communication.

Here's why I used the sock analogy.  If I would have gone to my wife 25 years ago when we first got married and said the sock thing drives me nuts, we could have found a compromise right then and there.  Instead, I let a stupid little thing build resentment for decades when there was no reason for any of that.  The problem wasn't her since she was doing what felt natural.  The problem was clearly me and not speaking up with a fair compromise.  I hope that helps!

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you Pook. The story about the sock basket is a great example of how a little thing can become a huge problem if you dance around it rather than just address it in a direct and confident way. I am trying to, as you said, stop walking on eggshells, but it is a pretty ingrained habit and one that is very hard to break. That being said, I am going to, as you did, choose my battles. Like everyone else in a marriage or long-term relationship, there are a million tiny things that bother me, but the main ones I am going to stick to are:

-No physical abuse. If you hit, scratch, kick, push, slap, bite, or pull my hair I am calling 911 to de-escalate the situation. (My friend on the police force said that they try to de-escalate domestic calls rather than arrest when they know there is a mental health issue).

-No verbal abuse. If you swear at me or start name calling the conversation is over until a time when you can speak to me in a calm and respectful manner.

-No emotional abuse. If you are mad at me, that's fine. You have the right to be upset with me, but I expect you to be polite. No putting me on ignore mode or being passive-aggressive, especially in front of our son. If you are going to act like I am not there or make snide remarks, I will go do something fun with our son until you can be polite to me. Also if you threaten to hurt or kill yourself, I will have to call the mental health crisis team (our town now sends a non-police, mental health specialist response to volatile mental health crises).

If I could just get those three basic things with consistency I can be pretty go-with-the flow on with everything else. She can choose what we have for dinner, what we watch on tv, etc. If I want to do something that she doesn't want to do, I can just do it on my own or with my son. I need to stop trying to be responsible for her happiness and start being responsible for my own.

[Pook075]

Thank you Pook. The story about the sock basket is a great example of how a little thing can become a huge problem if you dance around it rather than just address it in a direct and confident way. I am trying to, as you said, stop walking on eggshells, but it is a pretty ingrained habit and one that is very hard to break. That being said, I am going to, as you did, choose my battles. Like everyone else in a marriage or long-term relationship, there are a million tiny things that bother me, but the main ones I am going to stick to are:

-No physical abuse. If you hit, scratch, kick, push, slap, bite, or pull my hair I am calling 911 to de-escalate the situation. (My friend on the police force said that they try to de-escalate domestic calls rather than arrest when they know there is a mental health issue).

-No verbal abuse. If you swear at me or start name calling the conversation is over until a time when you can speak to me in a calm and respectful manner.

-No emotional abuse. If you are mad at me, that's fine. You have the right to be upset with me, but I expect you to be polite. No putting me on ignore mode or being passive-aggressive, especially in front of our son. If you are going to act like I am not there or make snide remarks, I will go do something fun with our son until you can be polite to me. Also if you threaten to hurt or kill yourself, I will have to call the mental health crisis team (our town now sends a non-police, mental health specialist response to volatile mental health crises).

If I could just get those three basic things with consistency I can be pretty go-with-the flow on with everything else. She can choose what we have for dinner, what we watch on tv, etc. If I want to do something that she doesn't want to do, I can just do it on my own or with my son. I need to stop trying to be responsible for her happiness and start being responsible for my own.

I completely agree and it feels like you're on the right track.  Just remember that the things you named above don't start over life-changing problems...they start over sock baskets or schedules or movie night.  Talk through the little stuff more frequently, diffuse the situation, and maybe the bigger time bombs stop exploding in your life.

Likewise, the eggshell boundaries for hitting and other forms of abuse only come into play when regular communication fails.  It's so incredibly hard, but you have to lead those conversations in a positive, disarming manner where you make your spouse feel heard and appreciated.  It's not often fair but that's how love with a BPD individual unfolds at times.

Good luck- we're here if you need us.  Always feel free to ask questions or rant away.

[HurtAndTired]

So I had to enforce my new boundary last night and have been wracked with guilt and self-doubt since I did it. I am a teacher and am working 6 extra hours a week (3 extra hours over 2 nights) teaching night school (from 3:30 to 6:30 PM) to try to pay off credit card debt that has started to put the pinch on our budget since interest rates went through the roof. I let my wife know a week ahead of time that I would be starting my extra hours of teaching after school last night. I then texted her again yesterday afternoon to remind her that I would be working and that afterward, I had to go to my monthly Parish Council meeting where I serve as Secretary. I told her that I would try to be home by 8 and to go ahead and eat without me and that I would just eat some leftovers when I got home.

I walked through the door at 8:05 and found her in the basement with our son listening to dance music turned up loud and drinking a mixed drink (her preferred method of self-soothing when she is really upset.) She was distant and cold and made snide remarks to me, but I acted calmly and played with our son for about a half hour until it was time for me to put him to bed. After I got him changed, his teeth brushed, and tucked in I went back downstairs to the kitchen where she was waiting for me.

She then laid into me about how she had cooked me dinner and proceeded to tell me how selfish I was, that I didn't spend enough time with my family, and that I was a bad father. I tried to use SET to calm her down and diffuse the situation, but she became increasingly agitated. She ended up pulling a pan full of chicken out of the oven and dumped it on the floor for the dog to eat. She then grabbed a green bean casserole (she really went all out on dinner even though she knew I would be working) and smashed the ceramic dish it was in on the floor next to the chicken. I immediately began to clean up the broken ceramic because I did not want the dog to accidentally eat a piece of broken ceramic.

At this point, she was full-on screaming at me and her eyes had gone black, all pupil, and I know that when this happens she is fully dysregulated. I started to walk away from her to get to my safe space but as I was walking away she started throwing things at my head and ran up and pushed me in the back. I told her that she was getting physical and that I was going to call the police before she did anything that would result in her getting arrested. She immediately stopped the physical attack. So I called the non-emergency police number and went outside to wait for the officers to arrive.

When they got to our house they immediately asked me if she had hit me and I said that she had not, but that I knew it was the next step and I wanted to diffuse the situation before it came to getting hit. I said that I did not want her arrested, I just wanted my son to be safe, my wife to be safe, my dog to be safe, and to be safe myself. The police were awesome and very professional in talking to her to get her calmed down. The dog and I slept in the guest room last night with the door locked. I know that she is furious with me for calling the police and will be in a rage for a long time over it. I am sure that I will be painted black for a long time, if not forever over this, but I felt that my only choices were to run out of the house in my pajamas in the dark without my son, to stand my ground and let her beat me, or to call the police.

I barely slept last night because I was second-guessing myself with a lot of intensity all night long. I was also terrified of her wrath over this and was worried sick about the price she will try to extract from me for calling the police. I need some reassurance that I did the right thing. My hope is that she will eventually stop raging, will feel embarrassed by her behavior, and will learn the lesson that if she ever puts her hands on me again it means the police will be called. I feel sick and tired to my very soul, but still trying to reassure myself that I chose the best of a bunch of bad options.

TLDR: My wife attacked me after I put our son to bed and I had to call the police for the first time. No one got arrested, but she is furious about me enforcing my boundary about no physical violence and I am beside myself with doubt over what I did.

[Cat Familiar]

You did the right thing.   She may be angry with you for a while, but it will pass. You just need to wait it out. Not pleasant, I know.

And should she attack you in the future, you need to do the exact same thing. The worst possible strategy would be not following though with calling the police—that would inevitably cause her to escalate the attacks in the future should there be no consequences.

Meanwhile, you’ve got to thicken your skin and not be bothered by her reaction. (Easy to say; much more difficult to do—I know.)

I dealt with an extremely angry husband over a year ago, and wondered how long it would take for him to let go of his anger. (It took a few days.) Then I wondered if this incident would be added to his ever growing list of resentments. (It didn’t, at least not in the long term.)

I had worried about his alcohol abuse for years. (He could drink far more than the average man and “maintain” and then continue to drink a whole hell of a lot more to get drunk. And he did this almost daily.) Not only was he drinking, but he would combine alcohol with Ambien and pain pills. When I decided to tell his doctor that the medications she was prescribing were being used *recreationally*, she confronted him and gave him a choice of either pills or booze. He chose pills. And was he ever angry at me!

He quit drinking cold turkey, which was quite an accomplishment considering how much he’d been drinking. And he’s never again touched a drop of alcohol.

In his mind, I had “betrayed” him, yet I knew that wasn’t true. I had saved him from a worse fate, like you have done with your wife.

When he confronted me with this *betrayal*, I told him I would do the exact same thing again in a heartbeat. (He never mentioned it again.)

[HurtAndTired]

You did the right thing.   She may be angry with you for a while, but it will pass. You just need to wait it out. Not pleasant, I know.

Thank you so much Cat! I have let myself be so conditioned to automatically start taking responsibility for how she feels and reacts that it is almost impossible for me to put the responsibility back on her (where it belongs) even in my own mind. I know logically that what you say is true in my mind. I kept repeating the same thing over and over to myself all night long last night, and yet my heart still wants to take on the responsibility for her feelings. I guess that I have to de and then re-condition myself to not believe that in my heart. I didn't get this deep into co-dependency overnight, and it will take me a while to get myself back out of it. In the meantime, however, your words of support are just what I needed to stop second-guessing and gaslighting myself.

Thank you again for your story. It helps so much to know that I am not the only one going through this. This community has really turned into a lifeline for me!

[Turkish]

You did the right thing by calling.

"She immediately stopped the physical attack."

Dysregulation or not, violence is a choice.

I know she being arrested and charged is a bell that can't be unrung, but if there are no logical consequences for her, this is going to continue.

[waverider]

Often boundaries can't be communicated, they have to be enacted. To make them properly effective they also need to be consistent. Same action=same result. This not about trying to teach them a lesson, it is about your security in knowing whatever the action is can be kept away from you. It is important there are no "work arounds" or occasional "passes", or the attempts to get past them will continue.

When dysregulated pwBPD tend to loose the conscious thought process of cause and reaction, so to make changes you are trying to establish a kind of mental muscle memory. Akin to don't put your hand in the fire or it will get burnt 100% of the time, doesn't need conscious thought to prevent you doing it.

This is where we find it hard as it seems overdramatic or harsh at times.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you Turkish and Waverider.

I have come to the realization that what I have really done is not something singular like calling the police because of this one circumstance, but something much more profound. Namely, I have merely stopped shielding my wife from the natural consequences that result from her actions. Had she been treating anyone else the way that she has been treating me, say a clerk at a store, she would have had the police called on her long ago. What I have been doing by not calling the police was sending her the message that her behavior towards me is acceptable and appropriate. I have been placing myself in a position where I accept being treated worse than a complete stranger. The only type of person who would deserve such treatment would be someone who is physically attacking her like a purse snatcher or a mugger. I have been basically putting myself at the level of being treated like a mugger and have accepted it.

As a part of this process of placing boundaries, enforcing them, and healing I have realized that I have to prioritize self-care. If I don't, how can I properly care for our son? I know that my codependency comes from avoidant personality traits like low self-esteem, and although I might have found it difficult to prioritize loving and respecting myself due to these traits earlier in my life, now that I am a father I have to place everything in the context of fatherhood. I must model self-love and self-respect for my son. If I don't, I fear that I will doom him to a life of low self-esteem and dysfunctional relationships.

This is hard, but I will get through it. I will be consistent in my responses to unacceptable behavior but will do so with love and without malice. Although I know that she is splitting on me currently and thinks of me as Satan himself for calling the police, she has not sent me a mean text, she has not yelled at me, but instead is merely avoiding me altogether. The unacceptable behavior has stopped. I think that at some level she realizes that she could have been arrested if I had chosen to press charges and that scares the hell out of her.

While I do not want to cause her unnecessary stress or discomfort, being scared of being arrested for assault is an appropriate feeling to have. I get mad at people all the time but would never dream of striking them, partly because I am not a violent person and never have been, but also because I rightly fear the legal consequences of doing such a foolish and impulsive thing. I know that people with BPD have problems with impulse control, but she demonstrates her ability to control her impulses with literally every other human being on the planet besides me. I am merely expecting to be treated with the same level of respect and dignity that she would give, and regularly does give, to a perfect stranger.

[Cat Familiar]

I have come to the realization that what I have really done is not something singular like calling the police because of this one circumstance, but something much more profound. Namely, I have merely stopped shielding my wife from the natural consequences that result from her actions. Had she been treating anyone else the way that she has been treating me, say a clerk at a store, she would have had the police called on her long ago. What I have been doing by not calling the police was sending her the message that her behavior towards me is acceptable and appropriate. I have been placing myself in a position where I accept being treated worse than a complete stranger. The only type of person who would deserve such treatment would be someone who is physically attacking her like a purse snatcher or a mugger. I have been basically putting myself at the level of being treated like a mugger and have accepted it.

  Exactly!

As a part of this process of placing boundaries, enforcing them, and healing I have realized that I have to prioritize self-care. If I don't, how can I properly care for our son? I know that my codependency comes from avoidant personality traits like low self-esteem, and although I might have found it difficult to prioritize loving and respecting myself due to these traits earlier in my life, now that I am a father I have to place everything in the context of fatherhood. I must model self-love and self-respect for my son. If I don't, I fear that I will doom him to a life of low self-esteem and dysfunctional relationships.

We don’t need to assist you at all—you totally understand the dynamics here. All you need is validation that you are on the right path! A tip that might help is that your previous self concept is just that—a concept that helped you explain what you experienced and how you responded to it. We tend to cling to old, outdated models of ourself, because it’s our identity and it is grounding to have a reference point. But often those old models keep us trapped in dysfunctional ideas and patterns. Now you have a new model to adopt—*emotionally healthy father* and you can begin to let go of your previous self limitations.

This is hard, but I will get through it. I will be consistent in my responses to unacceptable behavior but will do so with love and without malice. Although I know that she is splitting on me currently and thinks of me as Satan himself for calling the police, she has not sent me a mean text, she has not yelled at me, but instead is merely avoiding me altogether. The unacceptable behavior has stopped. I think that at some level she realizes that she could have been arrested if I had chosen to press charges and that scares the hell out of her.

Understanding consequences will do that to a person.

While I do not want to cause her unnecessary stress or discomfort, being scared of being arrested for assault is an appropriate feeling to have. I get mad at people all the time but would never dream of striking them, partly because I am not a violent person and never have been, but also because I rightly fear the legal consequences of doing such a foolish and impulsive thing. I know that people with BPD have problems with impulse control, but she demonstrates her ability to control her impulses with literally every other human being on the planet besides me. I am merely expecting to be treated with the same level of respect and dignity that she would give, and regularly does give, to a perfect stranger.

She can control herself. You both know it’s a choice.

[HurtAndTired]

My wife just sent me a text apologizing for her behavior and acknowledged that what she did was wrong, even though she made me dinner and I was late (still putting some blame on me). She then goes on to say that we both want what is best for our son and that she wants to take our son on a trip out of state to be with her family for a week. She says she wants some space so she has some time to think, and that when she gets back we can discuss getting divorced and moving on with our lives.

This is the exact same playbook she followed with her ex-husband. He was cheating and beating (confirmed by my stepson) so she took their son and went out of state to stay with her family. When she got back they ended up divorcing, although I think that there were some attempts at reconciliation on her part before she filed for divorce. I am not cheating or beating. I was only home 5 minutes late for a dinner that she cooked on a night when she knew I was working late and I specifically told her that I wouldn't be home in time for dinner.

While I appreciate her acknowledging what she did was wrong, it feels like a halfhearted and forced apology. However, I accepted it gracefully and told her that I love her, despite what she might think at the moment, and that I felt awful that it had to come to that level, but that I have a duty to keep everyone in our house safe at all times. I also told her that I completely understand if she needs some time to think and that she can go and visit her family for however long she needs to. However, I said that our son needs to stay in his home and I that will be happy to look after him for as long as she needs to be gone. I also said that I do not want to get divorced and asked if we could calmly talk about it tonight when she gets home from work.

I am not 100% sure if this is an empty threat and an attempt to emotionally manipulate me or if she is going to try to follow the previous script of ending her first marriage. I am leaning toward the opinion that she is still extremely dysregulated and is not thinking clearly. The script she followed when her first marriage failed seems like a safe path for her to follow right now because she is in flight mode.

That being said, while I do lovingly support her taking as much alone time as she needs to get herself sorted out, there is no way in hell I am letting a dysregulated woman take our 2-year-old son out of state. We have him in daycare during the day while we work. I am off work in the evenings and the weekends and do the majority of childcare anyway. It's not like he is going to be neglected if she goes on a trip.

I am not her first husband. I do not go out drinking and stay out for days at a time. I do not have girlfriends on the side. I do not bring my drunk party buddies back home and trash our place while my wife and child are trying to sleep. I am not a college drop-out living in a crappy apartment in Campustown with a dead-end part-time job. I am not a man who only acts like a dad when he feels like it. I am a teacher with a Master's Degree who does not drink, and never goes anywhere except my job, church, or to see my parents. We own a nice house in the suburbs. When our son was born I did 100% of the midnight feedings and diaper changes. When he would be sick with an earache, I would stay up and rock him all night until he would go back to sleep. I pay for 100% of his daycare and am deeply emotionally invested in being a dad. Granted I am biased on this, but I would say that the bond I share with my son is deeper and more profound than that between him and his mother. I was also more of a father to my stepson than his bio-dad was. To this day, I am the one he calls if he needs money or is in trouble.

If I have to, I will file a motion to get a court order prohibiting her from taking our son out of state without my permission. I know that since we are married, she doesn't technically need my permission, but the fact that she is mentally ill, has within the past month threatened to commit suicide (had a specific plan and the means to do it), and just had the police respond to a domestic disturbance that she caused at our house would make any judge very hesitant to let her go galavanting off with a toddler in this state of mind. I will not threaten her with this or even mention it. It is my safety plan should she actually try to do it.

What I will do is explain to her calmly and lovingly tonight that it is best for our son to not be uprooted from his routine, put on an airplane, flown across the country, and stay in an unfamiliar bed (surely not one made for a toddler to sleep in) in a house with a bunch of people that he has never met. I will ask her why she feels like she has to take him with her when he would be much more comfortable and safe at home, and it wouldn't it be much easier for her to have the peace and quiet that she needs to think and sort things out if she is not having to concentrate on caring for a toddler all by herself?

My suspicion is that this is all a ruse to try to get a reaction out of me that she will not get (emotional abuse). I don't know exactly how many paid vacation days she has left this year, but I don't think it's that many. I also know that she has been complaining about money being tight and wouldn't want to lighten her paycheck. If she is serious about the trip though, I will be supportive. God knows that I would welcome the peace and quiet for a week. Our son going with her is non-negotiable, however, and I will lovingly but firmly make that clear. Pray for me if you are inclined to do so. I will try my best to use SET and will work through this next volley from her. I think that now the physical abuse is off the table and that she knows I will not engage when there is verbal abuse, she is resorting to the last tool in her toolbox, emotional abuse.

Thank you all for your continued support and advice. It has really been helping. I will keep you all updated as the situation unfolds.

[kells76]

I think you're right to be concerned about her taking your S2 along on a "head clearing" trip out of state and to decide ahead of time that whatever she chooses or needs to do, S2 isn't going.

While I appreciate her acknowledging what she did was wrong, it feels like a halfhearted and forced apology. However, I accepted it gracefully and told her that I love her, despite what she might think at the moment, and that I felt awful that it had to come to that level, but that I have a duty to keep everyone in our house safe at all times. I also told her that I completely understand if she needs some time to think and that she can go and visit her family for however long she needs to. However, I said that our son needs to stay in his home and I that will be happy to look after him for as long as she needs to be gone. I also said that I do not want to get divorced and asked if we could calmly talk about it tonight when she gets home from work.

It's good that you aren't turning her proposed trip into a fight.

Did she reply to any of that?

If I have to, I will file a motion to get a court order prohibiting her from taking our son out of state without my permission. I know that since we are married, she doesn't technically need my permission, but the fact that she is mentally ill, has within the past month threatened to commit suicide (had a specific plan and the means to do it), and just had the police respond to a domestic disturbance that she caused at our house would make any judge very hesitant to let her go galavanting off with a toddler in this state of mind. I will not threaten her with this or even mention it. It is my safety plan should she actually try to do it.

It's also good that you can decide what you would like to do ahead of time, without disclosing that to her. Can you call one or two lawyers in town and get an "initial consultation" (often free or low cost) about this situation? My understanding is the same as yours, that because you are married, both of you have equal rights to time with your child, and so there may not be anything actionable about her taking S2 with her. A local L can tell you where your leverage is here and what you may need to do to keep S2 safe. I would lean away from assuming what any judge would or would not do, and towards facts from lawyers about how things work in your area.

I have made lawyer phone calls from work on lunch or break -- more privacy than at home.

What I will do is explain to her calmly and lovingly tonight that it is best for our son to not be uprooted from his routine, put on an airplane, flown across the country, and stay in an unfamiliar bed (surely not one made for a toddler to sleep in) in a house with a bunch of people that he has never met. I will ask her why she feels like she has to take him with her when he would be much more comfortable and safe at home, and it wouldn't it be much easier for her to have the peace and quiet that she needs to think and sort things out if she is not having to concentrate on caring for a toddler all by herself?

Is that what you're thinking for the potential conversation tonight?

One thought is that in a "typical" relationship, explaining things to your partner can sometimes make things better.

In a relationship with a pwBPD, especially in high-stakes, emotionally intense situations, explanations rarely make things better, and can sometimes be like throwing gas on a fire.

Also, in "typical" relationships, asking for clarification (questions like "why do you think XYZ") can sometimes help both parties come to understanding and agreement.

Again, in a relationship with a pwBPD, asking for clarification, especially with a "Why do you think..." question in a high-stakes situation, is like putting a big neon sign over an open door saying "This way to more conflict!" I could easily see her taking you on a trip down the rabbit hole of emotionally compelling reasons why "she's his mother, he needs her, he can't  be away from her, etc.", which is a derailment away from what you've already decided -- he isn't going.

In fact, it signals a sort of waffling on your part that I don't think you want to signal. If you've decided it's a firm boundary that S2 isn't going, then asking her why she thinks he should go is kind of like saying "I guess he can go if you can convince me you have a good reason".

Overall, if it were me, I'd steer very clear of any JADE-ing or "why do you..." questions.

An alternative to consider, if you still want to have a conversation with her tonight, could be to listen to what she's saying she needs (space to clear her head) and find the validation target there. Can you validate what's valid -- you agree with her that it could be a good thing for her to take a week away with family? And instead of trying to convince her of all these reasons why it's better for S2 to stay home (again, that's a big open door invitation to argument), I wonder if you can roll those two together in a supportive way: "Babe, you're right -- your plan to take some time for yourself sounds healthy. I'll take care of S2 here so you have time to focus on yourself. We'll both meet you at the airport when you get back" etc.

The more she hears you spend time and words on how S2 isn't going and how she should argue with you about why he should, the more she'll know that's a topic that gets engagement from you and where she can keep getting negative engagement.

I would keep statements about S2 very brief and firm, and then pivot much more time and energy to agreeing with her that her idea of the trip is a good one, and asking how you can support her going and getting time alone.

Thanks for keeping us in the loop -- these are the most difficult situations.

-kells76

[HurtAndTired]

Omg Kells, thank you so much for your super prompt reply and super specific advice! You may have just saved me from making a terrible mistake! You are 100% right about avoiding the JADE. This is why I am so glad that I am posting here. The advice from people who have been through similar situations is invaluable and priceless.

I will follow your advice and just actively listen and try to validate as much as possible about her taking a trip. I will be supportive (S) of her need for space and be empathetic about her reasons for going (E), but will make a brief but firm statement that S2 is staying at home (T). I have not practiced many of these tools enough to have them become my automatic response yet. I still find myself falling back into the pattern of trying to have normal, rational conversations with an irrational person. I should know better, but lifelong communication habits are very hard to break. I will keep practicing SET until it becomes like muscle memory...something that I just automatically click into.

I love your idea of saying that we will take her to and pick her up from the airport. If she actually does want to go through with a trip, that's what I would have ended up offering regardless as the closest airport is about a 45-minute drive from our town, long-term parking is expensive, and she doesn't like to drive on the highway or in the larger city we live close to.

As far as consulting with a lawyer, I did that the last time that she made divorce threats earlier this summer and was threatening to take my son away and make me pay alimony and child support (alimony is not really a thing in my state, and hasn't been for many decades, confirmed with a lawyer). I found out that her making repeated suicide threats is something that warrants an emergency order suspending any kind of custody until she can undergo a court-ordered psych evaluation that states she is not a threat to herself or anyone else. When our son became involved in threats that was when I started to take things to the next level and get all of my ducks in a row (consulted a lawyer, a friend on the police force, made a safety plan, etc.). Getting an emergency court order to have a psych evaluation is obviously a last-ditch contingency plan that I would only do if there were no other choice.

Thank you again for pointing out the flaws in my thinking and giving me very specific and actionable advice. I will keep the conversation (I have to have it since I asked for it) short and to the point. I will use SET and validate where I can, but will not let it drift into an argument or circular conversation.

I will keep you posted.

P.S. I just realized that this may very well be an extinction burst directly related to my no longer behaving as she expects me to (i.e. calling the police when she got physical)! I will tread very carefully to make sure that I am not reinforcing any unacceptable behaviors. To that end, when I told her that I do not want a divorce it is not begging or pleading behavior. It is merely stated as a fact. If pushed on the issue I have started to say something along the lines of "I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. I would prefer to keep our family intact. However, if you want to get divorced you will need to contact an attorney and file the papers because I will not do that" and I just leave it at that. Stated as a calm fact and completely without any distress on my part. It is true, I do not want to get a divorce, but I am truly at the point where I will not beg and plead if she decides that this is what she truly wants. It makes it much easier to be calm, cool, and collected when the threats have finally lost their power over you.

[Pook075]

Omg Kells, thank you so much for your super prompt reply and super specific advice! You may have just saved me from making a terrible mistake! You are 100% right about avoiding the JADE. This is why I am so glad that I am posting here. The advice from people who have been through similar situations is invaluable and priceless.

I will follow your advice and just actively listen and try to validate as much as possible about her taking a trip. I will be supportive (S) of her need for space and be empathetic about her reasons for going (E), but will make a brief but firm statement that S2 is staying at home (T). I have not practiced many of these tools enough to have them become my automatic response yet. I still find myself falling back into the pattern of trying to have normal, rational conversations with an irrational person. I should know better, but lifelong communication habits are very hard to break. I will keep practicing SET until it becomes like muscle memory...something that I just automatically click into.

I love your idea of saying that we will take her to and pick her up from the airport. If she actually does want to go through with a trip, that's what I would have ended up offering regardless as the closest airport is about a 45-minute drive from our town, long-term parking is expensive, and she doesn't like to drive on the highway or in the larger city we live close to.

As far as consulting with a lawyer, I did that the last time that she made divorce threats earlier this summer and was threatening to take my son away and make me pay alimony and child support (alimony is not really a thing in my state, and hasn't been for many decades, confirmed with a lawyer). I found out that her making repeated suicide threats is something that warrants an emergency order suspending any kind of custody until she can undergo a court-ordered psych evaluation that states she is not a threat to herself or anyone else. When our son became involved in threats that was when I started to take things to the next level and get all of my ducks in a row (consulted a lawyer, a friend on the police force, made a safety plan, etc.). Getting an emergency court order to have a psych evaluation is obviously a last-ditch contingency plan that I would only do if there were no other choice.

Thank you again for pointing out the flaws in my thinking and giving me very specific and actionable advice. I will keep the conversation (I have to have it since I asked for it) short and to the point. I will use SET and validate where I can, but will not let it drift into an argument or circular conversation.

I will keep you posted.

P.S. I just realized that this may very well be an extinction burst directly related to my no longer behaving as she expects me to (i.e. calling the police when she got physical)! I will tread very carefully to make sure that I am not reinforcing any unacceptable behaviors. To that end, when I told her that I do not want a divorce it is not begging or pleading behavior. It is merely stated as a fact. If pushed on the issue I have started to say something along the lines of "I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. I would prefer to keep our family intact. However, if you want to get divorced you will need to contact an attorney and file the papers because I will not do that" and I just leave it at that. Stated as a calm fact and completely without any distress on my part. It is true, I do not want to get a divorce, but I am truly at the point where I will not beg and plead if she decides that this is what she truly wants. It makes it much easier to be calm, cool, and collected when the threats have finally lost their power over you.

Wow, I went to dinner with my kid and didn't log in yesterday...I feel like I'm two weeks behind.  I can only imagine what a rollercoaster the past 48 hours have been for you.

I echo what everyone else said in that you've consistently done the right thing in establishing boundaries but also showing love.  And I also agree that your words and emotions will likely be taken out of context for a little while because she will likely stay disregulated for a time.  But that's okay, you knew going into this that putting up healthy boundaries for yourself and your son would be met with bad behavior.

Moving forward, there's literally no telling what the next few days will bring.  I agree that she shouldn't take your son out of the state and she may not leave without him since that disrupts her "victim mentality" that she'll want to tell everyone.  There's a chance that she'll also be loving and caring in the next day or so in order to try to fix things without actually talking about them.  Or maybe she just hops in the car and takes off, it's very difficult to predict since each situation is unique.

All I can say is, you have a great plan in place to focus more on yourself and your own mental health.  Believe it or not, that's the best thing you can do for your wife as well because you'll be better prepared to weather the storm.  Just remember to be kind and loving, even if she's ignoring you, because it's not your place to punish her for being mentally ill.  That's a lesson all of us struggle with so I'm preaching to the choir here, but I did feel that it needed to be said.

If you want to try a peace offering, why not plan something for tomorrow for the family?  Mention that you'd like to take your son to <whatever...zoo, movie, park, etc.> and you'd like if she'd come with you.  Who knows how she'll respond, but you need to go have a great experience with your son regardless.  The lesson here is that your happiness can't depend on her at the moment, you have to be able to stand on your own two feet regardless of what else happens.  Plus, your son would appreciate ice cream in the park, just saying.  =)

Good luck brother, we'll continue to be here for you!

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you for your words of support Pook. They are much appreciated. So last night when my wife got home from work she wanted to talk about her trip. I practiced active listening and let the distortions of reality and digs at me slide off me and remained calm. She almost immediately brought up that she had to take our son with her on her trip. I calmly told her that he would be staying home so that she could concentrate on getting her thoughts sorted out and have the alone time that she said she needed. She did not like that at all and tried several times to engage me in an argument over it, but I simply asserted that while I supported her taking a trip our son was staying at home in his own bed for however long she needed to be gone. I was shocked at how fast she dropped the idea in the face of my calm and supportive responses.

As she dug deeper into her emotions, and I validated where possible, a lot of "ick" came flowing out of her and I got a frightening glimpse at the turmoil, fear, and self-loathing that must be churning inside of her. It helped that I knew these emotions lurk beneath the surface of most people with BPD. It allowed me to feel real sympathy for her rather than the defensive anger and fear that I would have previously responded with.

I am at this point nearly 100% certain that what I am experiencing is an extinction burst from her. Her previous maladaptive tools that would provoke an expected reaction out of me are no longer working and it's freaking her out. She knows that physical violence is off the table permanently or scary natural consequences of that violence will occur (police).

Last night I was also firm that she stopped yelling and swearing where our son can hear her. He is, after all, naturally parroting nearly everything that he hears at this stage in his development The knowledge that her behavior could potentially permanently damage our son psychologically had her holding her tongue in a way that she has never been able to with me before when she is angry. Although I think (and really hope) that the physical abuse has been scared out of her for a while, I am sure that I will have to do more frequent enforcement of the verbal abuse boundary. However, the talk took an unexpected turn after she was able to unload and felt heard.

As she dug deeper into her instinct to run out of state "to think" I discovered that she does not have the funds to do so. A little background is needed to explain this. This is my second marriage, my first was to an abusive alcoholic...yes I know, I have codependency issues that I need to continue to address. Because we met and started dating in our mid (her) to late (me) 30s and had both been divorced before, we already had separate finances and households and bad experiences with combining finances. We have divided up utilities and other bills, split the mortgage (I pay 2/3 she pays 1/3), and take turns buying groceries as needed. We have never had a shared checking account or credit cards and it has worked well for us.

She admitted that she has been under financial stress with reduced hours at work, everything costing more due to inflation, and would have to rely on her family to buy her (and our son's) plane tickets. I empathized with her and said that is why I have been taking on extra hours at work. She said that she feels like I am just finding excuses to be away from her and our family (abandonment issues) and said that it makes me a bad father and husband. I told her that I could understand why she might feel like that but that the truth is that I am trying to be a good father and husband by paying off my debts so that our family can be more financially stable. I also told her that I am going to resign from the Parish Council at church (I have served as Secretary and/or Vice President for nearly 5 years and someone else can shoulder that burden for awhile).

This common ground and my willingness to compromise and give a concrete way that we can spend more family time together seemed to shock her. She was still angry and confused but she was running out of things to be angry about. She told me again how miserable she has been feeling (my fault of course) and she didn't see how she could fix that (more accurately how I could fix it for her). We dug into this and I validated where I could. I have also been unhappy and want to change our relationship for the better (not putting sole responsibilty on her). She mentioned that she is disappointed because she wanted us to take a weekend getaway together as a family to the Mall of America (about a three hour drive away), but now that is ruined because we are in conflict. I told her that due to my working extra and paying off debt over the past six months that we could take a two day trip next weekend if she wanted. I made it clear that this was a special occasion and that we cannot afford to do something like this more than once in a while. She was again shocked and didn't quite know what to say.

The talk ended with her asking me if we could go to marriage counseling! This is an amazing and shocking development for me. I have gotten her into CC twice and individual counseling once and all three times she walked away once the therapist started saying things that she didn't want to hear. This is the first time that she has voluntarily asked to go to counseling! This does not mean that things are all fixed, of course. She still slept in the master bedroom last night and locked the door while I slept in the guest bedroom and for the first time in days felt safe enough to not lock the door. My hope is that the extinction burst is passing and that in a few days or weeks that she will stop splitting on me. I promised to look up couple's counselers in our town today and present her with options when she gets home tonight and we could decide together who we want to start seeing.

I will keep you all updated on the situation as it evolves, but thanks to the support I have been given and the tools that I have found here I have been able to break the vicious and completely predictable BPD cycle...at least for now. I will keep practicing using the tools and will stay vigilent with enforcing boundaries. I am not sure that we are out of the woods yet, but for the first time in a very long time I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel and have real hope that we can make things better in the long term. Thank you to all of you who have supported me and given me advice. As I am writing this I am blinking back tears of gratitude. Thank God for all of you and this site!

[Pook075]

God bless you, my friend, because you're doing what all of us should have done when the cracks started forming in our marriage.  We didn't though, almost all of us took the abuse until we couldn't take it anymore and someone walked away.  So kudos to you for adapting quickly and doing what most of us couldn't.

I will share a quick warning that your wife is unstable at the moment and what she thought/said yesterday may not be her viewpoints today.  That comes from the self-sabotage and negative mindset where she'll replay your conversations and focus on the exact stuff she shouldn't focus on until its distorted into something completely different.  That's where the counseling and therapy comes in and makes such a difference- learning to break that negative thought pattern quickly so you can regulate your thoughts and emotions once again.  So today may contain some surprises- I hope they don't, but it's a possibility.

Again though, I applaud you for taking the high road and staying in the fight when things are at their worst.  In Biblical terms, you're in the middle of the storm and you're supposed to let your faith guide you.  While you haven't explicitly said it, it's obvious that you're digging into your faith to stabilize and strengthen yourself amidst the chaos.  My journey didn't turn out the same as yours since we're divorcing, but my path was the same and it's what got me through the worst of the worst.

Keep your head up and just keep doing what you're doing.  None of us are perfect but man, you're doing fantastic and your mindset in this stage is a true rarity.  I am rooting for you guys so hard because you can get through this!

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll just echo Pook. He eloquently summed up anything I could have said, and much more.

HurtAndTired, you are on an accelerated path of learning. It took me years of participating here to even get a sliver of the understanding you have. Keep it up!  

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you Pook and Cat.

Boy did you call it Pook! You were absolutely right that there was some backsliding during the day while she was at work on Saturday. Fortunately, I expected this to happen. We have been together nearly 12 years, so it is far from my first time on this ride. The only difference is that now I am no longer reacting as I would before.

I took our son to visit my folks who live about 20 miles away on Saturday while my wife was working and by noon the long, rambling, extremely negative, and sometimes incoherent text messages started to blow up my phone. Normally I would have responded and an argument via text would have ensued. At the very least I would have responded and asked her if we could talk about things when she got home. No more. When Lucy sets up the ball, this Charlie Brown is no longer going to try to kick it. I know Lucy will pull the ball away at the last second like she always does. The only way to win the game is not to play. I decided that I am no longer going to respond to negative texts from a dysregulated person. Period.

When my wife got home from work, she seemed puzzled and frustrated. She mentioned in a passive-aggressive and snarky way that I must not be reading my texts anymore. I told her, no, I had read her texts, that I did not respond because I would no longer argue via text message, and that I wouldn't ever respond to negative texts again. She then asked, politely, if she could just talk and if I would listen. I calmly and compassionately said that of course, I would.

She then started reading me a long message that she had composed on her phone earlier that day. It was full of self-loathing, low self-esteem, despair, fear, and pain. She asked again why she couldn't just take her trip and take our son with her. I said that I would not have that discussion with her again as we already discussed it and resolved it the night before and that I was not going to have arguments more than one time. She said that yes we had come to a resolution, but that her thoughts kept bothering her while she was at work and that it made her doubt her decisions. As a side note, I have done some reading that says a large percentage of pwBPD actually hear voices (aural hallucinations). This makes BPD closer to other forms of psychosis than many people understand or believe. At any rate, I have come to believe that my wife actually hears voices (whether it is her own voice or someone else's, who can say) that repeatedly tell her negative things until she starts to believe them.

Ok, I thought, we just did this last night, let's just do it again, and off we went. I did the exact same type of SET work that I had done before, and just like the night before I got her talked back down again. This time I went even further and was even more supportive and empathetic. I could tell from what she had said earlier that her self-esteem was cratered, so I told her how much I appreciated her (true) how much I missed her (true), and how much I was looking forward to us getting some time away together the following weekend (true).

We tucked our boy in and it was time to go to bed. I respectfully asked her if she would like me to sleep in the guest room again so that she could think and catch up on sleep (she had complained about not having had a good night's sleep in days). I was surprised when she said "whatever, you want to do" (translation: come back to the master bedroom or it means that you are rejecting me). So I grabbed my stuff and headed back to our bed for the first time in days. We ended up being intimate for the first time in over a month and by the next morning, it was like the events of the prior week had never happened.

I am not foolish enough to think that this is the end. It is only the end of the beginning. I am sure that she will continue to have episodes and will continue to test boundaries. I am just as sure that I will have to be vigilant about being disciplined with my responses when those episodes come and will have to be consistent about enforcing the boundaries. I do feel incredibly empowered though. I will continue to use these tools because they work! Even though they won't work every time, at least I know what to do when they don't (safety plan). I think I can start to imagine what it feels like to live life without being afraid all of the time, and it feels pretty damn good.

As far as the counseling goes, although I brought it up again on Saturday night, she brushed it off. I won't push it too far, but I will continue to remind her that she thought it was a good idea for us to talk to someone. If we end up going to counseling soon, great. If not, I will remind her of her suggestion the next time she has an episode (two can play the "I never forget a word you said" game!) Ultimately, when she does agree to go to counseling it will be because she is agreeing to her own idea rather than me forcing it on her.

I also wanted to let you know that you nailed it on the head when you said to let my faith guide me through the storm Pook. I was at church on Sunday with my son and thinking about your words. As the priest (Orthodox Church) read the gospel and delivered the sermon the focus was on how none of us is justified by the law, but through our faith are we delivered. None of us deserve the gift we have been given, and we are expected in return to deny ourselves and to take up our cross and follow the Lord. The priest was saying that means that we need to lay aside our ego and expose the parts of us that are weak and vulnerable. Just as Christ let the cross take his life so that he could save us, letting our pride and ego die on the cross of our vulnerabilities is a condition of salvation.

I couldn't help but think of how long I have carried my secret shame of being abused by my wife around like a cross, and how damned heavy it has been. By opening up to people in my life recently (my priest, my parents, my friend on the police force, my family, and all of you wonderful people) I have finally exposed my weakness and shame. It has been incredibly hard to do and I was so frightened to do it. It culminated in my calling the police and, in that moment, my pride and ego died. I had reached the point of no return and I could no longer hide my secret. I was exposing the truth of my abuse for the first time for all of the world to see and it felt like a death. But instead, it has saved my life, and quite possibly it has saved my marriage.

It is no mere coincidence that this particular gospel was read on this particular Sunday. I could feel God speaking to me and I said prayers of thanks for all of the help that he has sent me, and that is in no small part all of you. Thank you again, my friends, from the bottom of my heart. I am sure that I face many trials and tribulations ahead, but I know that I have the strength and tools to handle them going forward. I will keep in touch and keep you posted. I will also keep reading and studying, and maybe..just maybe, someday I will feel wise and experienced enough to offer advice to someone else the way that you all have with me. You are all truly an inspiration.


Love to all,

HurtAndTired

[Pook075]

It is no mere coincidence that this particular gospel was read on this particular Sunday. I could feel God speaking to me and I said prayers of thanks for all of the help that he has sent me, and that is in no small part all of you. Thank you again, my friends, from the bottom of my heart. I am sure that I face many trials and tribulations ahead, but I know that I have the strength and tools to handle them going forward. I will keep in touch and keep you posted. I will also keep reading and studying, and maybe..just maybe, someday I will feel wise and experienced enough to offer advice to someone else the way that you all have with me. You are all truly an inspiration.

Hey Hurt.  I'm so glad that things are improving at home and with your outlook, I see no reason why it can't continue.  So much of what you said resonated with my journey as well- I reached a point where I was so completely broken that I went to God and surrendered.  That meant casting aside my ego and my pride and saying, "Okay God, let's do it your way.  Wherever you lead, I'll go."

In the months that followed, people came into my life from all over the place (through friends, my kids, etc.) and asked me how I was so calm and composed in the face of such adversity.  While going through the initial separation, I had lost my oldest brother to cancer, I had lost my job, and I had buried my father the year earlier, and my best friend to COVID the year before that.  I had every reason to be bitter but that's not how we're called to live, and I just kept witnessing, and praying, and digging into my Bible.  Before long, my mornings started watching the sunrise at a local park and listening to a sermon- whichever one was first in the YouTube algorithm.  

Sometimes it was for me and sometimes, it was for someone I was witnessing to...but every sermon hit home and I just absorbed it.  I had such a greater understanding though that I never had before, and it was because I was actually taking the time alone to absorb what God was guiding me towards.

After maybe 8 or 9 months of asking God to save my marriage, to bless my wife, I still hadn't really talked to my wife because she was so unstable...she's get migraines and have a panic attack whenever I reached out.  Part of that is because she was interested in another man but she came from a devout Christian family, so everything she did was in secret.  I think there was a lot of guilt and shame involved as well, and it finally dawned on me- God is greater than BPD or anything else in life.  My wife had not returned because God had not guided her home.

And I thought to myself, do I really surrender all?  Am I chasing my will (reconciliation) or his will (staying apart)?  It was around that time that I heard the story of Joseph once again and how he was hated by his brothers, left for dead, sold into slavery, jailed for adultery (which he was innocent of), and eventually became the #2 authority in all of Egypt.  The message is so clear, God prepares us for the life we're meant to live, and we often can't even imagine where we'll end up.  His plan is always the best plan for our lives if we're willing to surrender and wait on his timing.

In my story, the marriage wasn't meant to be.  But I've been so blessed this past year and my life has completely changed for the better.  Great new job, involved with prison ministry, witnessing to countless others in crisis (here included), and I think I've met my future wife already if that's where God leads.

The moral of my story is that what I want isn't always what God wants...but that doesn't mean there's not an incredible ending if you stay faithful through the storm.  I still love my wife and show her compassion every chance I get, and her anger has completely faded over the past few months.  I still don't think reconciliation is possible but we're finding our way to friendship and we're parenting our adult daughters together once again.  It's all in God's hands and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Some may say that this past 12 months was the worst time of my life due to so much loss and heartache.  But it was actually the greatest blessing because of how I surrendered and lived a life of humility.  I hope that helps give a little perspective in your journey.