Co-POA with BPD sibling

[torturedsib23]

My elderly mother has Alzheimer's, and my older brother and I are named as co-POA (medical and financial), and I'm fairly certain he has BPD.  We disagree about what to do with some of her assets, and he's been firing irrational, hostile texts and emails left and right.  I am now refusing to meet with him without my husband present, and I am seeking legal advice, but I don't see resolution unless I give in or we go to court.  Aside from legal remedies, is there any advice about how to interact with him (given I can't just walk away) and protect my nuclear family from his attacks?
Thanks in advance.

[kells76]

Hi torturedsib23 and welcome. You'll definitely find others here who are supporting an aging parent while coping with other family members wBPD. Not an easy combination.

After experiencing his hostile and excessive emails and texts, it's smart of you to decide for yourself not to meet with him alone. It sounds like your husband is supportive of you in all this? Does your H understand some about PDs?

my older brother and I are named as co-POA (medical and financial)

Are there any areas where one of you is the "tiebreaker" (i.e., even though both of you are co-POA, are there some places where you can just move ahead with decisions on your own, or does everything have to be by agreement)?

We disagree about what to do with some of her assets, and he's been firing irrational, hostile texts and emails left and right.

Are there any areas where the two of you do agree on what to do?

Who is he sending these emails/texts to -- just you, other family members, attorneys, other...?

is there any advice about how to interact with him (given I can't just walk away) and protect my nuclear family from his attacks?

Sounds like he's expanding his attacks away from you and on to your family -- is that your husband, kids, more family members? How have they responded to the attacks?

...

While it may not be an easy or comfortable path, there are ways forward to not let a sibling with BPD totally run the show. Do settle in here, take a look at some other threads, and we'll wait to hear back from you whenever works best for you.

Glad you're here;

kells76

[beatup]

Welcome,
    Go to "How to get the most out of this site" then scroll to communication skills. You might find that reading there to be helpful in dealing with your brother.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar position with my disordered siblings for several years now, and BPD is a big factor. Without going into great detail about my situation, I would like to tell you what has worked for me. First of all, I came to the painful reality that my disordered siblings are high conflict and controlling individuals, and there was nothing I could do to change what they would do like your brother is doing, making the problems worse and escalating situations instead of resolving them. I too sought legal counsel which helped tremendously though it is a painful and long term process to get many issues resolved. First of all, you need your own legal counsel. You can interview several lawyers and find out what they can do for you, and what you would like to do without having to pay any fees. You can also pay for one hour sessions of legal advice. Beware of getting into a law suit because law suits take lots of time, money, and are often what high conflict individuals thrive on. It can help to use other people to enforce what needs to be done, as you are the target of your brother and he is not likely to cooperate with you, though may pretend to be cooperating with others, partly to make himself look like he is the good sibling. Above all, learn how to legally document all conversations with and actions of your BPD brother, so you have the evidence to make legal challenges if it comes to that, which unfortunately seems likely. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help. Other members on this site who have long years of dealing with disordered family members with BPD will help you.

[TelHill]

I haven't had this particular experience but have had to take a disordered, high conflict person to court. Having a lawyer was key to resolving the issue.  There was no way to avoid going to court. I would have lost a lot if I hadn't.  My first choice would have been to avoid this.

If you have contact with your brother, be professional and stay cool in the face of his meltdowns. Don't let him see you get upset.  Treat him as a co-worker. Punch a pillow when you're by yourself to discharge the stress.

In my jurisdiction, verbal promises are legally binding.  Best not to agree with things you don't feel comfortable with just to get him off your back temporarily. (In the US, a recent federal ruling said a thumbs up to a text is considered a legally binding agreement. )

It's very important, as zachira says, to document (date and time) of all verbal and electronic communication. Always let phone calls from him go directly into voice mail. Never answer the phone if you know it's him.

Get off social media completely until you have a binding agreement. Blocking him isn't enough. You never know what flying monkeys will do behind your back.

[GaGrl]

Several members of this forum have been in similar situations. I have had 100% care of my 94 year old mother, who was not diagnosed BPD but did have several BPD traits due to early childhood trauma. It is so difficult.

Is your mother in a memory scare facility, or are you attempting to care for her at home?

What are the current conflicts concerning -- quality of care, or financial controls?