I should clarify that my mom told him “it’s like you’re dead” meaning that’s how she (and our family) have had to deal with his NC with us. We have had very limited contact - like only texting him when my mom was in the hospital - with no response….well, he wrote an acknowledgment days later.
He spent almost an hour with them showing them picture and telling them how awesome everyone is doing. I think the issue I have is that our contact is completely on their terms, and it bothers me that he just shows up - here’s our life and our kids that you’ll never see - we’re all great - not realizing what it feels like to be on the other side. We have to think about him being gone because it is so bleak to us that we’ll never see him again.
Yes, it's understandable that you feel this way. I think my father's family also must have felt that way as well- and I did as an adult. BPD mother controlled most aspects of my father's relationships. On the other hand, he was not a victim- he allowed her to do this. So your being upset is understandable. He's still responsible for his choices.
It's not as one sided as the wife being the cause of the problems. It wasn't until a counselor brought up my own co-dependent tendencies that I began to understand my father's part in this. The addiction model helped me to comprehend it- even if it didn't involve what we think of as addiction- in a way, my father was "addicted" to soothing my mother's feelings- to the extent that an addict chooses the drug - even if their behavior is hurtful to others- because they are addicted to it. Addicts might change- if they hit their own "bottom" and decide but family and loved ones aren't usually effective at trying to talk to them to get them to do that.
One aspect I will disagree is - the assumption that things are going great in his family. This is BS. If his marriage was a mutual caring one, your brother would be able to keep his family connections intact. It's also part of the dynamics. Relatives assumed they were being snubbed by my parents and all was great. All wasn't great. It was my parents' denial and the illusion of "all is great" and my father's need to protect my mother from anyone finding out there was anything other than "great" going on. I wouldn't assume your brother is lying- it's that he's joined his wife in this joint illusion. In public, my father praised my mother. Nobody outside the family knew what was actually going on at home.
These relationships do seem like cults in a way. It's very difficult for family on the "other side" as you say. I think on some level they sense that- but they are also drawn into something that seems to have taken their attention and so put that first. With my father- my mother read his emails, listened in on his phone calls with me. Sometimes I'd call and he'd answer, and if she answered on the extension ( house phone), he'd hang up.
The wavering on your brother's part is a part of this. When your brother shows up, it's likely because his wife is occupied and not aware of the visits. To your family, he's being inconsiderate. To him, he's visiting at a time when he's not likely to upset his wife. He may even be sneaking out for these visits if she forbids them.
From what I have read, the approach to this is for family to take care of yourselves- do what you need to do to manage your emotional well being. If your wish is to keep the door open to a relationship with him, then know that his showing up randomly means he still cares, he's still attached- but it may be all he can manage.
I also understand the feeling of "what right does this woman have to do this to his family". Well, he also allowed it. But likely under duress. If there are kids involved, he's trying to keep the peace in his family.
