Looking for an understanding community

[Zoe Fun-loving]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum and wanted to introduce myself. First off, thank you for having me!

I come from a family with a mother displaying many traits of bpd. She was never diagnosed as she's terrified of her mental health, and my whole family is in denial about it. In my childhood, and still today actually, I was casted into role of the scapegoat, and my sister was the golden child. Additionally to the constant fear in which we were raised, intense rivalry close to hate between my sister and I caused even more chaos. All this has caused tremendous amount of pain, self-doubt, loathing, and anger management issues in my life - not to mention a lack of spiritual faith.

I left my country of origin about 10 years ago to breathe, build an identity, and ultimately start a new life. But I never felt free of strong feelings of guilt and responsibility which led me to become the scapegoat in other social groups, perpetuating the abuse I'd been experiencing. Very fortunately, I was able to escape such groups with the help and patience of my loving husband. Straight after the brutal ending of several abusive/toxic relationships, I decided to cut contact with my mom, thinking at that time that she was narcissistic and couldn't care about me (and because frankly, I needed the distance!)

Very recently, I slowly started re-introducing contact. I also just went back to France to address my feelings. While I didn't see my mom then, I saw other family members and collected feedback which, along with my instincts, led me to believe that she does love me despite all of the abuse she put me through.

I'm now back home safe and sound, processing the trip and my feelings associated with them. It is clear that despite the distance, I've still got some way to go when it comes to not feeling responsible for my mother. A part of me feels this way because people in her life are denying her situation, thus stigmatizing her in my opinion. Having been on the receiver's end of that, when displaying bpd traits myself in painful situations, I empathize very strongly.

Yet at the same time, she has caused me so much pain by scapegoating me, and leading my other family members to do the same. I also know that I'm not able to save her, and that I'm not responsible for the relationships she chose to have. I think my compromise is to try and not add more pain than necessary by demonizing her, which a part of me did at first. What I don't know is where the line is, in other words - if and how much I'm able to be in touch with her without taking any of the responsibility she's always tried to ditch onto me.

That's my situation is a nutshell... thank you for reading me!

[TelHill]

Hello Zoe

Welcome to this group!

I have a similar situation where I'm the daughter of a dBPD mother cast into the role of a scapegoat by my mother, father and my gc older sibling.

Am glad you were able to stand up to toxic others in your life and have a supportive husband. I found myself replicating the same patterns with others outside my family as well. I know it's a relief to not have to go through that pain.

Yet at the same time, she has caused me so much pain by scapegoating me, and leading my other family members to do the same. I also know that I'm not able to save her, and that I'm not responsible for the relationships she chose to have. I think my compromise is to try and not add more pain than necessary by demonizing her, which a part of me did at first. What I don't know is where the line is, in other words - if and how much I'm able to be in touch with her without taking any of the responsibility she's always tried to ditch onto me.

That's my situation is a nutshell... thank you for reading me!

I would like a relationship with my mom, too.  It's like a roller-coaster and I've had to get off. She needs to have things done as she wants with no room for compromise. She employs manipulation (love-bombing) to lure me into coming closer to her. It feels like a trap because the next long step in this is verbal and emotional abuse.

Her behavior is called intermittent reinforcement.  This bonds you to the abuser and grooms you into feeling beholden to them. It also puts you into something called FOG or fear, obligation and guilt. It took me time and working with a therapist to not feel the burden of fear, obligation and guilt so strongly. I get shaky at times, but much easier than it used to be.

The lines you are referring to are boundaries. You know what you are willing to do or not do for someone when asked, and you know that saying no is fine. This took me practice to feel comfortable doing this. It's never easy for me but am more consistent than I used to be.  I found this book to be helpful towards that goal:

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud

I have very low contact with my mother to keep my sanity. She has remained the at the same level of disorder since I can remember. She's aggressive and over-the-top with her rage. I love her too but she is a frightening person to be near.

It's up to you to decide the type of contact you want and feel ok with.  Always remember the 3 C's of having a disordered person in your life:  I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. The 3 C's have helped me in my journey with a BPD parent.

[memom23]

Hi there! I'm new too, with a mother and daughter with BPD. I can say, reading your post, that I am impressed with your maturity and perspective. It sounds like you've learned to have solid boundaries. My mom is still in my life and it's so hard to keep things in balance. You're doing great work. It's not easy!

[MoFamliyMoProbs]

Your story sounds very similar to mine, except I my mother in law is the one with uBPD. She is also terrified of getting near anything related to mental heath or therapy, but that also seems to be a common trait amongst people with BPD. Her whole family is in denial too and actively protecting her from the consequences of her behavior.

We cut off contact with my spouse's family for 4 years. We would regularly get messages from family members telling us we should reconcile. Only recently did we realize, those people could never be objective sources of information because they were only hearing one side of the story, hers. They couldn't have our best interests in mind, even if they thought they could. It's not their fault. Your relatives might be thinking they are helping, but it sounds like your relationship with your mom needs careful consideration. Only you can really know what's right for you.

We only recently realized we were getting skewed information from mother-in-law when she would constantly complain about her other son. Only after speaking to him later, did we realize all the complexities of the situation from his perspective too and were able to get a fuller picture. We felt shameful we let her manipulate us like that. BPD people can be endlessly selfish. Families dynamics are complex! Especially ones with BPD relatives. My mother in law cycles between all-good/golden child and all bad/scapegoat with all of her children and their spouses, so I have seen it from all sides.

It's totally normal during times of no-contact to feel guilty. We certainly did when we did the same, even after tons of poor treatment my mother-in-law. Those bad memories fade over time. You can always dip back in, just to see. It may even help you learn where your boundaries are. That's totally normal too. It also might go really well for a while, and that's ok too. You've got this! The suggested reading lists for BPD are super helpful too.

[Zoe Fun-loving]

Thank you all for your responses, I feel very supported reading them!

I can tell that the decision to go no or low contact is very personal, as it should be. I reserve the right to go no contact at any point, and for now I'm trying low contact (I already live on the other side of the world, which helps!) It's caused a lot of short and middle-term anxiety, but I feel like every time I set a boundary it is a tiny bit easier.

I wish you all wonderful healing journeys!