Living together with upwBPD

[Overthetop]

Hello my friends, 

6 years relationship with untreated BPD partner, 2 kids

This has been a long and crazy ride for me with a lot of ups and downs. I will try to make this long story as short as possible.
First of all I just want to thank you to all the brave people who are here and sharing their stories. I came across this site 2 months ago and by reading your stories and it gave me a lot of insight to my own life and relationship. I finally decided to share my story as I am currently standing in front of a crossroad not knowing what path to take. I will share my story for educational purposes and if you can help me do it please.

Background
As many of you describe it in these relationships they start very intense and develop very fast and the same was in my case. I was in my early twenties and she had just turned 30. Despite my young age I was very mature as I had been working and traveling around the world by myself. I met this girl on a concert and we had this instant chemistry between us. She was wild, beatiful, intelligent, loving, understanding and adored me. She was everything I looked for in a woman. At that time she was going through a divorce with her ex husband and she described how bad and awful he was. A narcissist, abuser and a cheater. After we hooked up we swapped numbers. We lived in different cities around 6 hours between each other with car. She told me to come visit her and she sure was something special so I did go there for a weeks visit and I fell in love. I felt needed, understood, like a real man maybe for the first time ever in my life. She asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said no, so she decided that we were a couple then, I didn't insist.

We had a long distance relationship for about 6 months. Her ex was harassing her a lot so I was supporting her a lot during the divorce and we saw each other once or twice a month. I felt like a hero as I was saving her the knight in shining armor. 6 months later she got hold of an apartment and I decided to move in with her. 

This period was the best ever, the honeymoon phase I was living like a king. She gave me a lot of sex, cleaned and cooked. I was the perfect man, her soulmate. She told me she was what she had looked for her whole life. She idealised me and to be honest I loved it as I never had experienced this kind of love before (lovebombing). She told me about her childhood and how misstreated she had been. I made her whole again. 2 month later of living together she got pregnant. We were both happy and excited and the love we had was ecstacy so we decided to keep the child. I started working and wanted to support my family. Didn't have much friends in this town so spent a lot of time with her. Little did I know of being isolated and controlled.

This was one of the best times in my life. It was just the two of us and we were truly happy. We could make it and I couldn't wait for the baby to come. The honeymoon phase was still in work and everything was new and exciting. Our first child came and it was the happiest day of my life. As we both love adventures we decided to save up money to go travel when the baby was 6 months old. I have a big family and a lot of support in my hometown compared to her, so I suggested to go to my hometown where I can work and we can get help with the baby.

First episode started
I was working hard labour to save up money for the travel, 10 hours a day 6 - 7 days a week. I used to come home exhausted a she used to be dissappointed and raging at me. I didn't know what happened and the energy between us was so bad. I was working like a maniac at the same time hearing how bad I was. I wasn't spending time with her and the baby like I should. We were living in my mothers place and we had a lot of support but that was also wrong. I was living a nightmare and my family were concerned about us. Whatever I said or did was wrong and I didn't have any control over the situation. It was the devaluating phase. I was mentally and physically broken. I used to seek refugee with my friends and smoking pot after work just to escape which resulted in more dissapointment from her side. She told me she wanted to break up with me as I wasn't the person she thought I was. I was crying and begging her to stay not knowing I opened up the door for future abuse. It was the worst summer of my life so far.

We managed to ride through the bad times and went to travel for 6 months. It was just us two again and things got better but never like before. The door for abuse had been opened and she used it every now and then to control me. Resentment and anger were building under the surface in our relationship. After the travels we moved back to her town where I was again isolated and being controlled. She was controlling me with neglecting, with intimacy, financially and emotionally. We somehow managed to make it and between the episodes we were truly happy. She was always had this destructive relationship to alcohol and I was seeking emotional refugee in physical exercise and smoking pot. I was trying my best to keep the peace between us and not making her rage sometimes over my own peace of mind (walking on eggshells). There was no empathy, understanding or respect between us just pure selfishness.

Chapter 2
Things got better but never like before. We decided to make another baby so our child could have a sibling. But this pregnancy was not as peaceful as the first one. This was crazy. I never seen somebody so angry and resentful and I tried my best to keep the peace. There was a lot of devaluating towards me from her side. She gave me orders like a dictator and I was going mad. It felt like living with a crazy witch. She threatened with break up a lot of the times when I was confronting her and saying it was enough. But you know how the story goes. After the fire comes the rain and after pleasure comes pain - tupac. I was getting used to the emotional abuse and it was something "normal" and I knew it would be good after while. But I was feeling depressed and lonely. She blamed her mood disorder on the hormones from her pregnancy and post natal depression. Our second child came and I was so happy again. 

Last year
I was pretty tired of all the emotional abuse and being controlled. I had always been a free spirit and no one could ever control me. I asked myself questions of what the hell happened to me? I was depressed and crying all the time. I was this strong person both mentally and physically and now I was just a shell of that. I used to love life, now everything felt so gray. I was mentally broken. I had 2 children with a woman I didn't know if I could live with anymore. I was mentally weak. I was constantly getting devauled and didn't get the intimacy or admiration I needed so I tried to chat up girls to have an affair which made me even spiral down further. We went on a family vacation abroad for two months and it was literally paradise but we did not stop the fighting. Things had escalated there was no respect between us anymore. Sometimes things were good between us, just to break again. We came back from the vacation and I said I wanted us to visit my hometown for a week. We were out partying with friend and family were she raged and insulted me in front of everybody Iove. I was so sad and dissapointed and the next day she acted as if nothing had happened.

I was tired of the emotional abuse, the disrespect, the alcohol abuse our toxic relationship. So I broke up with her. She went back to her town. I stayed in my hometown for two weeks but I missed my kids so I went back to her. I told her that we need to go to couples therapy if we wanted to continue this.

Starting couples therapy
We started couples therapy and I had hopes it would help and that we could still save this relationship. It helped a little bit but the therapist didn't understand me and unfortunately I felt like he took her side in this issue. So I started to investigate and read A LOT online and do my own research. And somehow I stumbled on a video on youtube regarding BPD and it was right on point. I found the missing puzzle piece. It was a little spark in the dark. I finally found out what was happening. Maybe there was a way out of this maze? Maybe I was not doing everything wrong? I didn't know how to tell her about my suspicions of her having BPD.


One day she came home intoxinated from alcohol from a bar night. I was home with the kids. She wanted to talk but I could see the rage blazing in her eyes. She blamed me and yelled at me as usual wanting a reaction out of me and to start a fight. But I had been reading about BPD so I didn't fall into the trap this time. Finally after 5 years.  Next day as usual things were back to normal for her but not for me. I told her I can't be with her until she goes to a pshychologist to see if she had BPD and treats her alcohol abuse. She agreed.

Went to see a therapist 4 months ago
She went to see a therapist and they started and investigation on BPD and other personality disorders and alcohol abuse. She actually thanked me for telling her because her whole life she felt something was wrong with her but not knowing what. I was proud of her. The therapist asked alot of questions and she filled in all the requirements for having BPD. After the sessions she came home broken sometimes telling me about her childhood traumas.

Things escalated this summer
We had this plan of going back to my town for 2 months. I missed my family and friends a lot and also want my kids to build a relationship with them. I fixed a job there. She said she didn't want me to go there since she was feeling bad after going to the therapist. But her therapy had not yet started and I said I wanted to go anyways. I went to my hometown to work and she stayed in her town with the kids. She said she didn't want to stay with my mum so I fixed us a place to stay.

I got a call from her that she wanted to commit suicide. I got so scared and 6 hours away I didn't know what to do. I called her sister and friends and they said she wanted a reaction from me. How can I not worry about suicide threats when my kids are there? For two weeks I was there and she was threatining me with suicide and saying she couldn't take care of the kids. I had to work so couldn't go to them straight away. After two weeks I took a week off and went back to her and she was just laying in bed saying she was depressed. The energy was so bad. I said I will take the kids and go back to my hometown, if she wanted to stay she could do that. She got physical, started to throw things and hit with me with an iron pole when I wanted to stop her. Yelling, crying and screaming. Telling me I was uncaring, unloving, not understanding etc. In the end we all went together to my hometown.

I went through hell this summer.
Every day was a fight. Disrespect. Threats of suicide. Lies. Physical and emotional abuse. She hates when we go to my hometown because I have so many people who love me there. She said she was depressed wanting to brake me. Anger and rage. Hopeless. Nobody loves me etc. Saying she will commit suicide not answering the phone then goes to a night club drinking etc.

We went back to her town after two months. I just could not take it no more. Seeing the kids suffer from our toxic relationship. I don't want them to grow up and see this. I told her I don't want to continue the relationship. I want to focus on myself and she can focus on herself do the therapy and get well hopefully. I love her but I just can't continue with this abuse. We are currently living together because of the kids and I am helping financially.

I finally feel I am getting my power and freedom back. She is on her best behaviour right now trying to get me back. The "depression" went away over a night. It was all a control game wanting to break me down. I don't know what to do now. Next month she will start her BPD therapy and I will help her through it. But I can't have this romantic relationship with her anymore. Am I doing it wrong? Is it late to fix the bridges that has been burned down? I know if I get back to her she will possess my soul again.

Many people say that you shouldn't take it personal when a person with BPD devalues you, disrespects you or abuse you emotionally. This is almost impossible for me. How can you stand when the person you love the most hates you the most? It will break you down slowly but surely. You get co-dependent and all the trauma they feel inside they project on to you blamegame and you get used to the abuse. Having kids together doesn't make it easier to leave. But finally I am healing and starting to pick up the pieces that has been destroyed in my soul. These people are master manipulators and you will start to blame yourself and your own sanity. But deep down you know that they are not bad people and you have empathy for them. They had to be like this to survive their abusive childhood and this is the program they been running since then. But this love has a price and is not unconditional. Between the episodes they are really lovely people and you having a good time where you somehow "forget" the bad things that just happened just to fall again. You have to be in one of these relationships to understand.

I will always love you.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks for reading and good luck.

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It sounds like you've been through a lot. I see you also posted on the Detaching board, so I'll keep that in mind.

It's good to hear you're standing up for yourself and your kids. I hope things get better from it. What other boundaries have you implemented or thought about to protect yourself and the kids?