Accusations after accusations after accusations

[deadmouse]

I already posted here before to vent. Yes, I'm venting because I know people on here will understand. Again, thank you all for being here, it means a lot!

So I've been dating this guy for more than two years. We even lived together for a few months before he decided he was going to give himself a gift to honor his late father: he was going to kill me. I had to get the police involved and kicked him out. Now we live separately, but in close vicinity.

From day one he said he thought it was normal and healthy to have an amicable relationship with one's exes. I can neither agree nor disagree with that statement, because every situation is different. In the first months he still spoke to one of his exes, then another one sent him a pic of her pregnant self. I'm not jealous by nature, so I was fine with that. It happens that I occasionally online chat with one of my exes, we mainly talk politics. He's in a country that's a total pariah at the moment (no prizes for guessing which country), so it's not like we can see each other even if we wanted to.

I told my pwBPD I occasionally chat with this ex and that we talk politics (a topic pwBPD has no interest in). He was fine with it. It must be mentioned that I'm not very sociable and know extremely few people. I don't drink at all, I don't go out, I don't have a gaggle of female friends etc. I'm happy to go for walks with my pwBPD, indulge in my hobbies, and read. Yeah, I'm boring, I know.

When pwBPD's birthday came round in October 2021, he said he wanted to spend the day by himself. Cool, no problem. I understand, because he's a loner just like myself. He did visit a friend though and kept sending me videos of where he was. A few weeks later I found a birthday card in his room. It was from his ex, dated with the date of his birthday, and it had romantic undertones ("I love you"). It's not a big deal, but he should've been honest with me. I confronted him about it, and he said he had been scared of telling me because he didn't know if I'd understand that he had just met this ex for a coffee. This wouldn't be a big deal if he hadn't subsequently developed into such a hypocrite.

In July 2022 I had trouble with the water in my apartment. By then we were no longer living together. I called him in a bit of a panic, and he rushed over. He decided to borrow a neighbor's tools. Now, this was technically my neighbor, although I didn't know the guy. My pwBPD had been smoking weed regularly with this neighbor. He went to his house (neighbor lived with his girlfriend), he ate their food, he even started talking about setting up a business with this guy... until the inevitable split. The guy is a fool and a horrible human being.

So he wanted to borrow the neighbor's tools but screamed at him to get out. Sorry, but you can't expect someone to lend you something and then scream at them to leave you alone. So they both entered my apartment, pwBPD went in search of the water shut-off valve, and neighbor had a look at the leak in the kitchen. I stayed in the kitchen with the neighbor and explained what the problem was. Out of the blue, my pwBPD entered the kitchen and started screaming at me. He called me a prostitute because I had decided to stay in the kitchen with the neighbor instead of running after him into the bathroom. He opened the apartment door, ordered the neighbor out and screamed at me some more.

I felt extremely uncomfortable and also a bit ashamed.The next day I asked the neighbor to fix the water leak which he did. I paid him and that was that. During this time my pwBPD was in a different city. I told him I'd called someone to fix the leak. A few months later, wanting to be honest, I stupidly 'confessed' the neighbor had fixed the leak. This was interpreted as me bringing 'strange men' into my apartment. It's been more than a year now, and he's still banging on about this.

Recently, my favorite DJ came to our city. I live in close proximity to the outdoor venue so we went there to listen to the music. It was already late and quite dark when suddenly someone said my name and started talking to me. I recognized this person as the estate agent I had rented an apartment from prior to buying my own. This person is extremely talkative and actually quite a character. I said hi, and he started telling me about a better spot from where to listen to the music. He was a bit drunk, but how is that my fault or responsibility?

Apparently, it is indeed my responsibility. My pwBPD attacked the guy, then he started calling me a prostitute because I smiled at this estate agent. I should've told him 'not to speak to me like that'. He made me find the guy's business number and give it to him. He called him the next day, met up with him and threatened him. From then on, the accusations of me being a whore and unfaithful have been nonstop. He started finding issue with my clothing. Apparently I should only wear tracksuit bottoms so as to be unattractive. If I as much as brush my hair it's because I 'want to be attractive to other men' and because I'm 'a prostitute and belong to the streets'.

He split up with me a million times. At some point I needed help with something. He said he'd help, then he changed his mind. He did this several times. In the end I called my ex whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in 3.5 years to ask for help. We met up in the local park. My pwBPD spotted us and punched my ex in the face. After that he let loose a torrent of abuse, calling me a prostitute over and over.

His jealous behavior is pathological. And this is someone who said he wasn't the jealous type, and that having an amicable relationship with one's exes is healthy. I guess that applies to him, but not to others. I explained I don't know anybody apart from my ex and a female friend. He called this female friend a hooker too and said we were having orgies at her house. I've never even been to her house. But I know she has a brother (whom I've never met), so I must be cheating on him with my friend's brother. Basically there are no other women on this planet, and every. single. man. just wants to get with me. They have no other interests in life. He even suggested I should ask the estate agent for help. Because apparently I hang out with him all the time.

The newest insane episode happened the other day. I told him my ballet class ran from 6 to 7.30 pm. "I don't care, just tell me when you'll be home." I told him I'd be back sometime around 8 pm. He asked me to add on a bit of time 'to be on the safe side'. Okay then, let's make it 8.30 pm. He then said we could have dinner at 9 pm. I said sure, that sounds great. All of a sudden I am a liar and my intention is to cheat. How come I said I'd be home at 9 pm? I said no such thing. I said I'd definitely be home by 8.30, and my thinking was we'd fix dinner in half an hour and then proceed to eat said dinner at 9 pm. But no, I am planning on cheating sometime before, after or even during my ballet class.

Is this type of pathological jealousy typical for people with BPD? Has anyone else had similar experiences? Do they actually believe what they say?


Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Just writing this feels cathartic!





 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dtkm]

Ugh!  Yes!  Unfortunately, I get close to the same all of the time!  I am having affairs with all of my kid's sports coaches...men, women, young, old, etc (who knew that that is how they got on the teams they are on, its not by talent), with lots of people from work (I work in a pediatric hospital, so all coworkers, security guards, my patients (so sad as I work with kids:(), with neighbors when I go out on a walk with my kids or to the park with my kids, with anyone who sits in my view if we go out to dinner, etc.  The accusations are non-stop.  If I come home from work with my hair in a ponytail, if I do laundry with the light off in the laundry room, if it "takes me too long" to put away laundry, if I wear a white tank top to work, etc.  It doesn't end.  And he comes up with specific things that he keeps in his head and he uses them over and over.  I even took a lie detector test to prove that I was telling the truth...apparently I slept with the man who administrated the test since I passed with flying colors, my husband wasn't allowed in the room for the test (I have looked it up and it is standard procedure) and the man who administrated the test and I were talking when my husband came into the room.  There is no way to convince him otherwise...at least that I have found out...and that is used for his convenience.  He knows the accusations really bother me, so he uses it when he needs something to do that!

[deadmouse]

Omg! Thanks for your reply!

That sounds horrendous. The fact that you work with children and he nevertheless makes these accusations is really, really horrible and deeply disturbing, and also very sad.

I can't go to the doctor if the doctor is male.

[dtkm]

It is crazy making!  During COVID I had to get admitted to the hospital (not COVID related) and my husband had the kids, so he couldn't come back into the emergency room with me, he had to take the kids home.  I was then told that I left the emergency room to go have an affair, then checked back in to the emergency room to then get admitted!  He still to this day is dead set that that is what I did!

[EyesUp]

I don't often wander into the "bettering" board, but hello from the other side...

My uBPDxw often accused me of having affairs.

Childseat in the trunk instead of the backseat?  Obviously I needed to move it to have sex in the backseat...  (not to fold the seats to carry a bicycle... which was in the car... and completely blocking any viable sexual position, ahem).

Traveling for work?  Obviously a cover story for an affair.  I must have second and third and fourth families in various locations.  PS, this explains why I didn't have enough $$$ to (fully) support uBPDxw's impulse spending habits...

Didn't return every text message instantly?  Clearly, I was having an affair.  Again.

Never mind the fact that I was always home on time, never away on weekends, always in touch while traveling...

Fast forward... turns out that my uBPDxw had multiple affairs.  As we often say re: BPDs, accusations are confessions.  I'm not saying that my experience will be your experience, but in my case I spent so much time playing defense - for years - that it never occurred to me that my wife - who often railed against Tiger Woods and hated the film The English Patient - might step out.  Completely blind sided.

[deadmouse]

Thank you all do much for your replies! It does seem to be more common than I thought.

How do you deal with the accusations? Do you try to explain rationally? Do you defend yourself? Or do you just let it slide? I feel that no matter what I say, he eon’t budge.

[waverider]

Thank you all do much for your replies! It does seem to be more common than I thought.

How do you deal with the accusations? Do you try to explain rationally? Do you defend yourself? Or do you just let it slide? I feel that no matter what I say, he eon’t budge.

No he wont budge, so you do what feels better for you and minimizes build up resentment. Arguing leads to escalation, and further into the land of nonsense, this will make you feel worse. Say nothing, and you feel like you are selling yourself out. It will build up until sooner or later you blow up. State your truth once, then don't expand or follow up on it. Yes it will still be an argument, but at least you wont feel like you sold out your reality

[EyesUp]

How do you deal with the accusations? Do you try to explain rationally? Do you defend yourself? Or do you just let it slide? I feel that no matter what I say, he eon’t budge.

Your last comment: "I feel that... he won't budge" probably encapsulates how you're thinking about this - which is wishing he would change.

What if you flip it around?  Is there anything you can change?  i.e., can you live with it?  Is there anything you can do (that doesn't require him to change) that will make you feel better/easier?

We often hear the term "radical acceptance" and for the longest time, I thought that implied that I would have to accept my uBPDxw's affairs.  Eventually, I came to understand that radical acceptance could also be applied inwards - that I could accept that I didn't accept the affairs or endless accusations, etc. etc. - and the consequences that came with such a realization... 

For me, radical acceptance meant accepting that I did not and could not have the relationship I thought I had / hoped I had / wanted to have - and no amount of "working on it" would make it happen.

Sample size: One.

Obviously, you need to explore what's right for you, what limits you're will to accept.

In terms of exercises, do you think it's possible to enforce a boundary?  e.g., let your pwBPD know that when accusations are made, you will not engage. Enough is enough, you will not tolerate false allegations, and so you will simply no longer participate in that discussion.

[thankful person]

Hi dead mouse, just wanted to say all of your story was so familiar to me from my dbpdw’s behaviour, the jealousy and control, all stemming from a deep insecurity and neediness we can never fill, the more we give the more they take… I left my ex-boyfriend following having an emotional affair with my wife, and of course now she accuses me of wanting to have sex with everyone, male or female, including my piano students. Her behaviour has diminished since I learned to give it less attention. I find SET useful just making one statement of Support, one of Empathy and one of Truth, the Truth being my favourite, and then I just stop, tell her I’m not interested in discussing it further and walk away. The ballet story also rang true with me. My wife always wants to know what time I’ll be home and if I’m a few minutes later she’ll ring me in the car, that’s if she hasn’t rang me already the moment she thinks I’m in the car.

[deadmouse]

Your last comment: "I feel that... he won't budge" probably encapsulates how you're thinking about this - which is wishing he would change.

What if you flip it around?  Is there anything you can change?  i.e., can you live with it?  Is there anything you can do (that doesn't require him to change) that will make you feel better/easier?

We often hear the term "radical acceptance" and for the longest time, I thought that implied that I would have to accept my uBPDxw's affairs.  Eventually, I came to understand that radical acceptance could also be applied inwards - that I could accept that I didn't accept the affairs or endless accusations, etc. etc. - and the consequences that came with such a realization... 

For me, radical acceptance meant accepting that I did not and could not have the relationship I thought I had / hoped I had / wanted to have - and no amount of "working on it" would make it happen.

Sample size: One.

Obviously, you need to explore what's right for you, what limits you're will to accept.

In terms of exercises, do you think it's possible to enforce a boundary?  e.g., let your pwBPD know that when accusations are made, you will not engage. Enough is enough, you will not tolerate false allegations, and so you will simply no longer participate in that discussion.

I guess my line of thinking is that everything could be great if it wasn't for his insane ideas. E.g., we're supposed to go to a concert tonight, we already bought tickets and everything. I was out to ran errands and he called me on Telegram. I picked up but the line dropped. Telegram is notorious for its bugs, but apparently I'm hiding something from him. I told him I needed to pick up a plant the local florist repotted for me. "Why does it take several days to repot a plant?" Well, I'm not a florist and I know nothing about plants, but I guess it's because I'm not the florist's only client. Actually, they had so many orders they forgot to repot my plant. So of course when I returned without the plant, it was because I cheated on him.

All these contrived 'issues' are so banal and bizarre.

[dtkm]

I feel like you were telling a story about my life with the passage above. I can feel the stress, going as fast as you can to get something done you really want to do, but know you will get blamed for something if you take too long…and then when the plant isn’t ready you are mad, not because the plants not ready more of because you know it’s something that will get used against you as “evidence” to your cheating. It is truly crazy making. You can do everything “perfect”, everything they ask for and they will still find something to blame you…I just about stopped leaving the house, except for the 2 days I went to work, because I got blamed every time I left the house for cheating, crap I couldn’t even leave the kitchen or living room without getting blamed, so that is where I spent all of my time. My husband and I went to clean the basement and the screen was put on the window backwards, which it most likely had been like that for years. Well apparently now I have men sneak
Into the basement to have all of my affairs!  I am not sure if you have actually been able to step back and see what’s going on, but it’s control. He says jump, and you don’t you’re cheating..you jump, ok the first time but the second time you’re cheating because you didn’t ask how high. It will go on forever…until we step out of our skin and decide to change back to us for ourselves, whatever that looks like for you.

[waverider]

I feel like you were telling a story about my life with the passage above. I can feel the stress, going as fast as you can to get something done you really want to do, but know you will get blamed for something if you take too long…and then when the plant isn’t ready you are mad, not because the plants not ready more of because you know it’s something that will get used against you as “evidence” to your cheating. It is truly crazy making. You can do everything “perfect”, everything they ask for and they will still find something to blame you…I just about stopped leaving the house, except for the 2 days I went to work, because I got blamed every time I left the house for cheating, crap I couldn’t even leave the kitchen or living room without getting blamed, so that is where I spent all of my time. My husband and I went to clean the basement and the screen was put on the window backwards, which it most likely had been like that for years. Well apparently now I have men sneak
Into the basement to have all of my affairs!  I am not sure if you have actually been able to step back and see what’s going on, but it’s control. He says jump, and you don’t you’re cheating..you jump, ok the first time but the second time you’re cheating because you didn’t ask how high. It will go on forever…until we step out of our skin and decide to change back to us for ourselves, whatever that looks like for you.

This is the real issue. Its not about what you are doing that is causing their paranoia, it is there to start with so they are going to hang it on something. This means you can't avoid it as it is the process of accusing you, and hence them validating themselves as being a victim, that is driving it. If you eventually stop doing anything in a (failed) attempt to appease, you just end up a nervous wreck with no life and still in the same amount of trouble.

Its one reason why the accusations are incredulous as the issue is not the issue, it is wholly based on some abandonment paranoid inside their head. Defending yourself againt the issue ultimatly is invalidating them so it escalates so they can further validate their victim status. It is much better to side step the issue, give them a hug, tell them you love them and change the subject to something positive. I know in the moment that is going against your frustrated mood