Hard Lessons I've Learned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a while since I've posted. It's coming up on a year since my break up. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago but I also feel like there is still a way to go. It's amazing how much these kinds of relationships can traumatize you and how the lack of closure makes moving on difficult. But I am happy with the progress I'm making. I've been purposely not dating and focusing on myself. It's not easy but it is the right decision for me right now.

While journaling I came up with the following four hard lessons I've learned this past year:

• No one can take care of you better than you.
• You won’t always enjoy taking care of yourself and you will often wish someone else would do it for you.
• No one is going to come along and do it for you.
• Be wary of people who act like they will do it for you. This one is tricky. This doesn’t mean you have to go it alone or you should not accept support from others. This one is about the difference between someone who offers to support you vs someone who seems to want to “save” you in some way. The latter case can be deeply seductive, especially if you are prone to want others to take care of you. But beware. The “saving” is usually more about the other person's need to bind you to them so that they can feel safe rather than a true offer of support. It is a red flag that you need to pay close attention to. Otherwise, it may lead to a lot of pain down the road.

What hard lessons have you learned from your experiences in this kind of relationship?

[BigEasyHeart]

It's been a while since I've posted. It's coming up on a year since my break up. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago but I also feel like there is still a way to go. It's amazing how much these kinds of relationships can traumatize you and how the lack of closure makes moving on difficult. But I am happy with the progress I'm making. I've been purposely not dating and focusing on myself. It's not easy but it is the right decision for me right now.

While journaling I came up with the following four hard lessons I've learned this past year:

• No one can take care of you better than you.
• You won’t always enjoy taking care of yourself and you will often wish someone else would do it for you.
• No one is going to come along and do it for you.
• Be wary of people who act like they will do it for you. This one is tricky. This doesn’t mean you have to go it alone or you should not accept support from others. This one is about the difference between someone who offers to support you vs someone who seems to want to “save” you in some way. The latter case can be deeply seductive, especially if you are prone to want others to take care of you. But beware. The “saving” is usually more about the other person's need to bind you to them so that they can feel safe rather than a true offer of support. It is a red flag that you need to pay close attention to. Otherwise, it may lead to a lot of pain down the road.

What hard lessons have you learned from your experiences in this kind of relationship?

[Augustine]

That I strive to be a saviour, but am repulsed by any attention attached to the positive consequences of that impulse.

Any attention is unwelcome.

That all relationships are built on deliberate misunderstandings and delusions.

That I don’t function optimally in romantic relationships in the long-term, as they’re far too stultifying. I’m far too objective oriented, and once a goal has been achieved, that’s when the real depression sets in.

That anything connected to fundamental drives repulses me, and that being a human is tiresomely banal when based on satisfying these base impulses.

Outside of the French Foreign Legion, I was never going to succeed in assimilating anywhere, as there was nothing in contemporary life that I found worthy of making a sacrifice towards.

That sex bores the living sh*t out of me, and that sailing through a storm on the ocean is far preferable, particularly if you have a friend at your side. The sex is easily forgotten, and can be obtained anywhere, but you’ll never forget that fuc*ing time out in the storm.

That most people don’t see the the syllogistic error in “You teach people how you want to be treated” which is also the reason why all of us are drawn here.

That most of what I was taught about life was a tissue of lies.